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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

“Over attachment”

93 replies

TheSheepofWallSt · 07/10/2019 07:59

Haven’t been on MN much in the last 6 months, but whenever I’ve popped on, there seems to be at least 2 or 3 trending threads with mothers handwringing over “over attachment” or being “too attached” to their babies.

Invariably it transpires that they are being told by family or partners that they ought to let their very young babies (under a year) go for overnights - in some cases week long trips- with their parents, in laws, husband ... and that the gut wrenching terror this inspires is unreasonable .

AIBU or is this a) a trend and b) A fucking horrifying one at that.

And I worry is a symptom of the age of “gratification at any cost” What sort of world is it where mothers are told “ignore every screaming instinct” to hold onto your baby, and hand it over to other adults for their convenience or to play at “babies” with?!

OP posts:

Reallybadidea · 07/10/2019 08:06

There does seem to be an increasing number of posters whose mother or mother in law is desperate to have the baby overnight on a regular basis. It's not something I recognise from my own family or friends at all. I'm not sure whether it's a new thing (my children are older teenagers) or just a different demographic - in my social circle it's unusual to live close enough to your parents for this to be possible.

GPatz · 07/10/2019 08:07

I tend not to take parenting advice from AIBU

Its never been an issue for me. My family and in laws are respectful of our wishes as parents.

However, if someone wants to leave their baby to go on a holiday or have a break, that's their choice, good for them, no judgement here. Just don't judge my decision not to do that.

crispysausagerolls · 07/10/2019 08:07

You will probably get pilloried but I really fucking agree with you! I genuinely don’t see the point of having a baby if, whilst they are a baby and really need you, you aren’t there. They are little for such a tiny amount of time - dinners and parties will be there when they are older.

BeanBag7 · 07/10/2019 08:08

I rarely see threads on that topic.
I do think it's good for children to spend time with different care givers, e.g. a morning at grandma's house, a walk round the park with Uncle and Auntie.
I know more than one 2/3 year old who has a screaming fit when their mum leaves to go to the loo because they've never been away from her.
However, I do think weeks away at that age are ridiculous.

Original poster

TheSheepofWallSt · 07/10/2019 08:09

I’ve no issue with mothers sending babies off if they want to! Good for them- have a sleep, eat dinner in peace, and maybe have a shit without having to jump off the loo midway.

That’s not the AIBU... it’s when mothers clearly DONT want to are being pressured- that’s what I’m seeing and really don’t like...,

OP posts:

GPatz · 07/10/2019 08:12

I think I was trying to say that I have been on threads before as one who would not leave their young baby overnight and have been judged for doing so by those who would.

Settlersofcatan · 07/10/2019 08:18

I am just overcome with jealousy that others have relatives competing to look after their young children!

I have had one night of childcare from my dad - while I was in labour with my second.

Ohnoherewego62 · 07/10/2019 08:19

I'm not giving little one overnight until I'm ready to do so. When shes a little older, I'll look at it then. I dont judge anyone that does but its not for me.

When my little one was weeks old, a family member had her for a couple of hours and as dramatic as it sounds, I felt awful without her. Truly horrible. So I didn't do it again until she was over 6 months.

Now it's not so bad but i still have that tiny bit of protective feeling or attached feeling and I have had comments about it especially when she was little about people having her for a few hours. It just made me feel ill.

I work aswell but that's different. I need to provide and pay bills. I think my family and dps family are great with her but atm when shes crying for me, I'd rather be there for her to comfort her until that phase passes.

She sees family members now regularly and is a very sociable little one. It does them good to see other people and have little friends too but if you're not feeling it then dont force it.

Chloe9 · 07/10/2019 08:21

I'm "over attached" to my baby. If he cries I have to respond straight away (I can't just let him cry) and I struggle to leave him for an hour with somebody else. I "hover" when anybody else does anything for him. I struggle to let other people take him for a bottle or a nappy change because it's like having my heart taken out of my body, I feel stressed until he's back with me. I was like that with my older two as well. Sometimes when my baby sleeps through the night (in his cot) I yearn to have a cuddle but know I need to let him sleep (when I should just sleep myself not check on him repeatedly). Because that's what it's like in the beginning. With my older kids, I am happy to wave them off for school, nursery, over night camping trips, etc. Etc. It's not that I'm less connected to them, it's just that relationship has evolved. And with a baby of a few weeks or months old (the first year or so) you are meant to feel that close to a baby (and they to you). It's only an issue if it gets in the way of what you need to do. And by NEED I mean need. I will be fine leaving mine in childcare when I go to work, because it's necessary, or so I could go to the dentists or something, but I'm not going to be leaving a baby anywhere for a weekend or overnight that isn't absolutely necessary. We are meant to be this close right now. So "if over attached" will become "healthy attachment" later, and everybody's time line is different so for some people that might be 6 weeks, others 6 months, others 4 years when they drop them at school on their first day.

possumgoddess · 07/10/2019 08:26

I've had my grandchildren overnight roughly once a month since they stopped being breastfed. It gives their parents a break and some time to themselves and it got them used to being away from home. It means that if there is ever a reason why they need to be looked after they are happy to come to us. I was never 'desperate' to have them but I am happy to do so and they love coming to us. Now they are bigger they get asked if they want to come and stay and frequently ask to stay. I don't agree with grandparents etc. demanding to have their grandchildren but I really don't understand why somebody would be reluctant to allow their child to be looked after overnight by somebody they know really well and trust. Perhaps I'm unnatural but I couldn't wait to have the occasional break from mine when they were small and I loved them to bits! (And still do 😁)

PuntoAmongstThePorsches · 07/10/2019 08:28

I never felt happy leaving mine early, I think they were all aroun three before any overnights, they'd have been fine before that but the opportunity never arose.

