To not want my children to go to a private school

[TooLaidBack27]

Very big discussions with DP about future school for our DCs. DC1 is 9 and we have started thinking about it. DP wants to try get her into private, whereas I think we do not have enough money. It is £17k a year. DP earns £50k, but that involves lots of weekend and evening work for him, I only work part-time and take home £12k. We live in London, have a mortgage, good car, go on holiday twice a year, have savings, but definitely are not "rolling in it". DP thinks that we somehow could make it happen, I am sure we can not afford it, as £17k is just bare minimum, not including school trips, expensive uniforms and school lunch is £250 per month! Yet, DP just called me too laid back and not wanting the best for my children :( He even said that I could do full-time- not sure how's going to work, as we have younger DC2, who just started primary school.
I understand where he is coming from, but really can not allow to put us in financially unstable position and agree with his grandiose plans.
AIBU or is he?

OP: you say there are no good state schools in your area. If that is really the case, trying to get a bursary for a good independent school is your best bet.

These days, scholarships at many schools are worth less than they used to be, with schools instead putting the money into bursaries. Look around to see what schools there are, and check their websites for info on bursaries.

I'm going to buck the trend and say go for it but only on the proviso your kids get substantial bursaries and I'm not sure how easy that is these days.
For info I come from a working class background and had an assisted place (back when they were around )to an academically selective private school as did my sibling. For the record the scheme meant there was a mix of people of quite varied backgrounds at the school and we never felt like the poor relations. In fact I felt quite well off compared to some of my peers.
My parents worked in very blue collar jobs and left school at 14 and still made huge sacrifices to send my brother and I. But I really think in terms of where we would have gone - sink secondary modern - it was worth it. We became the first of our entire family ever to go to university and top ones at that and are both doing well in our fields. It's all very well saying go to the local comp or tutor yourself but that's so much harder if the local comp is incredibly poor and there is little other choice and you were poorly educated yourself. I
n fact I'm sick of people from incredibly middle class backgrounds, who enjoyed lovely cars and trips to Disneyland throughout their childhoods, crowing virtuously about their 'state' education at the sort of establishments that had probably never seen a kid on free school meals. I would say however as a caveat that while my parents really gave up a lot to send us - the assisted places meant that they could afford it and we still could have gone had they lost their jobs. I would strongly advise you to only consider private if there is a safe guard of that kind in place - otherwise if you possibly can move to an area with better schools.

I think it would be a struggle on your earnings, but if you were thinking of going back to work, could you not apply for a role within the school? Chances are you will receive a rebate off fees, and you'll be working term time only (or possibly only a few days during the holidays) so wouldn't have a huge childcare cost over the holidays. If it's something you both want, there are ways to at least try!

You could apply for a bursary on that income. We got a good bursary for one of our dc and our income was slightly higher than yours. We earn more now and so pay more fees but it’s been worth every penny to send them to private school.

You can’t afford it. (We can’t on a higher income.) Also, I think it would be very tough on the children knowing that they were the reason for money being so tight at home. Plus never doing school trips etc etc.

There are many wonderful state secondaries, if the problem is that you’re not near one then maybe think about moving house? Would be much cheaper than private school.

Not worth it, in my view - unless your state options are really awful for your oldest but somehow won't be for your younger two (e.g. different state options for different genders). Spend any spare you have on tutors for subjects that your oldest is either struggling in or could do with some extra challenge in, or on other enriching activities (music, sport, art, expeditions, etc.). And enjoy the fact that you're making ends meet.
One of our 3 went private due to different school options for different genders. We're very happy with his school in general, but even so have had to shell out for a tutor for maths because the school has had a staffing crisis in that subject. Private doesn't always guarantee better quality teaching. It does guarantee more motivated kids in lower sets and slightly more options to stretch the higher sets, but a supportive family can get around those issues anyway.
The only kid I know who got straight 9s at GCSE (and so did several of her classmates) went to a London state school.
We've experienced very little difference at sixth form, providing parents are prepared to put in lots of help with uni research, personal statement writing etc. In fact anecdotally we know more bright kids who've underperformed at sixth form in the private sector, although I'm not saying that would generally be the case.
Our DS currently at private will go to a state sixth form college.

Are you sure that there are no good schools at all in your area? How bad are they? Usually you'd expect the comps to be terrible only if there are grammars creaming off the brightest. London generally has pretty good secondary provision.

And our joint income is higher than yours by a little, and we have no mortgage. School fees for two DC's would not be doable for us without significant sacrifices that we would not be willing to make I'm afraid.

There are a lot of other costs on top of term fees

Unfortunately in SE London the best schools apart from one I can think of you need to be living in a very small very expensive catchment area

I would move out to Kent and try and get in a grammar hard to get into but the better private schools are also very hard to get in to the vast majority of children are tutored just few parents are honest about this

Move close to outstanding state schools. Woodcote in croydon is brilliant. So are Langley, Hayes and bullers wood in Bromley. With that sort of incomes, I’d never consider private schools.

It would be affordable with a bursary. I know families who have had 3 children receive bursaries and their family income was no higher than yours. So it's entirely possible, if that's what you decide.

Move next to good schools. You can't afford private and this is the best option for you.

Christ no, we bring home double that and have one child, and we in no way in he’ll could afford to send her through private school. The fees alone increase year by year & with south east house prices & commuting there is next to nothing left. It’s never £17 k a year, it’s uniforms, lunches, trips, being the poor relation. Move to another area with great state schools like Bucks/Kent and the commuting costs will be far lower and won’t be an millstone round your neck like private school would be

On that income with 3 kids you can't possibly afford it. I can't see how it can be possible?

@ ambereeree you realise that around london, moving next to a good school can be more expensive than going private? (for us - 2 kids - it comes out at about the same....)

Leaving aside all other considerations (moral, social etc.) it's an incredibly poor use of your money at your level of income.

It will mean huge sacrifices that will likely have a FAR bigger impact on your DC's wellbeing and opportunities overall. You'll be literally scrimping and saving, when otherwise you could enjoy a far better standard of living which includes extra opportunities and experiences for them - activities, holidays, tutoring, living in a nicer house/area. Instead of losing absolutely everything else just for the school, which will likely be better in some ways and probably not at all better/nicer/more life changing in others... and factor in that it generally isn't great to be the 'poor kid' at a private school...

I get that schooling may be an issue but the answer is to move. Not to literally cut your family off at the knees to pay for a school.