Friend disciplined my child

[WheredidIgowrongkid]

Hello! I've come across a rather difficult situation. Yesterday a friend confronted me about my son's behaviour claiming that he was essentially beating up her son. They're both 7 and in the same class. There has been a lot of disruption in the classroom and my son has struggled to cope with it and his mental health has taken a fair hit. During the discussion with the other boys mum she said that she and her partner had decided on a '3 strike and he's out' rule re my sons behaviour and he's had 2 strikes already. She never mentioned anything about his behaviour to me despite walking to school together and going to baby groups together. Aibu to be furious that she disciplined my child instead of talking to me about it and letting it all escalate to this level? She's prepared to put an end to their friendship if anything else happens.
To be clear my son has only retaliated when hers has pushed him beyond his limit and she says that she's 'made exceptions' because she knows he's having a hard time with school so I dread to think what would have been said if he was settled at school.

Her ds is boasting, possibly taunting and getting his mum to stick up for him when his behaviour enrages your son and he hits out. Of course this is very wrong. However, if her ds isn’t being made to own his behaviour, he’s going to grow up believing he’s Teflon.

It sounds like your ds may be more like you and her ds more like her in that she and her ds use words (including good piss you off) and you and your ds don’t know how to use words. You being the adult are using silence, your ds, his hands.

As the adult, it’s for you, to work out how to communicate better. Her 3 strikes rule is bonkers. You say the kids play together. Do be careful if she does follow through, your ds could be left out in the cold in your street.

Had you previously raised with the mum or teacher that your son was being pushed beyond his limits by the boy? It sounds quite extreme, but if you are only saying this now that she's spoken to you about your son beating up her son, it just sounds like the sort of thing people always come out with when confronted about their child's bullying behaviour.

Was your son inconsolable when he was scolded because he doesn't get scolded at home for hitting and so on? Tbh it all sounds like fairly normal annoying 7 year old behaviour until the hitting starts. I think you need to sit down with the mum and agree a shared approach to what happens when arguments break out. She's basically telling you that if you don't act your son will lose his best friend.

Cross post. Do you mean her ds punched your ds?

Much more effective would be for you both to tell your children that if they can’t play nicely together, they won’t be playing together. Don’t let them get together so much out of school, so they don’t have a violent and over familiar relationship inside school

Stop leaving them unsupervised, then you’ll know exactly who’s causing the agro
What’s the story in the disruption in the classroom which is affecting your child’s (just your child?) mental health? Is he involved in the disruption at all?

Maybe you should channel your energies into whatever you imagine is happening there.

She hasn't disciplined him she's warned him. YABU.

It sounds like her boy winds yours up until your boy lashes out. He is doing this deliberate ly because he knows he will hit the jackpot every tome.if left unchecked other boys will do this too.
You need to teach your ds strategies of how to manage this situation. The most obvious being putting distance between them. Think of what he can do if he can't get away either on the trampoline or in the classroom for example

Tell her that her son shouldn't wind people up either and that there may be a bit more to it than her son is letting on. Such things are rarely so one-sided.

Don't let them play together for now, it doesn't sound like your DS likes the boy much anyway.

She’s warned an unruly child about potential consequences for the future.

She has not been the disciplinarian here, that should be your job. YABVU

I think I’d react the same way as her really. Regardless who’s starting the hitting/kicking it doesn’t sound like a great friendship.

YABVVU. I would have done exactly the same as your “friend”. She hasn’t disciplined him but it sounds as if you have let your DS get away with murder.

It sounds like she's made the decision that the play combination isn't working due to her child being hit by a child who gets repeatedly violent (for whatever reason). She's decided that if thr behaviour continues then she'll stop the friendship because her child is being harmed.

I don't see what the issue is.

Then again, I had a parent of an aggressive and violent teen tell me that I'd caused their child to assault me as a member of staff. Apparently I pushed his buttons and he doesn't respond well to being victimised (aka I should have stepped back and allowed him to continue intimidating other students and not intervened for their safety Maybe they also pushed his buttons too by existing or telling him to shut up).

As she works in the school, OP, I thinks it's important to report the threat as your child may be in contact with her there.

Perhaps her line manager will then have a word about appropriate ways to speak to children, but you wouldn't be told about that.

It should show in her manner towards him in future, though. Firm, fair and not intimidatory is what I'd hope to see. Meantime I wouldn't have her son over to play or let your son play out in shared space for a bit. Let it calm down.

To be clear my son has only retaliated when hers has pushed him beyond his limit

Again, OP, what do you mean? What is the other child consistently doing?

Of course no one likes their kids being hurt. It’s a motherly instinct, However.
I think it’s ridiculous arguing and falling over kids. You’re both still tearing lumps out of each and the kids are playing together 2 minutes later. That’s just me though.
I don’t how she’s going to end the friendship between them. With the best will in the world. You’ll never stop kids playing together.

It doesn't sound like he's being "pushed beyond his limit", more like he doesn't have a limit. Your attitude to him seems to be that ok hitting is wrong but it's always actually someone else's fault & they made him do it. This is what you're teaching your son. In another 20 years if MN still exists there'll likely be some poor woman your son's involved with on telling how her husband/boyfriend says "look what you made me do" every time he punches her in the face & is it really her fault?
So far, you've brought your son up to be entitled & violent. You need to stop & to stop him.

So, you discipline her ds but she can't do the same to yours when he's violent?
Can you clarify what kind of disruption in class has caused such distress that you feel it justified violent reactions?

Honestly, it sounds like the boys are best off not being friends and you and this other woman should just step back. Kids brag about being good at things but that's not an excuse to hit and if your ds cant handle that type of interaction it's not a friendship that will benefit him.

It very much sounds like they need some distance from each other. Living next door and same class at school doesn't mean they're a good friendship match. I'd be making an effort to change routine/join clubs etc so it limits the unstructured time together

If my daughter hit anyone I would want the mom to tell me. Know the circumstances and act accordingly. Perhaps they both need speaking to with both parents present.

Perhaps her line manager will then have a word about appropriate ways to speak to children, but you wouldn't be told about that.
Two kids playing out of school has absolutely nothing to do with her line manager!

Can you imagine that conversation:
Hi headteacher. Mine and Sally's sons play together out of school. Sally has said she'll stop them playing together because my son has hit and been violent, but it's not his fault. He only does it because her son winds him up. I'm not happy that she has pulled my son up for his behaviour and would like you to have a word with her in work about her decision to not let our children play out of school.

OP did you say that your child hit her child after her child punched yours in the neck ?

I'm not seeing the issue here, and I'm assuming your sons mental health struggles is why he was inconsolable.

I see no issue with what she did. I'd focus on my son if I was you, not her, and try to help him through this patch.

Just stop them playing together for a while. They are not getting on well at the moment. Encourage other friendships and find some “out of school” activities for him to do. Now that you have spoken to the teacher she will, hopefully, let you know of any problems in school. Let your son know that he must not hit or kick and what his punishment will be and follow through.