To not want my children to go to a private school

[TooLaidBack27]

Very big discussions with DP about future school for our DCs. DC1 is 9 and we have started thinking about it. DP wants to try get her into private, whereas I think we do not have enough money. It is £17k a year. DP earns £50k, but that involves lots of weekend and evening work for him, I only work part-time and take home £12k. We live in London, have a mortgage, good car, go on holiday twice a year, have savings, but definitely are not "rolling in it". DP thinks that we somehow could make it happen, I am sure we can not afford it, as £17k is just bare minimum, not including school trips, expensive uniforms and school lunch is £250 per month! Yet, DP just called me too laid back and not wanting the best for my children :( He even said that I could do full-time- not sure how's going to work, as we have younger DC2, who just started primary school.
I understand where he is coming from, but really can not allow to put us in financially unstable position and agree with his grandiose plans.
AIBU or is he?

I’m another “don’t do it”. I went to private school - I enjoyed it, though a lot of the teaching was crap. I was lucky - I had local friends who didn’t care about the fact I was at “posh school” (they knew it wasn’t my choice). They all got similar / better exam results - so save your money. The kids I really felt sorry for were the ones who didn’t have friends at the local comp - and then the recession kicked in and they had to leave private school. And yes, they were bullied. If you can’t guarantee you can put both DC through until they’re both 18 just don’t go there. Save them a Uni / life fund. They’ll thank you for it.

Friends did this but had a partial scholarship for one child and grandparents funded the other one. They couldn't afford it and eventually they moved to a smaller house and were hard up for years.

I'm not sure the children benefited all that much but it's hard to judge yet.

No, don't do that. It's not only the school fees but as you said uniforms, trips, events and activities. Then she would want to fit in with her classmates as well which would be expensive. Other thing you need to consider is that will you be able to do this for your other kids? If not then definitely don't do it. Instead help her prepare for full scholarship in grammar schools if they are close to you or if in a public school then pay for tutors and extra help where she needs it.

I think you could manage one child's fees between you, OP, but not two. It also depends on you both being absolutely wedded to the idea, as you would probably have to give up other things (I gave up holidays - and I mean completely gave them up: I haven't had even a night in a Travelodge since my DC went to school; the car; moved to a smaller house with considerably lower outgoings, etc). I'm not complaining: that was our choice. But XH and I were both completely committed to independent schools right from the outset, which helps.

FWIW, independent schools all have second hand uniform shops (in my experience). Parents also hand stuff around a lot; very few people buy new, unless they have no choice. School trips are not compulsory (mine don't go on them: too bad). Lunches unfortunately are .

That's a lot of money. £7.82367495 per term, might be easier to think of it like that. Then you have two younger ones who your husband will presumably want to be given the same when they reach the age. The fees do seem very high for a child of nine.

Does your husband hope your son will receive a better education at that school which will enable him to pass an exam to get into a grammar school at 11? If there are grammar schools near you. I know a lot of people do that and it's understandable, there are also bursaries for independent schools which take into account the fact that you have other children as well as your income, worth considering.

Weigh it up carefully and don't just look at one school; see if there are any insurance policies you could cash in to help with fees or if grandparents are prepared to shell out.

If the school your son attends at the moment has good results, maybe it's worth waiting until he moves up to 'big' school before considering fee paying.

what happens with the other dc when they get to that age? better to find best state school & pay for dc to extra curricular art/music/sport coaching outside school - he wont have local friends & these schools always have extra curricular expenses that add up - & do spread sheet on how much child care will cost (especially over the school holidays) for your other dc

That’s over a quarter of your current income and I sorry but I find that too high.

We are hopefully sending DD private but it will be under 10% of our income (that’s with me PT and I will phase up hours so even with increased yearly fees it should never be more than 10%); for context we have very little left on mortgage and no other debt plus have savings.

It will go up every year, 5% for my DS. That is without the increase they put in year on year dependant on age. Then school trips which can reach 2k. Unless you can get a bursary or serious scholarship I would say no.

I agree, you can't afford it. Don't forget that private schools have much longer holidays, so what would your DD be doing in those if you're having to work longer to pay her fees? Plus all the out of school stuff, school trips, etc - it's not just the fees.
Also, your DD will only qualify for the minimum student loan and you may want to help her avoid too much student debt when and if that time comes, so you and she would be better off long term if you save up for that (for all 3 of them) than pay private school fees. Honestly, the right support and atmosphere at home can be just as beneficial as a private school.

Hi OP

My husband earns 70k and I earn 40k and I think it would be a stretch for us (and we have no debt and a modest lifestyle, and fees are cheaper than yours). I dont think you can afford it sorry. If you pay it you are going to have to retire years later than you otherwise could and might miss out on seeing grandchildren etc.

