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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cut ties with polyamorous friends

120 replies

lonerdottierebel · 09/10/2019 19:09

I am going to cut a long story short as short as I can, but it's still going to be a bit long. Sorry?!

A couple of parents from the school whose dd has had some play dates with mine, it turns out are polyamorous. I have concern because it goes against my morals and beliefs, because they have been bringing it into the classroom (talking about having intimate encounters in front of children), because someone they're romantically linked to has been causing a lot of problems at the school - chatting mums up, getting one pregnant, he's been to prison in the past, and it goes on (I can give more details), and because one of these mums is another friend of mine, who's dd is also friends with mine, and this man who they're sticking up for caused a lot of pain for her and her husband.

Firstly, I can't be friends with both of these couples, it's just not going to fly with either of them. Secondly, I've done a lot of research on polyamoroury since finding out, I'm afraid of being called a biggot, but I'm just not comfortable with that lifestyle choice and don't want it affecting my daughter - it might not have yet, but I don't fancy taking any risks. Thirdly, since finding out, I've distanced myself from the polyamorous couple, but our children are in the same class, get invited to the same parties, etc, so we naturally bump into each other. I feel so awkward. I politely say hello and then excuse myself. I get the impression they are aware that I now know everything, and are wondering what side of the fence I'm on (if I still want to be friends with them).

It's not the lifestyle for me, but I don't want to be disrespectful to them as that's just not me, and at the moment, I feel that by not being straight with them I'm leading them on, which they don't deserve. I also have very bad social anxiety, and general anxiety, so telling them how I feel about it is a very daunting prospect to say the least. I'm also afraid of making things even more awkward when we inevitably run into each other. I was trying to just let the friendship tail off into the distance, but they keep wanting to converse with me, set up play dates, etc.

This is going to be a controversial subject. I'm prepared to be told I'm not being open-minded, biggoted, etc. Maybe so, but I don't feel I need to justify my reasons any more than I have and hope that anyone who feels that way will respect my morals and beliefs.

What would you do in this situation? If you chose to cut ties, how would you do it?

OP posts:
Fuma · 09/10/2019 20:54

I think op in your struggle to be woke and accepting like we're all told to be (and indeed as you've been told to be on this thread) you're ignoring what your basic social instincts are telling you: that this guy is a criminal sex pest and that anyone who discusses their sex life in front of children is at best lacking in judgement and boundaries. It's this mismatch between the instinctive signal reading and the desire to be tolerant that is causing you stress maybe. It might be helpful to just look at their behaviour without putting a sexual identity label on it and then you can see if you want to be around people who interact and engage with others around them the way this pair does.

Bluntness100 · 09/10/2019 20:58

If they were talking about their sex lives in front of the kids report it to the school.

That's nothing to do with their relationship choices and everything to do with inappropriate behaviour.

Gretafamily · 09/10/2019 20:59

@Unihorn
GrinGrinGrin

OrchidInTheSun · 09/10/2019 21:01

I think I may have peaked @OneHanded. Now Keith and Angela are safely at home, small glass of Pinot in hand (Angela); or cup of tea (Keith)l I have run out of things to say about them.

JustTurtlesAllTheWayDown · 09/10/2019 21:06

I prefer polyamorous relationships and am in one now, but the poly community can be a bit up it's own arse sometimes.
Ive met too many poly people who are entirely too keen to let all and sundry know what just how cool they are by talking sex endlessly.
Which is a long way to say YANBU, I'd be avoiding them too, and they definitely shouldn't be talking about what they get up to in front of children.

NerdyCurvyInkedandPervy · 09/10/2019 21:08

I'm with @Bluntness100 here. This is utter bollocks.
I bet what it is OP is that you've heard playground talk that they might be poly or swingers and can't wait to get your car keys in a bowl but you're miffed that they've not asked you.

But yeah, do tell us all about gròwn men and women discussing their sex lives in front of kids. Because everyone knows that's what those poly people do....

Bennyandthejetsssss · 09/10/2019 21:11

I’ve had a similar situation. You’re not being judgemental, you just find it uncomfortable as would most non-polyamorous people.

Keep your distance and find your comfort zone. Put the boundaries there so run-ins at parties do not draw you in to the subject. Polite, cheery, get the kids and out.

As for your DD, I’m sure there will be nothing in the classroom or on the child party circuit that will do any damage.

I had to distance myself from a polyamorous friend as her hubby didn’t know that was her style - yet half the place we lived in, did! The shit it caused our friendship group was tough but it just felt wrong and it is uncomfortable. She was actually a great woman in many ways but the lies etc. were not for me to have to worry about.

