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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be so livid i want to scream!!

122 replies

Icecreamlover63 · 07/10/2019 08:05

These are the facts:-
a)Youngest Daughter getting married at Easter to a lovely lad. Moving into Military accomodation they are very happy.
b)Wedding all booked and as its, 'their day' they have invited everyone they want to be there. My husband and me have respected that decision.
c) Due to our eldest Daughter having to pay for IVF so her and her partner can have a baby, we only have limited funds and have asked if my youngest daughter and her fiancee could put a cap on numbers.
d) His other wanted extra people to the wedding and we said if you want extra people you can but you will have to contriubte towards them coming.
e) 6 months ago this was not a problem and now she has asked for someone to come who my son in law has not seen for 14 years! He has told his mother that he doesn't want them to come.
f) his mother is now not coming to the wedding.

g) My dad died 6 weeks ago after a 10 week illness and it was so unexpected we are all still in shock. My eldest daughters baby is due this week. We are literally reeling with shock.
h) It is my daughters and her fiancees day and they should have who they want and not someone who either of them have seen in the last 15 years.
i) His mother walked out and left him and his brother a 1 years old and 3 years old and his father has brought them up.

My question is what would you do. I feel that her doing this has really upset my daughter and therefore has upset me. I feel i should talk to her and let her know that she has raised the stakes so high she may face a lifetime of empty birthdays and empty christmas's. I am literally floored, and feel so helpless. Please advise me

OP posts:
DeathStare · 07/10/2019 08:53

Tell you daughter and her partner how much you are prepared to contribute to the wedding and be clear about any expectations you have about the wedding that go along with contributing the money (eg that great aunt Maude has to be invited). Then butt out. Don't get involved in any drama involving the groom's mother (or anyone else). Your daughter and her DP are adults, they can sort it themselves.

BloggersBlog · 07/10/2019 08:54

Why is it confusing?? Mother of groom wants to feel she is important and is behaving like a stroppy toddler.
Let you son in law to be deal with it, you have enough on your plate. You have said if she wants extra then fine but she pays.
Sorry for your loss OP, I hope it all goes well with your new GC. Exciting times!

billy1966 · 07/10/2019 08:59

OP,

Clearly you have a lot going on.

Confirm with your DD the AMOUNT you are able to contribute.

Do not get involved with his mother's strop.

Not your circus, as people like to write on here.

If your DD is upset, advise her to leave it to her partner to sort out.

It can only become drama if you all allow it.

The correct reply to a strop"I'm not going now" is " that's a pity, thanks for letting us know".

End of.

NerrSnerr · 07/10/2019 09:00

I agree. Tell your daughter how much you can contribute and leave the rest for them. There's no need for you to get into arguments with the MIL.

katseyes7 · 07/10/2019 09:04

My mother pulled stunts like this before l married my ex husband. Every time we arranged something (evening reception, for example) she didn't think it was a good idea/didn't like the sound of it - she'd say "well l might not be there. l might be ill". l organised the entire thing with my htb and it was really upsetting me and stressing me out.
Until the last time she said that, and my htb shot her down with "well that's a shame, XXXX. Well at least you'll see the photos."
Sort out who's paying for what, and how many people you can accommodate. And leave her to her dramatics. lf she chooses not to go to her son's wedding, that's her circus and her monkeys. And her choice to spoil their relationship for good.

FuriousVexation · 07/10/2019 09:08

OP, sorry you lost your dad. That must be making things so much more stressful.

You mentioned this "mother" walked out on your SIL to be when he was a small child. I imagine this has given him a huge problem with attachment and an overwhelming need to placate her in order to "win" her love. For those of us who grew up in healthy families, it's easy to say "just tell her to fuck off!" and similar. Unfortunately for those who are still mired in the FOG, putting boundaries in place with parents can seem like an impossible task.

Rivkka · 07/10/2019 09:09

His mum doesn't come then.

I'd be glad if I was him and she'd left me when I was a baby. Don't you get involved though, it'll get way too messy.

Sorry about your dad Thanks

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/10/2019 09:11

Ignore her and her drama. If she wants to refuse to come to her own son's wedding because she can't get her own way, leave her to wallow in her own spite.

As above.

TBH, if I were the bride and groom I would tell her do fuck off, and would uninvited all of her extra guests, who would be there for her and not the wedding couple.

I suspect that they will try every which way to accommodate this witch, though - but if they give in to her emotional blackmail it will be a rod for their backs for the rest of their lives.

She sounds a cowbag, anyway. I can understand a woman leaving her husband if she was in a dreadful marriage - bu abandoning her children? Nope!

donethinkin · 07/10/2019 09:11

I'm sorry about your dad and understandably you are stressed but you are transferring here. You are taking out your bereavement grief on the wedding stuff. They are not related. Look at the title of your post. Its hugely OTT. The first thing you need to do is breathe and calm down. Don't do or say anything. You are getting involved and stoking it all up because you need to have an outlet for your grief. Stop. Back away from the wedding stuff. Its not important. If she doesn't want to come, shrug your shoulders, say "meh" and get on with your day. This is not World War 3 but you are making it into it. You need to be a role model and set the example of how to behave to your children. That is not over react to wedding stuff. You just smile politely when any wedding issues arise and say "thats a shame" and then change the topic. None of this is important in the grand scheme of life and somebody who has just lost a parent should really have the self awareness to realise this. Tell them how much you are contribuiting and thats the end. Other than that the only thing you need to know/be involved with is what outfit you are wearing and where you need to be and what time. End of. You are making your life too difficult and nobody needs all of this drama. Step away.

deste · 07/10/2019 09:11

The OP has set a cap, his mother walked out before and she is threatening again. Just tell her it’s a shame she won’t be there and they can always sit someone else at her seat at the top table. And as the above post said “ she can always see the photos. ( perfect answer)

FriedasCarLoad · 07/10/2019 09:12

Still normal amongst most people I know for the bride’s parents to pay the bulk of the cost for the wedding. I accept that lots now don’t, but it’s not abnormal or outdated in every social group.

