Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cut ties with polyamorous friends

120 replies

lonerdottierebel · 09/10/2019 19:09

I am going to cut a long story short as short as I can, but it's still going to be a bit long. Sorry?!

A couple of parents from the school whose dd has had some play dates with mine, it turns out are polyamorous. I have concern because it goes against my morals and beliefs, because they have been bringing it into the classroom (talking about having intimate encounters in front of children), because someone they're romantically linked to has been causing a lot of problems at the school - chatting mums up, getting one pregnant, he's been to prison in the past, and it goes on (I can give more details), and because one of these mums is another friend of mine, who's dd is also friends with mine, and this man who they're sticking up for caused a lot of pain for her and her husband.

Firstly, I can't be friends with both of these couples, it's just not going to fly with either of them. Secondly, I've done a lot of research on polyamoroury since finding out, I'm afraid of being called a biggot, but I'm just not comfortable with that lifestyle choice and don't want it affecting my daughter - it might not have yet, but I don't fancy taking any risks. Thirdly, since finding out, I've distanced myself from the polyamorous couple, but our children are in the same class, get invited to the same parties, etc, so we naturally bump into each other. I feel so awkward. I politely say hello and then excuse myself. I get the impression they are aware that I now know everything, and are wondering what side of the fence I'm on (if I still want to be friends with them).

It's not the lifestyle for me, but I don't want to be disrespectful to them as that's just not me, and at the moment, I feel that by not being straight with them I'm leading them on, which they don't deserve. I also have very bad social anxiety, and general anxiety, so telling them how I feel about it is a very daunting prospect to say the least. I'm also afraid of making things even more awkward when we inevitably run into each other. I was trying to just let the friendship tail off into the distance, but they keep wanting to converse with me, set up play dates, etc.

This is going to be a controversial subject. I'm prepared to be told I'm not being open-minded, biggoted, etc. Maybe so, but I don't feel I need to justify my reasons any more than I have and hope that anyone who feels that way will respect my morals and beliefs.

What would you do in this situation? If you chose to cut ties, how would you do it?

OP posts:
FriedasCarLoad · 09/10/2019 20:10

Firstly, it’s perfectly possible to be friends with people of whose actions one disapproves - I have Christian views on sex and marriage but no shortage of (non-Christian) friends who live with partners, sleep around, or are married to people of the same sex. Loving someone doesn’t mean you have to agree with them.

On the other hand, it sounds like you have to choose between these people and other friends whom they hurt, and you’re sticking with the innocent party. Absolutely fine.

No need to be friendly, but still be courteous.

Original poster
lonerdottierebel · 09/10/2019 20:11

@rvby The school are aware and they are keeping a close eye on the situation. The police have spoken to this guy about his behaviour. I'm not sure exactly what is said. Everyone is feeling a bit frustrated that nothing more can be done at this point, but I guess that's procedure and the school have to have so much evidence before they can really draw the line and remove people.

@HeyNotInMyName Thanks for your 'to the point' reply. I agree, there is a lot packed into this post. It all came at once for me, so it's all meshed together in my head, which isn't helping my anxiety. You are probably right about it being my anxiety talking, regarding how I cut ties with the parents. I'm probably over thinking it. I've always struggled with walking away from people, no matter how much I disagree with them, what they've done, etc.

OP posts:
Puzzledbyart · 09/10/2019 20:11

Should it not be either "multiamory" or "polyphilia" in the educational context? Greek and Latin roots don't mix.

timshelthechoice · 09/10/2019 20:14

Oh, please.

FriedasCarLoad · 09/10/2019 20:14

Should it not be either "multiamory" or "polyphilia" in the educational context? Greek and Latin roots don't mix.

But then won’t we have to stop watching television? Grin

ArnoldWhatshisknickers · 09/10/2019 20:14

Should it not be either "multiamory" or "polyphilia" in the educational context? Greek and Latin roots don't mix.

I'm pretty sure that battle was lost with the invention of television.

Mummytoonlychild · 09/10/2019 20:16

Im going to be crude here but how the f is there relationships anything to do with you. You may not agree and that is ok. But don't be so crass you are not involved in the relationships so just bloody ignore it. Not everyone is the same as you so just do you and don't F-ing judge who they are having sex with as long as they are happy and legal leave them to it. I am in the belief that you and your children should be informed on all aspects of life including sexual orientation, religion, looks ect.
I have told my daughter love is love and as long as they are happy leave them be

Drabarni · 09/10/2019 20:19

Maybe speak to the teacher and they can do some work on different type of relationship. The teachers should be doing this as it's in the classroom.
I'd concentrate on friendships outside school and not get involved. Drop off, pick up, smile at everyone, say hello and off you go. Same with pick up.