There are other ways to help your child -
Tutor them yourselves, educational visits etc
Get private tutors in subjects they are struggling in
Move into a better catchment area if local schools are crap
Put the money towards further education eg a masters or PhD or post doc
Fund a year out doing work experience or learning a language abroad
Put the money towards a house deposit for them to get them on the ladder younger
Put the money towards a business if they ever want to start one.

Have you looked at bursaries? Your household may earn more than the threshold but you may be able to get partial help

I went to private school on a full fees scholarship, but there are soooooo many hidden extras on top of just the fees that even though my mum paid NOTHING for school fees, she still found it very expensive to send me there ....

School uniform - normally from a specialist shop so extortionate prices

V expensive school trips

Shorter school terms - so you will be paying a lot for holiday childcare

School meals - v pricey.

Friends - most of my friends parents were loaded - so things like weekend trips to theme parks, concerts etc.. were nothing to them - but v expensive for us.

Music lessons

After school sports clubs (think about the cost of the kit too, and ferrying children around the country to events, galas, matches etc..)

The constant charity events and pressure to 'donate' to this, that and the next thing ...

the list is actually really long. I think the donating to charity thing was especially tough. I remember my mum having a bit of a melt down after yet another letter from school asking for (some ridiculous amount of) money for a school event, for 'charity'.

I get where you DH is coming from. I'd love my boys to go private. But I think these days you have to have some serious money for it to work. It is so so much more than just the school fees, and much more expensive than it was say, 20 years ago.

I don't see how you can make those numbers work. It's just not realistic. And if you manage it for a couple of years and then can't anymore, that's going to be harder on the child than never going in the first place.

Even if you manage it for the first kid, what about the younger? Do they not get the same? You can’t even afford it for the one, there is no way you can for more than one.

Your kids will grow up a lot happier and well balanced if they come from a financially stable home without the constant pressure and worry about money and affording school fees. Do not underestimate the feeling of inadequacy they will experience being the ‘poor’ kids in a private school.

I share the view of others that it is not feasible financially without precluding your children from accessing additional activities or having music lessons; being coached in a sport or two; and having support with things like driving lessons in the future. The sacrifice will be too great and your children will not have a sufficiently rounded experience, which is possible within your means, given such limited residual funds after school fees. They’d be far better off in a state school with family trips to museums; National Trust membership; organised group activities like Scouts, St Johns Ambulance; and having the means to pursue interests and hobbies.

It will mean finding 105k plus over seven years. If family can help that might be a solution. I just calculated putting our three through cost over 300k. Gawd that is the price of a house in our area.

Unless you’re going to come on and say you’ve got no mortgage and have a secret trust fund then no you can’t afford it. I have a family member who went down the private route when they didn’t have the money. It didn’t end well for the children.

As you have DC2, you will need to factor in whether you will be able to have DC2 privately educated as well.

My DP mulled over sending my DS (younger) to a private school, which was something that they hadn't considered for me. Although they decided against it, I remember feeling very hurt at the time and it did affect my relationship with DS for some time afterwards.

I agree with @oknowimscared save the money for a uni fund instead. If they are bright and work hard, they’ll be successful without a private education. This comes from someone who was earning 6 figures by the time they were 30 and had a state education.
I also won’t be sending my children to private school.

I just want OP to come back and tell us what her husband’s plan for the second child is.

Yeah, maybe you could afford £17K - can’t actually tell without your outgoings. But £35K? No, you can’t.

Agree with PP. 17k a year can be much better spent in extra tutoring, extra curriculars, as well as having a saving fund for university or a deposit for a first home.

For what it's worth, I attended independent schools all my life. State schools in my country are among the worst in the world, though, so I understand why my parents got me sitting all those exams for bursaries because there was no way we could have afforded it otherwise. We're all in agreement that if there were a decent state school nearby, we wouldn't have bothered with independent.

The difference in wealth is also quite staggering.

I went to private school in the 90s. So IT still relatively in its infancy.

One family donated an almost new, fully functioning COMPUTER complete with monitor, joysticks etc... to the jumble sale. We didn't even have a colour TV in our house at the time!! I remember just being in complete shock that someone could give away something to a school jumble sale, that would have cost months and months of my mum's wages.

My school was ok. I never felt like the 'poor kid' and was always included. But I did find the while experience baffling and would have rather been at a state school with other kids like me.

We managed it from reception to year 8 (year 11 for dd) 2 kids, joint income of £60k, secondary fees £9k each) but we live in the North with hardly any mortgage.

We pulled Ds out when it wasn’t working for him (school were rubbish when it came to asd) and I have to admit it’s nice having the extra money.

If the worry is your children won't get the best education in a school (that is not private) it may be a better idea to get them a tutor alongside school. It would work out cheaper and they would be getting a better education xx

No chance... that's more than a third of you net household income
So unless mortgage free you cant afford it without some sort of bursary