Now I feel total shit and rubbish as a parent AIBU?

[Toysintheattic29]

My kids are mature adults. Both have degrees, both have good jobs and both own their own flats in London (with the help of my husband and myself). My husband isn't their dad - I split with him when they were small. Spent a year homeless with them and then struggled to get us a roof over our heads. Made one or two mistakes along with way with bad choices of relationship. Little or no support from dad through this. We moved around a bit which involved the kids changing schools. However I felt if I gave them all my love and support and saw they had a good education they wouldn't do so badly. During those years I was hurting but I'm not sure they appreciate just how much,. They grew up to be careful with money, didn't smoke or drink heavily. I had rotten partners and one was abusive. I have fully accepted and acknowledged the folly of my ways as a younger woman and in many ways, now don't like who I was then. Later I married a lovely man and have been with him for almost 25 years. Together we were able to give the kids stability through Uni and beyond,. Now for the crunch. One had kids a short while ago and clearly since then has made comparisons between their childhood and what their own kids have. Sometime ago they made it clear to me they had a shit childhood and cross-examined me about why I had made the decisions I did. I took this on the chin and apologised for all my mistakes. However the 'rubbish childhood' issue persists and as if that isn't enough I was told recently what a crap education they had too; they missed out because they changed secondary schools. My kids didn't go without that much when they were growing up - I made sure I gave them what they wanted at Christmas and on birthdays. They had holidays both in the UK and abroad. They had pretty much all the outings they wanted and when I finally got a decent job I gave them as much as I could. I have treated them countless times to meals, clothes, treats, given them support when relationships broke down - including giving them a home and lending my car. I feel any deficits from when they were kids were more than made up for as they got older. But no, I still get digs about how how crap their lives were as kids and it seems never to go away. The 'lousy education' comment was the final straw. I wonder why they even want to spend time with me when I am clearly so awful. AIBU?

Your kids clearly haven’t known a tough situation themselves

Well, actually, they have, if the opening post is anything to go by.

I think they’re entitled to feel bad about their childhood, really. I think therapy might be a good idea - so they and you can really thrash out your sides of the story and move forward free of resentment.

Your kids sound like entitled, spoiled, self interested assholes.

seriously? How stupid is that comment.

It's easy to forget how a young child feel and understand things a lot differently than an adult. The kids have been homeless, saw their mother with an abusive partner and some idiotic poster still like to insult them? Clearly someone who had a privileged and entitled childhood and doesn't have a clue.

OP, you've made mistakes, but frankly what parent hasn't. You recognise them, and you did your absolute best to make up for them. You can't change the past.
Your kids are focusing on the wrong thing, changing school has never caused anyone to fail, that's simply not true. They do need to move on too

My kid, a successful and happy academic who had a very stable childhood has said I made them drink too much water when they were growing up. WTF - I did not give them fizzy drinks. Sometimes a poor old mum cannot win.

So basically you are of the opinion they have no right to complain and call you out on it?

Nice.

I think In Your position now, I would simply say something like 'yes it was a difficult time for all of us'

I'm assuming you have a good childhood, because anyone with an unstable one would never have wrote this. Children have no control. They are not all in it together. The parent is responsible. End of. If it was a difficult time, then the parents are responsible.

I must admit I'm surprised by the comments and think they'd be very different if the daughter/s was the OP

No they wouldn't be different.

I’m wondering what they would like to see happening now
They have found their childhood an issue. They told you but nothing can be changed. So why do they feel the need to remind you of that regularly? The reason that comes to my mind is that there is still something that hasnt been solved for them. So maybe trying to find out what it is would help?
Another possibility is that they have learnt ways of being from who was in their life as a child and what they’ve learnt is abusive behaviour....

Hi op I'm on the other side of this situation. When I had children it really did bring to the surface what had been lacking in my childhood, especially emotionally. And I'm afraid I probably did complain to my parents about it because to begin with they seemed to think they way we were brought up was the only way and didn't agree with a lot of the things I do with dd. But as my children have grown older we have both been able to empathise more with each other and they have realised that there are other ways to parent. I have also realised that their way was what they thought best at the time and we can't change what happened. So I hope your children will realise this too.