OP, it’s fine to say you can’t contribute any more, and if MOG wants more guests, she needs to

  1. get B&G’s permission and
  2. pay for them.

I think it’d be fine to reassure B&G that they’re not obligated to agree, but it doesn’t sound like MOG is the kind to listen to reasoned advice, so maybe don’t waste your effort there.

Hoghgyni · 07/10/2019 09:13

It sounds as though you have a very close & supportive family. Unfortunately it sounds as though your future son in law doesn't. His mother is his problem & it won't end well If you try to interfere. As everyone else has said, work out exactly how much you can comfortably afford to contribute to the wedding, transfer the money across and then sit back and enjoy your new grandchild and the wedding whilst grieving for your own dad. It's not your battle to fight.

CapturedFairy · 07/10/2019 09:15

If the MOG has invited people that the B&G do not want and the MOG is now not attending, then they can un-invite the extra guests (unless invitations have already gone out) and that is how they should put it to the MOG.

Ridiculous behaviour from an adult, did she stomp her feet as well?

Just tell your DD and son-in-law to be that the only response to such an outburst is not to pacify her but to remove all her power by saying, well of course we want you there but if you don't want to come we understand.

AmIThough · 07/10/2019 09:16

So you're paying for the wedding?

Is groom happy to go ahead without his mother?

Is the issue the extra guests that she's supposed to be paying for?

AmIThough · 07/10/2019 09:17

Ps sorry for your loss Thanks

peachgreen · 07/10/2019 09:17

Stop worrying about it, OP. Your daughter is an adult, her fiance is an adult, and they can deal with this situation themselves. Set a figure, give them the money, let them deal with it. You've got enough going on.

inwood · 07/10/2019 09:20

Not your problem op. They're all adults and can figure it out themselves. Give them £x if you're minded to and let them sort it.

Member984815 · 07/10/2019 09:22

Why are you paying ? Your daughter and fiance should pay for their own wedding , if you want to contribute just tell them the amount you will give them and let them handle the groom's mother's issues themselves.

Atalune · 07/10/2019 09:24

Yes, I echo everyone’s point. Give them the set amount. Then leave them to sort it out.

You’re obviously in a heightened emotional state due to the loss of your dad and a new baby. However you’re also conflating a lot of issues.

Let the MOG throw her tantrum. She’ll calm down.

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 07/10/2019 09:24

You know how much you paid for eldest to have IVF. Are you matching that? Or what you paid for eldest's wedding?

Have a set figure and let your daughter and som know what it is. Communicate what you've paid/contractually agreed to in proper detail to them.

Let them deal with his mother and the long lost relatives she wants to invite. Stay out it.

Grieve your loss separately Flowers

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 07/10/2019 09:24

Son in law*

MzHz · 07/10/2019 09:26

Your son in law to be can manage this

He’s had a life time of his mother being an enormous disappointment

She’s now being exactly the same as she’s always been - manipulative and a pita

If she says she’s not coming - then she’s not coming

That’s her choice.

Tbh, your dd needs to just give thanks to god that she ISNT coming to the wedding! She’d only make it about herself anyway

People with good families don’t know understand what it’s like to have parents like her.

Follow the son in laws lead. Let her get herself cut off

She’s fucking lucky to have been invited in the first place. Her invitation needs to be revoked so it’s made clear she’s not welcome

LoveGrowsWhere · 07/10/2019 09:26

You do nothing. They are all adults and can sort it out without stoking the fire with threats of empty Christmases.

holidays987 · 07/10/2019 09:28

Set a maximum amount you are happy to contribute to the wedding. For example £10K. If they go over that amount, due to the number of guests, added extras then the couple can make the difference.

I don't think you should become involved in speaking to his mother about it. She sounds odd and unreasonable, but it's for her son to address not you. Just cap the money.

Skinnydogfatcat1 · 07/10/2019 09:29

All the stress is building up but it doesn't need to.
Your emotions are getting the best of you.

I am so sorry that you have lost your father, take time to grieve.
Tell the daughter that is getting married this is how much you are providing, they need to find the rest. And you stand by them on who they want to invite. The mothers sounds flaky at best it is her decision if she comes to the wedding.

Congrats on becoming a grandma. Focus on this as this is the cycle of life and the symbol of a new beginning.

Just take a step back and appreciate what you have, a daughter who is about to become a mum, a daughter who is going to marry the love of her life. things are pretty good. Think how proud your father would of been on your family.

Congrats on being a super mother. Hug both your girls and tell them how much you love them, cry with happiness and cry with sadness for you father but also give thanks for his life & your memories of him.