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Original poster

To be so livid i want to scream!!

122 replies

Icecreamlover63 · 07/10/2019 08:05

These are the facts:-
a)Youngest Daughter getting married at Easter to a lovely lad. Moving into Military accomodation they are very happy.
b)Wedding all booked and as its, 'their day' they have invited everyone they want to be there. My husband and me have respected that decision.
c) Due to our eldest Daughter having to pay for IVF so her and her partner can have a baby, we only have limited funds and have asked if my youngest daughter and her fiancee could put a cap on numbers.
d) His other wanted extra people to the wedding and we said if you want extra people you can but you will have to contriubte towards them coming.
e) 6 months ago this was not a problem and now she has asked for someone to come who my son in law has not seen for 14 years! He has told his mother that he doesn't want them to come.
f) his mother is now not coming to the wedding.

g) My dad died 6 weeks ago after a 10 week illness and it was so unexpected we are all still in shock. My eldest daughters baby is due this week. We are literally reeling with shock.
h) It is my daughters and her fiancees day and they should have who they want and not someone who either of them have seen in the last 15 years.
i) His mother walked out and left him and his brother a 1 years old and 3 years old and his father has brought them up.

My question is what would you do. I feel that her doing this has really upset my daughter and therefore has upset me. I feel i should talk to her and let her know that she has raised the stakes so high she may face a lifetime of empty birthdays and empty christmas's. I am literally floored, and feel so helpless. Please advise me

OP posts:
zzzzzzzz12345 · 07/10/2019 09:29

I’m always bemused by how people’s parents seek to control who gets to go to weddings. My parents contributed XXX and left us to it. It’s a contribution, not a means to control.

I’d be cross on your daughter’s behalf too but you can’t fight her MIL battles. I agree with pp that this is her husband’s issue to sort. Your best tactic is to be calm and advise tempered responses by your daughter. Don’t throw oil on the fire by say8ng how cross you are - that’s both irrelevant and unhelpful. You have lots going on which is clouding your view quite understandably but don’t let this translate into what you tell your daughter. Be her rock by all means but don’t take on her troubles as your own.

Oysterbabe · 07/10/2019 09:29

When we got married both sets of parents gave us some money and had no further involvement in planning. I suggest you take this approach too.

zzzzzzzz12345 · 07/10/2019 09:30

@Skinnydogfatcat1, the loveliest post I’ve seen on here in a long time. Wise words.

roisinagusniamh · 07/10/2019 09:31

Agree with Lovegrows...leave them to it.

KatyCarrCan · 07/10/2019 09:34

Stay out of it. They are all adults and can work it out themselves.
I wouldn't even be judgemental about the guest that has caused the fall out since there might be some family dynamic there that you're missing.
Let your DD and her DF to decide what to do about his DM.
I'm so sorry for your loss and you're having such an emotional time waiting for your GC to arrive too. Be kind to yourself Flowers

IsobelRae23 · 07/10/2019 09:34

I’m a bit confused by the post sorry. From what I can gather-

I’m so sorry to hear of your father passing
Congratulations on the imminent birth of your grandchild
Leave the guest list to your daughter and future son in law
Leave MIL to your future son in law
Give what money you are prepare to give, and let them sort out the rest.

Apologies if I’ve missed something.

whatthehek · 07/10/2019 09:36

I also think you should just clarify how much you're going to spend and that's it. It's their wedding, they need to be grown ups and sort it and deal with the fall out with his mother. It's not your issue.

You need to grieve. They are not priority right now, but your own sanity is.

Your eldest is expecting, don't allow that to be a stress factor. It should be a happy time.

You don't need this drama. If you're not careful the stress will get the better of you. State your amount, step back and concentrate on your grieving process. Everyone else are being incredibly selfish right now.

Doilooklikeatourist · 07/10/2019 09:36

As Skinnydogfatcat so perfectly said

GabriellaMontez · 07/10/2019 09:42

It's for your daughter and htb to set boundaries now with the MIL.

If they can't do this now they will have problems in future.

You could point this out to her.

It's their problem not yours. You've done your bit.