OneHanded · 09/10/2019 20:19

So glad you’re here @OrchidInTheSun 😅😂

ArnoldWhatshisknickers · 09/10/2019 20:20

But don't be so crass you are not involved in the relationships so just bloody ignore it.

How can OP ignore it when they are blabbing about it in class and in the playground in full gearing of children?

How about they keep their relationship/s to their damn selves?

To be crude myself they sound as if they are getting off on others discomfort.

DisappearingGirl · 09/10/2019 20:24

I wouldn't be keen either on all the shouting about sex or the guy befriending multiple women just to try and cop off.

However, I don't know if you need to officially cut ties. Maybe don't meet up with the parents socially any more. But if they say hi at school I would just say hi back. And if your DC gets on with theirs, it's a real shame for their (innocent) DC if they suddenly get ostracised from play dates, so I'd probably continue with those.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 09/10/2019 20:27

Gosh.

breakfastpizza · 09/10/2019 20:27

If you see them in person, be polite and smile, otherwise freeze them out. "We're really busy atm, I'll get back to you." "We have some family stuff going on, maybe another time." Practise what you'll say.

You don't have to be friends with anyone you don't want to be and you don't owe them a reason.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 09/10/2019 20:28

It does not sound like polyamory at all! just sounds like a grim randy fucker trying to work his way through the mums in the playground

batvixen123 · 09/10/2019 20:28

*How can OP ignore it when they are blabbing about it in class and in the playground in full gearing of children?

How about they keep their relationship/s to their damn selves?*

Well, it's a bit unclear what's actually been said in front of the children. If it's along the lines of "can't wait to get you alone tomorrow night! I'll bring the nipple clips" then that's clearly very inappropriate. If it's more along the lines of "are we still on for Tuesday? Great! Pick you up at 8" then the OP is being U - that's two adults having a perfectly normal conversation, and if these are long term committed relationships, yeah, the kids will know about it and that's normal and ok. There's a family at DD's school which is made up of two dads and one mum, all living together as a family (they've been together for years). Of course they aren't going to pretend they aren't a family in public and it doesn't do kids any harm to know that different kinds of families exist as long as it's explained in an age appropriate way.

XXYY376 · 09/10/2019 20:31

Tbf have you seen the titles of the Biff, Chip & Kipper books now?

The Fizz Buzz
Win a nut
Six in a bed
Poor old rabbit

I think this is what the next MN campaign should be addressing!!!!

IdiotInDisguise · 09/10/2019 20:31

I really don’t think the problem is that they are polyamorous but that they are crass, insensitive and one of them a criminal.

So yes, you are a bigot if you are cutting them off for being polyamorous, You should be cutting them off for all the other stuff!

ArnoldWhatshisknickers · 09/10/2019 20:31

Primary school children do not need to hear "talking about having intimate encounters".

Nor frankly do other adults. Different family compositions aren't the issue.

Inappropriate behaviour and complete disregard for others boundaries is.

reasonablesettlement · 09/10/2019 20:32

Blimey, my DC went to boring schools!

I would bet my bottom dollar that your face has probably said it all already and they know that you are not up for a bit of "private tuition" or "detention".

TheGlaikitRambler · 09/10/2019 20:38

Are you a bit salty that they haven't asked you to join in?

FizzyIce · 09/10/2019 20:42

Really? We’re they really taking about it in front of the kids?
I don’t know why but this whole thing just sounds like turd .
Or maybe you’re just embellishing so it sounds worse than it is

FizzyIce · 09/10/2019 20:42

*were

Bluntness100 · 09/10/2019 20:47

What help are you getting about your anxiety? You keep mentioning it.

As for this

I'm a supporter of the LGBTQ+ movement, I have family that are gay and trans, before that gets thrown at me!

Exactly what has this got to do with the situation you've mentioned?

Bluntness100 · 09/10/2019 20:48

And as for them talking about their next sexual encounters in front of the kids, I'd bet good money that never happened.

Original poster
lonerdottierebel · 09/10/2019 20:50

@FizzyIce I wish. I just wanted some advice here not to be accused of making something up. I've got better things to be doing with my time than bullshitting.

OP posts: