DP insisting we hang out with friends on holiday?

[mapleleafshiba]

So DP and I are currently abroad trekking around South America.

But we've been here 5 days and in that time we've met one of his friends for brunch one morning and another we've been for dinner and drinks with. Sometimes this is fun. But they often ignore me and one was a colleague so they just spoke about work the whole time (even though they're both on annual leave). I resent losing time we could be out and about, I get zero choice in what we do with them and actually I don't always like whoever I'm stuck with. He said yesterday he just likes seeing people abroad

We don't live together currently (newish relationship and he works away during the week) so time together is fairly precious but he does this a lot.

He doesn't see any problem with this and sometimes I don't. But tonight they even went into a bar together after dinner for a beer over the sports match that was on. It was DPs idea but I don't drink, I don't really like this sport at all. I can't really not join them as 1. It's rude and 2. This is a very remote foreign country where I don't feel safe walking around alone so since this was following dinner, I had to join and sat drinking Coke while they cheered at the screen

AIBU to find this annoying? Maybe I'm a complete diva but honestly it grates on me. These are people he sees often and can see anytime (his colleague he actually lives with!) if it were friends he hardly saw and it rarely happened, I'd understand more

[Taswama]

Yanbu!
Sounds awful. You want to spend time with him but he’s rather talk about work or sport with his mates who just ‘happen’ to be there.

[TheRobinIsBobbingAlong]

Blimey, of all the different places around the world they could have gone, your bf and his flatmate just happened to book trekking in the same place in South America on the same week. Of course it was planned!! I think YANBU and would reconsider this relationship as you don't sound his priority either on holiday or at home.

[whiteroseredrose]

I'd be furious. A brunch, a dinner and drinks means that three out of five days you're with other people that you don't know.

Presumably it's cheaper for him to share a room with you than to pay for it alone.

I'd tell him how you feel. Maybe he's so insensitive to have not noticed.

If things don't change I'd be tempted to go home...... Actually in real life I'd be rude. I'd tell friend or colleague that it's nice to see them but we came on holiday to spend time together so byeeee. Then go to a different bar.

[FinallyHere]

You learn a lot about people when travelling with them.

we came on holiday to spend time together

I agree with PPs that you are not compatible.

I'm guessing that he actively enjoys his independent and sociable lifestyle whereas you think you are on holiday to spend precious, quality time together.

Good to find out now rather than not til after you have had a few DC.

I would not go home but I would book a few trips and activities. Hope you can find some enjoyment.

[Purpleartichoke]

I hate that we can’t edit. I posted on the last page that my DH is guilty of this behavior. It was my XH!

[CharityConundrum]

He's lied to you, either directly or by omission, about 'coincidentally' meeting up with friends on another continent, he's ignored you in favour of talking shop with his mates (which I would find objectionable at my local, let alone on an expensive holiday) and he's chosen to spend an evening watching something that you find actively unpleasant with someone he sees every day over spending time with you. He's made plans for you both without consulting you, which is rude and completely not in the spirit of the break you clearly wanted.
You sound like you'd be well out of it tbh.

[Juells]

In fairness, he's a boyfriend, not a partner. A part-time boyfriend that you don't see that often. Drop him as soon as you're safely home.

[Gardai]

Holidays are known to be a make or break with relationships - I don’t think he’s unreasonable or that you are - it’s just you don’t seem compatible.

[ShinyGiratina]

I don't believe that you'd just bump into a flatmate so far away on that sort of trip. He's being disingenuous.

DH and I went travelling and made a pact that we would socialise with others as it was a long trip and would dilute each other's company. But to go away on a "couple's" holiday and then end up leaving out your girlfriend in bars not to her taste, and hanging out with other friends "randomly" is not cool.

There's not much of a relationship there. Is it worth investing more into it if he's like that? Or find someone else more honest and compatible.

[TinyGhostWriter]

OP, was meeting up unplanned or did he deny all knowledge that they were all going to be in and around the same place? There would be a big difference here.

Regardless, it sounds like you have a low threshold for compromise. Meeting up with people on two occasions within five days isn’t excessive.

