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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think its mens fault that women are "less up for it"

114 replies

MoanerLeaser · 09/10/2019 07:19

NC.

So I've just had a bloody awful nights sleep and need to rant. I was woken up 3 times in the night by DP pawing me. Dont worry, not in a scary horrible way, just in a 'I want sex' way.

Over the years; with various men and through listening to my girlfriends and stories of them with men; I'm starting to realise or at least think that this whole "Haha, women want sex less than men and it's so frustrating for the men" trope is actually mens own doing.
Collated examples of how men make it so women actually can no longer be arsed:

Being bad tempered for a stint and then just expecting you to suddenly forget that in bed
Nothing particularly inspiring or exciting happening in day to day life: how about getting up the motivation to actually go out, see each other in a different context, to get the juices flowing? How about trying to seduce me?
No real tenderness: How about a massage? How about physical warmth and touch that doesn't necessarily have to lead to sex?
Not making a woman feel special. How about some flowers? How about a well placed compliment?
Low energy: Quite a few men are actually just lazy in bed. What's in it for me, if it's just about you lying there?
Lack of ideas: The above don't necessarily all apply to my own relationship but this one does: after a year or two of instigating role play, dressing up etc, it's like... So are you going to titillate me in any way then?

Sorry for the rant! I just think when you see comics or whatever laughing about "her not being up for it", maybe it's like- because you're not feeling me with desire. It's not women who are somehow low sex drive. I think women's sex drives are maybe more complex.

OP posts:

seaweedandmarchingbands · 09/10/2019 07:21

Waking me three times in the night for sex would put me off for the foreseeable future. Urgh. Like a dog humping your leg. And just plain inconsiderate.

polkadotpixie · 09/10/2019 07:22

3 times?! If my DH dared wake me up again after getting a no the first time he'd be sleeping in the garden!

But no, YANBU, I totally agree

Peony99 · 09/10/2019 07:24

I think (hope) you just know bad men.

DH has never woken me up for sex. Let alone three times! I'd be furious.

TequilaPilates · 09/10/2019 07:24

Yanbu with the waking you during the night - that would really annoy me but I think most of your list is unreasonable.

I really don't understand why it's up to the men to do all of that. Why shouldn' t we be expected to do those things too?

ChickenyChick · 09/10/2019 07:25

That is just the tip of the iceberg

In my very limited experience, good lovers exist but they rarely are British. French men are quite different (but bring with them their own problems ) and have heard good things about German men too

Again, not universally true but based on my own very limited experience

Culturally, in the UK sex is something women “give” to men, there is no art of seduction

I am crap at seduction myself, so having a British partner suits me

Ponoka7 · 09/10/2019 07:26

It's an old joke about the more housework men do, the more good sex they get, but in my experience, it seems true.

Doing your bit in the house and children shows you care.

Grumpiness, stinginess etc is a big turn off.

I've met quite a few men who complain about a lack of sex in their marriage and in every case I don't understand why they would think anyone would want to have sex with them.

Velveteenfruitbowl · 09/10/2019 07:28

I love being woken for sex. My favourite kind of sex. If anything I would say that you just can’t generalise. Not all men can tolerate the above and not all women are put off by it.

Ponoka7 · 09/10/2019 07:30

"Culturally, in the UK sex is something women “give” to men, there is no art of seduction"

I'd say that the art of seduction, borders on coercion and deceit. It also feeds into the idea that women are the gatekeepers of sex.

chamenanged · 09/10/2019 07:31

It's completely not normal or okay for your partner to 'paw' you and wake you up for sex, especially sex you've already said no to. That's horrendous and actually it does sound both scary and horrible.

BrokenWing · 09/10/2019 07:32

What kind of person wakes someone in the middle of the night for a shag 3 times? Especially after being told no 2 times previously! Creepy!

lazylinguist · 09/10/2019 07:34

I know this isn't a fashionable view, but I'd imagine it's partly genetic. Men are physically able to go around impregnating umpteen women one after the other, and could continue to do so into relatively old age. So it makes sense for the desire for sex to be constant. Not the same with women.