Im pretty surprised by all the posters who think throwing money at an older child/young adult makes up for pretty significant emotional neglect/turmoil in their younger years.

Rubbish NRP dads often throw money around at uni-aged children and MN is pretty good at spotting how useless that actually is.

It’s very nice to help with a flat deposit but it’s nowhere near as important as protecting your children from abusive men and giving them a stable home life.

I don’t say that to pile on. I’m so glad you’re doing better now. I just think your children may take a lot longer to get over it than you have. In fact they may never fully get over it. Some childhood stuff follows people around forever.

I must admit I'm surprised by the comments and think they'd be very different if the daughter/s was the OP

Me too.

The OP hasn’t elaborated on the “one or two bad choices of relationship” and that’s fine. But it is only her side of the story and she may be reluctant to elaborate on the worst stuff that happened. For all we know, her children may have witnessed physical/mental abuse or been subject to physical/mental abuse themselves. How long this went on for, we also don’t know.

So I don’t think it’s very fair to be so scathing towards the adult child here.

Hi OP

I can see both sides. Obviously the behaviour of abusive and shitty partners isn't your fault, however if there were a few, this could have affected them very deeply. They might be reminding you of it constantly because it affects them constantly. If they didn't see good relationships between adults when they were growing up, I guess this can manifest itself in lots of ways in current relationships. Not necessarily your fault, but not theirs either if it still affects them. And having a child does make you reflect on your own childhood a lot more. I dont think saying it's in the past and theres no point going over it, will help. I'd just offer to talk it through and ask what support they need for you. Family therapy perhaps?

I think you are completely minimising the affect your choices and your relationships had on them. Mumsnet is full of adults who have shit relationships with their parents because of their upbringing.

Coming from a childhood that makes the (OP's) DD's positively idyllic I feel very strongly that, as an adult, she needs to accept OP's explanation and apology or get therapy in order to move on with her life.

Too many people blame their parents for the way they are now. I totally agree that things can have a long lasting reach on your life but there comes a point when you have to take responsibility for your own welfare. OP has apologised and explained. Nothing can be changed now. Nothing can be gained from going over and over the same details in order to apportion blame.

OP I would suggest to her that maybe she needs someone independent to help her move on and, if she wishes, offer to go to some family therapy with her. But also, you need to say to her that having apologised, explained, and acknowledged her hurt you cannot keep going over and over it with her.

If it helps when I had my kids it brought to the surface some difficult memories and sadness about my own childhood. I know my parents did their best but they both struggled with different things and we were impacted.
They both want to be involved (they are not together) in my life now which is great. It was sometimes difficult early on as having my own kid made me remember some of the tough and scary times when I was a kid and I couldn’t help expressing that in some part to my mum.
I guess that I’m really grateful that they are around and supportive now I’m an adult and I’ve been able to build a new relationship with them based on them helping me in being grandparents to my kid. So I guess because they didn’t take too much offence or try to defend themselves to me as such we have all been able to move on and enjoy a good relationship.
It’s lovely to have supportive parents when you become a parent and I hope you are all able to build a good relationship with each other from now on.

To be honest, if you exposed them to abuse during their childhood then money etc. later on can't and won't make up for that. They will carry those scars forever.

You say you made mistakes - did you move abusive partners into their home? That's a huge thing, and it's not surprising they're struggling, even as adults, despite it being uncomfortable for you.

I have treated them countless times to meals, clothes, treats, given them support when relationships broke down - including giving them a home and lending my car. I feel any deficits from when they were kids were more than made up for as they got older

^ this in particular stands out from your post - that you feel that giving them material things as adults somehow makes up for shit formative years. It doesn't, you can't buy your way out of your actions. Have you ever fully acknowledged the effect your choices had on them and apologised?

It's hard on parents when their children bring up difficulties and issues with their childhood but that doesn't mean they are wrong for talking about it.

