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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so livid i want to scream!!

122 replies

Icecreamlover63 · 07/10/2019 08:05

These are the facts:-
a)Youngest Daughter getting married at Easter to a lovely lad. Moving into Military accomodation they are very happy.
b)Wedding all booked and as its, 'their day' they have invited everyone they want to be there. My husband and me have respected that decision.
c) Due to our eldest Daughter having to pay for IVF so her and her partner can have a baby, we only have limited funds and have asked if my youngest daughter and her fiancee could put a cap on numbers.
d) His other wanted extra people to the wedding and we said if you want extra people you can but you will have to contriubte towards them coming.
e) 6 months ago this was not a problem and now she has asked for someone to come who my son in law has not seen for 14 years! He has told his mother that he doesn't want them to come.
f) his mother is now not coming to the wedding.

g) My dad died 6 weeks ago after a 10 week illness and it was so unexpected we are all still in shock. My eldest daughters baby is due this week. We are literally reeling with shock.
h) It is my daughters and her fiancees day and they should have who they want and not someone who either of them have seen in the last 15 years.
i) His mother walked out and left him and his brother a 1 years old and 3 years old and his father has brought them up.

My question is what would you do. I feel that her doing this has really upset my daughter and therefore has upset me. I feel i should talk to her and let her know that she has raised the stakes so high she may face a lifetime of empty birthdays and empty christmas's. I am literally floored, and feel so helpless. Please advise me

OP posts:
Icantthinkofanewname87 · 07/10/2019 11:19

I just don’t think it’s that big of a deal if his mum doesn’t come - it sounds like they’re not close anyway and you can get involved if you want but doubt it would help much.

NearlyGranny · 07/10/2019 11:21

In one way, the problem is already solved; if MoG strops off, her place can be taken by the random she wants to invite, right?

But seriously, you have enough on your plate. This dispute is nothing you have to solve or get involved in at all. You've set the budget: the bride and groom control the guest list. End of. Get them to tell you when it's sorted and put it from your mind now.

This is for the groom to thrash out privately with his mother. YOUR DAD should not be drawn in. I'd be inclined, in his shoes, to tell her a simple no to the extra guest and if she insists, say she has to decide who gets the invite, her or the random, reminding her it's not her day!

Does she have form as a drama llama and wanting everything to be about her?

My own late FiL was an attention seeker who loved the drama of being coaxed and pleaded with. When our wedding was planned, I got loads of anxious traffic from DH's lovely mother that he was refusing to attend and might mean it. My family was so straightforward I hadn't a clue what he was about. I was a perfectly appropriate bride for his DS and there was no reasonable objection I could think of.

I just shrugged and said whatever he wanted was fine by me, he was invited, he was welcome and we'd get married whether he was there or not.

Turned out to be the smartest way to deal with his tendency to create needless drama.

DriftingLeaves · 07/10/2019 11:22

Leave her to her sulk.

Ginkypig · 07/10/2019 11:22

If she doesn't want to come then all of you just be fine with that and get on with the day.

She wants you all to react like she is so important that you all have to fall over yourselves to chase her and she can come back with all her wants met.

she is an adult so it's up to her to choose how she wants to behave and to expect the ramifications of those choices

NearlyGranny · 07/10/2019 11:22

Your DD, not your dad. 🙄

fedup21 · 07/10/2019 11:27

c)Due to our eldest Daughter having to pay for IVF so her and her partner can have a baby

What has your eldest daughter having to pay for IVF got to do with your youngest daughter’s wedding numbers?

Choice4567 · 07/10/2019 11:40

Yup having read the OP a few times, not entirely sure why you’re so worried. What do you mean you’re respected their decision to invite who they want? Why on earth wouldn’t you? Are you paying for the wedding or contributing?

TriDreigiau · 07/10/2019 11:41

Give them the set amount. Then leave them to sort it out

^^ This. Your DD will have to deal with her MIL - or preferably her DS will.

You can listen to your DD - and can gently make suggestions to her but you can't solve this issue for her.

In fact in these situations getting involved tends to blow up in your face and leave everyone unhappy with you.

If you can't listening to her being uspet then - say something along lines of I'm sorry but this is something your and your DP will have to sort yourselves - we've given x amount which is all we can afford and we think it the day will be fantastic and change the subject.

NoSquirrels · 07/10/2019 11:44

My question is what would you do.

NOTHING.

Sympathise with your DD that her future MIL is a difficult person.

Send your love to your future SIL and understand that he has a difficult relationship with some of his family.

Counsel them both not to take it personally and not to be manipulated.

Rise above it.

Thank your lucky stars your own family is not dysfunctional.

ABOVE ALL ELSE do not become a problem yourself, by wading in. Do not drama llama this and make it about you, your family, your feelings.

Support your DD and future SIL in their decisions, that is all.

fedup21 · 07/10/2019 11:51

Who is paying for the wedding-that’s possibly the sort of information that would have been worth mentioning in your OP!

CreamJug · 07/10/2019 11:52

I agree with @fedup21 -- the fact that you're paying for another daughter's IVF is irrelevant. Allocate the couple getting married whatever sum you can afford, and then step back. It isn't your wedding, and in your grief-stricken condition, you seem to be linking things which really aren't linked, and taking on far too much responsibility, which doesn't do anyone any favours. You shouldn't be in contact with your daughter's fiancé's mother, whatever demands she is making. The guest list shouldn't be your shout. Who brought up your daughter's fiancé is not your problem. I'm genuinely not sure what you mean about 'empty birthdays and empty Christmases', but again, someone else's decisions are not your affair. Your daughter's fiancé needs to deal with his mother, and the two people getting married deal with the guest list.

