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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wait for him

82 replies

Chuneysandpickles · 07/10/2019 10:36

I am in love with my best friend .He has a girlfriend but For many reasons based on what he says and what he does, I believe that they will not last.
I will never show my hand while they are together and I find it very painful if he name comes into conversation. I’m a shit actor so I just divert conversation. She dislikes our friendship.
Do I wait for him as I think he would be worth it in the long term or as a single woman in her early 40’s, do I cut my losses.?
Thanks.

OP posts:
angieloumc · 07/10/2019 15:01

How nasty are you? She's 'vulnerable' a 'fawner and gusher', a 'yes person'.
As a pp said you're 41 not 14. Grow up, you only want him because he's but available.

Original poster
Chuneysandpickles · 07/10/2019 15:04

I don’t think they are nasty . That is the truth Again , He being in a relationship was what was stopping me from telling my feelings to him so no, it’s quite the opposite

OP posts:
angieloumc · 07/10/2019 15:13

Calling her a fawner and gusher isn't nice; maybe she just loves her boyfriend.
I can't quite understand why myself, he sounds pretty dreadful.

pinkyredrose · 07/10/2019 17:02

How do you know she's vulnerable and a yes person?

Original poster
Chuneysandpickles · 07/10/2019 17:10

Because he has told Me so

OP posts:
onanothertrain · 07/10/2019 17:26

I wonder what he has told her about you. I'm pretty sure it won't be good

30to50FeralHogs · 07/10/2019 17:32

Sounds like you’re made for each other tbh. Tell him.

Do the other woman a favour - at least then he’ll leave her or he’ll have to stop his interactions with you once the cat’s out of the bag.

30to50FeralHogs · 07/10/2019 17:36

I don’t know what going on in their relationship but he has in the past discussed it with me ,especially at the beginning

He hasn’t told me he loves me since he met her but he has been sexually and personally inappropriate

she has been quite correct in her anger towards him based on his on line behaviour with me that she could see

I think you know full well why she doesn’t like you and why she has an issue with your friendship.

angieloumc · 07/10/2019 17:50

Wow he's a prince among men. You deserve each other.

HiJenny35 · 07/10/2019 18:51

Tell him, let him leave her while she's still young enough to find someone decent. She deserves someone who loves her like she loves him, who wants children with her and who is inappropriate behind her back. She correct to dislike you, this isn't a platonic friendship as you've said he's been sexually inappropriate whilst they've been together, stop messaging him and if he messages don't message back or tell him and let him leave her either way but you are screwing over the other woman by being on the sidelines waiting.

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 07/10/2019 19:05

You sure do have an opinion on someone you have never met.

CAG12 · 07/10/2019 19:10

🙄

Tell him.

What are you going to do otherwise? Sit around your entire life and listen to him talk about other women? Come on.

Pepperwand · 07/10/2019 19:23

You need to tell him. Both for your own benefit so that you are an active participant in your own life and not just sat waiting on the sidelines and also for his girlfriend's benefit, who doesn't deserve this and is currently young enough to move on and get what she wants from a relationship with someone who is truly commited to her.

CornishCreation · 07/10/2019 20:02

You have to ask yourself if he's hiding messages from her because she's uncomfortable with him being in contact with someone who would like to start something with him, would you ever be able to trust him knowing if you were unhappy with a situation he would do it in secrecy regardless of how you'd feel?

Doesitevenmatternow · 07/10/2019 20:15

He sounds kinda sneaky and immature. You do too.

But nobody is perfect and everyone deserves love.

I think you should tell him. Your 'friendship' is already dead in the water, sorry. I doubt he ever saw it as such tbh. it's hard to know how he will react given he seems to be behaving in a more respectful manner toward her now so he might realise she is the one he wants.

But do find out.

makingmammaries · 07/10/2019 20:23

You might as well show your hand. What kind of a ‘friendship’ can you have if you think you have to hide your feelings?
Stop hiding them (a melodramatic declaration of lurve is not essential) and let the chips fall where they may. Be prepared for the fact that he may not want to be with you, no matter how it looks to you just now. But you will not manage to keep the friendship by hiding your feelings, so you might as well show them.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/10/2019 20:34

He's a louse by being 'sexually inappropriate' and for some reason, you see to revel in that. You're behaving just as nastily and your jealousy of the girlfriend comes across very clearly.

Your posts come across as you having very little self-esteem and I get the impression that you wouldn't be able to keep this man if you did get him because he always has his eyes on other women. He sounds really horrible and as PP have said, if he wanted to be with you, he would. He doesn't.

He knows how you feel, you've said you can't hide your facial expressions - and he is still with his girlfriend. What does that tell you?

Are you so desperate for a friend that you'll settle for this pseudo-friendship? If he were truly your friend he wouldn't treat you this way, wouldn't be messing around with you and wouldn't string you along.

I think you're living in cloud cuckoo land and you will waste your life waiting for something that you can't have.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/10/2019 20:37

Oh... and you only have his account of how his girlfriend feels about your friendship with him. You have no idea of what goes on between them or if she is actually even aware or bothered about you/this friendship.

Have you posted about this before? It seems very familiar...

WickedLemon · 07/10/2019 20:41

Haha reading your posts it’s as clear as day why he’s keeping you two apart.

I’d love to hear what he’s told his girlfriend about you. I mean he’s been so derogatory about her to you, I’m sure that works both ways.

Sron · 07/10/2019 20:50

This man is a creep, OP. You seem to be labouring under the delusion that him being ‘sexually inappropriate’ (what does that even mean?) with you is a compliment to you, but this guy (who likes being ‘fawned over’) just likes having several women in the go, by the sound of things. If you became his girlfriend, you’d just be swapping positions in the triangle.

Original poster
Chuneysandpickles · 07/10/2019 20:56

Thanks for your postings. I see that he is a dickhead quite clearly . It’s unanimous on here as to the type of person he is . I don’t feel strung along as it was always one sided until now.. This may be a knee jerk reaction to the end of years of stress and upset in my life and I feel that I am ready to dip my toe back in . He was the safe option, or so I thought.Ive decided to keep quiet and move on with my life . I believe that I love him but it’s not worth losing the friendship over .I’m reconsidering my friendship today . Thanks for your help

OP posts:
Sron · 07/10/2019 21:00

Forget him, OP. Focus on yourself. Why do you think you’re in love with someone who’s so obviously awful?

Original poster
Chuneysandpickles · 07/10/2019 21:03

Habit?kind to me when no one else was? I’m not sure

OP posts:
angieloumc · 07/10/2019 21:54

He's not the only dickhead OP, you don't sound very nice either.

Original poster
Chuneysandpickles · 07/10/2019 21:56

And neither do you @angieloumc.

OP posts: