Now I feel total shit and rubbish as a parent AIBU?

[Toysintheattic29]

My kids are mature adults. Both have degrees, both have good jobs and both own their own flats in London (with the help of my husband and myself). My husband isn't their dad - I split with him when they were small. Spent a year homeless with them and then struggled to get us a roof over our heads. Made one or two mistakes along with way with bad choices of relationship. Little or no support from dad through this. We moved around a bit which involved the kids changing schools. However I felt if I gave them all my love and support and saw they had a good education they wouldn't do so badly. During those years I was hurting but I'm not sure they appreciate just how much,. They grew up to be careful with money, didn't smoke or drink heavily. I had rotten partners and one was abusive. I have fully accepted and acknowledged the folly of my ways as a younger woman and in many ways, now don't like who I was then. Later I married a lovely man and have been with him for almost 25 years. Together we were able to give the kids stability through Uni and beyond,. Now for the crunch. One had kids a short while ago and clearly since then has made comparisons between their childhood and what their own kids have. Sometime ago they made it clear to me they had a shit childhood and cross-examined me about why I had made the decisions I did. I took this on the chin and apologised for all my mistakes. However the 'rubbish childhood' issue persists and as if that isn't enough I was told recently what a crap education they had too; they missed out because they changed secondary schools. My kids didn't go without that much when they were growing up - I made sure I gave them what they wanted at Christmas and on birthdays. They had holidays both in the UK and abroad. They had pretty much all the outings they wanted and when I finally got a decent job I gave them as much as I could. I have treated them countless times to meals, clothes, treats, given them support when relationships broke down - including giving them a home and lending my car. I feel any deficits from when they were kids were more than made up for as they got older. But no, I still get digs about how how crap their lives were as kids and it seems never to go away. The 'lousy education' comment was the final straw. I wonder why they even want to spend time with me when I am clearly so awful. AIBU?

you sound like an amazing mum, by the way.

Sounds like you did an amazing job under difficult circumstances OP.

It's amazing how you're getting the blame and not their sperm donor dad!

Sounds like he could be looking for a scapegoat... Maybe he isn't in the best place in work or in his relationship...

I bet your son will live to regret what he said to you.

I think you're brilliant

They will carry those scars forever

They really don't have to though. It might not be possible to ever forget what happened, but it is certainly possible to seek help and to put them into context and move on without it affecting your whole life.

You dont like who you were then but that was their mother for their early formative years and you cannot underestimate that. The deficits dont just disappear and certainly dont get papered over by giving them stuff

Then the move during secondary school - presumably that was a decision that you made to suit you

You cannot equate giving them things with making sacrifices for thm

oh christ🙄 yes, their childhood was absolutely tragic, imagine have to change secondary schools!!!!! god knows how they cope with it all.

The OP said that they were homeless, changed schools (not specifying how often) and had several strange and sometimes abusive men brought into their lives. I'd say that's as scary and crappy as you can get as a young child.

Well done OP for finally getting your shit together later on but I don't think anything can make up for those years.

Your DC may have buried all those memories over the years but they have risen to the surface now that they are parents themselves. Same happened to my DM. When I had my DC she started to remember how abandoned she felt by her own DM when she had me.

You can't turn back time though. You've done your best to be a good mother once you settled down with your DH. You may have to suck up your DC's comments while they come to terms with what happened to them but hopefully they'll come through it in the end.

@rosesmammy have you actually read the OP their childhood was pretty awful

OP having children is a normal time for people to realise how disordered and chaotic their childhood was. How their mother put men ahead of them (was your husband the reason they moved) and currently they cannot comprehend how a mother could not put them first. You need to accept this and see if you can find a way forward without making it all about you and suggest family therapy

It does sound as though at times you prioritised men over the children when it would have been better to just focus on the children. I think all you can do is talk to them about your situation and why you made the choices you did. As you say they had stability later and have clearly grown into sensible adults so you can take credit for that.

Op, perhaps you first need to be able to come to terms with your actions during that time. Can you articulate why you did what you did? Fear of being alone etc.

How many times did they move schools because it can be important and although there is nothing you can do but you can offer apologies and say how tough it was for them.

