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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think its mens fault that women are "less up for it"

114 replies

MoanerLeaser · 09/10/2019 07:19

NC.

So I've just had a bloody awful nights sleep and need to rant. I was woken up 3 times in the night by DP pawing me. Dont worry, not in a scary horrible way, just in a 'I want sex' way.

Over the years; with various men and through listening to my girlfriends and stories of them with men; I'm starting to realise or at least think that this whole "Haha, women want sex less than men and it's so frustrating for the men" trope is actually mens own doing.
Collated examples of how men make it so women actually can no longer be arsed:

  • Being bad tempered for a stint and then just expecting you to suddenly forget that in bed
  • Nothing particularly inspiring or exciting happening in day to day life: how about getting up the motivation to actually go out, see each other in a different context, to get the juices flowing? How about trying to seduce me?
  • No real tenderness: How about a massage? How about physical warmth and touch that doesn't necessarily have to lead to sex?
  • Not making a woman feel special. How about some flowers? How about a well placed compliment?
  • Low energy: Quite a few men are actually just lazy in bed. What's in it for me, if it's just about you lying there?
  • Lack of ideas: The above don't necessarily all apply to my own relationship but this one does: after a year or two of instigating role play, dressing up etc, it's like... So are you going to titillate me in any way then?

Sorry for the rant! I just think when you see comics or whatever laughing about "her not being up for it", maybe it's like- because you're not feeling me with desire. It's not women who are somehow low sex drive. I think women's sex drives are maybe more complex.

OP posts:
NewLevelsOfTiredness · 09/10/2019 07:47

See, there's no getting around the fact that my girlfriend is the 'gatekeeper of sex' in our relationship. We have three kids, it's exhausting. Circumstances do need to be right for her to be aroused. I can flip a mental on-button when those times occur. It's just how it is and we work with that.

Within that context obviously some things are common sense.
Yes, if I do my share of the housework she will not be so tired. That's just logical.
If the experience is shit for her, obviously it's not going to happen as often, or enthusiastically. That's also logical.
And yes, I try and make her feel special, and this helps, but she does that for me too and I think crucially the reason it helps is because it's not done with intention of 'getting more sex' - it just has that happy side effect.

The older two kids have a different father. Before she split up with him he'd more or less hide until the kids were asleep, then move to the sofa while she tidied up, then get annoyed that she wasn't game.

It's not a matter of having to 'earn' sex or it being a 'reward' - it's just a reality that if she's exhausted and feels unappreciated she won't feel aroused.

Which was all just a long way of saying YANBU I guess.

Tableclothing · 09/10/2019 07:48

The 2 am nipple scenario is not normal. I'd dump a bloke who tried that.

Original poster
MoanerLeaser · 09/10/2019 07:51

@BeanBag7

No, I dont like having my nipples tweaked for no apparent reason in the middle of te night, but in his defense, I have gone along with it before. I need to correct this but I dont know how. I'm 30 and I think for a long time my sex life has been about making sure men were happy. That's my fault I realise. But now I dont even know what I like or how to find out or what to tell him.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoanerLeaser · 09/10/2019 07:52

@NewLevelsOfTiredness
You sound lovely.

@ShatnersWig
Dismissing women's experiences as "sweeping generalisations"?

OP posts:
Mephisto · 09/10/2019 07:53

Sorry if I wasnt clear, he wasnt waking me up and actually trying to have sex with me. That would be disturbing. He was doing that "warm" thing, you know where hes holding you from behind but his hips are moving slightly and his hand is kind of playing with your boobs. Is that "wrong"? I thought that was the universal language of "I'm telling you I'm in the mood and testing to see whether you will respond".

I understood you but why do you think it’s acceptable for him to wake you the second or third time when you’ve already said no the first time?

I have to get up for work in the morning and need sleep, I don’t want to be ‘tested’ 3 times in the night.

sarahjconnor · 09/10/2019 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tableclothing · 09/10/2019 07:55

I need to correct this but I dont know how.

Try

"What the hell are you doing? You know full well I'm sleeping. Do not ever wake me up like this again. I don't like it."

Benes · 09/10/2019 07:57

Personally I don't mind being woken up for sex but I've made that clear to my DH. If I was to say no he wouldn't try again.

I've never understood this concept that it's a man's responsibility to get women in the mood for sex. This plays into the idea that women are the gatekeepers of sex and it's something we 'give' to men.

user1493413286 · 09/10/2019 08:02

I see a lot of threads on here about men who put zero effort into their marriages/are very lazy then seem surprised that their partners don’t want to jump their bones.

CarolDanvers · 09/10/2019 08:03

Imo the main issue is that the porn industry and socialisation telling men they should be "getting it" constantly and all women are up for it. I'm sorry but even on here women are told that regular sex is and should be part of a marriage and successful relationship. I just don't think this is true. Sex ultimately is to procreate. If we are not wanting it every five minutes could it not just be that subconsciously we don't want to procreate so the urge isn't there? I know some people have higher sex drives than others but it's not abnormal not to want it, if anything it's normal and I think if the pressure to provide it and emphasis on it being a vital part of a good relationship was lifted maybe people wouldn't feel so pressured and it would happen more naturally.

