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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is a selfish lazy so and so!

100 replies

Ribbon14 · 07/10/2019 21:07

Hi all,

Sorry this could turn into quite a rant...

My husband is driving me insane quite frankly. We've been married 2.5 years both quite young (I'm 26, he's 27). He works 15 mins from home in a 9-5 job and I am self employed as a private tutor and work approx. 25hrs a week. Last year I was diagnosed with a chronic incurable bowel disease which has been physically and mentally difficult. I am still frequently ill but push myself to carry on as much as I can.

So on top of my teaching, I do 90% of the housework and deal with all issues in the house and take responsibility for everything. He literally has no initiative and leaves me to deal with everything and has to be told to do stuff...

His day would be get up at 8, take the dog out for a wee, eat breakfast and leave for work. Come home, cook dinner that I will have either prepared earlier or put something in oven, then chill....

He refuses to do any housework in the evening and I feel like he takes advantage of me working at home. Today we've had a leak and I'm the one desperately trying to get a plumber out before we go on holiday on Thursday... It just drives me mad.

It's just an endless stream of every problem, I'm left to deal with but when it's something he's interested in like an issue with his car, he's straight on it.

I probably haven't conveyed how bad he is bur just wanted general opinion on whether I'm overreacting here?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/10/2019 21:44

He's always been like this, he will always be like this. You ignored this at your own peril and married him, but fortunately you can rectify that mistake. I wouldn't waste another day in him.

Beautiful3 · 07/10/2019 21:47

You need to tell him what jobs he should be doing. I tell mine after dinner to take the bin out and wash up every other day.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/10/2019 21:47

Thank FUCK you don't have any children. Don't make another mistake by getting pregnant, although I can't imagine wanting to have sex with such a lazy piece of shit. Get rid ASAP.

Original poster
Ribbon14 · 07/10/2019 21:49

I think its more the fact he has to be asked to do things, takes no initiative and makes excuses (ie the bills being in my name) which isn't true for some of them anyway. He just acts like he has a hard life but from where I'm sitting he doesn't know the meaning of hard

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 07/10/2019 21:49

@Beautiful3 no adult should have to tell another to wash up. If it’s his job he should do it. I am not his mother. It’s not my job to nag him into doing his fair share of household chores. Confused

Aquamarine1029 · 07/10/2019 21:50

@Beautiful3

The fact you have to tell a grown man what he should already know needs doing is absurd. You may be fine with being mummy, but most of us certainly are not.

timshelthechoice · 07/10/2019 21:51

This is who he is, Ribbon, and he won't change. If anything, he'll get worse. Procreating with him would be a big mistake, actually, so would continuing to stay married to him, IMO, unless you are a masochist.

northernknickers · 07/10/2019 21:52

When I was your age OP, I was married to a man- child who sounds very similar! This was 30 years ago, and was unacceptable even then!

I would get home after work around 6.30, and he would greet me with things like 'I've hoovered up FOR YOU'. Really? For me? 🤯

We didn't stay married long!

Original poster
Ribbon14 · 07/10/2019 21:55

Thanks people. He clearly knows how hard I work but he's always treated my job as lesser and inferior. On a typical week, I cleam the bathrooms, hoovee at least twice bc we have a dog and 3 cats, clean the floors, do 2 loads of washing and ironing, clean the cats litter tray, mow the lawns and keep the garden tidy, make the bed every day, wash up at least some stuff and clean the kitchen...
His week is hoovee once at weekend, cook a few nights and do a bit of washing up....

I feel trapped though. I've been through so much crap in my life I don't feel like I can go through a divorce as well and fear coping alone when I'm ill. Then he always try to twist it and then sometimes he's nice to me

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 07/10/2019 21:57

Sometimes he’s nice to me? Seriously that’s the highest you can say about him? It’s typical behaviour. Be a shit and then act like a normal human being for a while. Throws the partner off kilter and allows them to stay in control.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/10/2019 22:03

"Sometimes he's nice to me" is a tragically low bar to set for a marriage. It's incredibly sad you're willing to live this way.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 07/10/2019 22:09

These threads are so depressing. So many bright women turning into worn out skivvies because they've saddled themselves with an idle misogynistic lump Sad

EmmiJay · 07/10/2019 22:09

So basically you're his mum...? Do what she might do and kick him out I say.

jessyjo2 · 07/10/2019 22:11

Im in a happy marriage but like every marriage it needs to be worked on. I think people are very quick just to suggest that you give up on marriage, you both made that commitment, you both need to work in it.
Suggest you try talking about it. If you really arent getting anywhere, counselling is an option, an independant person would b helpful.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 07/10/2019 22:12

I think this is a very common reason for a divorce. Rather than a massive fall out, he constant drip of 'I'm worth more than you, and expect you to skivvy for me'. It just builds up til someone usually the wife snaps and the husband remains oblivious and thinks his wife has gone crazy for divorcing him because his socks were left on the floor again.

