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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset SILs have excluded us from family holiday?

112 replies

Chocolatehat · 08/10/2019 13:04

My DH has one sister and two brothers. One of the brothers is married. None of the siblings have children apart from my DH. They are now of an age where it is unlikely that they will ever have children.

DHs sister and SIL decided to organise an Easter holiday for all the siblings and the FIL and his wife.

They chose a villa in Madeira with an unfenced swimming pool. We said we couldn’t go because taking our autistic 4 year old and 10 month old twins on a four hour flight was too stressful and the swimming pool being unfenced would make us concerned.

They then changed the holiday to Cornwall. Single BIL told us we could now come on holiday. We asked if we can join but SIL phoned my DH and explained that even though there is space for us in the holiday home, the house is not child friendly. She also said that there is no point us staying nearby because the village is not child friendly??

FIL is wealthy and SIL talks about how much she dislikes him but wants to inherit. We are quite surprised that she wants to go on holiday with them at all.

I feel that they are excluding us because we have children but I cannot work out why. There is no backstory. We are not v.close but get along ok.

AIBU to feel upset?
Also any suggestions why they are doing this would be appreciated.

OP posts:
diddl · 08/10/2019 13:36

Talk to someone about it!

Won't FIL want his only GC there?

Why is it all up to the SIL & not the siblings/father?

EmpressJewel · 08/10/2019 13:38

It probably is because you have children.

Their holiday 'wish lift' as child free adults is different to yours, as a family with young children and they have gone with what suits them.

They probably didn't consider your needs when booking the original villa and then when you raised the issue of the flight and pool, they probably realised that the dynamic of the holiday would be very different with young children and decided that you shouldn't attend.

Loveoddthings · 08/10/2019 13:39

They don’t want to holiday work you

I’m interested though why you want to holiday with her though?!

Teddybear45 · 08/10/2019 13:41

Your sil may have taken offence. Get your DH to call her and bottom it all out.

diddl · 08/10/2019 13:41

If Op, husband & kids aren't wanted, & I agree that it sounds as if they're not, I wonder why it was changed from Spain?

ChicCroissant · 08/10/2019 13:46

They may not have even thought about the first place being child friendly (or not, as the case may be) until you mentioned your concerns about the pool OP. Do you know what it is about this second house that they think is specifically not child-friendly?

Juells · 08/10/2019 13:47

Sounds to me like they cancelled when the OP raised objections about the flight and the pool etc., then realised that the holiday with children there would be a nightmare of trying to make rooms child-friendly, not being able to go to certain restaurants, feeling mean if they left OP and their brother at home when they wanted to do things that weren't child-friendly. My children are grown, and TBH I'd have no interest in going on a holiday that included small children.

Why not let your husband go on his own, do a like-for-like where he lets you go off on a child-free holiday with your own family?

Witchend · 08/10/2019 13:47

They obviously originally intended to include you as you were asked to the original holiday, so I doubt it's anything to do with the children.

However as others have said it may be more that what they are planning is not child friends, and having children around does change the dynamic.

As an aside, what do you reckon the proportion of threads in AIBU have twins involved? Seems to be far greater than roundpeople I know in RL.
Maybe that's a bit of research for someone. Do people become less tolerant of people with twins than singletons? Or is it that people with twins are more likely to post....
Can't someone manage triplets for once?

SleepingStandingUp · 08/10/2019 13:49

Surely if thry didn't want their nieces / nephews there they should have invited op and her family initially?

OP I think DH needs to be direct - tell his sister that you can manage with the house as you're used to child proofing and you're sure the village will be fine. If she wanted to exclude you but hadn't got the guts to own it, then she needs to grow up and be hoenst

MiddleClassProblem · 08/10/2019 13:50

SIL is not a sibling so I don’t see why she gets to dictate... One sibling at least wants you there so just bring it to them as a group. It’s not up to SIL

inwood · 08/10/2019 13:50

Maybe they don't wan't to holiday with small children. Mine are a bit older now and it is not my idea of a holiday that I spend good money on.

The dynamics just don't work imo.

unfortunateevents · 08/10/2019 13:51

How can an entire village not be "child-friendly"?! Is the entire place a giant retirement home? Not a single child living there?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 08/10/2019 13:52

She's pissed off with you!

DH should talk to his siblings and DF... see what they think is happening. Basically bounce it back at her.see what happens.

tenterden · 08/10/2019 13:52

OP I would hate to go on holiday with small children now mine are adults. It really isn't the same.

I don't think you should take offence.

Family holidays like that are always totally shit anyway, with everyone having to compromise......

adaline · 08/10/2019 13:53

They just don't want to go on holiday with small children - when they're not your own, it's very different.

A holiday with a 4yo and 10mo twins is not how I would choose to use my annual leave, I'm afraid.

LimpidPools · 08/10/2019 13:53

"The village is not child friendly" Hmm Grin
You'd imagine a few children even live in this village full time!

God knows what they're playing at OP. I think you should just ask them. They won't like it and you might very well not like the answer, but at least you could stop agonising over it.

mummmy2017 · 08/10/2019 13:54

You were asked, you said no.
Accept that for what it was...
If you want to go on holiday with them organise it.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/10/2019 13:55

DHs sister and SIL decided to organise an Easter holiday for all the siblings and the FIL and his wife if you don't want to holiday with kids that's obv fine but then don't pretend you do and then when thry say yes make up shot excuses to get out of it.

RubbingHimSourly · 08/10/2019 13:55

Take it from me. Holidaying with family is more trouble than it's worth..........more so if they're childless and you're the child owning funsponge.

KUGA · 08/10/2019 13:58

Note to self.
Don`t ever go with the nasty git again and tell her so.

TheNinkiestNonk · 08/10/2019 14:01

My DC's are older now but my nieces / nephews babies / toddlers.
We only have 1 holiday a year and I wouldn't want to spend it with young children. Maybe that's just how it is for them?

Monkeyplanet · 08/10/2019 14:03

I get why OP is upset. It's a family holiday but excluding one sibling and his family.

Personally I think they changed the holiday around for OP's benefit at PIL's request and SIL is pissed now so retaliating by not inviting them and telling everyone else OP is really picky about the holiday being child friendly and has decided not to come so we surely can't change the venue again

BlackCatSleeping · 08/10/2019 14:05

Oh, I missed that the 11-month-old was twins. Honestly, I wouldn’t want to go on a family holiday with such little ones either. It will not be fun at all.

ShirleyPhallus · 08/10/2019 14:07

Slightly different but a friend of a friend is a single mother and has twins about that age. She often wants to tag on to holidays / plans etc which is ok sometimes, but I wouldn’t want to do it for an extended period which I would want to view as a holiday but she sees as free childcare and always says “it’s so nice to get some help!”. she’s not really my friend so while I’m ok to help sometimes it certainly wouldn’t be my idea of a holiday.

Idontwanttotalk · 08/10/2019 14:08

I would tell single BIL what SIL said and see what he says. Presumably he said you'd now be able to come so isn't against you being there. From his response you may be able to guage whether SIL has said anything about not wanting you there.

I'd then want DH to speak to sister and to FIL. You need to know if they are all of a like mind or it has been presented to the others as a fait accomplis by the SIL.

They may not like it if they found out exactly what SIL said to your DH. I hope you find that is the case.

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