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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend disciplined my child

124 replies

WheredidIgowrongkid · 09/10/2019 14:06

Hello! I've come across a rather difficult situation. Yesterday a friend confronted me about my son's behaviour claiming that he was essentially beating up her son. They're both 7 and in the same class. There has been a lot of disruption in the classroom and my son has struggled to cope with it and his mental health has taken a fair hit. During the discussion with the other boys mum she said that she and her partner had decided on a '3 strike and he's out' rule re my sons behaviour and he's had 2 strikes already. She never mentioned anything about his behaviour to me despite walking to school together and going to baby groups together. Aibu to be furious that she disciplined my child instead of talking to me about it and letting it all escalate to this level? She's prepared to put an end to their friendship if anything else happens.
To be clear my son has only retaliated when hers has pushed him beyond his limit and she says that she's 'made exceptions' because she knows he's having a hard time with school so I dread to think what would have been said if he was settled at school.

OP posts:
Grumpyperson · 09/10/2019 15:06

The last time was on Sunday when the other boy punched him in the neck and my son kicked him to get him to stop

In that case they are both equally to blame.

And I agree with this: It sounds like her boy winds yours up until your boy lashes out. He is doing this deliberate ly because he knows he will hit the jackpot every tome.if left unchecked other boys will do this too. You need to teach your ds strategies of how to manage this situation. The most obvious being putting distance between them

Otherwise it will happen again and again with different kids, and into secondary school. For some reason, they like winding people up so they get riled and then they're the ones that get into trouble. My ds fell foul of this too, until the headteacher clocked what was going on, and the culprits ended up in detention themselves, whereupon it stopped. DS was lucky the headteacher was switched on, it's not the case in many schools.

HumptyDumptyHadAGreatFall · 09/10/2019 15:09

Maybe you should apologise for not parenting your child so she had too....

NearlyGranny · 09/10/2019 15:09

Well that went nuclear pretty quickly! From two little boys scrapping to a future violent abuser...

Both lads are very young and my experience is that children that age (I've known far more than my share!) generally roll around like a litter of puppies. They need to learn that kicking, punching, blocking (like standing on the zip to prevent OP's son getting off his own trampoline) are not on. If they can't play nicely they can't play at all.

An adult, though, especially one working in a school in whatever capacity, who threatens a child is a different matter. And saying "There will be trouble!" is NOT the same as saying he won't be welcome to play with his friend nor is it 'stating facts'.

A 7yo does not understand the limits of any particular adult's powers and it's no wonder he was inconsolable. It sounds thoroughly frightening and not something another adult would expect or accept.

I don't get why that seems perfectly OK to so many PPs and I suspect it wouldn't be if they or their children were spoken to in that way by someone who wields authority. She's not just a neighbour, she works in the school OP's child attends.

Ambidexte · 09/10/2019 15:09

It sounds like you are focusing on this issue because you don't want to focus on the much bigger and more important issue, which is that your son is hitting people.

In the short term I think you should be stopping him playing unsupervised with people he hits.

In the longer term I think you need to teach him that it's not OK to hit people even if they wind you up.

Your son has a problem which you need to be addressing.

LolaSmiles · 09/10/2019 15:11

Ambidexte
I agree. The bigger issue is a child hits and lashes out and his parents say "but it's not his fault".

lisamac28 · 09/10/2019 15:12

I've 'disciplined' my DD8 friend when she's been in my house. By disciplined I mean talked to her about something that's not acceptable behaviour. I'd be happy for her friends mother to speak to my DD too if she thought she was out of order. I absolutely would not accept hitting each other though, that needs sorting out fast.

ZimmaZummaZoop · 09/10/2019 15:13

Dont let them play together for a while OP

We had this issue with our next door neighbour and our DC. Her child was 7 and ours is 5. Her child had many many chances to stop hitting our child and its esculated to the point where i have gone absolutely mad at the mum and child.

Ive also gone to school about it and asked them to keep the 7 year old away from my 5 year old. As it happens the 7 year old is like this with other children at school so teachers were not shocked to find out what had happened.

