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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

A bit upset (Facebook related)

128 replies

Evanted76 · 10/10/2019 09:14

I've done a quick name change as I'm actually a bit embarrassed at this myself.
My sister and I are very close. Grown up from a close knit family. Loads in common, both got grown up kids similar ages and have dogs and have similar hobbies and things in common. Whilst we both now live quite close to each other, there was a period of time where both of us lived in different countries. We both eventually returned to the UK.
For me, mainly because of living abroad, I use Facebook to keep in touch with friends and family. I mainly lurk and will post the occasional cute photo of the dogs, post the occasional photo of the boys on their milestone birthdays, our anniversary etc. I never post random crap, memes or share random crap. When I do post stuff, I generally get a good response from people, probably because I don't post much.
My sister is the nosiest person on the planet. She's a typical people watcher. She spends hours on her phone looking and what everyone is up to, browsing through photos and generally is a Facebook stalker!

However, over the past few months, I've noticed that the seems to have completely ghosted me on Facebook and I've no idea why. I had a milestone wedding anniversary in July and I posted a photo. I got hundreds of comments saying congratulations etc from various friends and family but nothing from her. The same a few weeks later when I posted a really cute photo of my puppy (who she loves)
I've recently had a milestone birthday and the birthday wishes flooded in. I know this sounds so childish but I was a bit hurt when I saw that she had completely ignored congratulating me on Facebook in front of mutual friends and family and instead sent me a text. I know she is still very active on Facebook as I saw she had commented on one of our mutual friends post that was about something and nothing. (she's a beautician and it was about December appointments)
It's got to the point where someone (another mutual friend) has noticed and has asked if everything is okay between us. It sounds so ridiculous but it seems she doesn't like being associated with me publicly. Well I'm saying publicly, in front of our Facebook friends and family.
She's coming over today with my birthday present. Is it worth bringing this up? If so, how?

OP posts:

asnugglysnerd · 10/10/2019 10:26

I'm sorry, but you sound as though you are 12 years old... she is coming round to see you... that surely means more than a post on facebook? Stop overthinking

Wattagoose90 · 10/10/2019 10:26

My sister in law lost her best friend over an identical argument/situation.

Situations like this baffle me. She text you, she's coming to see you with a gift. Facebook isn't the be all and end all.

It's my personal opinion that people should be less concerned with likes and comments and validation they get by gaining them.

If perception means that much to you, write a gushing post about how much you like the gift she bought you. It feels more like your problem more than hers.

Sorry if the above sounds harsh.

WorraLiberty · 10/10/2019 10:27

You've said a couple of times "I know it's childish"

Yes, it really really is, so instead of just saying it, why don't you actively try to be a bit less childish?

Of course you could ask her why she doesn't want to comment 'publicly' but be prepared for an honest answer.

It may be that your 'hundreds of responses' leads her to think you're a Facebook attention seeker and she's therefore hidden you from her newsfeed - hence not adding to the hundreds.

heartsonacake · 10/10/2019 10:27

YABU. If you hardly ever post, then they’re probably not even showing up on her newsfeed.

Facebooks algorithm shows you popular posts from people you interact with a lot. Considering you’re hardly ever on there you won’t be linked to her account as continually interacting and she’s probably not seeing them.

Seahorseshoe · 10/10/2019 10:28

I've been off Facebook for 2 years. No big reason or drama for me to stop, but I'm glad I did. I highly recommend it.

Straycatstrut · 10/10/2019 10:31

I know a girl (well not girl, she's early 30's!) who literally screams at her OH if he doesn't show his love for her all over FB, they're usually in the same room . They're on the verge of splitting because she's absolutely obsessed over her online profile.

He has to like" and do a speech on her weekly "selfies" about how beautiful and appreciated she is so everyone on her FB can see. He has to comment on what a good mother she is if she posts up child pictures.

I find it so sad people still get distraught about fake "likes" it's been passed down to the next generation. I sincerely hope with all my heart it's dead and burried before my kids are teens.

I challenge everyone to come off it OP- there's a whole world to see away from the sceen, it's really refreshing and living more privately is a lot better for the kids too I think.

Rachelover60 · 10/10/2019 10:32

Good for you, Seahorseshoe! It's a difficult habit to break, so I understand, I've never joined. Nor do I tweet.

Evanted, I hope by now you are feeling better and realise your sister hasn't 'ghosted' you.

Lweji · 10/10/2019 10:33

It depends. Are you a rabid pro/anti-Brexiter and she's the opposite?
Do you post lots of kitten memes?

More seriously, I hardly interact with closer relatives on FB and certainly don't send each other birthday messages over FB.
I find it odd that couples send each other messages over FB for all to see.

Surely, your relationship with her is not FB based.

Ariela · 10/10/2019 10:34

I'd prefer a text rather than a FB prompted happy birthday wish....
My birthday isn't on FB now and it's revealing that only my few closest friends send me a HB text or message. Rest cannot be bothered to remember. However I'm kicking myself for forgetting to post my cousin's birthday card (day after mine, how could I forget as it's part of the birthday routine to go and post it!!)

shearwater · 10/10/2019 10:35

Seriously, don't sweat the small stuff like what people do on Facebook.

The fact that she is seeing you IRL and is thoughtful enough to get you a gift surely counts for 100 birthday messages.

Mam654 · 10/10/2019 10:40

Don't mention it to her.

