Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cut ties with polyamorous friends

120 replies

lonerdottierebel · 09/10/2019 19:09

I am going to cut a long story short as short as I can, but it's still going to be a bit long. Sorry?!

A couple of parents from the school whose dd has had some play dates with mine, it turns out are polyamorous. I have concern because it goes against my morals and beliefs, because they have been bringing it into the classroom (talking about having intimate encounters in front of children), because someone they're romantically linked to has been causing a lot of problems at the school - chatting mums up, getting one pregnant, he's been to prison in the past, and it goes on (I can give more details), and because one of these mums is another friend of mine, who's dd is also friends with mine, and this man who they're sticking up for caused a lot of pain for her and her husband.

Firstly, I can't be friends with both of these couples, it's just not going to fly with either of them. Secondly, I've done a lot of research on polyamoroury since finding out, I'm afraid of being called a biggot, but I'm just not comfortable with that lifestyle choice and don't want it affecting my daughter - it might not have yet, but I don't fancy taking any risks. Thirdly, since finding out, I've distanced myself from the polyamorous couple, but our children are in the same class, get invited to the same parties, etc, so we naturally bump into each other. I feel so awkward. I politely say hello and then excuse myself. I get the impression they are aware that I now know everything, and are wondering what side of the fence I'm on (if I still want to be friends with them).

It's not the lifestyle for me, but I don't want to be disrespectful to them as that's just not me, and at the moment, I feel that by not being straight with them I'm leading them on, which they don't deserve. I also have very bad social anxiety, and general anxiety, so telling them how I feel about it is a very daunting prospect to say the least. I'm also afraid of making things even more awkward when we inevitably run into each other. I was trying to just let the friendship tail off into the distance, but they keep wanting to converse with me, set up play dates, etc.

This is going to be a controversial subject. I'm prepared to be told I'm not being open-minded, biggoted, etc. Maybe so, but I don't feel I need to justify my reasons any more than I have and hope that anyone who feels that way will respect my morals and beliefs.

What would you do in this situation? If you chose to cut ties, how would you do it?

OP posts:
ElizaPancakes · 09/10/2019 19:29

I've given a talk to my kid's class about dogging. It's the sort of thing schools need to teach

What level of Biff, Chip and Kipper is that?

It’s the ones with Floppy in them Grin

OrchidInTheSun · 09/10/2019 19:33

@ElizaPancakes GrinGrin

MiddleClassProblem · 09/10/2019 19:34

How did this other bloke (not part of the couple) make things difficult for your other friend and her husband?

HerRoyalFattyness · 09/10/2019 19:34

To be fair I always did think biff and chips parents looked a bit dodgy

MiddleClassProblem · 09/10/2019 19:36

It’s best if you go dogging that the dog is Floppy. It takes on a whole other illegal dimension otherwise...

MuchBetterNow · 09/10/2019 19:37

There's a magic key book with a Rolf Harris lookie likey and pretty sure there's a Jimmy Savile one as well. These guys were ahead of their time.

OrchidInTheSun · 09/10/2019 19:43

That magic key was dodgy as. The only good book was the one about the gran and her blue shoes.

CarolDanvers · 09/10/2019 19:43

I don't blame you. It's all a bit grubby isn't it? If people want to do this they should keep it to themselves. I'm sick of having to comfortable with other people's fetishes or be labelled a bigot. Go somewhere private, shut the door and STFU up about it!

Original poster
lonerdottierebel · 09/10/2019 19:45
  • They weren't talking 'to' the children about it. The woman is romantically linked to this other guy (the one causing a lot of trouble at the school with other women), and they've been discussing where and when they're next going to be having sex in the classroom at drop off/pick up whilst children have been close by.

@WorraLibertyI know it takes two to get someone pregnant, but this guy has been ruining other couple's relationships. Again, I know it takes two, but see the OP - prison, harassing, police, etc. Not a good egg, regardless.