Cruddles · 09/10/2019 08:06

a previous relationship I had, for 2.5 years, we had tons of sex in the middle of the night being woken from our sleep. We'd go to sleep generally hugging or holding each other, and quite often in our sleep we'd get ourselves in the mood without realising

JacquesHammer · 09/10/2019 08:07

The “oh poor men, sweeping generalisations, wah wah wah” is so tired.

If the men you know don’t do this then great.

I’m fast coming to the conclusion that the real sign of a good man is acknowledging men as a class cause problems.

OP YANBU. I would raise with him that he hasn’t blurry ideas surrounding consent and see how that hits him.

ControversialFerret · 09/10/2019 08:10

I think the biggest turn off is laziness.

It's astounding that so many men seem to think their partners and wives will be up for it, after a day of skivvying round with zero help or input.

I find competence and capability very attractive. I like men that can get on with things, without needing to be directed (WTF should we carry the mental load?!). Pull your weight - and I mean properly, not just a half-assed go at it - and behave as if you are in a partnership rather than expecting to be babied like an overgrown child.

Quartz2208 · 09/10/2019 08:13

I think here once in the morning every now and then is fine
But you said no so he tried again another no so he did it again
That is not ok it’s both no listening to and ignoring your boundaries but hoping that he will wear you down until you say yes
As you say you are used to giving in

TequilaPilates · 09/10/2019 08:14

I've never understood this concept that it's a man's responsibility to get women in the mood for sex. This plays into the idea that women are the gatekeepers of sex and it's something we 'give' to men.

I completely agree with this.

So many threads on MN where are saying the man should do x, y and z for his wife as though she's some sort of rare flower that needs taking care of and then, under perfect circumstances, she'll reward him with sex.

I want an equal partnership where we both have the responsibility of taking care of ourselves, each other and our relationship. It shouldn't be on one partner to do all of the running.

speakout · 09/10/2019 08:15

Not all men are like this OP.

Sorry you have settled for one.

I am sure many women are inconsiderate physically and crap in bed too.

Original poster
MoanerLeaser · 09/10/2019 08:16

@ControversialFerret
Yes, I hear you. For me this isnt a problem, my partner does loads around the house, including mental loady stuff. For me it's more a lack of romance, although I know for many women and men alike, this isnt a priority.
But to me small gestures and romance are what lift life out of the mundane, they take you out of your everyday self, and I think for a lot of people that can feed nicely into imagination and a good sex life.

OP posts:
diddl · 09/10/2019 08:16

How can it be normal to be tweaking & grinding against someone who is asleep?

Sparklfairy · 09/10/2019 08:17

It's entitlement, plain and simple. So often I read here that partners treat women like absolute dirt, then once in bed expect sex. To me it shows a complete lack of respect that you are there purely to serve his needs - cooking, cleaning, child rearing... And getting him off.

The expectation is that you are there to serve him. He wants sex, and expects you to give it. He doesn't care about you or your needs, you are purely there to service him.

I'm not specifically talking about your relationship OP, but it astounds me when I read some threads on here that men moan they don't get enough sex when they are such arseholes to their wives and partners.

ShatnersWig · 09/10/2019 08:18

Moaner I am not the only poster pointing out that there are sweeping generalisations being made. I would never dismiss anyone's experience - if you want to say "All the men I have dated have been selfish in bed" go for it. Factually accurate. But men aren't all the same, just as women aren't all the same - as you've seen on this thread already, there are women who like being woken up for sex. I've known women who wake their male partner up for sex. I've known men do all the housework and still not get much sex - because that particular partner had a very low sex drive, nothing to do with how much housework a man does.

That's all. Everyone is different.

These things are two way streets. If you want a man to do XYZ tell him. Because his previous partner may not like XYZ and preferred ABC. I have a female friend who in the early days of dating had a guy bring her flowers. She asked him what he'd done wrong. He never bought her flowers again (married twenty years now). If your man doesn't do what you want, tell him. If he still doesn't do what you want, kick the bastard into touch and find another one that IS compatible. But at the same time I've known relationships where the man treats his wife like a princess, buys her everything under the sun, little gifts, flowers all the time. She never does anything for him though.

TequilaPilates · 09/10/2019 08:19

I like men that can get on with things, without needing to be directed (WTF should we carry the mental load?!). Pull your weight

I agree but then equally I know friends of mine who moan about their husband not doing housework or the cooking but who won't themselves take the rubbish out, or do any car maintenance, or unblock drains and things. Basically anything that they deem "men's jobs". We can't have it all ways. Divide the jobs equally and play to your strengths but don't then moan that your partner isn't doing your jobs as well as their own.

Beamur · 09/10/2019 08:21

The 2am thing is not normal or acceptable in our home.
Disturbing my sleep is only permitted by children with nightmares or cats wanting cuddles.
DH knows better.

PerkyPomPoms · 09/10/2019 08:23

Three times!! Did he not understand the answer was no after the first time? That would really piss me off.

Loopytiles · 09/10/2019 08:23

Tell him to stop it.

Apart from the unwanted groping and grinding when you’re asleep, is he any good in bed, for you?

If not, ending the relationship and finding someone better in bed and with better attitudes would be a good option!

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