Sorry for your loss xx

everyonecaneffoff · 07/10/2019 09:45

You have enough on your plate with the death of your Dad.
Work out how much you can afford to pay for the wedding. Tell your daughter that this is how much you will and transfer the funds. They can then use this money as they think fit. If it ends up costing more then they will have to make up the difference. Or they will have to make cutbacks - eg. number of guests, type of meal etc.
Ignore any drama with DD's MIL, she sounds toxic. She doesn't have to come to the wedding. If she's going to flounce off because of one guest not being invited then she has a serious problem.
Do not make her problem your problem.

BraveGoldie · 07/10/2019 09:45

Op don't let your daughter's MIL become the center of things. She is not. Your father, your becoming a grandma, and your daughter getting married are at the Centre. Her guest dramas are right at the edge. It may be that she finds this hard to bear, which is why she is kicking up. Don't let her.

My MIL did this at the time of my wedding. She concocted a huge drama about breaking up with a man she had barely been with and threatened suicide. She also declared the way the wedding was being run was all wrong and threatened not to come. She also threatened to stand up in the middle of the ceremony and denounce the man who had dumped her.....It stressed me out awfully and distressed my mother, who tried to protect me from it, all while her own mother was going blind.....

MIL did turn up to the wedding, behaved impeccably, swanning around in new designer outfits..... she achieved what she most needed deep down - to be at the Centre of drama at a time that she was actually fairly peripheral.

Keep hold of the experience for yourself and your daughter, and don't worry about the MIL's christmases or anything else.....

I also sorry about your father. Xx

Passthecherrycoke · 07/10/2019 09:46

Ignore her. Say sorry you aren’t going to be there but we respect your choice

She just wants a reaction. Attention seeker

shinysinkredemption · 07/10/2019 09:52

As others have said, there's no reason for you to do anything. I hope your youngest daughter knows how much you're contributing to the cost of the wedding. If they want more people, they'll have to find ways to cut costs to accommodate this.
It's up to your daughter's fiancee to let his mother know that someone is or isn't welcome; if he hasn't got the gumption to do this then he'll have to suck it up. I absolutely think you should stay well out of it; what good could come of you telling her to think about how her son feels? She doesn't sound the sort to take advice kindly, and I think you know that.
I'm sorry to hear about your loss; grief is a terrible thing to bear at what should be such a happy time.
If you can, try to focus on all the positives; that your daughter is marrying a man she loves and they have an exciting future as a military family.

maddening · 07/10/2019 09:55

Fuck it let the drama llama sulk I say, one less stress at the wedding. If she is throwing a strop now she is highly likely to cause trouble on the day.

Justneedaflippingtemporaryname · 07/10/2019 09:59

Why is it confusing??

It's confusing because OP wrote 'other' instead of 'mother', so it took a few re-reads to work out where the typo was and wtf was going on!

DishingOutDone · 07/10/2019 10:12

MOG is a total attention seeking twat. Early on posters were saying if she didn't want to come that would probably not be a huge loss, but in any case, its not really your decision, you have gifted £x and that's the end of it. So sorry for your loss but focus on new grandchild now and let other DD sort out her wedding.

Groom must deal with his own parent.

MerryMarigold · 07/10/2019 10:16

I know your daughter's future MIL has upset her, but genuinely it's none of your business. Your dd is her own person, can make her own decisions about HER MIL and how she wants to respond. You can only support your dd's decisions and possibly advise if she asks.

I wouldn't warn the MIL about anything. If she's toxic it will show up in other ways and perhaps it is best for your dd to realise what she's like before she has kids and allows them to get close to their grandmother on that side.

I think maybe you feel a bit bad that some of the upset is your fault because you can't afford to pay for more people at the wedding. Please, please don't feel like that (if you are feeling this). This is nothing to do with how much can be afforded and everything to do with someone showing their true colours. If it wasn't this, it would be something else she'd strop over, I am sure.

As pp's have said. The best response your dd and her fiancé can give is: So sorry you don't want to come anymore. Please let us know by x date if you change your mind. This will then not allow her to 'change her mind' at the last minute.

