To not want my children to go to a private school

[TooLaidBack27]

Very big discussions with DP about future school for our DCs. DC1 is 9 and we have started thinking about it. DP wants to try get her into private, whereas I think we do not have enough money. It is £17k a year. DP earns £50k, but that involves lots of weekend and evening work for him, I only work part-time and take home £12k. We live in London, have a mortgage, good car, go on holiday twice a year, have savings, but definitely are not "rolling in it". DP thinks that we somehow could make it happen, I am sure we can not afford it, as £17k is just bare minimum, not including school trips, expensive uniforms and school lunch is £250 per month! Yet, DP just called me too laid back and not wanting the best for my children :( He even said that I could do full-time- not sure how's going to work, as we have younger DC2, who just started primary school.
I understand where he is coming from, but really can not allow to put us in financially unstable position and agree with his grandiose plans.
AIBU or is he?

What are his reasons for wanting your child to go to private school? I don't want to sound unkind but if it's a status thing... your child won't thank him. You simply don't earn enough money to afford it, and that'll be horribly obvious when it comes to holidays and parties and school trips.

If it's that your child is hugely gifted in one area then scholarships and bursaries may help but I think under almost any circumstances it would be a real stretch. I went to private school, as did my father as grandmother, by my children won't. Despite a six figure household income, the truth is that we can't afford it!

There is no way you can afford private school on that income.

That’s really impressive you live in London on a combined wage of 62k and are thinking about private schools. We have a higher household income by a fair bit and are in London own our own house and have a nice car, holidays ect but I don’t know where an extra 17k would come from for private schools for us so I can’t Imagine how you can find it on 62k combined. I think you would struggle to find the extra but only you know your budget.

Where have you gone OP?
And what are your views on private education in principle?

My personal view is that you really do not have a sufficient income unless your DH works those extra hours at weekends etc.
I personally believe that quality family time is also important. With the extra money saved, you could always have extra private tuition if necessary

I absolutely wouldn’t on that salary. I’m a teacher and we get half fees on an income twice yours with a small mortgage and we find it a struggle. I’ve seen kids at my school have to withdraw as parents didn’t fully think through the financial implications and it’s very disruptive.

The OP cannot afford private school without help, but there are bursaries around, and with their income they should qualify.

The bigger question is whether it is worth going private at all, and the answer to that will depend on the quality of schools in the area, both state and private. It is not the case that all private schools are better than all state schools.

Not a chance I’d be spending out on private with those numbers op. It really really isn’t worth it.

I am very much pro private schooling; however, I think this would really stretch you. Also, it wouldn't be fair not to send your other children to private school when the eldest had been. How about sending her to an ordinary state school but perhaps send her to private 6th Form which would 'polish' her and round off her schooling?

I'd be surprised if they qualify for bursaries on their income. It's not my experience having done some work in this area, admittedly some years ago. Independent schools are looking to help the most disadvantaged able children access their benefits. You might get some help from schools set up to benefit the children of people from a certain profession or walk of life, if you qualify.

I don't think you can afford it. You'd be better spending the money moving to the catchment area of a really good state school if you're not in one already.

At the moment I don’t think you could afford it - there are so many extras! DS1 has just started year 7 and on top on fees we’ve paid over well over 2k in extras/school iPad already. Option of 2 trips next term, both around 3k. Plus the increase each year, the costs are eye watering!

you CANNOT afford it OP. We can't afford it and we bring in more than that.
I went to private school. My parents didn't pay the fees (RAF paid) and STILL struggled to pay the extras.

Which state secondaries would you be looking at for your DC? I've spent a lot of time in various London secondary schools and there's a vast variety, from one where I (memorably) had sixth formers who struggled to identify oceans and continents on a map, through to some really impressive state schools where the kids were bright and hard working.

IMHO, however, the greatest 'added value' of private schools comes in the sixth form. Could you compromise with your DH that you'll start saving now for a private sixth form (allowing for above inflation fee increases) and send her to a decent state school for now?

There are very good state schools in my area.
St Olaves
Newstead Woods
Chislehurst and Sidcup
There's another one, I've forgotten what it's called

There's a lot of competition for entry but I know several people whose children went there, not all living in the immediate area.

Thank you, Everyone, for your input. As I thought, I AMNBU In wanting a life for myself and family without financial struggle. There are no good schools in our area (SE London). My DP is an immigrant, who is very driven and competitive- I think this urge to push yourself to the limit stems from when he came here and had to work hard. While I absolutely admire this, I think to put ourselves through many more years of private schooling (we have 2 children) and 'sacrifice' our comforts and little 'luxuries' is an unnecessary madness.

SE London has some very good state schools - can you move? There are also Grammar schools accessible from SE London - check out the elevenplusexams forum.

Where are you in SE London. Bromley is full
Of good schools and if you are 9 miles from new stead wood grammar you can try there. Not sure on bexley grammar catchments but have a look. My dh earns more and we couldn't justify private for secondary!!

You can’t afford it (except child gets a stipend).
we earn more, have 2 a private school, and its a struggle. we have no choice though as oldest can’t cope with the (massive) state schools around here, and moving would mean giving up jobs, so would be even more expensive.

we earn more than that and don't live in london and we wouldn't be able to afford that without seriously compromising and affecting DS life quality in other ways! and yes i agree that 17k is just the start of it. and that's every single year!

Most academies are semi-private now any way. You pay for uniform, books, equipment, revision materials, food etc. Private schools often offer all the basics as part of one payment with extras as you see fit.

You cannot afford that school without a bursary. Do look at all the options though, that's expensive, it's £10k here

Maybe you could compromise. Use state until GCSE's and private 6th form?

Nah
Labour is getting in at the next election,so seriously don’t waste your money x

We earn triple your joint income in London and have written private school off as not possible.

I went to a private school and I don’t think it did me any favours. The school was ok, but because it was selective I was in the bottom set for most things (I was averagely intelligent), which really knocked my confidence. Also I do think you would need to be able to afford it for both children.

You can't afford it. Tell your DP that if your daughter can get a scholarship then he should go for it. That's the only way me and my brother were able to go to private school- he got a full scholarship, and I got a half. But when our other sibling failed to get a scholarship, my parents pulled us all out of the school for sibling solidarity reasons- as they couldn't have afforded to send our other sibling without a scholarship.

That's another thing to think about. I don't think you could afford to even send 1 child. But if you managed to scrape by sending 1, then are you happy for your children to go to different schools?

And I'm the child of an immigrant so I get the added pressure on education. But your husband needs to be realistic. My parents took us out of school for a month to study for the scholarship exams. Homeschooled us when one us was falling behind with school work. That's more affordable for your family- you don't have the money and may never have the money. But you have the time to tutor and help your children academically no matter how bad the state school they end up in. That's more than can be said for a lot of families where both parents work full time. I'd focus on making the most of what you have to maximise your children's education. And although we all did our GCSEs and A levels in a shockingly bad state school, we all got straight As and A*s so anything is possible with the right parental involvement.