Id keep them apart for a while and speak to your son because it sounds like this mum has had enough

I live next door to the woman and child and we have not spoken for 3 months because of this. I will not be speaking to her again and i dont care how uncomfortable she feels, more fool her

IceCreamConewithaflake · 09/10/2019 15:17

I would hope my friends would discipline my child if he did something wrong when round their house. I would also discipline other peoples children if they were in my care and they were particularly badly behaved. I would probably be more lenient with other people's children than I would be with mine though.
The whole "but they started it" is an ages old children's excuse and isn't always true BTW OP.

AryaStarkWolf · 09/10/2019 15:21

If your kid is hurting hers she has every right to say something to him.

Original poster
WheredidIgowrongkid · 09/10/2019 15:21

Thanks for the comments on this tricky issue. I've just spoken to the other mum at the school pick up and she apologised for not just telling me about it when it first happened and I apologised for it escalating to this stage. We've agreed to try to limit how much time they spend together out of school so they aren't getting bored with each other. With a clean slate she has said that if any issues arise she'll come to me straight away and I will do the same thing in return. We'll continue to work with our boy on his anger management and hopefully this will be the last of it.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 09/10/2019 15:26

Well done.

Interestedwoman · 09/10/2019 15:27

Glad you've mostly sorted it out.

She didn't discipline your son as she didn't say anything to him as far as I know, she just decided how to handle the issue when it came to her hom and son.

I agree that she should've mentioned it to you earlier though, and am glad if things are being given another go. xxx

TheQueef · 09/10/2019 15:31

Well handled.

PhilCornwall1 · 09/10/2019 15:40

She's told him that if he ever puts a hand on her child ever again there will be trouble.

And he's inconsolable because of that? If I witnessed another child hitting my youngest, I'd say the same.

She didn't discipline him, she stated a fact.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 09/10/2019 15:42

An excellent outcome - glad you got it sorted, @WheredidIgowrongkid.

SpiderCharlotte · 09/10/2019 15:42

I agree. The bigger issue is a child hits and lashes out and his parents say "but it's not his fault".

Also agree.

However, it sounds like you are aware that there is an issue and are going to try to deal with it so well done for that. I also agree that you and the other mum are right to limit the time they spend together.

NKFell · 09/10/2019 15:55

You're ignoring the people who are saying she hasn't done anything wrong and replying to those you feel are on your 'side. YABU!

She hasn't disciplined, shes behaved like an adult.

NKFell · 09/10/2019 15:57

@WheredidIgowrongkid Sorry, I just saw your update so let me change to YWBU but now you're not Grin Good luck!

LolaSmiles · 09/10/2019 15:58

NKFell
That's typical on here though.
It's also probably how we get a small number of teenagers who lash out and hit and we get told that the member of staff was to blame / the other students were to blame / the victim was to blame because it's never their fault. Interestingly, it's almost always mothers of boys who take the "not their fault" line. It's anecdotal but the thread has made me reflect a little.

NearlyGranny · 09/10/2019 16:01

Glad the adults have sorted this amicably - well done!

diddl · 09/10/2019 16:03

"We've agreed to try to limit how much time they spend together out of school "

Why try to limit?

You're the adults.

Set limits & stick to them!

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 09/10/2019 16:05

Nicely resolved!

Both boys sound like they might benefit from and enjoy learning a martial art like Karate or aikido. A good MA teacher will be teaching children very strongly about boundaries, appropriate use of skills, patience and non-violence and respect too. I only know Aikido well but certainly that form would teach him non-violent ways to stop an attack like being punched in the neck.

Dandelion1993 · 09/10/2019 16:09

Maybe you should sort your child's behaviour the.

TeeBee · 09/10/2019 16:17

Oh, if my child was acting up while I wasn't around, I would expect another adult to step in and put him back on the correct path, just as I would if my kid's friends were acting up. I wouldn't ever leave my children in the care of people who didn't feel comfortable doing this or who I didn't trust to tackle it in a fair and leveled manner. Kids need to learn that crappy behaviour doesn't pay off for them. And if that means they don't get to see their friend until they learn to act appropriately, then so be it.

AlexaAmbidextra · 09/10/2019 16:33

Say the magic words 'safe-guarding issue' and ask for it to be put on record.

Oh don’t be ridiculous. What a drama queen.

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