To not want my children to go to a private school

[TooLaidBack27]

Very big discussions with DP about future school for our DCs. DC1 is 9 and we have started thinking about it. DP wants to try get her into private, whereas I think we do not have enough money. It is £17k a year. DP earns £50k, but that involves lots of weekend and evening work for him, I only work part-time and take home £12k. We live in London, have a mortgage, good car, go on holiday twice a year, have savings, but definitely are not "rolling in it". DP thinks that we somehow could make it happen, I am sure we can not afford it, as £17k is just bare minimum, not including school trips, expensive uniforms and school lunch is £250 per month! Yet, DP just called me too laid back and not wanting the best for my children :( He even said that I could do full-time- not sure how's going to work, as we have younger DC2, who just started primary school.
I understand where he is coming from, but really can not allow to put us in financially unstable position and agree with his grandiose plans.
AIBU or is he?

I would only send them if they were struggling in comprehensive. Otherwise they would benefit much more from £17k of food and fun.

No one wants to be the poorest kid at a private. Smart, well behaved kids can do very well at most schools.

Although I don't see what your kid being in primary school has to do with you not working full-time. Most people with kids work full time

You can’t afford two sets of school fees on that income OP and you would presumably want to give DC2 the same opportunity? You are absolutely correct.

I don’t think you can afford it. At least not without a bursary (and/or a scholarship). The fees are probably more than £17k further up the school (they tend to be tiered and go up a in Y9, and again in Y12) and you have to budget for around a 5% increase in fees each year. The trips aren’t cheap - although most of the really expensive ones are optional (e.g. skiing, sports tours). I think you need to budget around £500 per year for trips.

Unless your local state schools are seriously bad, then I don't see how the reduction in quality of life is justifiable.

I get where your DH is coming from, but I don't think it's affordable on those income levels. It'll be £17k fees + lunches, clubs, uniforms, events. Fees rise every year by a few percent too, and worth considering VAT might be added in the future.

Maybe look into bursaries/scholarships and work out which your DC would be a contender for. If you put in the effort for 11+ and ramp up the matching extra-curriculars, then you might be able to get a good discount on fees. It's a lot of pressure on DC though, and costly with tutoring and lots of clubs etc.

There is no way those sums make sense. Is the £50k is before tax?!

We have a higher household income than you and don't live anywhere near London but there is no way we could cover all our outgoings and have any sort of holidays/days out if we had to pay for private fees too. And we absolutely couldn't manage it for multiple dc! The money involved is staggering.

That said, I am pro state education and my dc are happy and thriving in their state schools and I have no concerns about them attending our local state secondary either.

If I had £17k per year to burn I'd be spending it on maximising our family time and travelling with the dc, indulging their extra and co curricular interests rather than paying for just one member of the family to go to a private school.

You could apply for a bursary on that income if your child has something to offer ie; musical prowess, top academics or sports. What is your dh envisaging for dc2 educationally? You're looking at £20K annually which is just under £1900 a month. Are there Grammar schools nearby or in a neighbouring County?

I’m not sure how he thinks it’s possible either. If you send both it’s nearly all his salary on school fees.

It doesn't seem likely you could afford it on those salaries

Instead why not put money aside for extra tuition to complement a state education if you feel there are any particular problem areas? They could both have a weekly tutor whilst in state school for a fraction of the cost of a private education.

Although I don't see what your kid being in primary school has to do with you not working full-time. Most people with kids work full time.

Either way you can't afford it. Your DP is on an OK wage for his age but he's hardly rolling in it

I don't think you can afford it. Our household income is more than twice yours and we won't commit to that financial commitment. Private school fees will also rise. Put your money into extra tuition in the areas your children need more support.

From your income and cost figures you can't afford it. Your children would likely feel like the 'poor kids' anyway, with others from wealthier backgrounds off (OK I'm being stereotypical here...) on skiing holidays and the like...

Why would you want to anyway. I went to a bog-standard comprehensive and did fine, socially and academically. I went to a Russell Group university and got 2 degrees and a good job. So did my brother, so did my partner and most of my friends.

The people I know who went to public schools from work and university have turned out no better educated, better rounded or in better jobs than the vast majority of the rest of us who went through the state system.

Sorry OP - on those figures you can’t afford it.

Plus, think what you could do with all the money you save - you could help pay your kids through university, you could take them on holidays of a lifetime, you could contribute to the deposit on their first home, you could help them in so many other ways...

Why don’t you just pay for some additional tutoring for them in weaker subjects instead?
I went to private school and resented it every step of the way. All my friends went to the local high school and I was stuck with a load of snobby cows I didn’t ever fit in with. didn’t have any friends and was very lonely at school.

You have three children. You cannot afford this. You are right and your DH is delusional.

On the face of it, you would struggle to afford it (especially if you have more than one child you are thinking of educating privately). You could apply for a bursary- many schools do offer them and may make costs more manageable if you were successful in your application.

But, if you aren’t keen on private school on principal, or have access to good local state schools, then I can see why you would baulk at the cost (with or without a bursary). Your DP is not unreasonable to try to access what he believes to be the best education available locally. But if he think this is the best option he needs to sit down with you and show how you can afford it- if he can show it. If not, and you aren’t eligible for a bursary (and possibly even if you are), then at least you’ll both be clear on what is, or is not, an option.

You can't afford it. Unless you and your DH are anticipating exponential pay increases over the next few years.

Why is he so keen? What are the state schools like near you? What advantage does he think private will give your child? And how about your child? Are they the kind that need the smaller class size and attention from a private school? Or are they doing well and should continue to do so at a state school? Are the exam results markedly better at the private school? Is your child likely to go into a career that requires really top grades for uni? Does your child have the aptitude?
Rather than concentrating solely on the ‘how’, ask about the ‘why’.

I’ll go against the grain and say you can afford one but not 2.

You full time is £12k.

Holiday/ car cutback makes the other £5k.

It’s still a bigger disposable income after fees than most!

If you think about it slightly differently, if you can, indeed, afford £17k a year by really cutting everything else to the quick, that'll buy you any tuition/tutoring, music lessons, fancy sports hobbies you want for BOTH your kids with enough left over for you to still be able to go on holiday and actually enjoy family life.

Try to get him to identify why he thinks private is better and then point out how to fill those gaps in state provision. (I don't believe in the better class of friends arguments for private schools - there are plenty of posh wankers - see downing Street for an example)

Do trial year , where you save 17k+ extras

And decide after that

Do you have £1,500 spare at the end of each month?

Are state schools dire where you live?

To pay £17,000 net you'd need to earn about £23,000 gross x 2 = £46,000 which would wipe out the majority of your husbands income.

Can you afford the mortgage and bills plus additional school expenses on what's left?

It doesn't sound possible sorry and it would be awful to have to take them out of the system at a certain point if you found it was not viable.

It is good you are thinking about all the extras as they are numerous. Having said that many schools do have bursaries that cover around 1/3 of the cost. Those aren't the same as the scholarships for the brightest students, but to make private schooling more 'affordable' for average families.

Having said that, putting 3 children through private school and I will assume Uni, will be catastrophic and dare I say not possible on your wage. Probably is possible for one with some thinning out of the budget (1 hols a year etc.) but that's not your situation.

Even if you went full time which many mothers do to afford it, would you be able to afford fees for all your DC?

I hope his job doesn’t involve maths, because it’s completely obvious that he can’t add up. You have two children. You’d be spending your entire household income on school fees. Just tell him to come up with a budget that shows how it would work.