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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend disciplined my child

124 replies

WheredidIgowrongkid · 09/10/2019 14:06

Hello! I've come across a rather difficult situation. Yesterday a friend confronted me about my son's behaviour claiming that he was essentially beating up her son. They're both 7 and in the same class. There has been a lot of disruption in the classroom and my son has struggled to cope with it and his mental health has taken a fair hit. During the discussion with the other boys mum she said that she and her partner had decided on a '3 strike and he's out' rule re my sons behaviour and he's had 2 strikes already. She never mentioned anything about his behaviour to me despite walking to school together and going to baby groups together. Aibu to be furious that she disciplined my child instead of talking to me about it and letting it all escalate to this level? She's prepared to put an end to their friendship if anything else happens.
To be clear my son has only retaliated when hers has pushed him beyond his limit and she says that she's 'made exceptions' because she knows he's having a hard time with school so I dread to think what would have been said if he was settled at school.

OP posts:
TheCanterburyWhales · 09/10/2019 14:20

When you "send the other child home" if things get rough, what consequence does your son get?

NearlyGranny · 09/10/2019 14:20

She has actually threatened your child, then. She sounds like a bully. A full grown adult saying to a 7 yo "There will be trouble!"? That's inappropriate.

She should have come straight to you. I would alert the class teacher that another parent has threatened your child and ask that an eye is kept on her at drop-off and pick-up time!

Say the magic words 'safe-guarding issue' and ask for it to be put on record.

MrsBungle · 09/10/2019 14:21

Doesn’t sound like she’s done a thing wrong to me.

Original poster
WheredidIgowrongkid · 09/10/2019 14:22

Sorry if it's not clear. It's happening out of school hours. They play in our garden sometimes and on the path outside the house or at another friends house along with road. I'd have rather she came and spoke to me the very first time something happened instead of her about to stop them playing together and letting the issue drag out. I don't think it's her place to give lectures about behaviour when she doesn't know the full story of his struggles. Her child declares he's better than mine at football and basketball and can jump higher on the trampoline. He has prevented mine from getting off his trampoline by standing on the zip of the net and each time I've asked him to play nicely or to go home for a while.

OP posts:
NearlyGranny · 09/10/2019 14:23

Adults don't get to threaten children - their own or other people's - without consequences.

Sexnotgender · 09/10/2019 14:24

and each time I've asked him to play nicely or to go home for a while.

So you’ve disciplined him...

But she can’t discipline your child? Interesting.

NerrSnerr · 09/10/2019 14:25

The physical aggression still needs addressing even if he is going through a rough time. It really sounds like they don't get on and they wind each other up.

TheCanterburyWhales · 09/10/2019 14:25

Well isn't yours an angel....until he hits the other...Hmm

obligations · 09/10/2019 14:26

'I would never dream of telling another child off so much that they are inconsolable.' But you can't predict how a child will respond. I think it sounds like you need to give the friendship outside school a bit of a break and just ask her (nicely and politely) to let you know if she sees your son acting in any way untoward. That's all you can do or control if you don't want this to get any worse. Saying your son struggles etc is beside the point and only to do with your/his feelings really.

NearlyGranny · 09/10/2019 14:27

So where did the "There will be trouble!" conversation happen? You can still tell school even if it didn't happen there...

Original poster
WheredidIgowrongkid · 09/10/2019 14:28

I didn't know what was going on because it was never mentioned. I spoke with my child after school yesterday and I spoke to his teacher as well. He said he only did it because he got angry that the other boy was being mean and he couldn't control himself. I've made it clear that this behaviour is completely unacceptable and he is at risk of losing a friend. He's had toys taken away and screen time removed as a consequence. I can appreciate where she's coming from. As a parent you want to keep your children safe but if it was the other way around I'd have mentioned it straight away.

OP posts:
BarbedBloom · 09/10/2019 14:28

It doesn't really matter if her son is saying he is better at sports etc, there is no excuse for your son hitting him. He needs to learn ways to manage his anger. I do sympathise with him having a hard time at school, but that's even more reason for him to learn coping strategies.

