To be upset SILs have excluded us from family holiday?

[Chocolatehat]

My DH has one sister and two brothers. One of the brothers is married. None of the siblings have children apart from my DH. They are now of an age where it is unlikely that they will ever have children.

DHs sister and SIL decided to organise an Easter holiday for all the siblings and the FIL and his wife.

They chose a villa in Madeira with an unfenced swimming pool. We said we couldn’t go because taking our autistic 4 year old and 10 month old twins on a four hour flight was too stressful and the swimming pool being unfenced would make us concerned.

They then changed the holiday to Cornwall. Single BIL told us we could now come on holiday. We asked if we can join but SIL phoned my DH and explained that even though there is space for us in the holiday home, the house is not child friendly. She also said that there is no point us staying nearby because the village is not child friendly??

FIL is wealthy and SIL talks about how much she dislikes him but wants to inherit. We are quite surprised that she wants to go on holiday with them at all.

I feel that they are excluding us because we have children but I cannot work out why. There is no backstory. We are not v.close but get along ok.

AIBU to feel upset?
Also any suggestions why they are doing this would be appreciated.

She also said that there is no point us staying nearby because the village is not child friendly??

Is it Royston Vasey?

Your SiL is being a mean bitch.
Hardly surprising from someone who feels it's suitable to carp about her FiL & speculate about what inheritance he might benefit her with.

Why is it up to your SiL whether you go or not?
Can you not just discuss with the wider family, & make your own minds up?

Why did you mention inheritance?

I can't understand why you were invited to a foreign holiday, and then when you couldn't go because of the flights, they re-booked in the UK but then uninvited you!

Why do this? If they didn't want you there why

a) invite you on the original holiday, and

b) when you declined that invitation, why re-book somewhere that was better for you, and then not invite you along? Why not just keep the initial destination if Sunny Forrinland?

It's bizarre!

Have you done or said something to upset the SIL? Anything at all?

And how could an ENTIRE village not be child friendly? That's just stupid!

Maybe they just want an adults only holiday and young children would spoil the dynamic? I can see where she’s coming from - some places aren’t suitable for kids and the sort of activities they might be looking forward to might not be good for children. It’s ok to have an adults only break IMO. I’m sure you could arrange another trip with your in-laws if you want a child friendly holiday?

My interpretation is that you made too much of an issue with their first choice of holiday. People without children simply don't think of the sorts of things that concern parents of young children. Nowhere is ever likely to be perfect for three small children and they could not face listening to you complain about lack of child friendliness for the whole holiday. Sorry but i think you will enjoy a holiday with other families with children more. It isn't fair to expect a party of adults to gear their whole holiday around the children, which is the expectation you seem to have created.

@BertrandRussell I mentioned the inheritance because SIL talks at length about not liking FIL and his new wife and her fear that new wife will inherit everything. Given this fact, it seems odd that she wants to arrange a holiday that includes them.

@SchadenfreudePersonified SIL said they changed it to the U.K. because the costs were too high for the time and place they had chosen.

I think it's probably the kids Op - I do have children and yet wouldn't want to holiday with someone else's 4 year old and babies so I can only imagine that someone without kids definitely wouldn't want to. Sad for you and your DH, but I'd let it go. If you want a family holiday in future with extended family, then get your DH to organise it for somewhere that suits you guys & then you can choose who to invite.

I can understand why people who choose a child free life wouldn’t want to holiday with other people’s children

Isn’t this a family holiday for extended family.

I think they booked the villa with its unfenced pool and 4 hour flight knowing you wouldn’t come.

The holiday in Cornwall without you I think if sil is speculating on the contents of a will might be a way of painting you in a bad light so fil cuts your dh out completely.

I would book a place in the village just to annoy sil. Then make pointed jibes at how sil got it wrong and there was space on the accommodation and how friendly the village is.

I would love to know what makes a village not child friendly

Perunatop We didn’t mention the pool or any other problems to them. We just said that the flights were too difficult for us.

Why is it up to your SIl to decide who goes? Clearly one of the brothers has asked you to come?

Op I don't think you're being excluded at all.

When a group goes on a trip, you cater to the needs of the many so that the majority can join in.

As the only people with children, it was never going to be child friendly and to expect that is ridiculous.

When you couldn't do the first trip you should've said

"that all sounds lovely but I'm afraid we can't manage it. Have a lovely time though"

For a long time we were the only couple in our family with children and missed a few group thing alike this as it wasn't child friendly but didn't see why the others should bend their plans to suit us. We just missed it or left our children with someone for a few days.

Now that we all have children, it's not too bad.

SIL said they changed it to the U.K. because the costs were too high for the time and place they had chosen.

Ah - I see Chocolatehat.

