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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is a selfish lazy so and so!

100 replies

Ribbon14 · 07/10/2019 21:07

Hi all,

Sorry this could turn into quite a rant...

My husband is driving me insane quite frankly. We've been married 2.5 years both quite young (I'm 26, he's 27). He works 15 mins from home in a 9-5 job and I am self employed as a private tutor and work approx. 25hrs a week. Last year I was diagnosed with a chronic incurable bowel disease which has been physically and mentally difficult. I am still frequently ill but push myself to carry on as much as I can.

So on top of my teaching, I do 90% of the housework and deal with all issues in the house and take responsibility for everything. He literally has no initiative and leaves me to deal with everything and has to be told to do stuff...

His day would be get up at 8, take the dog out for a wee, eat breakfast and leave for work. Come home, cook dinner that I will have either prepared earlier or put something in oven, then chill....

He refuses to do any housework in the evening and I feel like he takes advantage of me working at home. Today we've had a leak and I'm the one desperately trying to get a plumber out before we go on holiday on Thursday... It just drives me mad.

It's just an endless stream of every problem, I'm left to deal with but when it's something he's interested in like an issue with his car, he's straight on it.

I probably haven't conveyed how bad he is bur just wanted general opinion on whether I'm overreacting here?

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/10/2019 21:17

I don’t think you are overreacting - he should be doing more, and he should be using his own initiative.

What happens if you tell him he is a lazy arse and needs to buck his ideas up?

june2007 · 07/10/2019 21:17

So why are you teling us, you need to tell him. I think a lot of men still don't get that housework is for everone.

madcatladyforever · 07/10/2019 21:18

Dump the fucker. He will never change just get worse.
I've got no time or respect for men like this.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/10/2019 21:18

You knew this before you married him, right?

Hesafriendfromwork · 07/10/2019 21:20

What was the reason he changed and became like this?

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 07/10/2019 21:23

That's an interesting question actually - when did he change and become like this?

Chocmallows · 07/10/2019 21:24

What motivates him the most to change, e.g. your anger, disapointment, involve others or positive feedback?

I would look at what makes him tick first and try that, then ultimatums, then the door.

DeeCeeCherry · 07/10/2019 21:26

I don't understand why women marry men like this - there are ALWAYS signs of lazy entitlement even if you're not living together, and whether women choose to see them or not. Those traits don't suddenly go away when you marry them.

This is who he is and he won't change. There are numerous threads on MN from tired women lamenting over men who don't do a bit of housework.

The best you can do is talk to him about it, broken record technique if he tries to divert you. I wonder how long your marriage will last because being a lazy slob is so unattractive. You are ill and you work too, and he doesn't respect you enough to pull his weight.

If you do ever ditch him get a cleaner so you can have some well-deserved relaxation time (albeit you'll have less mess to deal with hence less tired , so..)

Queenoftheashes · 07/10/2019 21:27

Not overreacting; he’s dreadful

Original poster
Ribbon14 · 07/10/2019 21:28

So he's always been like this...its true I have more experience (lost my mum at 19,only child dad is an alcoholic so I've taken responsibility from a young age) but still. I just told him and he just blamed me saying the bills are in my name so can't deal with it.. And was just generally ride in his tone..

OP posts:
SeaSidePebbles · 07/10/2019 21:30

You’re not a domestic appliance.

Hesafriendfromwork · 07/10/2019 21:30

OP I am a fully functioning adult. I didnt lose a parent at a young age etc.

He is like that because he chooses to be. You can have a childhood with trauma and still care about the person you are with. You take it all on because you choose to.

He has always been like this. so why marry him?

Wolfiefan · 07/10/2019 21:32

So he’s rude, unsupportive and lazy? And his good points? Please say you don’t have kids yet!
What normal adults do is figure out who does what. I cook. DH washes up (hate that job!) That way there’s no resentment and nobody feels they’re doing more than their share.

Changestartsnow · 07/10/2019 21:32

Why did you marry him then? If he has always been like this and you still choose to be with him then you must have been able to look past it before or just pretend you didn't care.

The only thing you can do is talk truthy to him.

Lay it all out. Tell him how it makes you.feel etc etc and give him an ultimatum. He bucks up or you leave him.

ncbaaybeee · 07/10/2019 21:32

Send him packing to his mums for a bit - if he wants to be mothered, he's better there, and he can come back when he's ready to be a equal partner.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/10/2019 21:32

Stop doing anything for him.

Original poster
Ribbon14 · 07/10/2019 21:32

I'm not sure anything motivates him. To change. He certainly doesn't seem to care if I'm upset etc. He also expects thanks for every little thing I do but hardly ever thanks me for the mountain of stuff I do.

Yeah I know I was probably a fool to marry him but there were reasons...

OP posts:
Original poster
Ribbon14 · 07/10/2019 21:34

Sorry just to clarify I'm the one who's mum died and have an alcoholic father not him. He has two amazingly supportive parents

OP posts:
Babdoc · 07/10/2019 21:36

OP, your update was very interesting. Your model of a marriage was a useless alcoholic dad and you stepped up to cover the housework even then.
I wonder if you went into the marriage expecting to do everything, and then found your illness made this too exhausting? Your idle good for nothing husband seems content to sit back and watch you struggle. He is not displaying any love, concern or care for your health or happiness.
OP, draw up a list of chores and divide it in half. Tell him which half is his, and then never do those tasks again. If he fails to do them, let him suffer the consequences and don’t bail him out. If he fails to do the washing, he goes to work in a dirty shirt. If he forgets to shop, he gets no dinner. Etc. And if he still won’t pull his weight, divorce the bugger.

Hesafriendfromwork · 07/10/2019 21:38

He has two amazingly supportive parents

Yea. Plenty of people do and manage to be fully functioning adults. They also care enough about the person they are with ti do their fair share around the house.

Original poster
Ribbon14 · 07/10/2019 21:39

Thanks all,
Yes I have probably been used to doing it all and he is quite happy to not lift a finger. He's no sulking bc I had a go at him (not nastily). He also said he wouldn't pay for a cleaner before. No we don't have children thank goodness. Oh and I have been on the verge of divorce already.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 07/10/2019 21:41

Sulking is nasty. And very unattractive. I bet it’s a deliberate ploy to stop you trying to actually get him to pull his weight.

C0untDucku1a · 07/10/2019 21:43

If you ever have children it will be much worse. And youve had enough now. Maybe time to move on.

Onekidnoclue · 07/10/2019 21:44

This is really tough.
Does he realise what you do? It sound stupid but I think my generally fairly bright husband thinks a lot of house work happens by magic.
There are two issues. Either he doesn’t realise the contribution you’re making which could be fixed by a little education.
Or he does realise and thinks he’s superior and you should be waiting on him.
Sorry OP.

timshelthechoice · 07/10/2019 21:44

Well, this is who he is and he will never change. There's no excuse for this, you know, 'inexperience' or any of that. He fundamentally doesn't care. He believes lifework is women's work, working is a get out of life card and this is how he will always be. If you want a life of misery with someone who has no respect for you, then stay with him. Fuck 'chats, or charts or any of that because all it means is you living in a total shit tip of a house stepping over his dirty shit and getting angrier.

Life is way too short for this.

Someone who refuses to adult either carries on in life being a fuckwit or finds some mug to enable them.

The choice is yours.