What I don't agree with is leaving very tiny babies overnight. We live in quite a working class, rural area with lots of big extended families, and it's the done thing to leave your newborn with your mum so you can have "a night to yourself". We're talking babies of a few weeks old. The youngest I heard was a week old. Sometimes granny will take baby one Saturday night, auntie the rest. I really, really don't think it's OK to do that with a baby that age. They need their mums.

LetThemEatDrama · 07/10/2019 08:32

YANBU, if the parents are ok leaving the baby then fine but there should be no pressure. All this 'over attachment' idea ignores the fact that a baby isn't even aware enough of the attachment to 'play on' it until about a year old so there's no point worrying about 'spoiling' them until after this at least.

It's a good idea to build attachment with others, ie letting granny have a 5 minute cuddle, but any decent info on attachment screams that leaving a baby away from the primary caregiver(s) for any length of time makes them more unsettled and clingy, not less.

WonderTweek · 07/10/2019 08:36

I was definitely "over attached" to my baby but I didn't care. It was a bit awkward sometimes when my father in law's wife was making all these plans to have him overnight at 4 months or so, but I'm glad we didn't budge as they eventually stopped asking. (She did take him "for a quick stroll around the block" when he was a few weeks old, didn't return for hours and turned her phone off, which didn't help. )

It's entirely up to the parents. If they are happy to leave their baby with someone they can trust, then go for it. But if you don't want to you really don't have to. There are lots of other things grandparents can do with their grandkids that don't involve overnight stays. My kid is almost 3 and we've only spent one night apart from him, and that's when my mum came to stay in our house so our son could still sleep in his own bed. I think he's still tiny so I don't know when he will start overnight stays.

sirmione16 · 07/10/2019 08:50

I have an 8 month old and whilst I haven't felt pushed to do this, when grandparents have needed to have little one over night it's been a big deal for them and they then say they feel its very important etc. Not sure why. But yes, this whole teaching independence so babies don't get clingy seems to definitely be a "thing". In a way, I support it, but also they're babies and maternal instinct is strong.

SimonJT · 07/10/2019 08:56

I am more than happy for my son to have overnights with my cousin/a babysitter some evenings since he was two. But when I’m at home we are definitely attached at the hip, quite literally sometimes.

As long as what you do works for you and your child/ren it shouldn’t matter that others do things differently.

firstimemamma · 07/10/2019 08:59

Yanbu. I sometimes feel like I had my baby in the wrong country and that I'm "going against the grain" a lot of the time with how we raise our son (sling, no sleep training, breastfeeding).

If people want to keep their babies close their decision should always be respected. The pressure in western culture to keep babies at arm's length drives me mad!

seaweedandmarchingbands · 07/10/2019 09:17

Never had anyone ask or offer to have mine overnight. When she was little, though, the answer would have been a straight no. Now it would probably be alright (she’s 3).

user1493413286 · 07/10/2019 09:24

I see lots of threads where grandparents seem to want to look after babies by themselves from very early on. I don’t really get it to be honest; I don’t know why the grandparent is so keen for it or why a mum should be expected to leave her baby before she’s ready.

user1493413286 · 07/10/2019 09:25

Having said that past the age of about 18 months I’d love for someone to offer to babysit overnight so I could rest

NoNoNoOohmaybe · 07/10/2019 09:27

I know it's not your Aibu but I hate these threads as it brings out all the "I don't understand how anyone can leave their precious baby". I bet most of the posters saying this don't expect the dad to stay with their baby at all times.

You want to stay with your baby all the time, that's really lovely but please don't judge others who do things differently but leave their babies with loving and engaged caregivers.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 07/10/2019 09:28

user1493413286

I totally get why. Babies are lovely.

megletthesecond · 07/10/2019 09:29

I have never seen "over attachment" on mumsmet .
The vast majority of time posters are on the side of the mother. I'm an old school routine mum but even my DC's weren't having sleep overs with relatives.

mindutopia · 07/10/2019 09:32

I think family members have been doing this for a very long time, but it was much more accepted 20-30 years ago. My mum certainly went back to work full-time when I was 3 months and left me with my (chain-smoking) grandparents 40 hours a week. Obviously, she had no choice because she had to work, but this was certainly not considered odd at the time. It's only that now we are perhaps a bit more knowledgeable generally about the importance of attachment and the science behind infant and child development, so it seems more outrageous.

That said, I've never had anyone ask for either of my children to stay with them, as babies or not. My eldest is 6 and youngest is nearly 2. My eldest had a sleepover with my mum for the first time only about 2 months ago. Except for going to nursery while we are at work and occasional evenings with a babysitter for older one (from about the age of 2), mine have never been left with anyone else really, family or not. So I don't necessarily think it's all that common, but some families are pretty bonkers and struggle to have appropriate boundaries (this is not new either, but I do think that our realisation that it's bonkers is a relatively recent thing).

ittooshallpass · 07/10/2019 09:58

I never had anyone ask to have mine overnight. If they had, it would have been a resounding no.

If other people want to do it, that’s fine by me. What’s not fine is families putting pressure in new mums to hand over their baby.

(I WAS shocked when mums in my NCT group handed over their babies to the IKEA nursery and the gym crèche when they were weeks old.)

shearwater · 07/10/2019 09:58

They are little for such a tiny amount of time - dinners and parties will be there when they are older

For me, having short breaks away from the kids having adult conversation etc kept my sanity when the girls were little. I had my 30th birthday

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