AIBU to think that my DP tried to put a spider in my mouth

[Spidermouth]

OK, so this is probably going to sound nuts so I'll give a bit of background.
I have arachnophobia, I'm getting better at dealing with it and can often now be in the same room as a spider but still can't touch them. I'm early 40s so have had lots of time to work on this phobia that I accept is irrational.

I love my DP dearly, we've been together 8 years or so but we've had our problems. I don't want to dig her out but it's important for context I believe to know a tiny bit of our history.

She's had 2 affairs in the last 2 years, basically for the whole time but that's finished and we're trying to work on things. During and prior to the affairs she has abused me. Generally small things but some pretty serious gaslighting and belittling of me. I'm far from perfect and have likely driven her behaviour by not falling into line and behaving as she likes.

Anyway, onto the incident.

I was asleep in bed while she was up reading her book, I always get to sleep earlier as I have always worked to financially support us both whereas she has been studying and looking after our dog at home. I woke up this night with her weight ever so slightly on my chest, like she was pushing or holding me still. It was very strange but sometimes I move around in my sleep and I guess I thought she was just moving me back to my side of the bed. BUT, I looked up and could see that she had a spider in/on her hand and her hand was about 2 inches from my mouth.

Obviously I absolutely shit my pants and shifted away and asked what she was "fucking doing". She told me that this spider had lowered itself from the ceiling (6 feet above my head) and was gently lowering itself towards my mouth when she saw it from the corner of her eye and leapt in to save me from inhaling the little shit.

At the time I believed her, but it was before I found out about the 2nd affair and when we were working really hard to rebuild trust. I just wanted to believe her as the alternative for me was basically realising that she was evil.

When I found out about the second affair obviously trust was completely shattered but I'm a fighter. Also the spider story was forgotten, until last night when before bed we saw a spider crawling on the living room wall. She turned to me and said "That will be going in your mouth tonight when you're asleep" and like a great flashback to a more innocent time I thought of how implausible the previous story seemed and here she was, in my mind threatening more of the same.

So, Mumsnet, AIBU to think she is torturing me in my sleep by putting spiders into my mouth or not?

And please, don't anyone tell me to leave. I'm a big boy and can make those decisions for myself. Thanks.

Just read your update. Please, please don't stay and consider bringing children into such a toxic relationship! You are young!!! You are a man so no biological clock so to speak, I left my ex when I was 39, I'm 41 now and there's still time (although I'm not looking as I'm still recovering from my ex).

Just read your update and it actually made me feel a bit sick and I’m not even involved in this - PLEASE tell me you’re not going to have children with this woman? Please don’t put a child in this situation. If she treats you like this - affairs, abuse, sadistic acts - imagine how she will treat a defenseless child.

Seriously?? Yes, OP - as ridiculous as it seems, it sounds like she is trying to put spiders in your mouth or on your face while you are sleeping.

If true, she has no regard for you at all. In fact it's worse than that - she's actively trying to do something that she knows will seriously distress you.

It's so incredibly nasty, I would wonder what other nasty little passive aggressive things she's doing to you without your knowledge? Cleaning the toilet with your toothbrush?

If you won't break up with her, then I don't know what advice you're expecting. None of us can stop her doing nasty things to you.

I have found two advice lines. Please call and speak to someone. They will help you without pressure or judgement.

And please, don't anyone tell me to leave. I'm a big boy and can make those decisions for myself

So what is the point of you posting? Of course we would tell you to leave an abusive situation.
She has had 2 affairs ffs. Why pretend she loves you? Why are you so desperate to stay?

Why cant she get a job? Looking after a bloody dog is no excuse and could work around her studies.

It's either gamble on her or gamble on finding someone else and the truth is that my self esteem is not what it was 5 years ago.

Bloody Hell.

GAMBLE ON FINDING SOMEON ELSE! PLEASE!

You sound nice, and quite eligible. No wonder your self esteem is on the floor living with this woman. You'll probably find it lifts when you get away from her.

Please don't bring children into this toxic environment. That is just fucking selfish.

You are a grown man able to make your own choices, the children will be in the middle of all this.

Disgusted that you are even thinking about having kids with her.

Give your bloody head a wobble!

Christ almighty this cant be true???
I don’t actually mind spiders I can pick them up and put them outside. However if DH tried to put one in my mouth that would be the end.
That’s a deliberate nasty cruel thing to do.
As for the children thing, course you will find another woman. There are loads of women in their thirties looking for a decent man to have children with

If she’s abusive to you, what makes you think she won’t be to a child? Please have a serious think about this.

