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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so livid i want to scream!!

122 replies

Icecreamlover63 · 07/10/2019 08:05

These are the facts:-
a)Youngest Daughter getting married at Easter to a lovely lad. Moving into Military accomodation they are very happy.
b)Wedding all booked and as its, 'their day' they have invited everyone they want to be there. My husband and me have respected that decision.
c) Due to our eldest Daughter having to pay for IVF so her and her partner can have a baby, we only have limited funds and have asked if my youngest daughter and her fiancee could put a cap on numbers.
d) His other wanted extra people to the wedding and we said if you want extra people you can but you will have to contriubte towards them coming.
e) 6 months ago this was not a problem and now she has asked for someone to come who my son in law has not seen for 14 years! He has told his mother that he doesn't want them to come.
f) his mother is now not coming to the wedding.

g) My dad died 6 weeks ago after a 10 week illness and it was so unexpected we are all still in shock. My eldest daughters baby is due this week. We are literally reeling with shock.
h) It is my daughters and her fiancees day and they should have who they want and not someone who either of them have seen in the last 15 years.
i) His mother walked out and left him and his brother a 1 years old and 3 years old and his father has brought them up.

My question is what would you do. I feel that her doing this has really upset my daughter and therefore has upset me. I feel i should talk to her and let her know that she has raised the stakes so high she may face a lifetime of empty birthdays and empty christmas's. I am literally floored, and feel so helpless. Please advise me

OP posts:

AuntieMarys · 07/10/2019 08:09

Why would she have empty birthdays and Christmasses?

enjoyingscience · 07/10/2019 08:09

Did you not set a ceiling on what you were contributing?

Rather than cancel Christmas for the foreseeable, can you not just say ‘we can only afford to for X’, and then they can cut their cloth accordingly?

You’re obviously very stressed, but it’s your DD and her fiancés problem to find their own wedding, surely.

SafetyAdvice0FeedWhenAgitated · 07/10/2019 08:10

I am massively confused what's happening there.
I just understand that there will be wedding....
I am sorry about you father too.

ImNotYourGranny · 07/10/2019 08:10

Ignore her and her drama. If she wants to refuse to come to her own son's wedding because she can't get her own way, leave her to wallow in her own spite.

Greedytiger · 07/10/2019 08:11

Why are you paying the bill? It’s their wedding kit yours.

If you wanted to contribute financially you should have been clear and gifted a set amount of money towards it. If it goes over this then they pay the rest.

coffeeaddiction · 07/10/2019 08:11

To be honest I think it's something you've just got to stay out of , this is your daughters/ son in law battle with her mother in law not yours .

Apart from giving your opinion on it to your daughter and maybe encouraging her to speak out about it I don't think there is anything you can and should do really

Greedytiger · 07/10/2019 08:11

*not

ImNotYourGranny · 07/10/2019 08:11

I am massively confused what's happening there.

The groom's mother is throwing a strop and refusing to come because she can't invite all and sundry to the wedding.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 07/10/2019 08:13

Your daughter and fiancé are adults- you should have told them a non negotiable non moveable amount you were kindly contributing to the costs and they figure out the rest! Comfort your daughter if she’s upset but don’t go speaking to her in-laws etc- that will backfire on you

TabbyMumz · 07/10/2019 08:13

I take it from what you have said that you are paying for the wedding. Cant you give your daughter x amount and leave it to them?

Sparklingbrook · 07/10/2019 08:15

Do the bride's parents still pay for weddings? I thought that was totally outdated.

I think you have enough to contend with at the moment, so if she doesn't go to the wedding so be it.

Dontcarewhatimdoing · 07/10/2019 08:15

Hard as it is I don't think you should do anything apart from be there to support your daughter and her partner. The relationship with his mother is clearly a difficult one but it is between them. If you get involved it can only make things worse.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/10/2019 08:15

She's a grown woman, if she doesn't want to come to her sins wedding, that's on her. Even if you hadn't capped numbers, she has no right to demand people come to a wedding that isn't hers.

As for your daughter and SIL just comfort them and reassure them it will be a lovely day. They're grown adults and its up to them to decide what happens going forward with his Mom

It isn't your thing to fix. Sounds like you want to fix everything g and make sure your daughters lives are perfect - paying for the IVF, paying for the wedding, trying to make his Mom a better person. We'll you can't always do it OP and as adults they need to learn this and to do it themselves.

Enjoy the baby and the wedding

SafetyAdvice0FeedWhenAgitated · 07/10/2019 08:17

@ImNotYourGranny oh! I see I need more coffee

You let them sort it. It will blow up then it will calm down in time. Plenty of time left before February.

SafetyAdvice0FeedWhenAgitated · 07/10/2019 08:18

Not Feb. Easter

Apolloanddaphne · 07/10/2019 08:19

It's not hard to understand. OP has helped her eldest DD to pay for IVF and has paid for here youngest DDs wedding.

The mother of the groom is being a brat and throwing her toys out the pram because she can't invite who she wants to the wedding and is now not coming.

Sounds difficult and not unlike what happened to a relative of mine when she was getting married. Her DF and step-DM ended up not coming to the wedding. It was much better all round for every one else attending.

PurpleDaisies · 07/10/2019 08:19

The guest list is their business-tell them how much you are able/prepared to contribute and let them organise the rest. I don’t think a couple should need to seek approval on who to invite to their wedding but if someone else is paying, they need to budget accordingly.

PurpleDaisies · 07/10/2019 08:22

Sorry, reread the op and have mis read a bit. The groom’s mother is out of order. If she wants the extra guests she should pay. Parents shouldn’t be dictating guest lists anyway.

geekone · 07/10/2019 08:22

So let me see if I have this correct

You are paying for most of the wedding
MOG is paying for extra people requested.
MOG wants someone at wedding no one else wants and now isn’t coming or contributing anymore which is causing stress.
MOG will be lonely forever if she does this.

If I am right

1/2/3 your daughter and her fiancé should now contribute a bit to the wedding.
MOG losing her son is their business, sorry, just keep out of it as should your DD the wedding will likely be better without her.

endofthelinefinally · 07/10/2019 08:31

If people are old enough to get married, they are old enough to organise their own wedding.
MOG is not your problem.
You have agreed your affordable contribution to the wedding.
Groom will have to sort out his mother.
I am sorry for your loss.

northerngirl2012 · 07/10/2019 08:46

I think you've got lots going on and you sound overwhelmed. Sorry for your loss. Is this perhaps the one thing that you can take a step back on and leave DD / dh2b to get on with?

Frazzledbutcalm · 07/10/2019 08:48

Your post is VERY confusing OP. - you have to read between the lines to get the gist!

Give your dd a set amount of money for the wedding (not the done thing nowadays btw for brides parents to pay for wedding). Let MIL sort herself out.

I’m so sorry you’ve lost your dad
Simple.

Sotoes · 07/10/2019 08:48

Presumably the fact she left her husband to bring up 2 toddlers is colouring your opinion OP. She does sound rather self centred.

If she doesn't attend will her son be very upset? If so then he needs to cover the extra cost of her guest, not you.

Frazzledbutcalm · 07/10/2019 08:48

*simple ... should have been line above ... referred to wedding situation.

Ludos · 07/10/2019 08:51

You pay a set amount. Your DD's STBMIL is her fiances problem.

You have enough going on.

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