Now I feel total shit and rubbish as a parent AIBU?

[Toysintheattic29]

My kids are mature adults. Both have degrees, both have good jobs and both own their own flats in London (with the help of my husband and myself). My husband isn't their dad - I split with him when they were small. Spent a year homeless with them and then struggled to get us a roof over our heads. Made one or two mistakes along with way with bad choices of relationship. Little or no support from dad through this. We moved around a bit which involved the kids changing schools. However I felt if I gave them all my love and support and saw they had a good education they wouldn't do so badly. During those years I was hurting but I'm not sure they appreciate just how much,. They grew up to be careful with money, didn't smoke or drink heavily. I had rotten partners and one was abusive. I have fully accepted and acknowledged the folly of my ways as a younger woman and in many ways, now don't like who I was then. Later I married a lovely man and have been with him for almost 25 years. Together we were able to give the kids stability through Uni and beyond,. Now for the crunch. One had kids a short while ago and clearly since then has made comparisons between their childhood and what their own kids have. Sometime ago they made it clear to me they had a shit childhood and cross-examined me about why I had made the decisions I did. I took this on the chin and apologised for all my mistakes. However the 'rubbish childhood' issue persists and as if that isn't enough I was told recently what a crap education they had too; they missed out because they changed secondary schools. My kids didn't go without that much when they were growing up - I made sure I gave them what they wanted at Christmas and on birthdays. They had holidays both in the UK and abroad. They had pretty much all the outings they wanted and when I finally got a decent job I gave them as much as I could. I have treated them countless times to meals, clothes, treats, given them support when relationships broke down - including giving them a home and lending my car. I feel any deficits from when they were kids were more than made up for as they got older. But no, I still get digs about how how crap their lives were as kids and it seems never to go away. The 'lousy education' comment was the final straw. I wonder why they even want to spend time with me when I am clearly so awful. AIBU?

Some children grow up to be entitled and u grateful little shits! One of my brothers is like this. Tbh maybe you went a bit too far the other way and they are spoilt? Sounds like a very spoilt attitude. You did the best you could under difficult circumstances and they should be appreciative of that.

'One had kids a short while ago' - then they don't know what it's like to be a parent of older children.

Moving house and changing schools once is not the end of the world.

People do make mistakes and you seem to have acknowledged yours, and done all you can to make up for it.

It can be really easy to judge your own parents when your kids are babies - less so when they grow older and are more challenging!

Can you say to them:
Look, like any mum, I know I made some mistakes while you were growing up, and I'm genuinely sorry for those. But I've always loved you and I've done my best for you.
It really hurts me when you make digs about having had a crap childhood, lousy education etc, so don't do it in front of me any more.

Yes, a bit.

You can't change the past but you need to try to understand that splitting with their dad and then "Making one or two mistakes along with way with bad choices of relationship", would have taken up a large part of their childhood that they'll never get back.

It will also have shaped them as future adults.

Instead of 'feeling shit, rubbish, wondering why they want to spend time with you when you're clearly awful' and other self-pitying language, you would probably be better to work on the very slow process of rebuilding your relationships with them.

It was tough on you but as the adult you got to make the choices. As the children, they didn't.

My own mum could have written your post. Until you got to the part about your kids making comparisons.

I'm grateful to my mum. She made sacrifices, went without, toiled and struggled to bring us up - despite what life threw at her. I recognise and celebrate what she did for me.

I too went to uni - on a grant. I too own my own home in London - with no parental help. I too have had kids - but now recognise how fkn hard my mum has it.

So if you ask me? Your kids sound like entitled, spoiled, self interested assholes.

Gifts and holidays are a tiny part of childhood.

I do think having your own children makes you naturally question your own childhood and process it as an adult. Better for you that they are trying to deal with it, I went NC so they could have done that.

I agree with Worra. You were free to make your own decisions as an adult, they got no choice and now have to live with it.

I don't think that parents realise what an impact a few bad years can have. Especially if they included times when you didn't feel safe.

A friend of mine has been having MH issues. He genuinely doesn't think his children have been impacted and they absolutely have.

I'm not saying that you were a bad parent but that because you came good in the end it negates the years of fear, homelessness etc

That said : once apologised for, it shouldn't be used as a stick to beat you with, everyone does as best they can and perhaps you need to have it out with them once and for all so they don't keep throwing it in your face.

Next time they say that I would just sit them down and literally talk them through what happened, why you left the father, why you had to do what you did with no support from the father, yes you made mistakes, but at the time felt you were doing your best and hindsight is a great thing. You tried to provide stability, you supported them through their education with no help from their actual father, you made sacrifices for them , would you change things if you could go back, yes but you can’t

You are sorry they feel the way they do, you did your best in the circumstances, and they are circumstances you hope they never have to deal with, and actually their comments are very hurtful.

Then just don’t discuss it again, just repeat the mantra I am sorry, I have explained

I think the abusive relationship part is perhaps the crux of the issue. How did the abuse affect them? Why did they have to move schools?

I think there may be more to this story.

It does sound like you tried your hardest, but it's obvious their childhood has impacted them.

You say you 'moved around abit', but then said they only had to change school once.

You also said they you had shitty relationships. Did you move these men in with you and your kids?

If so, with the moving and the shitty men, they probably did feel very unsettled.

You may have bought them nice gifts, but it can't stop what they seen and felt as children.

It's obvious you have tried so hard, but it is inevitable that they are going to compare their kids upbringing to their own.

