Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To think my husband is a selfish lazy so and so!

100 replies

Ribbon14 · 07/10/2019 21:07

Hi all,

Sorry this could turn into quite a rant...

My husband is driving me insane quite frankly. We've been married 2.5 years both quite young (I'm 26, he's 27). He works 15 mins from home in a 9-5 job and I am self employed as a private tutor and work approx. 25hrs a week. Last year I was diagnosed with a chronic incurable bowel disease which has been physically and mentally difficult. I am still frequently ill but push myself to carry on as much as I can.

So on top of my teaching, I do 90% of the housework and deal with all issues in the house and take responsibility for everything. He literally has no initiative and leaves me to deal with everything and has to be told to do stuff...

His day would be get up at 8, take the dog out for a wee, eat breakfast and leave for work. Come home, cook dinner that I will have either prepared earlier or put something in oven, then chill....

He refuses to do any housework in the evening and I feel like he takes advantage of me working at home. Today we've had a leak and I'm the one desperately trying to get a plumber out before we go on holiday on Thursday... It just drives me mad.

It's just an endless stream of every problem, I'm left to deal with but when it's something he's interested in like an issue with his car, he's straight on it.

I probably haven't conveyed how bad he is bur just wanted general opinion on whether I'm overreacting here?

OP posts:

Hesafriendfromwork · 08/10/2019 09:00

It's worth a Lot of money because of where we live and he really couldn't claim half of it...

He maybe able to claim some. Bit yiuw ait a few years and will be able to claim alot more, in all likelihood.

Dont wait until then. He wont change. If you end it, he will say he will change. Get better for a bit. But it doesnt last. Because in his head, he is more important than you.

Original poster

Ribbon14 · 08/10/2019 09:04

Yep I know. Fortunately I have savings I was left so may be able to give him that without losing the house. Yes we've had loads of conversations where he's promised to change. But he does for a short while and then goes back to his old ways.

OP posts:

apacketofcrisps · 08/10/2019 09:25

Get rid of him.

LifeSpectator · 08/10/2019 09:46

i dont know if it is as unfair as you say, you work 25 hours a week from home, he works 40 hours, plus another 2.5 travelling, so i guess it makes sense you do most of the work at home, even if ill, maybe i havent got enough sense of how your illness affects your day.

You prep dinner, he puts it on, seems about right ,he chills at home in evening then you should chill too, I assume there is just the two of you and dog to clean up after? so not a lot of obngoing daily work. Really i think bills being in your name , you being at home calling plummer etc makes sense. you say he has no initiative, my dh is the same ,its annoying but i guess i just accept it and tell him nicely whats to be done, you say he has to be told to do stuff, but then doesn he normally do it? say for example if you dont put any of his washing o, n will he eventally put a load in at a weekend? think you need to accept things like car maintanace will always come higher on his list and pick your battles.

Original poster

Ribbon14 · 08/10/2019 09:56

Lifespectator trust me you don't live with him. It's grossly unfair. It's his attitude more than anything. He is rude and uncaring. My illness affects me every day and can be debilitating at times. I also have side effects from all the medication I'm on.

The point is he takes no responsibility for anything apart from things which directly affect him. And no when I ask him he doesn't do it, he usually says no!

OP posts:

OooErMissus · 08/10/2019 10:07

You're 26!!! With no kids!!!

For the love of God, break free from this loser, and start living your life...! You KNOW you can spend the next 80 years like this, right?!

⛰

OooErMissus · 08/10/2019 10:09

pick your battles

No, dump his arse.

The absolute depths some women will plummet, just to be in a relationship with a man, is boggling.

Have some dignity, and raise your standards.

endofthelinefinally · 08/10/2019 10:15

You need to get legal advice now. This man child has got his feet firmly under your table. The longer you wait the more rights he will have to your home.
If I were being uncharitable I might think he had a game plan all along.

ursuslemonade · 08/10/2019 10:24

To be honest you're doing it all alone anyway...plus carrying this useless twat...
I'm no expert but I believe the more you wait for the miracle that just won't happen, the more chance he'll have to put a claim against your house.
Imagine paying a fortune just to get rid of this lazy fucker...
This will never get better. He got comfy and just expects you to do it all.
'Pick your battles' fuck me, you don't have to put up with this!

pinkyredrose · 08/10/2019 10:36

Why the fuck did you marry him as opposed to living together? Please protect your parents inheritance, it would be beyond sick if he got his hands on any of it. He has zero respect for you, none. The cynic in me says he saw you coming, now he's got a cosy life with a responsible wife and a big house that he doesn't pay for.

Do yourself a favour and get rid.

Original poster

Ribbon14 · 08/10/2019 11:20

Yes that's how I feel sometimes. Fell like he takes advantage of me and is ungrateful for what we have and doesn't realise how lucky we are to have a nice house etc. He also frequently used the fact the house is only in my name as a reason not to do anything...

