Now I feel total shit and rubbish as a parent AIBU?

[Toysintheattic29]

My kids are mature adults. Both have degrees, both have good jobs and both own their own flats in London (with the help of my husband and myself). My husband isn't their dad - I split with him when they were small. Spent a year homeless with them and then struggled to get us a roof over our heads. Made one or two mistakes along with way with bad choices of relationship. Little or no support from dad through this. We moved around a bit which involved the kids changing schools. However I felt if I gave them all my love and support and saw they had a good education they wouldn't do so badly. During those years I was hurting but I'm not sure they appreciate just how much,. They grew up to be careful with money, didn't smoke or drink heavily. I had rotten partners and one was abusive. I have fully accepted and acknowledged the folly of my ways as a younger woman and in many ways, now don't like who I was then. Later I married a lovely man and have been with him for almost 25 years. Together we were able to give the kids stability through Uni and beyond,. Now for the crunch. One had kids a short while ago and clearly since then has made comparisons between their childhood and what their own kids have. Sometime ago they made it clear to me they had a shit childhood and cross-examined me about why I had made the decisions I did. I took this on the chin and apologised for all my mistakes. However the 'rubbish childhood' issue persists and as if that isn't enough I was told recently what a crap education they had too; they missed out because they changed secondary schools. My kids didn't go without that much when they were growing up - I made sure I gave them what they wanted at Christmas and on birthdays. They had holidays both in the UK and abroad. They had pretty much all the outings they wanted and when I finally got a decent job I gave them as much as I could. I have treated them countless times to meals, clothes, treats, given them support when relationships broke down - including giving them a home and lending my car. I feel any deficits from when they were kids were more than made up for as they got older. But no, I still get digs about how how crap their lives were as kids and it seems never to go away. The 'lousy education' comment was the final straw. I wonder why they even want to spend time with me when I am clearly so awful. AIBU?

I don’t see how being homeless is op’s fault. Her children need to acknowledge that op wanted to give them the best life but didn’t have the means. Providing perfect stability isn’t always a choice.

To clarify, people who have been damaged by by their parents(s) choices are NOT ‘ungrateful/entitled/little shits’ etc. For fucks sake.
My mother made me homeless because of her shit choices. ‘Wanting the best’ for me would have actually occurred before I was subjected to shit genes, trauma, sexual and emotional abuse, permanently destroyed nervous system, etc. Never make victims justify themselves.

I think it's best to try and not get defensive here... try and not take their comments too personally. I know that's easier said than done but the thing is they were a child and they wont see what you sacrificed or how you were hirting or how hard it was for you... even as an adult what they will remember is what they went through emotionally so of course that is what they will focus on... and then it becomes a vicious circle because they have these feelings they want to express... they bring them up with you... it understandably hurts you so you become defensive... they feel like their experiences arent being acknowledged so they are more hurt and angry and dwell on it more...
At some point someone is going to have to take a step back... and even thought they are adults now you are still their parent with the greater experience so it is going to have to be you. Dont defend yourself just calmly acknowledge their feelings and apologise and then change the subject. It's not really about you because they will never really know what you went through, and really we dont have kids and expect them to fully understand what we go through do we? They are children so they will be in this intense emotional world of their own... and that is what they will remember as adults... so just just say that you are sorry and you loved them and you got it wrong sometimes but you tried your best. Dont go on the defensive and try and list all you've done for them or why they shouldnt be having these feelings still... that just stands to make it worse because it sounds like you arent acknowledging what they experienced.... and that's probably all they want really, to be listened to and validated.
It must have been very hard for you and it probably was for them too... it sounds like you have all come through it well and theres lots to be proud of and celebrate about that.... just take this on the chin and let your child talk about how they felt without interruption. Be the bigger person here. Otherwise this will go round and round and your relationship with them will suffer.

Well, op had a choice not to have a string of partners, and certainly had a duty not to expose them to an abusive one. Homelessness she couldn't help but maybe prioritising kids over men would have been good.

Don’t underestimate the impact of changing schools either.