I know how difficult it is to get out of an abusive relationship

For me it wouldn't be so tough, emotionally it would take it's toll yes but I'm in the lucky position of owning our home, of having a salary that can support my lifestyle and she has family locally who can put her up. We also transferred all of our debts (6 years of University isn't cheap!) from my name to hers so she'd struggle more than I would whether she likes me or not (Thanks Mumsnet for this advice from a different thread). It means if I want to leave, I can.
I wouldn't speak about this in real life, it's humiliating.

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS PSYCHOPATH.

It's better to miss out on your chance than have children who will almost definitely be abused by her, too.

Well if we can't tell you to leave there's really nothing to say

No way should you have a baby with this woman, she sounds bloody vile and i wouldn't trust her to look after a baby. Leave, you will meet someone else who doesn't treat you like this.

OP please don’t bring children into this. You have no idea what kind of Mothershe will be. She will likely use those children as leverage to control you and further abuse you.

There’s still time for you to create a HAPPY AND HEALTHY family with someone else.
I know it’s a tough gamble to take but surely it’s far better to have no children at all than raise children in an environment where they watch their mother systematically abuse their father?

OP, I hear you about staying and starting a family and that you are feeling too old to start again. The problem is that if you have a child with this woman she will probably become more abusive towards you. she may be abusive to your child, or teach your child how to be abusive. You may wish you’d never bought your child into such a toxic relationship. You deserve more than this.

I know you didnt ask this but...

Abusive people do not make good parents. You only have to look at some of the threads on here. They abuse their partner infront of their children, setting up a pattern for their children to find abusive partners in the future. They abuse the children. They use the children to get to their partner eg feed them lies and try and turn them against their partner to get at them.
Please please dont have children with this woman or you will be abused by her for the rest of your life as you wont want to leave the kids with her. She will either be putting spiders in their mouths or encouraging them to play the 'game's of them putting spiders in your mouth

I wouldn't normally be this forthright but please leave, please don't have children with her. I can 100% guarantee that whatever difficulties you have now will be multiplied by a million if you bring children into the equation. She sounds incredibly toxic, you won't be aware of even half of what's going on. As you say at the moment it would be fairly easy to go, if you have kids it will be almost impossible and you really will be trapped.

Confronting her, working on things, putting the affairs behind you, excepting the abuse as ‘just a bad time’ etc etc.
What would you tell your sister, mother, daughter or friend to do in this situation.
You have put up with enough. Leave NOW while you still have the strength and self esteem to do so. If you don’t, you will regret not doing so in time to come. Please dig deep and leave this abusive, dangerous person.

That sounds dreadful! I know you don't want people to tell you to leave, but I think you'd be happier in the long run for it.
You mentioned that your self esteem isnt what it was 5 years ago. Well say you stay with her for another five years, what would it be like then? Certainly don't have children with her.
Run for the hills! Good luck.

You're both completely unreasonable.

Her for putting a spider in your mouth, having TWO AFFAIRS and abusing you.

And you, for putting up with it!

What exactly have you come on here to ask?

“I'm far from perfect and have likely driven her behaviour by not falling into line and behaving as she likes.”

Are you serious?! Nobody should change the way they behave to this extent and use it as the reason for her quite frankly being a psychopath.
In my opinion you are better off on your own than with someone who uses you as a doormat to fund her lifestyle while she has various affairs and tortures you in the process.
40 is not old and there is still plenty of time to find the perfect person who doesn’t abuse you and have a family with them. Just think, if she is like this with you, what would she be like with a child, especially if it doesn’t ‘behave the way she likes’! There isn’t really a ticking clock for men like there is for women, you could have kids in your 70s if you really wanted to!
To put it into perspective, my husband left his ex after she had an affair. I met him 6 years ago and he is now 40 and I am 25 and we are having our first child. He has said he was worried he wouldn’t meet anyone else but it happened for us and it will happen for you too.

If she treats you like this how the fuck do you think she treats your dog when you're not around? She sounds like sociopath to be perfectly honest and if you stay with her for any longer than it takes to get your shit together then you're nuts!

If you were listening to your friend or sibling telling you all this what would you say to them?

OP how would you feel if your DP treated any of your children the way she treats you? You may not be able to put yourself first, but please put the mental health of any future children first.

She sounds like a complete psychopath who enjoys punishing you.

how the fuck do you think she treats your dog when you're not around?

She loves our dog. Whatever she has done to me she would not ever hurt a dog and especially not our dog who is our world.

For those asking why I posted, it was for an opinion on if she might have done this, everyone seems to think yes so I guess I need to be honest with myself and say would I have posted if I didn't actually think she had?

For those asking how I'd advise anyone else on this subject, well I'm on the relationship boards often. I rarely tell anyone to LTB but I admit that if I read this or heard it from a family member that I would tell them to go. I'm pretty good with giving advice but maybe not that great at looking after myself.