You have said sorry to them and they will forgive, but you really cannot expect them to forget.

It's moving forward that matters so try and have a conversation about this.

Your kids sound like entitled, spoiled, self interested assholes.

From the tiny bit the OP has told us about them, I'd agree on the face of it.

But we don't have any kind of view of their childhoods and what it was really like for them.

Knowing that, might change both our minds.

How come you get the flack?!
You did what you could, recognised your mistakes, and made up for it. Why don't you tell the ungrateful fuckers to ask their dad?!

Yes I completely agree and accept that I was the adult and made the decisions. I know things were bad and I know their childhoods can’t ever be re-written. I just wish I wasn’t constantly being reminded about it. It doesn’t help anyone I don’t think.

Kids who come from homes where there's been a lot of stress and change, also different parent figures, often go through a period in their adult lives where they grieve for that time and criticise the choices their parents made. You can't change the past - and you've apologised. You need to keep calmly pointing out what you did do for them. Your the easiest person to blame as your the one still there - sadly you're probably getting the rage they should actually be targeting at others. And they might think they're perfect parents at the moment, but it's possible they're picking up some of the behaviour they've witnessed in some of your ex-partners and 'exorcising' it a bit. Let them get it out of their system, but maintain your dignity. You've apologised, but actually you have also done your best. If the criticism continues, give them a little space. Maintain your dignity. You've survived and can be proud of what you've done. You have looked after them for years; look after yourself for a while, but keep the door and the love open. Chances are once their kids start playing up as teens and criticising them (as all kids do) they'll see life from the other side.

I'm sure you love your kids but some people are just mean. I'd never criticise my Mum, as she did her best but my sister?!? She wrote my mother a 5-page letter on her 70th birthday listing all the things she thought she'd done to "ruin" her life. It's laughable but it's taken some convincing to ensure my Mum believes her other grateful three children. Some people are just mean!

Ask her to come back and speak to you again once "real life" has bitten her in the bum - perhaps her charmed life now makes her holier than thou?

It sounds like some fairly difficult things happened to them as young children and that may take some time to work through. Childhood trauma can't really be made up for by financial gifts later in life. It also sounds like you loved them and did your best and you shouldn't have to be an emotional punching bag. Maybe suggest your DC considers counselling or an alternative outlet for their feelings?
FWIW I also didn't have the best childhood but I've only ever once had a conversation with my Mum about it being hard for us because she knows and she doesn't need me to make her feel worse.

Homelessness and several men passing through would be unsettling and have an impact. However, you must have worked incredibly hard to overcome their early disadvantage.
We’re they criticising or just stating a fact?
Our eldest says our youngest had more advantages growing up and it’s true. We talk through our life quite often and she knows full well that we did our absolute best. She also knows that we’re now paying a hefty amount to support her wedding and helped with her house.
I don’t think acknowledging earlier challenges and the impact means all you did is wasted. It’s taught them much hopefully; knowing and dealing with disadvantage can help build a determination and inner strength.
Talk to them about how hard life was and how much you look forward to supporting them through the challenges parenting will undoubtedly bring.

I think this is very unfair of them & something that may well turn round and bite them on the bum further down the line when their own children are older and are able to express an opinion on how your children have parented them.

I think In Your position now, I would simply say something like 'yes it was a difficult time for all of us' each and everytime they bring it up and focus your attentions on your grandchildren instead. None of us can change the past but we can focus on now and the future and maybe that's where your time, energy and headspace is best spent x

I feel any deficits from when they were kids were more than made up for as they got older. But no,

I don't think you realise how important those formative years actually are. Ok great they had stability from university and beyond but they needed that stability a lot earlier.

Not having a go at you, we are all human, but it does sound like your children had pretty crappy childhoods.

I just wish I wasn’t constantly being reminded about it. It doesn’t help anyone I don’t think.

I agree. It does sound as though they're having trouble coming to terms with it though.

Have they tried counselling?

Yeah I think they should look for another outlet for their grievances, it's one thing to have an open discussion about it, but for it be used as a stick to beat you with is very unfair.

I say this as a 31 year old woman raised by alcoholic Grandparents because my Mum dropped me and my older brother on their doorstep, my Mum then swanned in and out of my life as and when she felt like it, often leaving without a word (usually when we were at school), she brought a lot of abusive boyfriends into our lives, took us away from our Grandparents at the age of 8 (DB) and 6 (Me) forced us to move away from the home and area we grew up in and then sent us back a few months later when she realised she couldn't handle us.

She then started a new family with a man and settled down. I reconnected with her when I fell pregnant with my twins (firstly for medical history purposes) after that we spoke about what happened, I heard her apologies and then I decided, I would forgive her, regardless of the trauma of my childhood (which included several school moves) she is and will always be my Mum, so I said I'd wipe the slate clean and we would start fresh. It took a lot of work to get to that decision but she has since been a fantastic Grandmother to my DC and I would NEVER use the life I want to give them as a form of attack on her. Your DC I'm sure have legitimate feelings that they need to express, but this is not a healthy way for them to deal with the situation [flower]

I have to say I agree with above - I recognise my mums struggles and applaud her for dealing with them the way she did! Your kids clearly haven’t known a tough situation themselves

I second the counselling suggestion. I think some family therapy would be really helpful here - to help your DC work through their issues and accept that you did your best. You can't just keep apologising or you'll end up feeling more and more resentful.

That was meant to be at the end there, sorry!