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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset SILs have excluded us from family holiday?

112 replies

Chocolatehat · 08/10/2019 13:04

My DH has one sister and two brothers. One of the brothers is married. None of the siblings have children apart from my DH. They are now of an age where it is unlikely that they will ever have children.

DHs sister and SIL decided to organise an Easter holiday for all the siblings and the FIL and his wife.

They chose a villa in Madeira with an unfenced swimming pool. We said we couldn’t go because taking our autistic 4 year old and 10 month old twins on a four hour flight was too stressful and the swimming pool being unfenced would make us concerned.

They then changed the holiday to Cornwall. Single BIL told us we could now come on holiday. We asked if we can join but SIL phoned my DH and explained that even though there is space for us in the holiday home, the house is not child friendly. She also said that there is no point us staying nearby because the village is not child friendly??

FIL is wealthy and SIL talks about how much she dislikes him but wants to inherit. We are quite surprised that she wants to go on holiday with them at all.

I feel that they are excluding us because we have children but I cannot work out why. There is no backstory. We are not v.close but get along ok.

AIBU to feel upset?
Also any suggestions why they are doing this would be appreciated.

OP posts:
BarbedBloom · 08/10/2019 14:54

I suspect either she is annoyed you pulled out so they had to change to a UK holiday or when you mentioned the flights would be difficult, they realised the dynamics of an adult holiday wouldn't work with your young children.

Honestly, we don't have children and have been on one holiday with family member who had young kids and wouldn't do it again. They were up really early, went to bed early. They cried almost all night due to being in a strange place. Anywhere we went had to be child friendly and everything had to be scheduled around naps and early meal times. When we wanted to go out in the evening family member wasn't happy. It just disrupted the relaxed, adult break we all wanted and family member felt left out even with all the concessions.

You having children while all other siblings don't and like the child free lifestyle does probably mean you will be left out, which sucks. Sorry Flowers

Sleepinglemon · 08/10/2019 14:54

My theory is they didn't want to invite you in the first place because of the kids (I have a child, but other people's children can be really annoying), but felt they had to. When you refused the first option, that gave them free reign to exclude you from any subsequent options.

diddl · 08/10/2019 14:55

So you were invited to Madeira, said no thanks & explained due to flight & now aren't invited to Cornwall?

Would it be a long drive?

Would you be interested in staying nearby, doing your own thing & meeting up occasionally?

Is your husband interested in seeing his father/siblings all at the same time?

Juells · 08/10/2019 14:58

Perunatop We didn’t mention the pool or any other problems to them. We just said that the flights were too difficult for us.

That sounds different to what you said in your OP.

TBH you should view it as a lucky escape. You wouldn't relax for one second if you were on holiday with them, who the heck needs that kind of stress?

Oliversmumsarmy · 08/10/2019 15:01

They were up really early, went to bed early. They cried almost all night due to being in a strange place. Anywhere we went had to be child friendly and everything had to be scheduled around naps and early meal times

That isnt anything to do with the children and more to do with the adults.

My dc slept late, loved being in a different places and thought nothing of eating out at gone 11pm.
Just took along colouring books and a few small games to keep them out of mischief when eating out.

TetherEndReached · 08/10/2019 15:10

It's probably this village...

To be upset SILs have excluded us from family holiday?
BarbariansMum · 08/10/2019 15:12

That isn't anything to do with the children and more to do with the adults.

What a pile of crap. Do you really think we get a choice about whether our children are early risers, or fussy eaters, or are unsettled in strange places, or need a firm routine? You parent the child you have, not the one you want.

StroppyWoman · 08/10/2019 15:14

If it’s an adult-oriented holiday having babies and a preschooler there would ruin the holiday - no quiet mornings, out for long brunches or fancy meals, clifftop walks and artists galleries.
That would be hellish for the kids and spoil it for everyone.
You and DH have made different life choices to them so necessarily you won’t be able to do some things they do.

Could your DH leave you with the children for a couple of days to spend time with his siblings? And then give you a weekend away later on?

Original poster
Chocolatehat · 08/10/2019 15:36

Juells

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocolatehat · 08/10/2019 15:39

@Juells you are right I worded it badly. I was concerned about the pool but only told SIL we couldn’t go because of flights.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocolatehat · 08/10/2019 15:43

@diddl we are in London so quite a long drive. We have friends in Cornwall who have asked us to stay many times but we don’t know where SIL has booked and therefore don’t know how close it is to friends house.