@user1473878824 I meant leading them on to think I still want to hang out, if you were thinking I meant something else.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 09/10/2019 19:46

I'd ditch them like a hot rock. No explanation needed. Personally I'd tell them straight I don't want to be exposed to their lifestyle.
People like this really piss me off.

53rdWay · 09/10/2019 19:49

and they've been discussing where and when they're next going to be having sex in the classroom at drop off/pick up

Grim.

PickAChew · 09/10/2019 19:50

I'm with Praiseyou. They sound pretty crass, in general.

user1473878824 · 09/10/2019 19:53

@OrchidInTheSun

ArnoldWhatshisknickers · 09/10/2019 19:53

they've been discussing where and when they're next going to be having sex in the classroom at drop off/pick up

So they're deliberately trying to involve others in their fetish.

I'd avoid them like the plague, they sound horrible.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/10/2019 19:55

@ElizaPancakes Grin
Their conversations in front of the children are questionable and it makes you uncomfortable. You can be acquainted with other parents but you dont have to be close friends with anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable.

OrchidInTheSun · 09/10/2019 19:55

What, like:

'Hi Angela! How are you?'

'Great, Keith. Actually, I'm so glad you're doing pick up today. Wondered if you fancied a fuck behind the bins outside Budgens later? About 8? I've got yoga before but the class finishes at 7.45 so I could fit in a quick knee trembler before The Apprentice'

That sort of thing?

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 09/10/2019 19:59

There’s no expectation to know, let along hang out with, the parents at school. Just be polite but distant and stand with another group.

Turquoisesea · 09/10/2019 20:00

Grin orchidinthesun

rvby · 09/10/2019 20:01

I don't share your views on the practice of polyamory. I think it's fine and it doesn't bother me.

My DC would have nothing to do with adults who struggle to maintain normal boundaries in sexual behaviour when in the presence of children. In no universe should children be hearing chats about upcoming trysts etc. Those sorts of poor boundaries to me are a red flag for sexual abuse risk.

You can be swinging from the chandeliers once the kids are in bed, with whoever you please, that is a non issue to me, but once the kids are in earshot of that sort of thing - that's where grooming starts to become a question.

Abusers do this sort of thing to see which child is curious / has lower boundaries so that they can hone in on them for grooming.

I'd say nothing to them and simply withdraw from them socially. May be worth mentioning the sex talk to the school since it's happening on school property and other children may also be exposed to it. Not on.

Original poster
lonerdottierebel · 09/10/2019 20:02

@MiddleClassProblem She didn't know what he was up to, wasn't aware he was polyamorous, they became friends, and then he started propositioning her, etc, at which point she said no thanks, and then the rest of it came out into the open - the other women he'd been doing the same thing with, making them feel that they had a friend and felt secure then coming onto them.

OP posts:
HeyNotInMyName · 09/10/2019 20:03

Don’t mix issues

  • the talking about having sex at pick up time, I’d raise the issue with the school. Not appropriate in front of children IF they were that explicit. Aka not just saying ‘shall we meet-up at xx? Wink wink’.
  • the fact this guy isn’t a nice person (I’m not sure what you can do about it - you will often have a parent like this in the school)
  • the fact there is a coiple who has a different experience /expectation re sex than you have. And that' tbh, isn’t your issue.

The reality is that if the guy in question hadnt been sticking out as much, you probably wouldn’t have been none the wiser tbh.

As for telling them, forget it. People can usually work out if someone wants to be friendly with them or not. And you are giving very good vibes you dint want to. Stay polite, say hello when you meet then at parties and that’s it. You dint need to do anything else. All your concerns about it is your anxiety talking.

HeyNotInMyName · 09/10/2019 20:05

@lonerdottierebel, as a grown up woman, I’m sure your friend should be able to deal with unwanted attention. She needs to treat as such and unless he is pestering her about it, where is the issue?

Unihorn · 09/10/2019 20:07

They're sex people, Lynn!

MashedSpud · 09/10/2019 20:07

You can choose to be friends with (or not) whoever you like for whatever reason(s).

FamilyOfAliens · 09/10/2019 20:07

That does sound like they’re having sex in the classroom, not talking about it.