In that case I think the poster who suggested they were relying on your contribution to afford it must be right - and your SIL is pissed with you for not wanting to go, and therefore condemning them to the hell of a UK holiday. (Nothing personal, Cornwall - I love your part of the world!).

She has taken it personally that instead of Mediterranean sunshine they are stuck in Britain. IT IS YOUR FAULT CHOCOLATEHAT !

(I don't know how you sleep at night . . . )

I can't imagine any holiday that could sensibly meet the needs of a large group of child free adults and a family with a 4 year old and 10 month old twins. What activities do you think you'd all do together, surely everything would be dictated by the needs of the children.

You raising concerns re the kids & flights & pool safety made them realise they'd be more relaxed without children there as they're all childless. Family holidays are a minefield anyway. Be glad you won't have to be tiptoeing around adults who don't enjoy kids.

When a group goes on a trip, you cater to the needs of the many so that the majority can join in bit surely you tell everyone what the option is andet THRM decide if it's suitable for them. It's pretty patronising to tell OP that SIL has decided the place she chose isn't suitable and in fact the WHOLE VILLAGE HATES CHILDREN or near enough

I guess if the OP and family book nearby then the whole holiday would have to be modified to include them. It'd be pretty mean to encourage them to book then ignore them for the whole week.

Perhaps the original place was booked assuming you’d share the cost, then got changed to a less expensive place. SIL May have booked a non child friendly place, assuming you weren’t coming, or deciding a child free holiday was preferable. Sorry for your and DH’s hurt feelings, though. I would ask her directly, as sometimes misunderstandings lead to hurt feelings and she was hurt by you saying no to the original holiday.

Unfortunately I'd guess that having done one round of how the needs of three very small children won't fit the plans, your SIL isn't keen for round two.

I can see both sides. Yes, it's hurtful that you were invited and now you're not, and that a family holiday is not including all the siblings, and you are part of that family as are your children. I fully sympathise with how you feel. It's also necessarily the case that when small children are in the party plans have to pretty much revolve around them and their needs, or else the parents end up exhausted and isolated from not being able to go everywhere and do everything and trying to keep the children coping in the situation. The latter is miserable for everyone, the former is limiting to a group of adults wanting to enjoy a relaxing, uncomplicated holiday doing adult things.

I'm sorry I agree the best thing is probably to take FiL away yourself with your family holiday, and plan something you, dh and the children will really enjoy, that best suits you all with ease of managing three very little ones, and where FiL can really enjoy them.

I agree with @AryaStarkWolk, your other BIL has asked you to come so it's clearly not a view taken by the group as a whole. I don't think the entire group feel the same as your SIL. And it's meant to be a holiday for the extended family which should include your dh and his family. I appreciate that some child free adults don't want to holiday with kids but from what I can tell this is the first holiday as a group so it's not as if they've had enough of year after year of your children ruining their holidays. I think there is more to it and that your kids are an easy excuse.
A lot of holiday homes are not family friendly but then you often just give them a call to say there are young kids and most holiday cottage owners have safety gates and travel in storage to be used for such an occasion.
However, I also agree that these holidays can be awful and your SIL could be doing you a favour.
If your dh is upset, he needs to speak to one of his siblings or his dad to sort it .

If you SIL doesn't have kids, her perspective of what is child friendly may be different to yours. Maybe she's seeing cliffs and a Michelin chef, whilst you'd be looking at the pub lunches and soft play also in the area.

She might be a cow, but how many people really want to go on hols with other people's kids? It changes the dynamic entirely.

Sounds like a holiday from hell, especially with very small children.
Do your own thing with your own family, not forgetting to post all your lovely photo's on fb.

I can't see why you would actually want to go on holiday with them really.

It's a group of adults who don't spend much time with young children. What they want from a holiday and what you want is just going to be so far apart from each other that I really can't see that it would be enjoyable.

There have been plenty of posts on here about couples with young children being pissed off that the child free adults they have chosen to go on holiday surprisingly want to do non child friendly activities whilst they are away.

Save yourself the stress and book a nice child friendly break for you, your DH and children. Ask your PILs if you want but I really can't see how such a big, mixed group would work.

I will confess though that group holidays is my absolute idea of hell. I don't want to spend my precious holiday time compromising or waiting around for others. My DH and children are the only people I want to spend that much time with.

Op what do you plan to do for evenings out, not child friendly activities , etc? You have 3 young children, as many have said that they wouldn't do it either. I dont think they are doing anything wrong. I can guarantee that you would have found a list of complaints If you had gone about how they were not understanding because you have children. You are not going to be able to do much anyway with 3 small children in tow if you and DH found the travelling there a challenge in the first place. it would have put a damper on for everyone else.

They obviously want an adult only holiday. They are perfectly entitled to want this. I wouldn’ want to go away with kids.