OP posts:
TequilaPilates · 08/10/2019 15:43

It seems like they're trying to make a point hence the "it's not child friendly" comments after you declined the original holiday because the villa wasn't child friendly.

How was that handled? Did you remain on good terms or did it cause bad feeling?

KatherineJaneway · 08/10/2019 15:43

Sounds like they were upset at your initial refusal. Maybe they are not aware of the issues you face flying and see you as being a snowflake? Sometimes people with no children or child experience can't imagine some of the issues those with children face especially those with additional needs.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 08/10/2019 15:44

Another one whose had small children who are now big adults. Some child free people can be very selfish , probably not intentionally but simply because they haven’t had years of putting someone other than themselves first.

Saying that, I am with the Other posters who say they wouldn’t want to holiday with small children now. Personally I can think of nothing worse. There is a world of difference in bucket and spade and water park holidays and visiting historical places and having a leisurely dinner with no time restrictions in a fabulous restaurant with fancy food.

Don’t take it personally, book your own holiday and do your own thing.

BellyButton85 · 08/10/2019 15:45

Maybe you were only invited in the first place because they knew you'd say no with especially the ages of your children and them not having children so they've (by the sounds of it) changed their holiday plans because of one of them needing to and had to figure another excuse why you can't go because they don't want your children coming along. It's unfair but I can how children change the dynamics of an adult only holiday

Bouffalant · 08/10/2019 15:46

They probably just want a nice relaxing adult holiday.

It's not much fun for people without children to go on holiday with other people's children, it completely changes the dynamic and as soon as children are involved much of the holiday seems to need to revolve around them, especially when they are very young as yours are.

If i'm spending ££ on a holiday I wouldn't be too keen to spend it with small children.

LemonTT · 08/10/2019 15:52

London to Cornwall by car! I wouldn’t do that without children.

As a rule of thumb if as a group you aren’t able to discuss this stuff you won’t holiday well together.

ExecutiveFiat · 08/10/2019 15:55

Why on earth do you want to holiday with people who obviously don’t want you there?
Just take your children on holiday with your DH if you’re that desperate for a holiday.

Zeldasmagicwand · 08/10/2019 16:09

There are 2 clear possibilities in this scenario.

  1. If she's seriously worried about her future inheritance then she doesn't want FIL to build a relationship with his grandchildren and risk him leaving a large proportion directly to them rather than split it just between the siblings.
  1. The other option is that she doesn't want to holiday with young children and unless she's a devoted Aunty, I can't blame her. It's a completely different holiday if you have to factor in child friendly activities.

Do you really want to spend time on holiday with these people given you've admitted that you're not close? Or are you concerned about FIL's will too?

LovePoppy · 08/10/2019 16:12

She thinks you are overly precious about your children and doesn’t want you to ruin her holiday worrying about what is safe and what isn’t.

jay55 · 08/10/2019 16:18

I imagine the original holiday included you as a way to get costs down. You saying no thwarted those plans so they chose something cheaper and no longer needed your share of the costs so didn't invite you because they never wanted you to go, only your share,

Twisique · 08/10/2019 16:22

Talk to your FIL about it.

BubblesBuddy · 08/10/2019 16:23

I’m afraid I just think these people are not very close to you and don’t want to see you enough to be friendly towards your family. That’s not very family oriented but they are not this type of person.

I would make my own arrangements. No where in Cornwall is that far from anywhere unless you are Devon border to Lands End! Huge numbers of Londoners holiday in Cornwall with DC and drive there. Just stop part of the way down.

I’m sorry to say this, but these people would find holidaying with an autistic 4 year old a struggle. They are opting out by leaving you out and it’s hard for you.

Jux · 08/10/2019 16:38

Perhaps your mentioning that with young children you'd be concerned about the unfenced swimming pool made her think about what a holiday with small children could be like?

She may not have thought about it before, and may now be envisaging babies crying, small children screaming and needing supervision and so on. Even though I'm sure you and dh are capable of looking after them alone, there are inevitably going to be stresses for the adults over which you have little or no control. She could have decided she simply doesn't want to holiday with children.

BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs · 08/10/2019 16:40

Op have you spoken to the rest of the group? How did BIL that invited you to Cornwall react when you told him SIL had made it clear your family unit isn't welcome?