The fact that you mention the comment about her sending a text instead of liking you post comment in front of family, suggests to me that there is a deeper issue going on here. If you are questioning her intentions, then do you think she is a manipulative person, with some kind of agenda?

If so, then don't bring it up with her, because if you notice what she is doing, then it is working and affecting you. If she has an issue with you, she needs to tell you face-to-face. Ignore all other hints and snide attempts to affect you, because if they work, she will continue to do things like that instead of being an adult and having a proper conversation.

Millennial · 10/10/2019 10:40

Maybe she couldn’t be bothered liking or just forgot. Sometimes I’m scrolling through and I don’t bother doing anything. Sometimes I’ll remember later and send a text or write on their wall if it’s their birthday.

I wouldn’t worry too much but you could just ask her, I don’t think it’s something she would be offended or upset about being asked.

Batcrazy101 · 10/10/2019 10:40

I’m more baffled by It's got to the point where someone (another mutual friend) has noticed and has asked if everything is okay between us

How much time does this person have on their hands to notice your sister doesn’t comment on your very few posts??!!

All very strange indeed!

Millennial · 10/10/2019 10:42

If I’ve seen that there are lots of likes or comments I’m less likely to bother liking or commenting.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/10/2019 10:44

But she sent you a personal message though? FB turns people odd. I'd much rather a text than a FB like on my birthday

Straycatstrut · 10/10/2019 10:49

It may be that your 'hundreds of responses' leads her to think you're a Facebook attention seeker and she's therefore hidden you from her newsfeed - hence not adding to the hundreds.

Yeah exactly. She's jealous you're getting so much attention. You wait until you have one of the "specials" and then bang it up knowing damn well it triggers everyone to feel pressured into diving in with likes and comments like sheep. Which to her looks like you're the most popular one. She thinks "I'm not joining in, giving her more".

Trump card is pregnancy. Bang up an announcment, a scan photo, a gender reveal, the first pic of the newborn....sit back and wait for the likes and comments to roll in.

I kept mine private which shocked a few people when I "suddenly had a baby"

crosspelican · 10/10/2019 10:50

Personally I think a happy birthday on FB from someone who is close enough to expect a phone call/text from you actually has the stronger "cold shoulder" optics.

My BIL will post on his partner's FB "Happy birthday babe!" probably from sitting beside her! It seems (to me!) very weird.

I only post Happy Birthday etc. messages on people's FB if I don't know them well enough to send them wishes by any other medium.

ALSO who on earth was BATSHIT enough to scroll through "hundreds" of congratulations messages on your anniversary and text you to point out that there's no message from your sister and was something up??? That's some world class nosiness right there!

MashedSpud · 10/10/2019 10:51

This is partly why I left fb.

It’s not about family and friends wishing you well, it’s family and friends being seen wishing you well by others.

Mam654 · 10/10/2019 10:52

I'm surprised how many negative comments you have had on here. You obviously know your sister better than we do. If you are questioning her behaviour, then maybe there is a reason why.

Some people do use FB to 'get at' other people. Your sister would know how to affect you, and perhaps she knows this would annoy or confuse you? Alternatively, there could be a simple explanation.

I had a best friend I'd known for 25 years who arranged a birthday party, invited all of our mutual friends, then put a long post on FB about all her 'Besties' being there, and literally tagged them all in so I could see who'd been invited. We had not fallen out and I thought we were great friends - the only conclusion I could come to was that she was very unhappy with her life and I'd just got married...

Don't rise to it. Ignore it. Don't mention it. Pretend you haven't noticed. She will have to talk to you face to face if she has an issue.

misskatamari · 10/10/2019 11:04

As others have said, the most likely explanation is that she's probably not seeing your posts, thanks to Facebook algorithms. Try not to overthink it!

diddl · 10/10/2019 11:05

Tbh though if you notice this, you're not mainly a lurker who uses it to stay in touch, are you?

Your sister got in touch privately instead of just following the herd who got a FB notification?

Good for her.

Stop obsessing about FB, Op & tell your friend that what happens on FB isn't necessarily an indication of real life!

midsummabreak · 10/10/2019 11:10

Agree with AryaStarkWolf facebook makes us odd. It sets up expectations that you must get a certain response on public social media but the response is often nothing more than public lip service.

Not uncommon to get anxious when our expectations are not met on facebook, and yet not everyone can be bothered to keep checking FB to provide the anticipated likes. I dont think you are missing anything of great substance if you dont get public messages or regular likes on facebook. there can be many different reasons why this occurs. as many others have stated.

HarryElephante · 10/10/2019 11:10

It's got to the point where someone (another mutual friend) has noticed and has asked if everything is okay between us.

This part is a piss take, surely. Or your friend really needs to get a life. Who would actually notice something like this.

As for your problem, you are being ridiculous. But, if you can't get over it, talk to your sister...

...by Facebook messenger, obviously....

Vanhi · 10/10/2019 11:12

The algorithm may mean she hadn't even seen your posts ...well over thinking

Probably just that. FB likes to decide for you who you are friends with this week.

Re. the name change, you need to check all the devises you post on. You would need to log out and log back in again on all your devices to make sure it resets everywhere.

TetherEndReached · 10/10/2019 11:17

For what it's worth, I never post birthday wishes etc on FB.
I always call or text if it's too late in the day to call, as I feel it's much more personal that way.
Gawd, I wonder how many I've upset over the years by doing this ?

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