I would list the jobs. Daily like cooking monday cooking Tuesday bins out Wednesday hoovering Thursday. Put a column for you and for him. Tally it up in terms of time. I guess it may be fair if you do less hours to do a bit more work but when it's obvious you di 90pc ask him why he thinks it's fair. Why is it ok for one person to relax while the other has to work to keep things ticking over? Why is it fair that he has a lot more leisure time. Also is there anything you could do differently (eg I wash sheets and towels every few weeks whereas a lot on mumsnet do it daily it seems) to make things easier for yourself. You need to agree how often things need doing. Do a rota if needs be. Try and explain just how much it's getting you down and how unappreciated you feel.

Could you move out and have some space so he can realise just how much you do? Not sure if you want children but I really wouldn't with him as he is now- he sounds like the type to keep up with his hobbies meaning you have to stay in, and disappear all weekend because he needs to relax

SunshineCake · 07/10/2019 22:14

Does he pay half for the bills that have special powers by being in your name ?

Anonmummyoftwo · 07/10/2019 22:16

If all the bills are in your name change the wifi password set a pin on the tv ect. Tell him then if he wants to huff and act like a child then youl treat him as such and when he dose the dishes or floors he can have the passwords

Elieza · 07/10/2019 22:16

I had one of them once. Lazy shit only did things at the time which were considered ‘man’ things round the house, like putting bins out and fixing the car, putting up curtain poles, food shopping and cooking sometimes and building Ikea units.

I had to do everything else. And I have a chronic long term condition which made me too ill to go to work sometimes, which he used to tell me gave me time to do his man stuff as well as I was off anyway.
Unbelievable. Too ill to work but not to ill to cook, shop, bins etc.
Yeah, I had one of them once......not any more. They don’t change. His mum was a lovely doormat for his dad. That’s where that particular lazy shit must have gotten it from. She probably does his washings even now. Sigh.

WickedLemon · 07/10/2019 22:17

Well, you work 10 hours a week less than him, and I’m baffled as to how two working adults with no children create hours worth of housework.

But anyway. Divorce him.

By your own admittance you knew what you were getting in to. So in future don’t ignore the red flags flapping right in your face before you marry the next guy.

MsVestibule · 07/10/2019 22:21

and then sometimes he's nice to me

That's a really depressing sentence. All marriages have their ups and downs, but good grief, if that was the best thing I could say about my DH, I'd be out PDQ.

You really don't get extra life points for staying in a crappy marriage, rather than divorcing and looking for a better life. How do you feel about still being in the same situation as you are now when you're 36? Can you actually afford to go it alone?

Original poster
Ribbon14 · 07/10/2019 22:30

Wickedlemon.. True I work 10hrs less but I have a serious illness and when you factor all the hours of other stuff I do, I'm pretty sure I know who works harder....
Anyway.
We live in a largish 4 bed house that I inherited from my parents so it is quite big to keep tidy and my husband is messy plus the cats and dog and I have quite high standards..

OP posts:
PrettyPurse · 07/10/2019 22:33

If you're not happy then change the thing's you do for him....i.e his washing and ironing.

Heartofglass12345 · 07/10/2019 22:37

Do not have children with this man or you will end up with 2 kids to look after and doing everything in your home too.

Heartofglass12345 · 07/10/2019 22:41

I went to an evening class tonight. My husband entertained our 2 boys, cooked tea for himself and them, tidied up afterwards and put the dishwasher on, gave them a bath and put them to bed. All by himself without me having to say a word. And made me a cup of tea for when I got home. This is what being in a partnership is about. You aren't his mother you are his equal and you deserve much much better.

Whatjusthappenedthere · 07/10/2019 22:46

Sorry to hear of your illness .
You seem quite a capable person and so perhaps DH hasn’t grasped its full impact.

However, you have 10 extra hours a week on your hands . You husband cooks or at least shares the cooking from what you said. I would not expect my DH to do house work of an evening after a full day at work and a half hour commute. I certainly don’t.

Between the pair of you , you really do seem to have it covered. But if you want him to take more responsibility it sounds as if you are going to have to spell it out.

Don’t have children until you are completely happy. You are ever so young to have already been on the brink of divorce.

From where you are right now there is a whole lot of potential for things to deteriorate because the responsibility and work load between the two of you are not that bad at the moment.
Good luck.

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