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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is a selfish lazy so and so!

100 replies

Ribbon14 · 07/10/2019 21:07

Hi all,

Sorry this could turn into quite a rant...

My husband is driving me insane quite frankly. We've been married 2.5 years both quite young (I'm 26, he's 27). He works 15 mins from home in a 9-5 job and I am self employed as a private tutor and work approx. 25hrs a week. Last year I was diagnosed with a chronic incurable bowel disease which has been physically and mentally difficult. I am still frequently ill but push myself to carry on as much as I can.

So on top of my teaching, I do 90% of the housework and deal with all issues in the house and take responsibility for everything. He literally has no initiative and leaves me to deal with everything and has to be told to do stuff...

His day would be get up at 8, take the dog out for a wee, eat breakfast and leave for work. Come home, cook dinner that I will have either prepared earlier or put something in oven, then chill....

He refuses to do any housework in the evening and I feel like he takes advantage of me working at home. Today we've had a leak and I'm the one desperately trying to get a plumber out before we go on holiday on Thursday... It just drives me mad.

It's just an endless stream of every problem, I'm left to deal with but when it's something he's interested in like an issue with his car, he's straight on it.

I probably haven't conveyed how bad he is bur just wanted general opinion on whether I'm overreacting here?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ribbon14 · 07/10/2019 23:01

Thanks. But I don't feel like I have an extra 10hrs. He doesn't have a demanding job and he doesn't really commute... He takes a bus or walks... He's not travelling into Central London. I get your point but it has to be done sometime. So its OK for me to spend all day doing housework and dealing with issues, teach children one on one for 5hrs, spend another 1-2hrs preparing lessons then also wash up etc?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ribbon14 · 07/10/2019 23:03

Heart of glass your husband sounds amazing! Wish I had that. On the rare occasions I go out, I usually come back to everything not done.. He has been chilling in bed watching TV or whatever.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ribbon14 · 07/10/2019 23:05

I don't think there's much chance of having kids. I'm struggling with my illness and he just dismisses how hard it is for me and is unsupportive when I say id like to be a mum but worry about coping. He just says well yeah everyone else manages and we just won't have kids then :'(

OP posts:
NearlyGranny · 07/10/2019 23:11

He's got too comfy!

Ninkaninus · 07/10/2019 23:13

He sounds horrendous.

And that’s besides the fact that he’s a lazy, entitled manchild.

He doesn’t respect you, he’s not thoughtful and kind and supportive.

You don’t have children with him, thank goodness, so there is absolutely no reason to put up with this sorry state of affairs anymore.

Ninkaninus · 07/10/2019 23:13

(And even if you did have children that in itself is not a good reason to stay in a terrible relationship)

Butterymuffin · 07/10/2019 23:15

Go on the holiday on your own. Tell him you need some space to think things over. I'm betting it's all booked in your name. He can stay at home and fend for himself for a while.

Blondebakingmumma · 07/10/2019 23:22

Stop doing his things. He will figure out he needs to do washing when he has no clean clothes. Don’t put his stuff away. When you
Tidy put all of his mess into a washing basket or decorative basket and he can go looking for his things there when he can’t find them

macmustard · 07/10/2019 23:34

Just get rid of him op. I hope your house is protected from him. I bet your bowel disease (speaking from experience) is exacerbated by stress. Lose the useless man and your health might improve too.

Hesafriendfromwork · 08/10/2019 02:34

We live in a largish 4 bed house that I inherited from my parents so it is quite big to keep tidy and my husband is messy plus the cats and dog and I have quite high standards..

OP unless the house in trust or somehow protected, you should divorce him sooner rather than later.

Right now it's a short marriage. In a few years, you may find yourself having to sell that house to buy him out.

Monty27 · 08/10/2019 02:41

He thinks you're his mother. Send him back.
What a selfish lazy git is he? Shock

user764329056 · 08/10/2019 02:44

Making lists and telling him what needs doing sounds like a parent/child relationship, it’s ridiculous that an adult, male or female, doesn’t contribute to housework, sorry OP but I couldn’t respect a partner who was like that and definitely couldn’t be sexually attracted to someone so ignorant

Pinkbonbon · 08/10/2019 02:50

You said he doesn't care that he upsets you. ..why would you want yo stay married to that? That's beyond being selfish and lazy, it's being a cold hearted monster.

Normal people hate to see others upset and adjust their behaviour to prevent upsetting people again, especially someone they care about. Assholes, don't.

The dude is an asshole and you'd be better off without him. You don't need to divorce him straight off the bat, just kick his ass out.

Greenleaveslaughing · 08/10/2019 02:51

Sadly, he sounds dreary.

Kick him out, and get a couple of lodgers to help pay the bills.

Be very picky, and check websites for how to do this, lodgers, so that you have rights over your own home.

soulrunner · 08/10/2019 03:09

Go and see a solicitor now. Given it’s a short marriage and you have a chronic disease that limits your earning power, and you have no dependents you may end up being able to keep the house.

boyd0000a1 · 08/10/2019 03:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

IamWaggingBrenda · 08/10/2019 03:44

Don’t do his laundry , ironing, etc and don’t cook for him. If he refuses to help, why do these things for him?

PomPomtheGreat · 08/10/2019 03:55

Heart of glass your husband sounds amazing!

No, he doesn't. He sounds like a perfectly decent, normal, properly-functioning adult. I have one just the same, whose mantra since day one has been that he never sits down in the evening until I do. I don't consider him as some sort of saint, nor him me. I do the same amount as he does, and that's what adults do.

Raise your standards?

mediumbrownmug · 08/10/2019 03:57

OP, why are you doing everything for him? He’s surely capable of adulting by himself, so stop infantilizing him. Tell him that the housework belongs to the house, not to you, and everyone who lives in it has to work to maintain it because it doesn’t clean itself. Then, stop doing his half. When he doesn’t do his laundry, he can buy new clothes. Same for dishes, and as for any mess of his that gets out of hand, simply bag it up and hand it over. He’ll get the picture soon enough.

smeerf · 08/10/2019 04:02

Oh god, you need to see a solicitor to make sure he doesn't have a claim on the house! I would go sooner rather than later.

minesagin37 · 08/10/2019 04:06

Tools down. If no improvement get rid. He's a lazy fucker.

donethinkin · 08/10/2019 04:13

Make up a rota! Get two laundry baskets. Your stuff in one, his in the other. Don’t do his. Be warned though, I took this stand and he left me for another woman! He really was a pig. The OW didn’t last long and it did me a huge favour. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life clearing up after this fella?

Countryescape · 08/10/2019 08:18

You’re very very young. Just leave now and save yourself years of misery.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 08/10/2019 08:50

Make up a rota

Rotas are for sorting out chores for kids. Grown adults should not have to follow some prescribed routine, they talk about the division of labour and get on with it or just do what needs to be done because they see it needs to be done rather then wait for the task to be pointed out to them. Quite frankly if someone needs to be told the bin is full after they just crammed something into it 5 mins ago or that the dirty dishes need to be loaded into the dishwasher after dinner there is little hope for change.

Original poster
Ribbon14 · 08/10/2019 08:58

So the house isn't protected. It's in my sole name and I guess if I ended it now I could keep the house. It's worth a Lot of money because of where we live and he really couldn't claim half of it...
He still isn't speaking to me this morning. He said he's organised a plumber to come out today to deal with the leaking tap but won't tell me when they're coming. Hmm
I feel like he has no respect for me. He never thinks he's in the wrong. When I told him he needed to take more responsibility he just went all defensive and used the bills being in my name as an excuse and said he had better things to do than deal with these issues Angry

OP posts:
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