The anger they feel now is probadly the anger that they repressed in their childhood.

If you can look back at your actions and fully understand your motivations you maybe able to talk to them with empathy.
Feeling irritated because they haven't let go will be felt by them.

I think your post is brave and may help others who are perhaps in similar positions now.

We get stuff wrong.
We accept the blame.
It's still wrong for them, it hasn't gone away.
Keep sucking it up, OP, it's all we can do. Anything else is a bit 'entitled'. We weren't entitled to get it wrong, it was their one shot at a life. Suck it up and try to do better. That's what we do.

Having children put into perspective parenthood... i now have little contact with my mum.

The difference is, mine never apologised and denies not giving me a good education (it was the sticking point for me too). I think you are a great mum and they should realise that (maybe in time)

My mum and dad had a messy split when I was 15, I had a shitty time from them till 18 and my mum had an abusive partner and I have PTSD from that. She chose to bring him into our home, she might have been the victim but knew what she was like when she moved him in. Our relationship now is good but I'll never forget and I am resentful towards my parents for how they were back then. They seem to really want to make up for it now that I have children but I find it hard to forgive putting themselves first so selfishly for 3 years.
Maybe I'm entitled like the others above have said but it doesn't change the way I feel.

I presume your child who now has a child hasn’t had the same experiences as you had trying to bring them up? Have they ever been homeless with kids? Do they have any idea of how it could have all turned out if you didn’t give a fuck about them? Yes, i’m Sure you made mistakes. I’m sure there are thing you wish you did differently / not at all, but the same could be said for any parent. By the sound of it you did the best you could at the time. As a result they have had a good education and seem to be fully functional adults. They should be very grateful and you should be very proud.

I think they have some bitter resentment which is being wrongly aimed at you. I wonder, if you gave them the same scenario now, that you faced when you were homeless, how would they feel! They’re kicking you when you’re down, but I think they have their reasons to feel, as I say, resentful.

Homeless for a year, bad relationships and moving from school to school - bad formative experiences such as these are not cured by nice Christmas presents and holidays. They really aren't

"I feel any deficits from when they were kids were more than made up for as they got older."

TBH the stuff you mention when you are older sounds like basic good parenting: to say it "more than makes up" for exposing them to abuse as young children is totally unreasonable.

Yes they need to work through it, and no they can't always be beating you up about it. But I'm not surprised they are still affected, and not surprised the attitude evinced above has gone down badly.

"My kids didn't go without that much when they were growing up - I made sure I gave them what they wanted at Christmas and on birthdays. They had holidays both in the UK and abroad. They had pretty much all the outings they wanted and when I finally got a decent job I gave them as much as I could. I have treated them countless times to meals, clothes, treats"

None of this makes up for a shit childhood and a parent who made shitty decisions.

You have to accept you were not great, but tried your best some of the time.

They'll understand shit happens and life isn't perfect as their own kids get older.

In the first line of your post you describe your DC as “mature adults” .
That I think is the issue here . A mark of maturity is to be able to look back at the past and acknowledge that your parent(s) were not perfect . In your case you stuck things out, cared for them , and did your best . You have nothing to berate yourself for . From what you describe they have made successes of their lives. One day - hopefully very soon , they will stop complaining and finally grow up and consider themselves lucky to have you as their Mum . So glad second time around you are happy .

My mum’s answer to everything - “you always had nice stuff!”. Obviously all the abuse and dysfunction is swept under the carpet because we had good Christmas presents and went to Spain.

Doesn’t really work like that OP. I know you’ve acknowledged it wasn’t great, but just because you’ve processed it and come to terms with it, doesn’t mean that they have. You’ve forgiven yourself and that’s great, nobody wants you to feel miserable about the past, but to deny them their own thoughts and feelings about it seems very unfair.

My sister has had almost the same scenario as you described in your first post. We are now NC because she wouldn’t put her children first, and has ruined their childhoods by maintaining abusive relationships. They’ve moved repeatedly and it has ruined their friendships and relationships. They’ve all got mental health issues, including self-harm and behavioural problems. Until you see the product of a string of abusive relationships and instability first hand, or experience it first hand, you can’t just write it off as nothing to complain about.

