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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wait for him

82 replies

Chuneysandpickles · 07/10/2019 10:36

I am in love with my best friend .He has a girlfriend but For many reasons based on what he says and what he does, I believe that they will not last.
I will never show my hand while they are together and I find it very painful if he name comes into conversation. I’m a shit actor so I just divert conversation. She dislikes our friendship.
Do I wait for him as I think he would be worth it in the long term or as a single woman in her early 40’s, do I cut my losses.?
Thanks.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 07/10/2019 10:40

If he wanted to be with you he'd be with you.

He wants to be with someone else which is why he's with her and not you.

Maybe he enjoys stringing you along, having 2 women interested in him or whatever. Only wait for him if you don't value yourself and are happy to be his back up plan.

Original poster
Chuneysandpickles · 07/10/2019 10:44

He doesn’t know that I am interested in him. Before he got with her , he was interested in me but it was not a good time .He has told and showed me that he loves me many times

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/10/2019 10:48

Stop wasting time and just tell him how you feel.

Original poster
Chuneysandpickles · 07/10/2019 10:52

I don’t want to meddle. They will come to a natural end I believe. If we didn’t work, then our friendship may die and he may resent me for his other relationship not working out. The timing always seems to be bloody off ! Thanks

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 07/10/2019 10:56

Ok he doesn't know. Wait till he's single then tell him. Or tell him now if you really must.

onanothertrain · 07/10/2019 10:56

So you didn't want him before but now he is in a relationship with someone else you want him. If you're a shit actor I'm not surprised she dislikes your friendship.

Original poster
Chuneysandpickles · 07/10/2019 11:01

I have always liked him but it was the wrong time to start something . My head is in the right place now but don’t want to cause trouble . His girlfriend hasn’t met me but I know has had stern words to him about our friendship . She simply doesn’t like it . I am a shit actor meaning that my fave always gives away my feelings so I have to try to hide them by diverting conversation. Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Chuneysandpickles · 07/10/2019 11:02

I think waiting is probably best. I don’t want to destroy our friendship or cause trouble for them. It may not even work! I value him very much .

OP posts:
Imonlymoominafterall · 07/10/2019 11:07

Hmm. IMO it reads like you're quite enjoying the drama. When he's available again I suspect you won't be so interested.

Original poster
Chuneysandpickles · 07/10/2019 11:12

I can’t understand why you would think I am enjoying the drama ? Where on my posts would indicate that? If I was being dramatic I would create a fuss by declaring my feelings, having thwarted him only a year past ?I have said I won’t declare because that would never be shitty and may back fire quite dramatically

OP posts:
Crystal87 · 07/10/2019 11:15

I think by telling him there could be 2 outcomes. He will either say he feels the same, dump her and get with you..or the friendship will be ruined. If he's happy with her, he could possibly stop your friendship out of respect for his partner.
It's whether you think it's worth the risk of not potentially losing him as a friend.

NoSauce · 07/10/2019 11:15

Probably best to let their relationship come to a natural end. But you might be waiting a long time?

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 07/10/2019 11:17

🙄

So he wanted and you weren’t interested but the minute he is with someone you suddenly decide you do want him, oh it’s just like a movie.

I mean come on it’s some pathetic mid life crisis for you. What’s up no other man interested in you at the moment and his got someone?

No you don tell him and tbh sitting hoping his relationship fails makes you a crap friend 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
Chuneysandpickles · 07/10/2019 11:19

Thanks i really don’t want to lose him as a friend more than anything else so yes I think waiting it out is possibly best and seeing if something happens naturally after that . It may be a long time , perhaps another year or so, when seriius commitment and house purchasing and babies discussions return .

OP posts:
AmIThough · 07/10/2019 11:21

I think you should walk away from the friendship. She has very good reasons for not liking your friendship. There's a good chance she's asked if anything has ever happened between you and he could have been honest about his feelings.

You didn't want him when he was interested. Stop playing games with the poor man.

Original poster
Chuneysandpickles · 07/10/2019 11:21

I was interested as I previously said but my head wasn’t in the right place and practically it could not have worked . I am not hoping for him to fail , I am basing my opinion on what he says and what he does and does not do. I’m not a bad person.

OP posts:
Actionhasmagic · 07/10/2019 11:22

Telllll him life is too short

Crystal87 · 07/10/2019 11:24

To be honest I think you're best walking away and leaving them to it. This woman might be the one for him and he may never choose you. Has he told you he's in love with you? Does he talk about how he feels about his partner?

Original poster
Chuneysandpickles · 07/10/2019 11:25

What good reasons does she have for not liking our friendship?
She doesn’t know me , he won’t introduce us and I’m pretty sure that he’s never told her very much knowing that’s we are still very close .

OP posts:
Original poster
Chuneysandpickles · 07/10/2019 11:28

He has told me on many occasions that he loves me. He doesn’t speak about her too much . He is a lovely man but his actions are not those of a man in love .

OP posts:
AmIThough · 07/10/2019 11:30

What good reasons does she have? Aside from the fact her boyfriend wanted to be with you and is only with her because you rejected him, yet he maintains a close relationship with you?

Would that not ring alarm bells?

ElizaDee · 07/10/2019 11:32

Stop wasting time and just tell him how you feel.

This. Life is too short.

Then the ball is in his court whether he leaves the gf.

Original poster
Chuneysandpickles · 07/10/2019 11:36

I doubt he told her about his feelings but she absolutely has a problem with me . He has told me that she doesn’t like our interactions and that they’re. Not appropriate despite never seeing or hearing us interact . To his credit, he doesn’t bombard me with messages or contact much anymore. The only interaction is Sm and he has scaled back

OP posts:
MySonIsAlsoNamedBort · 07/10/2019 11:38

I'd say she doesn't like you because he refuses to introduce you both and it's probably triggering a massive red flag for her, and she's not wrong is she? He's had feelings for you and you have feelings for him.

ChuckleBuckles · 07/10/2019 11:39

He is a lovely man

Is he though? He knows of your interest in him, it was just not the right time for you and now that he is with someone else he is keeping you on the back burner. He has not introduced you and his GF, why if you are friends? Does that little flicker of friction please him, does it suit him to keep the narrative that he is desirable to two women? If you met her you might get on and realise that she is a nice woman that deserves to be treated right, then his behaviour would seem different to you, less "nice man". So all we know is that you are now waiting in the wings after refusing him before, and he has a set up where he is not fully engaged with the new woman, she deserves none of this.