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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cut ties with polyamorous friends

120 replies

lonerdottierebel · 09/10/2019 19:09

I am going to cut a long story short as short as I can, but it's still going to be a bit long. Sorry?!

A couple of parents from the school whose dd has had some play dates with mine, it turns out are polyamorous. I have concern because it goes against my morals and beliefs, because they have been bringing it into the classroom (talking about having intimate encounters in front of children), because someone they're romantically linked to has been causing a lot of problems at the school - chatting mums up, getting one pregnant, he's been to prison in the past, and it goes on (I can give more details), and because one of these mums is another friend of mine, who's dd is also friends with mine, and this man who they're sticking up for caused a lot of pain for her and her husband.

Firstly, I can't be friends with both of these couples, it's just not going to fly with either of them. Secondly, I've done a lot of research on polyamoroury since finding out, I'm afraid of being called a biggot, but I'm just not comfortable with that lifestyle choice and don't want it affecting my daughter - it might not have yet, but I don't fancy taking any risks. Thirdly, since finding out, I've distanced myself from the polyamorous couple, but our children are in the same class, get invited to the same parties, etc, so we naturally bump into each other. I feel so awkward. I politely say hello and then excuse myself. I get the impression they are aware that I now know everything, and are wondering what side of the fence I'm on (if I still want to be friends with them).

It's not the lifestyle for me, but I don't want to be disrespectful to them as that's just not me, and at the moment, I feel that by not being straight with them I'm leading them on, which they don't deserve. I also have very bad social anxiety, and general anxiety, so telling them how I feel about it is a very daunting prospect to say the least. I'm also afraid of making things even more awkward when we inevitably run into each other. I was trying to just let the friendship tail off into the distance, but they keep wanting to converse with me, set up play dates, etc.

This is going to be a controversial subject. I'm prepared to be told I'm not being open-minded, biggoted, etc. Maybe so, but I don't feel I need to justify my reasons any more than I have and hope that anyone who feels that way will respect my morals and beliefs.

What would you do in this situation? If you chose to cut ties, how would you do it?

OP posts:
grumpypregnanttired · 10/10/2019 04:18

You’re being ridiculous and making problems where there are none.

Why does their personal life affect you? Just don’t discuss it with them?

Why do you feel it’s your right to approve or disapprove?

Why are you acting as though the other people who got involved with them are somehow victims? When they’re presumably consenting adults?

Like I said, ridiculous. But go ahead and make a huge issue where there isn’t one, rather than just saying a friendly ‘hello’ when you see them and then moving on with your day 🙄🤷‍♀️

justheretostalk · 10/10/2019 04:32

I think we go to the same school! Grin

Monty27 · 10/10/2019 04:34

Do you mean that they're talking about this in school in front of kids or kids are experiencing these relationships at home and then talking about it in school?
In either case how come school authorities haven't picked up on it?
Are you sure about this OP? Hmm

Rachelover60 · 10/10/2019 05:06

Praiseyou:
they have been bringing it into the classroom (talking about having intimate encounters in front of children)

That would be reason enough for me to stop being friends with them, whether they were monogamous or polyamorous.

..........
Agree.
Had they been discreet, you wouldn't have known about it but they are not discreet. Very unfair that their children know, poor kids. Who wants to know about parents' sex lives?

You're not at all unreasonable to cut ties; the only thing I can think of which might negate that is if one or more of your children was extremely good friends with one of those. That would be difficult and I honestly don't know how I would have handled it. Easier if they are older but for small children it would be very hard to explain.

Rachelover60 · 10/10/2019 05:10

NewElthamMum
@OrchidInTheSun
I've given a talk to my kid's class about dogging.

gringrin Well you certainly put a smile on my face grin
............
How on earth did you explain that? The mind boggles. Even I, at great age, am not quite sure what 'dogging' is. Public sex in car parks wearing masks? Oo-er.

I replied because I also live in New Eltham. Gr La on Chi border.