I went to FOUR different secondary schools in the space of three years. It was hell. I was always the new kid. I never made any solid friends, and every time I got close with anyone, we would move again. My school work dropped with each move, I could never catch up and no one ever offered my any sort of help catching up. In the end it was way too hard and I dropped out of school altogether. I would sit in class and literally not have a clue what the teachers were on about.

I still have issues surrounding this and it still makes me so angry. My mother would probably write the same post - “oh I did my best!”. Her “best” saw me completely uneducated and struggling.

OP do they actually realise that they were loved and decisions were made in their interests?
Do they realise that you were lonely as a struggling single parent and that you did indeed made some wrong decisions which you deeply regret?
I think they're being quite cruel tbh. They must take a lot forgranted in life.
Ultimately they have done very well.
I hope they grow to respect you.

Well you've enabled him to make a life for himself in which he believes his children won't be exposed to the same things, so as a mother I guess what more can you want for them. Does he blame his father? Where was he when you were homeless? Where was your support when you had an abusive partner? It's not that easy just to leave, and although it's impossible to tell by your OP, guessing your relationships were spread over them growing up rather than having different men in the house every night. Maybe (some) men shouldn't be such arseholes rather than you never date or have a life after children. In retrospect it's always easier to notice abuse and the times you should have left. I'd acknowledge and he either accepts that you're human or doesn't which is hurtful but his right.

It sounds like you did the best that you could, and it's unfortunate he is being spiteful about it now. I genuinely hope he is in a position to raise his child without hardship, but perhaps along the way as the baby grows up he will realise some of the challenges of being a parent.

Your children did have a shit childhood. They suffered abuse and trauma.

And their developmental trauma doesn't magically disappear just because it makes you feel uncomfortable to face up to the reality of it.

Stop being so self centred.

I would have a conversation with them about it. I'm surprised they're so hard on you as it sounds like you managed through a difficult time. My childhood was similar to your children's in lots of ways, and while having DC of my own made me reflect on it again it also made me more appreciative of my mum and the sacrifices she made for us. Even when she made choices which ultimately had a negative impact on us, having DC made me realise how hard it must have been for her. If your DC is reflecting on their childhood now I'd tell them your side and a bit about your perspective.

Nice gifts/holidays etc is nothing when you feel unsettled/worried/scared as a child.
That said, what's done is done and nothing can change that now. Hopefully they've learnt from your mistakes and don't make the same ones you did for their kids

Are they questioning their father about the decisions he made and their impact on their childhood? I think if you've had a hard childhood you spend some time as you grow up feeling angry and blaming your parents, but ultimately you realise they are humans, imperfect and tried their best.

I have treated them countless times to meals, clothes, treats, given them support when relationships broke down - including giving them a home and lending my car. I feel any deficits from when they were kids were more than made up for as they got older

^ isn't this what a parent does for their child anyway. Nevermind the material things but to give them support. That's exactly what you should have done their whole lives.
They need some councilling. And their mother to acknowledge how they feel about their shitty childhood. Sorry

They didn't have an emotionally secure childhood. This will have a huge impact on their emotional wellbeing.
They weren't your main concern when moving and entering different relationships.
Its not as simple as I've messed up let's move on.
We all have different resilience. The situation you put them through will have less or greater effect on others.
They could have done with counselling when younger. They would still benefit from it now.
Material items does not compensate.

One had kids a short while ago and clearly since then has made comparisons between their childhood and what their own kids have

New parents can be very obsessive and unrealistic about what a childhood should look like. This phase won't last!

You did your best with what life threw at you. Actually, having a childhood that wasn't all plain-sailing has probably helped make your children become functioning adults. Within reason, a bit of adversity doesn't do any harm and can help build resilience and life skills.

A mark of maturity is to be able to look back at the past and acknowledge that your parent(s) were not perfect

I think this is key. Maturing is a process that take experience and time. My relationship with my parents has been rocky at points as I proceed my childhood but I'm out the other side and can totally appreciate all they did your me.

Life is far from perfect. When I first became a parent, my mother said 'now you'll understand' but I didn't at all. If anything I understood less. But as my DC's have gotten older, I get it.