There are always others out there with more aligned beliefs and principles, you really don’t have to be friends with everyone - especially if you don’t like what they’re doing.

Drabarni · 09/10/2019 21:16

So, they are discussing when they are meeting up when they are in the classroom.
wtf are parents in the classroom anyway Confused
re they talking about what they are going to do, i.e dtd, or just meeting up?
I can't see anything wrong with what they are doing OP, and also don't understand why the Police have spoken to the man, it isn't illegal.

BrainFart · 09/10/2019 21:21

As a PP has pointed out, they are sex people (Lynn).

So, a simple "no thank you. I don't want to be part of your sex festival", whilst backing away should do the trick.

FenellaVelour · 09/10/2019 21:27

If it was just polyamory then yeah I’d say you were being massively judgemental. What adults do in their private and personal lives, so long as it’s not illegal, should be no business of yours.

The trouble is, they’ve made it your business by bringing the children into it and discussing it at school, which is bizarre and grim. In that case YANBU.

Patroclus · 09/10/2019 21:28

You know exactly why the LGBT thing is being mentioned. The usual tedious its all cool man woke types will try an pin this as bigotry, as ive had when I objected to people getting sexual kicks from people acting like children.

Craftycorvid · 09/10/2019 21:31

Being Poly doesn’t mean over-sharing (anything) and it seems it’s the potential over-share of information that’s the issue causing most offence. I’m confused how it even arose in normal conversation tbh. Being Poly isn’t ‘swinging’ either, nor is it Poly if one person is having sex elsewhere without their partner’s knowledge (they call that an affair round our way). You’re completely entitled to feel uncomfortable with someone’s lifestyle, OP, it’s a personal thing. Personally, I’m not bothered what anyone else gets up to as long as it’s legal and they don’t expect me to join in. As I understand it, Poly relationships are boundaried, not an opportunity for freelance shagging.

easyandy101 · 09/10/2019 21:34

*As a PP has pointed out, they are sex people (Lynn).

So, a simple "no thank you. I don't want to be part of your sex festival", whilst backing away should do the trick.*

/dead

stucknoue · 09/10/2019 21:34

You do not need to be friends with your dc's friends. Just be polite when you cross paths. The other things seem more far fetched, and Chinese whispers ring a bell. How much is hear say?

WhatTiggersDoBest · 09/10/2019 21:36

@Bluntness100 my thoughts exactly. It's all bollocks.

horse4course · 09/10/2019 21:43

The mind boggles at how anyone with young children manages to find the energy for multiple relationships!

They sound like chaotic shitbags. Not for being polyamorous but for causing chaos. Perfectly possible to be polyamorous in a less dramatic fashion. Distance yourself for that reason.

Lagatha · 09/10/2019 21:44

I will never look at polyfilla in the same light again. I will be thinking of polyfillia.

Time for Alan's deep bath.

GothMummy · 09/10/2019 21:52

If you don't like them and they make you uncomfortable then there is no reason to be friends with them.

Hedgehogblues · 09/10/2019 21:54

Yeah, I don't for one second belive they were sharing the intimate details of their lives. It all sounds too much like "but why do they have to FLAUNT it?!!!!!"

IdblowJonSnow · 09/10/2019 22:09

Just be polite but don't engage. You don't have to justify yourself to them.
I can understand why you're uncomfortable. Yanbu.

Gruntvsgunt · 09/10/2019 22:12

I think it’s fair to say with the attitude you have towards them you are not their friend anyway.

TriDreigiau · 09/10/2019 22:14

you're ignoring what your basic social instincts are telling you: that this guy is a criminal sex pest and that anyone who discusses their sex life in front of children is at best lacking in judgement and boundaries. It's this mismatch between the instinctive signal reading and the desire to be tolerant that is causing you stress

I wondered if it was this as well.

It's really okay to just be distantly polite - no drama just move well away from them.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 09/10/2019 22:16

OP I don't think they're polyamorous, just all shagging around. There's a difference.

Novembersbean · 09/10/2019 22:25

OP can you clarify whether the conversation they had in front of the kids was sexually explicit or just along the lines of "are we still meeting up"?

The answer to that question completely changes whether this is a problem or not.

NewElthamMum13 · 09/10/2019 23:09

@OrchidInTheSun
I've given a talk to my kid's class about dogging.

GrinGrin Well you certainly put a smile on my face Grin