[Juells]

Regardless, it sounds like you have a low threshold for compromise. Meeting up with people on two occasions within five days isn’t excessive.

Gosh, I think the opposite. Anyone I know would have a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle if this happened to them on holiday in South America.

[LEELULUMPKIN]

I'm reminded of the classic Bogey line "of all the bars in all the world etc, etc" What are the odds of running into his flatmate?!

Yeah right.

Surely you don't believe it's just coincidence OP?

[Juells]

Liar liar pants on fire

[Lweji]

Is SA his home country?

I'm pretty sure South America is not his home country on account of it having many and diverse countries.

Still, is it a popular tourist spot or remote?

[Livelovebehappy]

He’s not really doing anything wrong. Op has said it’s very new and early in their relationship. So not serious yet. If you were 2 years down the line and he did this then it wouldn’t be acceptable, but you’re both probably still finding out about each other and it does sound like you just don’t really like the same things. Enjoy the holiday and detach once you get home.

[katewhinesalot]

If he was apologetic about leaving you out and it was a genuine coincidence then I'd probably suck it up, but he doesn't even seem to care that you are just tagging along, clearly not enjoying yourself.

[Motoko]

I can't get over the fact that he expects you to believe that he didn't know his flatmate was also going to the same place! He must think you're stupid.

Also, he sees his mate everyday when he's at home, but sees you less, so you'd think he'd want to spend the time with you. You're in the honeymoon period of a relationship, where normally, you can't get enough of each other, yet he'd rather sit in a sports bar with his flatmate, and probably forgets you're even there.

This one's not a keeper I'm afraid. I do hope you dump him when you get back, because this is the best it will be.

[Monty27]

I think he probably has more fun with his mates than with you. He must be feeling hemmed in.
I don't think you're good traveling/holidaying companions and probably won't last much distance back home.
Sorry!

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Look it was clearly planned so for that HIBU.

But his version of a holiday sounds more fun than yours so apart from having this sprung on you, I think it's just a case of you two not liking the same things.

I had a BF like this years ago and when I said, "we're always hanging out with your friends" he said, "I like showing you off" and looked It was cute.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"He said yesterday he just likes seeing people abroad"

"But they often ignore me and one was a colleague so they just spoke about work the whole time ... (his colleague he actually lives with!)"

I have an image of your boyfriend, @mapleleafshiba, and it's not a flattering one. He sees himself as some sort of glamorous jet-setter, a global citizen; a brunch in South America, cocktails in New York kinda guy .

There is absolutely NO WAY that he ran into his flatmate in this "very remote foreign country" without there being some pre-arrangement. It is NOT a coincidence, it absolutely was planned. By at least one of them, probably both. They're pretending it's coincidence because otherwise you'd be asking all sorts of awkward questions (first up: why the hell didn't you tell me your flatmate was coming on holiday with us?).

As others have already said on this thread; you're not really compatible, you describe it as a newish relationship - cut your losses. After the holiday, go your separate ways. By which I mean - dump the boring bastard.

[Lemonlady22]

you are in quite a remote south american place but its popular with tourists where your partners flat mate has turned up unexpectedly....yeah sounds legit!

[OooErMissus]

Of course you're not being unreasonable to feel the way you do.

But he's not being unreasonable, either.

I would be absolutely fine with this, but DH is likewise a 'more the merrier' type, so we'd both be happy to go along with it.

I find these threads fascinating. Being sociable / anti-sociable is such a fundamental compatibly issue.

If you don't have it, I mean ... good luck, long term...

[TheMaddHugger]

South America... Not africa

'Nods" my good deed for the day

[Teacher22]

You are being held hostage on your own holiday. Your DP is behaving badly and you are hundreds of miles from home and cannot escape.

If he prioritises his friends now he will not change and you have had a lucky insight into his future behaviour. I do not think, from what you have described, OP, that this relationship is kind or compatible.

My DH is an angel in comparison but I have to state the terms on which I will go away with him on holiday every time as he will otherwise revert to being grumpy, morose and self absorbed. I can escape this at home but away it feels like I am a hostage with no escape. I refuse to go unless he is willing to be nice.