(Not anything to do with subject of thread (hope I will be forgiven); please tell me about things that go on in New Eltham, I mean local stuff, meetings and activities. I'm recently widowed and would like something to do locally. Ta)

BellyButton85 · 10/10/2019 05:18

I'm absolutely with you OP!
I wouldn't want to be involved and certainly wouldn't want my children around this disfunction. And yes that's exactly what it is!
I don't want my kids thinking this sort of relationship is normal because it's not.

longwayoff · 10/10/2019 05:40

They're just shaggers. Plenty of them around, whatever they choose to call themselves. Who cares? Make other friends.

Zoflorabore · 10/10/2019 06:02

No wonder some people love doing the school run or this is their entertainment....

The most exciting thing that happens at dd’s primary is being twatted on the head with the lollipop lady’s lollipop. It seems to like my head.

How long has your child got left there op?

ForalltheSaints · 10/10/2019 06:51

If they are being indiscreet and talking in front of children about their relationships, that seems enough for me. The only question is whether you should tell them that is why you are cutting ties.

Unfortunately lack of morals did not prevent Ryan Giggs from becoming the Welsh football manager, nor Mr Johnson the Prime Minister.

didofido · 10/10/2019 07:03

"Why do you feel it’s your right to approve or disapprove?"

Surely we all have a right to approve or disapprove of anything? Not to stop others doing or believing anything legal, but to have opinions which we can keep to ourselves.

Teacher22 · 10/10/2019 07:19

It certainly is a funny old world when it is ‘judgemental’ to disapprove of those who discuss sexual encounters in front of children in a classroom but OK to disapprove of those who eat meat or to teach dogging in class. Mumsnet is a fascinating glimpse into changing cultural mores. What is certainly true is that rejecting old moral values and replacing them with those which are equally flawed is not progress, just change.

AmIThough · 10/10/2019 07:26

I thought polyamory was multiple people in a committed relationship?

So basically woman 1 is in an open relationship.

Criminal man just likes sex with everyone (why does he have access to his children if he's THAT much of a criminal?)

And pregnant woman is a cheat.

Is that about right?

Teacher22 · 10/10/2019 07:27

“Surely we all have a right to approve or disapprove of anything? Not to stop others doing or believing anything legal, but to have opinions which we can keep to ourselves.”

Didofido, that is a good working definition of tolerance which is in short supply today. It used to be that in a homogeneous society with traditional values, those on the right lacked tolerance for outlying or challenging views. Now, I observe, that in a society where cultural values are fluid, dynamic and fast changing, it is the left which has become dogmatic and intolerant. One is more likely to abused for not praising extreme sexual practices than one was in the past for supporting an unmarried mother.

Perhaps, after all, it is intolerance itself we are wedded to. We just like to be in the ‘in group’ condemning the ‘out group’.

theretheirtheyrenotno · 10/10/2019 07:27

Why on earth are the police involved?

Damntheman · 10/10/2019 07:34

I suspect they're all much better off without your blistering judgemental friendship so cut ties as much as you like love!

GrumpiestCat · 10/10/2019 07:38

I find it nauseating when grown adults talk about their sex lives or kinks so I'm largely on your side. A guy I knew was always trying to sell his bdsm books on Facebook and posting about going to Fetlife "munches" *shudder. I just unfollowed him in the end. That stuff should be private.

WelshMammaofaSlovak · 10/10/2019 18:01

@OrchidInTheSun GrinGrinGrin That properly made me laugh out loud.

zeeboo · 10/10/2019 18:37

You don't really understand what polyamory is do you? Polyamory is the term for people who are in a committed relationship with more than one person so not monogamous but not promiscuous. The characters you're describing aren't poly at all unless you've described it badly and they are actually in a committed relationship between the three of them?

And people discussing hook-ups at drop off, loudly enough for you to hear them and in terms children could understand but the school haven't used any of the many measures at their disposal about it? I'll take 'Things that never happened' for $500 please.

longwayoff · 10/10/2019 19:13

@Orchidinthesun, please tell us that wasn't on Show and Tell day.

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