However, you're right that various things about many men's behaviour does (and should) put women off having sex with them. I'm not sure why you are trying to reassure us that what your DP is doing is not horrible. It very much is, and disrespectful.

KizzyWayfarer · 09/10/2019 07:35

Unless you have a very high sex drive, which clearly isn’t the case, I don’t understand why the response to being woken from sleep a second time wasn’t to make it clear that he must Never Ever do that again. Do you really think it’s ok for him to do that to you?

Original poster

MoanerLeaser · 09/10/2019 07:36

@TequilaPilates

It's about both doing it. But I know plenty of women who for example have massaged their men but haven't been massaged in return.

In my own relationship; my guy is pretty good around the house; but I do all the cooking. I think hes maybe cooked for me twice in two years. And again in my own relationship, I've dressed up loads of times or created "scenarios" but he hasn't.

Btw, I'm not looking for relationship advice, I know the drill, it's either leave or hash it out with him, and I'll be doing the latter so no worries.

But it's just like - in my own case for example, why would I always want to have the same sex in a dark room with you waking me up at 2am by playing with my nipples? Hello? Why dont you start by giving me a back rub? If theres no money to go out, why dont I come home from work ibe day to find you've cooked dinner and run me a bath or something? Get me in the fucking mood is what I'm trying to say, stop just waking me up at 4am by slowly grinding against me and expecting me to roll over in my PJs and be like "oooh baby!"

I dunno I think it's that for a lot of women there needs to be this sense that you are strongly desired. Not just a handy hole if you'll excuse my crudeness. So an even simpler thing to do, would be after dinner, to hold the woman's face between your hands and say "you are so beautiful you know". Then a long deep kiss. And then we're off!

I just dont understand why so many men dont get this

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 09/10/2019 07:39

You’re generalising when the problem is the specific man you live with.

PixieDustt · 09/10/2019 07:40

I'd be fuming if my DP woke me even once for sex! He never has. I like my sleep more than sex 😂 (sorry DP)

Original poster

MoanerLeaser · 09/10/2019 07:40

Sorry if I wasnt clear, he wasnt waking me up and actually trying to have sex with me. That would be disturbing. He was doing that "warm" thing, you know where hes holding you from behind but his hips are moving slightly and his hand is kind of playing with your boobs. Is that "wrong"? I thought that was the universal language of "I'm telling you I'm in the mood and testing to see whether you will respond".

OP posts:

BeanBag7 · 09/10/2019 07:40

If my husband started twiddling my nipples at 2am he would be getting a swift kick to the knacks and told tonpiss off.

No13 · 09/10/2019 07:40

It’s not all men. Stop generalising

KizzyWayfarer · 09/10/2019 07:41

No, it is NOT normal male behaviour to start twiddling nipples at 2am. Because they’re not generally arseholes and they also know they’d be out of the bed and if repeated, out of the relationship!

Preggosaurus9 · 09/10/2019 07:41

He is habitually disturbing your sleep to try and have sex?! That is so weird and wrong.

Monty27 · 09/10/2019 07:41

Send him shopping

BeanBag7 · 09/10/2019 07:42

Does that sometimes work OP? If you don't mind it, it's not "wrong" but if it pisses you off (sounds like it does) he needs to stop, especially if its happening multiples times a night.

Original poster

MoanerLeaser · 09/10/2019 07:42

@BeanBag7

That really made me laugh :-D

Okay, well te thread got a bit sidetracked. I'm interested to hear now whether that actually ISNT normal (the 2am nipple scenario lol) according to more MNers. Bit confused now.

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 09/10/2019 07:43

Ah, plenty of the usual sweeping generalisations going on I see.

Tableclothing · 09/10/2019 07:47

If DH woke me up for anything less than a burning house he'd be sorry.

Wasn't there some research a while back that compared satisfaction rates of gay and straight men and women, and found that lesbians reported many more orgasms than straight women (straight women reporting the least satisfaction out of everyone)? I'm pretty sure that although there will be some noble exceptions, there is room for a lot of straight men to up their game.

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