LagunaBubbles · 07/10/2019 10:18

Why are you stressed? Your DDs relationship with her MIL isn't your responsibility. If your Son in law doesn't want to invite someone then he doesnt. Reasonably sure MIL will be at the wedding to.

ChicCroissant · 07/10/2019 10:27

Do not speak to the groom's mother, do not threaten her with 'empty birthdays and Christmas' - you don't like her, but there is absolutely no need for you to get involved at all with her.

I am sorry for your recent loss. But your use of language points to you being extremely over-dramatic and that's not helping the situation.

sandragreen · 07/10/2019 10:36

I feel i should talk to her and let her know that she has raised the stakes so high she may face a lifetime of empty birthdays and empty christmas's. I am literally floored, and feel so helpless. Please advise me

I am sorry for your loss OP. I suspect that if you were not so totally overwhelmed you would not be reacting to this in such a dramatic fashion.

What MOG does is absolutely none of your concern outside of how it might have impacted you financially, which you appear to have set appropriate boundaries on. Her relationship with her son and with your daughter is up to her to manage, not you.

Take a huge step back and focus on the things in your immediate sphere. Your grief for your father, your joy at your DD baby, and your happiness at your DD wedding. Flowers

Idontwanttotalk · 07/10/2019 10:41

"I feel i should talk to her and let her know that she has raised the stakes so high she may face a lifetime of empty birthdays and empty christmas's. I am literally floored, and feel so helpless. Please advise me'
I would not talk to her about this as you have enough going in in your life without ending up in the firing line. You have told your DD and her fiance how many people they can invite and it is up to them to ensure only that amount are invited. Don't get involved.

The time for his mother to speak up was 6 months ago and, even then, her son still gets to refuse anyone he doesn't want there.

I think it is up to your future son-in-law to deal with his mother and explain that her threatening not to attend will not lead to him inviting the person who he doesn't want to come. He needs to stand firm on this. If she doesn't attend as a result then so be it. She sounds awful so maybe it will be better without her.

Keep out of any arguments and concentrate on looking after yourself and take time to grieve the loss of your father. Please accept my sincere condolences on your loss. Flowers

zebrasdontwearbras · 07/10/2019 10:47

You have a lot going on OP, and I'm sorry for your loss. Thanks

If I'm understanding this correctly, I think you have played your part - you are providing a lump sum for the wedding, and presumably doing all the mother of the bride stuff.

It's up to your son-in-law-to-be to sort out his mother's tantrums, and it's up to the couple to decide who to have at their wedding. They can either stump up the amount for the extra guests, or call his mother's bluff. Up to them. Just offer a sympathetic ear to your DD if she needs it.

madeyemoodysmum · 07/10/2019 10:54

Who cares about the grooms mother. She left her kids as babies.

Now she gets to call the shots. Stuff her. Ignore and support your dd. Ok you can’t afford more cash but why would you cut her off from seeing you in the future.

I get your grief and that’s most likely affecting your feelings but this isn’t yr dds fault. Let the groom deal with his mother or your as bad as the mil.

Jellybeansincognito · 07/10/2019 11:02

I’m really sorry about your dad, I went through the same with my mum.

The rest- you really need to just let them get on with it and give them your financial limit. The rest doesn’t concern you.

‘ It is my daughters and her fiancees day and they should have who they want and not someone who either of them have seen in the last 15 years.’ - this doesn’t make sense.

I think it’s best you just let them decide.

gingersausage · 07/10/2019 11:13

Honestly, you are way over-involved and over-invested in all this. I don’t even understand why you are forking out all this money in the first place, but that’s your look-out.

There’s no need for you to have anything to do with the relationship between your daughter and her MIL. It’s none of your business. They are all adults, so just leave them to it. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of drama if you start getting involved now.

My parents and my in-laws aren’t particularly fond of each other. They exchange Christmas cards and ask politely after one another and that’s that. No need for drama or animosity, but no reason to be best mates either just because their offspring happened to meet and marry.

Grieve for your father and enjoy the baby and forget the rest of it. The wedding is one (fairly insignificant) day for goodness sake.