Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To wait for him

82 replies

Chuneysandpickles · 07/10/2019 10:36

I am in love with my best friend .He has a girlfriend but For many reasons based on what he says and what he does, I believe that they will not last.
I will never show my hand while they are together and I find it very painful if he name comes into conversation. I’m a shit actor so I just divert conversation. She dislikes our friendship.
Do I wait for him as I think he would be worth it in the long term or as a single woman in her early 40’s, do I cut my losses.?
Thanks.

OP posts:

onanothertrain · 07/10/2019 11:40

Sounds like he's playing you both, there are red flags all over this. He is not a lovely man and surely you're old enough to know better.

Original poster

Chuneysandpickles · 07/10/2019 11:44

He is not playing me . She does deserve someone who treats her much better. He doesn’t know I have feelings and last year I told him that I valued him as a friend so he has no idea of my true feelings and never has . He is a lovely person and is a kind and warm boyfriend to her but he is not committed if that makes sense . She is a high up option but certainly not a priority .

OP posts:

AmIThough · 07/10/2019 11:47

@Chuneysandpickles if you're that certain about his feelings you probably should tell him.
Let him decide.

But just know that if he stays with her, your friendship will be over.
If you get together and it doesn't work, your friendship will be over.

The only way of you remaining close is if he still feels the same and leaves her.

If you do love him though, it's probably worth the risk.
And at least she doesn't waste her time on him either.

Original poster

Chuneysandpickles · 07/10/2019 11:56

I agree with everything you have posted @AmIThough. The friendship is more important to me . Sadly he is t allowed to go for a coffee or a lunch with me anymore . I miss that so for now his contact to me is on messenger and I think he hides it from her which is a shame.

OP posts:

DarlingBuds19 · 07/10/2019 12:08

He is a lovely person and is a kind and warm boyfriend to her but he is not committed if that makes sense.

It's not kind to keep seeing someone if you don't want any commitment and presumably they do.

But tbh we only have your take on his feelings and intentions.

You can hang around waiting for it to end or you can tell him how you feel and see if he truly isn't committed to her and still has feelings for you (strong enough to end his current relationship and get into a relationship with you) ... It may end your friendship,but if he stays with her it will have ended anyway since she's not ok with him meeting you (presumably) and he's acceded to that. Likewise another woman might be similarly uncomfortable and no t tolerate him meeting you.

Tbh I wonder if you aren't a big delusional about the whole situation, just because he wanted to get involved with you before and loved you (possibly as a friend) doesn't mean people's feelings can't change. They can and do.

DarlingBuds19 · 07/10/2019 12:09

You may not get the response from him you expect, even if/when he's single.

DarlingBuds19 · 07/10/2019 12:12

Also do you have kids, do you want them?

Does he?

How far into your 40s are you? How long are you planning on going sitting around for his relationship to end?

Original poster

Chuneysandpickles · 07/10/2019 12:26

Hi I may be delusional
Of course . He has scaled back on contact . He avoids being with me at times . He doesn’t make eye contact with me too much anymore . I am 41 and don’t want children and neither does he . His feelings may have changed. I don’t know. He hasn’t told me he loves me since he met her but he has been sexually and personally inappropriate .he tried to keep our contact up in their initial months but in the end we talked and decided that it wasn’t ok to have such contact. I took that decision .

OP posts:

ChuckleBuckles · 07/10/2019 12:30

Sadly he is t allowed to go for a coffee or a lunch with me anymore

All you know is what he is telling you, you say she doesn't like you, he is no longer allowed out to meet you, she dislikes the friendship, she thinks it is not appropriate but you have never even met this woman and all you have to go on is what he is telling you. So a few things could be going on here, she is an absolute nightmare or he is spineless and is using her as an excuse to no longer be in contact with you. But why is he discussing the details of the relationship with you? You say that you are friends, best friends even, but yet he will not introduce you to his partner, you need to step back and examine what is really going on here.

SherbetSaucer · 07/10/2019 12:53

Serious OP, you’re 40s not 14!

Grow up and move on.

Original poster

Chuneysandpickles · 07/10/2019 13:34

I don’t know what going on in their relationship but he has in the past discussed it with me ,especially at the beginning .

OP posts:

DeathStare · 07/10/2019 13:39

Take control over your life and stop leaving things to fate (and then pining over him).

Either tell him how you feel and let him decide. Or stop waiting for him.

Aprillygirl · 07/10/2019 14:08

Stop messing about and just tell him. Sorry if I've missed it but how long has he been with his current g/f?

Original poster

Chuneysandpickles · 07/10/2019 14:13

A year and a bit . Casually . I don’t think she is a nightmare from what he has told me and she has been quite correct in her anger towards him based on his on line behaviour with me that she could see . They were together properly for ten months before I realised that it was not a fwb situation . He just alluded to that .

OP posts:

Aprillygirl · 07/10/2019 14:29

Ok so it's longer than I thought. I would still tell him though OP. Put the ball in his court. You have more to lose by not telling him-his g/f falling pregnant while you wait around for example- than you do by being honest with your feelings.

DarlingBuds19 · 07/10/2019 14:38

don’t want children and neither does he . His feelings may have changed. I don’t know.

It's very common for people to change their minds on this as their "window" starts to close. Is his gf younger (with more leeway to have them)? It may be a factor.

flouncyfanny · 07/10/2019 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DarlingBuds19 · 07/10/2019 14:40

Oh sorry I thought you meant his feelings may have changed about having kids, but you were answering my suggestion that his feelings could've changed toward you.

But still, he may have changed his mi d about kids and if she's a bit younger, it may be a reason he sticks with her.

DarlingBuds19 · 07/10/2019 14:43

(not that you can't have kids in early 40s, it's just easier the younger one is - and a lot men seem to have rather simplistic judgemental ideas of what is old for pregnancy and child rearing).

DarlingBuds19 · 07/10/2019 14:45

He hasn’t told me he loves me since he met her but he has been sexually and personally inappropriate

They were together properly for ten months before I realised that it was not a fwb situation . He just alluded to that .

This does not make him sound like s lovely man. Quite the contrary.

Sounds like he'd actually a bit of a cheater and had strung you along.

DarlingBuds19 · 07/10/2019 14:45

*has

Original poster

Chuneysandpickles · 07/10/2019 14:51

Yes she is very much younger , by 7 years. She is quite vulnerable too.He says no to kids , she wants children and soon .she also absolutely cheroshes his bones so I feel that it would be cruel to blow this apart when I don’t know if it could work for us . She is a fawner and a gusher . I am not and I know that high on his list of priorities is being fawned all over. I may not meet his romantic needs. I am fiercely independent in every way. She is the complete opposite to me. She cannot wait to get married and have children quickly enough. She is beautiful and thin. I am not . She is a ‘yes’ person. I am not . Stepping back, I now think that I will not meet his needs .

OP posts:

BossAssBitch · 07/10/2019 14:52

His poor GF. Christ, no wonder she doesn't approve of your 'friendship'

BarbedBloom · 07/10/2019 14:55

He sounds bloody awful and a terrible boyfriend. She is totally right about the two of you. I cannot understand why you would even want someone who treats his long time girlfriend like this. You may think he will treat you differently because you two are meant to be, but he is just another shitty person leading two women on

Original poster

Chuneysandpickles · 07/10/2019 14:59

He is not leading me on whatsoever. To him I am a friend but typing all of this has made me see that he is indeed a terrible boyfriend. And I don’t want that. He speaks the f her like he feels sorry for her .

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4