It sounds like you feel that helping them out financially will in some way make up for the bad things in their childhood. That's probably coming from your guilt about it. My parents have similar guilt about things that happened in my childhood, and have done the very same thing you are with money. The thing is, money now can't make up for what they lost. At the same time, you can't change the past. I would suggest you all get some therapy individually. The kids need to work through their anger and loss about their childhood, and you need to help them with this as well as dealing with your own guilt. In all kindness though, you sound a bit defensive and self- pitying in the OP. Maybe you don't mean it that way, it may seem to your kids that you are dismissing their very valid feelings about their lost childhoods because things are different now and you feel you have made it up to them. I know it is a difficult situation for all of you, and I wish you the best in moving forward towards healing.

One thing that might be important is an apology with no conditions or mitigation attached. Just 'I'm really sorry that ... happened and I understand how hard that has been on you'.

My parents gave me this apology when I was in my late twenties, and I have given this apology to my teenage daughter. I did my best. My parents did their best. But we still hurt our children no matter how unintentionally, and sometimes all we can do is very genuinely apologise.

I have a much better relationship with both my own parents and my daughter and I'm sure the apology is a big part of it.

Doesn’t really work like that OP. I know you’ve acknowledged it wasn’t great, but just because you’ve processed it and come to terms with it, doesn’t mean that they have. You’ve forgiven yourself and that’s great, nobody wants you to feel miserable about the past, but to deny them their own thoughts and feelings about it seems very unfair.

And this too. There are some really wise words on this thread.

As you acknowledge that you did not give your children a stable childhood it stands to reason that they may have found that time difficult. I appreciate that that might hurt and be difficult to sit with.

However the bottom line is that you strove for improvement and managed to provide a less chaotic environment for them later on. It could be that your children really appreciate this.

What you have said indicates that you have a reasonably good relationship with them and the fact that they can share their true feelings about their childhood with you is no bad thing.

I had rotten partners and one was abusive. I have fully accepted and acknowledged the folly of my ways as a younger woman and in many ways, now don't like who I was then.

None of us has any idea how this general statement translates into your kids' experience at the time.

I had to change secondary schools because my parents ran out of money. It was hard. I made the best of it and did well anyway and didn't complain and I am sure my parents would be astonished if they had known how hard it was. Your post is all about you and how you've changed and how you think you have compensated for the bad times that you're not describing in any detail, but when you say: homeless, dodgy partners, moved around a lot and don't like who you were then... are you really surprised that she doesn't want that childhood for her kids?

My mother should never have had a kid, she failed at it has damaged me for life. She is a narcissist and emotionally abusive, but also chose to continue with her pregnancy knowing I would be forced to live with a violent paedo and then her series of lovers over the years. Her damaged dna as passed to me, along with being flooded with adrenaline and cortisol and terror in the womb and thoughout my development which obviously effected my brain and nervous system for life. Her hysterics, martyring, manipulation, making me feel unsafe, making me feel like I had to protect her, has destroyed me. She’d witter on about ‘but I did my best!!!’ as these types do, but really, her ‘best’ just wasn’t good enough. She should have got a stuffed toy instead of forcing me into existence, she is a burden, I will never have a kid, the pain ends here. I don’t bother with her now, she is reaping what she sowed, People who choose to be a parent need to be aware that the person they choose to have a kid with is such a monumental decision that will impact their offspring in every way, and that no one owes them anything, including their kid. Children do not owe you anything and are not responsible in any way for your feelings, or care. I have no advice for you, OP, but I can understand your kids feelings 😔

You did the best you could, you’ve acknowledged where possibly you could’ve made smarter choices at the time, and you’ve striven to make right any wrongs. Your kids need to dust themselves off and get moving.

My DM cheated on DF, first stepfather was a career criminal, the second a rapist and child molester who tried to touch myself and one sister, and she stole her daughters identities, setting up credit cards and bouncing cheques, ripping us off thousands. Her mother guilted us into not pressing charges. Oh, and I went to 9 different schools. Yet DM bleats about how unfair life is to one child (of 5) that still speaks to her... put myself through uni, and put down my own deposit. So your kids are ungrateful little sods.