She is right to tell him off for that and I would do the same. It sounds very much like the friendship will be over soon anyway, so maybe just focus on improving his behavior and finding ways to cope with his feelings.

Didiusfalco · 09/10/2019 14:28

She’s just being upfront that if the friendship between them doesn’t improve your son won’t be welcome at her house. I’ve had kids over where I’ve thought ‘never again’ but generally I haven’t mentioned to the parents/child - just not invited them again. She’s just being a lot more direct than most.

adaline · 09/10/2019 14:29

She's told him that if he ever puts a hand on her child ever again there will be trouble.

What's wrong with that? Confused

Don't let your son hit hers!

SpiderCharlotte · 09/10/2019 14:29

To be clear my son has only retaliated when hers has pushed him beyond his limit

By doing what @WheredidIgowrongkid ?

Longlongsummer · 09/10/2019 14:30

I don’t get it, is she having sole care of your child at any point? If she is, sensible to stop now. If I were you I’d discuss it with her and say you agree that hitting is not acceptable, but that have also a different take on it and explain why. You should both be there having very close supervision of both boys to nip this in the bud.

I would expect anyone caring for my son to discpline him if he hit anyone however that is why I would be quite careful about who I leave him with.

Cmagic7 · 09/10/2019 14:31

This is obviously a situation where there will be heightened emotions and fierce loyalty on both sides. Perhaps you could suggest having a chat with her to decide together how you will act if the situation arises again and put on a united front, being clear to the boys about the consequences of their actions. Don't get drawn into their childish behaviour.

TheSunAlsoRises · 09/10/2019 14:31

So she has said that if your child hits hers again they can't be friends anymore?

Sounds totally reasonable to me.

WhoTellsYourStory · 09/10/2019 14:32

Err. I may be missing something, but isn't the real problem here that you have a 7 year old who can't stop himself from hitting others? You say that you're disciplining him but it doesn't sound as though it's working, and you focussing on the wrong issue i.e. whether or not your friend or your friend's son approached him in the right way. You need to address why your son can't control his behaviour.

Sirzy · 09/10/2019 14:35

None of what you have said the other boy does comes close to justifying your son hitting the other boy!

You need to stop worrying about the other mum and son and focus on helping your son control his temper

forkfun · 09/10/2019 14:35

Seriously? You can't tell a child that's hitting another child 'if you do it again, there will be trouble?' seems like a sensible thing to say. There'll be negative consequences if you continue to physically hurt someone else. It's a pretty important message and it needs to be said by any adult who is in charge at the time.

Original poster
WheredidIgowrongkid · 09/10/2019 14:36

@Cmagic7 that's really helpful, thank you! I know he's 7 and should know better. The last time was on Sunday when the other boy punched him in the neck and my son kicked him to get him to stop. I supervise as much as I can but we've both got a young baby as well. He's not left in her care. We're next-door neighbours and she works at their school which I feel makes it even more tricky.

OP posts:
Derbee · 09/10/2019 14:36

YABU.

It sounds like your son is being a bit of a shit, and you’re not doing anything about it. You’ve seen the boys being rough with each other, and you’ve threatened to send the other boy home.

So you can discipline her son, but she can’t discipline yours? You also justify your son hitting hers by saying that it’s only when he’s pushed him beyond his limit so you seem to think your sons violent behaviour is justified. So why would she come and talk to you about it, when you think it’s merely a reaction to her sons behaviour in the first place?

I wouldn’t want your son playing with mine, by the sounds of it. Your punishments to your son seem really out of context and confusing for him too - violence needs to be addressed there and then, not after the fact.

NearlyGranny · 09/10/2019 14:37

No, she threatened non-specified "trouble" to a 7 yo half her size. If she'd said he couldn't play with her son any more, fair enough.

For all we know, she was towering over him or hissing into his face. It's intimidating talk.

As an adult, if someone significantly bigger and heavier than you singled you out and told there's be trouble of you did x again, would you think that was OK?

TheQueef · 09/10/2019 14:37

She hasn't discipline him. She's stated facts.
You need to stop being on the defensive or your ds will run riot.
Regardless of his problems he can't hit.