OP posts:

Whatjusthappenedthere · 08/10/2019 12:23

Ok, having re read your updates I feel my first post was a bit off the mark.
The division of labour is not the problem in you marriage. It’s your DH’s attitude.
You are young and thank goodness you are not financially dependant upon him.
These are the best years of your life. You are financially well placed to start a fresh either alone or with some one who actually cares.

SunshineCake · 08/10/2019 16:02

Oh please get rid. I am sorry you lost your parents and I am sure they would be devastated to know you married such a twat never mind see their hard earned house go half to him.

Get him out or shut up moaning.

FizzyGreenWater · 08/10/2019 16:06

OP, really, listen listen LISTEN to folk on here.

GET RID NOW OR YOU WILL END UP PAYING THROUGH THE NOSE TO GET SHOT OF HIM.

You are 26. You have a house you already own outright. You may have loads to cope with, but you are NOT trapped.

Please throw him out and file for divorce NOW. Or, as folk are saying, you are likely to bitterly regret it when you are trying to find thousands to pay him off without losing your home.

He won't change.

FizzyGreenWater · 08/10/2019 16:07

Yes, he almost certainly is taking advantage.

No way would he have married without an eye on your house - he certainly doesn't want to contribute or be a partner.

You can do a bloody mile better.

donethinkin · 08/10/2019 16:09

Oh god! Get rid of him ASAP before the marriage is even longer. The longer the marriage the more claim he has! This is your parents inheritance! Protect it! Go see a solicitor and see how much you’d have to give him.

monkeymonkey2010 · 08/10/2019 16:19

So the house isn't protected. It's in my sole name and I guess if I ended it now I could keep the house. It's worth a Lot of money because of where we live and he really couldn't claim half of it...

YOU may have married him out of what you thought was love - but i think he only married you for what he could get out of you.
I think he saw the pound signs when he met you - and knew you were a pushover and easy to manipulate.

You need to speak to a solicitor about your options and liabilities asap.
The longer you leave it the more he will be entitled to.....and don't you dare hand over any money to him without it being signed off by your own solicitor.

You've been a fool once OP - don't be a fool twice.

Hesafriendfromwork · 08/10/2019 18:00

Fortunately I have savings I was left so may be able to give him that without losing the house.

You do realise that he could lay a claim to that money as well. The savings and the house can be viewed as joint. Even if in your name

You need to file for divorce asap.

Heartofglass12345 · 08/10/2019 22:38

My husband is amazing for the way he makes me feel about myself. You deserve this too!
I do more around the house because my youngest has just started school and I'm not working at the moment (was previously a SAHM) but he does his share too. He doesn't need a rota, he doesn't need to be asked, he just does it. Someone who has previously lived alone is a good idea as you know they can look after themselves!
I hope you manage to get the strength to leave him I really do, as you deserve so much better. We will support you through it on here!

AskMeHow · 08/10/2019 22:51

Please OP for the love of God, just get rid of him.

He's lazy, he speaks to you rudely, he doesn't pull his weight (and yours!) even though you're ill. It shouldn't be this hard. And certainly not only a couple of years in. And think on - he is likely to get worse, not better, as he ages. If you had a flare up and had to give up your job, would be look after you? Would be cook for you and do your washing and run you a bath of an evening? Would he fuck.

Get out now while you can still hold on to your inheritance.

It's a short marriage so far, so if you act quickly you should be able to separate with each of you in the position you were before you married.

Justhavingacry · 09/10/2019 02:47

Sometimes I let me OH fend for himself for a few days, i find it helps keep him in line, its like releasing him into the wild (and watching him be eaten alive...)

For example the other day my train home was late.
OH knew what we were having for dinner and is perfectly capable human being in all respects.

I walked in the door, starving "oh, i thought you might have started dinner", to which he replies "i didn't know i was supposed to, i would have started if you asked" WELL NO ONE FLAMING ASKS ME TO START DINNER EVERY OTHER NIGHT, AND EVERYDAY A EVENING MEAL MYSTERIOUSLY APPEARS BEFORE YOU!!!!

Cue the following week - zero groceries in the house, very innocently i say "i didn't know i was supposed to, I would have gone to the shop if you asked".
He grunts that he'll go, wheres the list...."oh, you didn't ask me to write one, so i didn't..."

OccasionalNachos · 09/10/2019 04:01

@Justhavingacry that’s... depressing. If I were you I would consider the same advice that @Ribbon14 has been given.

FairyFi · 09/10/2019 04:27

Cocklodgers is their name!

Lazy greed is their game.

Kick them out hard, and fast,

Or they'll have you on your arse.

Elieza · 09/10/2019 20:50

Please get some legal advice now to make sure the house will remain yours in the event you divorce. Legal stuff is a total minefield.

Doubledenim305 · 12/03/2024 23:47

Can you update on what happened? I'd love to know 😁 thank you!

Flip

1 2 3 4