For the people calling the OP's children spoilt and entitled, it sounds like you have zero idea about the impact of things like domestic abuse and relationship breakdown.

In your situation I would keep communication open, be honest and talk if they want to and encourage them to seek counselling or therapy if they feel they have stuff that needs to be worked through.

You're not the person to do that with them.

One thing that might be important is an apology with no conditions or mitigation attached. Just 'I'm really sorry that ... happened and I understand how hard that has been on you'.

Actually, talking to them about it will help them, and possibly you too - because chances are that, at the time, you made what you thought was the best decision for you all with the information that you had at the time. It might not have been the best decision when it played out, but going in you didn't know that, and it sounds like your children need to realise and understand that. I'd actually suggest joint counselling or mediation so that you can talk through it all with a third party who can ensure everyone is heard and that you're not just subjected to accusations. It's possible that you and your children will end up with a stronger relationship for it.

I feel any deficits from when they were kids were more than made up for as they got older. But no

I'm afraid it really doesn't work like that OP. Childhood trauma runs incredibly deep and can impact a person's personality, self-esteem and mental health for a lifetime regardless of how "good" their life turns out.

When my sister had her first child she did something similar, questioned my mum about our childhood and distanced herself from our father. I thought she was being completely unreasonable at that time, I even ended up in a big argument with her about her "behaviour".

Then I had my own children and I was chastened... it really does bring up old wounds. I've since apologized to my sister - she was right all along. Our childhood WAS shitty but I had minimised it and was in a state of denial. I've since gone NC with our father.

As you have apologised to your DD there's not a lot more you can do though. I don't think it's fair to keep using it as a stick to beat you with but perhaps this will stop soon as the intensity of her feelings fade as her child gets older. Otherwise the only thing I can think of to suggest is what others have said - family therapy.

If she starts complaining to you again, if you have the money I would say to her that you're sorry for how her childhood was, you can't change it but if she wants help to deal with her anger you would be willing to fund some family counseling to help get your relationship back on track. She can't really argue with that as it's literally the only thing you can do at this stage and it will show her that you really do care about her feelings.

Good luck OP

When I had my daughter I realised how badly my mum failed us in a lot of ways.

She had boyfriends come and go, we never felt secure in our own home. She put her relationships first a lot of the time and never spend quality time with us. She’s basically taught me how not to parent. BUT, my Dad left her with 3 kids when I was 6 and she worked several jobs. She had a hard time.

I have never confronted her about my childhood and I won’t because although she’s made mistakes she’s still my Mum. She can still be a good Grandmother to my daughter - I don’t want to hurt her feelings and I don’t think it will achieve anything.

They need to let it go and move on. It won’t be easy for them to do that but they will feel better for it. It’s okay to stand up for yourself, you have apologised and there’s nothing more you can do.

It is unfair of your son/daughter to constantly make digs at you, and you sound like a lovely mum, BUT this could be written by my MIL. My husband and his sister witnessed their mum struggle for years. They were homeless, their father was an absent alcoholic, their mum, although lovely was desperate for love and had several relationships what ended poorly, my husband once say a boyfriend physically abuse her. He lost count of the amount of times he saw her crying. She moved them schools four tones, once across the country. He was 12 at this point and got bullied for having a cockney accent in a Yorkshire school. She always ensured they had the best shoes, plenty of presents, Easter eggs, toys etc but he struggled growing up and suffers anxiety now, despite having a degree, a masters and an excellent career.

My DH respects his mum, and is grateful for what she did BUT he didn’t have a happy childhood, it was hard, and upsetting and stressful, and something that he doesn’t want to repeat for our own children. He would never tell his mum this though.

My point is, although you provided and tried to give them everything, sometimes things which seem fleeting can have a profound effect on a child, particularly in the earlier years.

oh christ🙄 yes, their childhood was absolutely tragic, imagine have to change secondary schools!!!!! god knows how they cope with it all.

no one has a perfect childhood, obviously they didn’t have the best start to life but plenty of people are worse off than them and they don’t sit crying about it. your kids sound like twats.