Be kind, be mature and talk to them, with time they'll get it and you'll have taught them how to deal sensitively when their DC's do the same!

@RolytheRhino clearly I meant hardship of their own! As an adult... as it puts things into perspective and gives you empathy for other people and what they went through. No need to be a smart ass!

I had a difficult childhood, partly for the same reasons you've said. I have spent a decade very angry at my mum for the things she put us through - abusive relationships and other choices she made - and although I never brought it up with her, it has affected our relationship for a long time. She had an idyllic childhood with financial and emotional stability and while she suffered too when we were young, she was an adult - we were kids. A few years ago, she asked me if I was angry and I was honest with her - and she was heartbroken. I'm now in therapy for something unrelated and it turns out my therapist thinks a lot of my issues (needing control, anxiety etc) are a result of the experiences I had as a child.

You're not a terrible person, but your children will have had a very different experience of those years than you realise. If they're angry now it's because they are realising the extent of what it means to them and their lives and how they form attachments, and unfortunately you have to take it on the chin a bit. I would urge them to get counselling, and you too. It's made a big difference in my family.

My DM always loved me but my childhood was a train wreck of chaos, neglect, borderline abuse unacknowledged, moving house (over ten schools), poverty, seven parental BF’s, two of whom were definitely dodgy, parental drinking and smoking, mum out of the house with two jobs and a virtually complete lack of interest in what I did.

Luckily for me I liked school and did not too badly so have ended up, looking from the outside, almost normal.

What I have never done is berate my DM. She was under pressure herself.

OP, your children are ungrateful and entitled. Tell them to stop upsetting you.

Disgusting teacher22 , victims of trauma are not ‘ungrateful’ and the person who caused it does not get to say ‘stop upsetting me’, are you for real?!

You sound like my mum, who didn’t like to be reminded of how her children felt about their upbringing.

It’s hard having a crap childhood and having a defensive parent or one who thinks that discussing it a few times is enough. It really isn’t.

Having kids made me question even more the decisions my mum made and I find myself repeating her mistakes and I’m appalled. I’m already sorry for my dcs.

I have these issues with my mother and one problem I have with it is that she can be so defensive about it. I do understand why but she also will find a small way to become a victim of herself, and I think there is always the burden on me to feel sorry for her for that

I have actually made a fuck up of some things myself and now have teenagers, but I have a completely different relationship with my DC than I did with my own mum. I was very young and made some bad decisions. I still feel like DM uses excuses. I see you don’t use excuses as much!

Problem is you can’t get the childhood back and this is obviously really painful for your child right now
One way it can be painful is to see your DM trying to be some Wonder Grandma and it eats at you that she is getting a do over with your child (so you feel resentful) and you didn’t have access to that yourself as a child, so why should they get a 2nd chance at it?
So complicated
I advocate counselling but also just loving and supporting your DC

I felt a bit like this until I had my own kids. Then I realised how hard it actually is to be a parent let alone a good parent. They might mellow. But things are different now in the way people parent.

I do still feel a little resentment that my parents are both highly intelligent and they did absolutely nothing to help us or guide us with our schooling. They sent us to a pretty bad comp. They had the school will do it attitude, wouldn't get involved. I'm sure this is because they probably taught themselves ( but both ended up with full scholarships to top private secondary schools despite being working class.) I'm sure moving schools affected your children Op, it's unsettling. I do think in some ways you do have to take responsibility for yourself. I did realise this in the third year ( year 9) and raised my game to move up to higher sets so I could at least try for the exam papers to get GCSE A-C, but I still have the chip on my shoulder I suppose. Tricky, but you can't change the past.

What would the OP taking responsibility change?

@Teacher22, It is your choice and probably the result of your childhood programming that you haven't raised the issues with your mum. Never blame anyone for raising their abusive childhood. It is often necessary to heal.

I have DC and if I subjected them to an abuse they would be robust about it. I see that as a good thing!

Op, I think your children need to come to terms with who you were during that time and importantly what clicked within you to start to do better.

They are only now looking through the lens of their childhood and perhaps think you were selfish. Help them understand why you acted as you did. This might be painful for you but it will also free you.