As a pp said, step right back, focus on your outfit, and be kind to yourself in your sudden bereavement. You stepping out of all this drama is best for you and for everyone.

CreamJug · 07/10/2019 11:54

Who is paying for the wedding-that’s possibly the sort of information that would have been worth mentioning in your OP!

The OP and her husband are paying for it, judging by her opening post.

fedup21 · 07/10/2019 11:55

c)Due to our eldest Daughter having to pay for IVF so her and her partner can have a baby

You said here your eldest daughter is paying for IVF. Do you actually mean that you are paying for IVF??

No wonder I’m confused.

TriDreigiau · 07/10/2019 11:58

I thought reading the opening post that the other DD IVF was reason the OP can't afford to pay more to this wedding.

Thus the extra guests they couldn't afford to pay for the Grooms mother was paying some towards initailly - now it's a guest too far from her and that offer has been taken away.

TBH I think paying of the wedding is generous - but giving them a set amount making it clear that's it - and leaving them to divy it up how they want is way forward.

TriDreigiau · 07/10/2019 12:00

You said here your eldest daughter is paying for IVF. Do you actually mean that you are paying for IVF??

I thought that was what was meant - or at least the OP was making a substantial contribution to it – otherwise it’s not relevant to the wedding costs Op is facing.

Blondebakingmumma · 07/10/2019 12:15

So sorry for your loss. I think you may be emotionally charged with the loss of your father and a grandchild arriving soon. Give your daughter and partner what money you have set aside for the wedding. If they want any extra guests it will be up to them to find the extra money.

Don’t get involved in wedding or family drama

PlasticPatty · 07/10/2019 12:26

OP, take a deep breath. I'm sorry for your loss.

You don't have to get involved in this woman's drama. If the son in law is happy with the distant relative not coming, that's fine. If his mother then chooses not to go to his wedding, her loss.

My daughter's father decided that neither he nor any member of his family would attend her wedding. They didn't. We saved over £500 in meals (in 2004) and were very happy on the day. Obviously, her dad isn't on her wedding photos. More fool him. He's dead now but for goodness sake, what a prat. His own daughter's wedding.

Not your circus, OP, and the mother is not your monkey. Leave her to it.

starfishmummy · 07/10/2019 12:30

Is it avout the money? SIL to be doesn't want this person at the wedding therefore there's no one extra to pay for. Not sure why thats a problem!!

Waveysnail · 07/10/2019 12:37

Sad to say it's not uncommon scenario in the military regarding dysfunctional families. This who mother thing has happen in two military weddings I attended.

You need to have big heart to heart with daughter and soon to be son in law. Find out if they still want to do the big wedding. What u can do to help son in law. Forget about his mother and support them as best u can

IncrediblySadToo · 07/10/2019 12:47

I’m so sorry about your Dad 💐

Look after yourself, look forward to meeting your Grandchild and ignore the stropping mare - Empty threats (unfortunately) she’ll be there to prove she’s a wonderful mother (though others know better). Just ignore 🌷

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 07/10/2019 12:54

Livid is quite an overreaction.

So she is stropping and refusing to come? So? Shrug your shoulders and say “meh”. It’s her choice. It isnt your problem. Don’t get involved. Pay for what you want to pay for, leave the guest list to your daughter and SIL and let them deal with the other mother.

Pringlesfortea · 07/10/2019 13:10

Why are you paying for her wedding? She is an adult? She pays for her own wedding
Why did you pay for ivf...your daughter is an adult? Pays for her own ivf
They are adults ,you are too involved

Original poster
Icecreamlover63 · 07/10/2019 13:26

Maybe I didn’t explain myself properly- basically we are not paying for the whole wedding my daughter and fiancé are paying towards it too. When I referred to my eldest daughter IVF it was just to highlight it’s been a rather expensive year as I gave her a contribution towards it. Unfortunately there was no NHS funding as they are a same sex couple so we said we would help.

I’ve calmed down now and feel if she doesn’t want yo gone then fine. However I really don’t know how she would ever rebuild a relationship with her son after this and that is what has made me feel sad. What happened 20 years ago has nothing to do with today but the behaviour she is displaying makes me think there must have been a lot more to it . But as I say it’s the here and now I’m thinking of and I have a daughter that is devastated that any mother could behave that way and I am quite frankly at a loss

OP posts:
Straycatstrut · 07/10/2019 13:42

Tell MOG to invite this friend from 15 years ago out for tea or something Confused sounds like she just wants more people there for her. Why would this person want to go to a couples wedding whom they hadn't seen in soooooo long? That's massively awkward.

Wonkybanana · 07/10/2019 13:45

OP this is my impression from reading your first post, that the B&G are (or were) happy working to the budget they have. They're not feeling short changed. However you've said that they've invited everyone they want to be there and that you've respected their decision. Does that mean there are people (relatives) that you would have liked to see invited but who haven't been? And that the MOG hasn't accepted it as you have?

If the B&G are happy, then you have to let them get on with it as they see fit. You've said it's upset your daughter, but not how the groom feels about it, which surely is even more important? This might be a good time for you to help your daughter understand that not all families are like hers.