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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Over attachment”

93 replies

TheSheepofWallSt · 07/10/2019 07:59

Haven’t been on MN much in the last 6 months, but whenever I’ve popped on, there seems to be at least 2 or 3 trending threads with mothers handwringing over “over attachment” or being “too attached” to their babies.

Invariably it transpires that they are being told by family or partners that they ought to let their very young babies (under a year) go for overnights - in some cases week long trips- with their parents, in laws, husband ... and that the gut wrenching terror this inspires is unreasonable .

AIBU or is this a) a trend and b) A fucking horrifying one at that.

And I worry is a symptom of the age of “gratification at any cost” What sort of world is it where mothers are told “ignore every screaming instinct” to hold onto your baby, and hand it over to other adults for their convenience or to play at “babies” with?!

OP posts:
AnxietyDream · 07/10/2019 10:16

There's no such thing as over attached to a baby.

I know more than one 2/3 year old who has a screaming fit when their mum leaves to go to the loo because they've never been away from her.

My two year old has had screaming fits because I've gone to the loo. Not because she's 'never been away from me' - she'll happily ditch me for an exciting alternative (like grandma), but because she's two and like to try to exert her will over people! (She tried to tell me how to eat a banana this morning :s ).

In my experience, some 2/3 year olds are clingy, some are fiercely independent. Neither scenario is the result of what their parents did when they were babies!

Crotchgoblins · 07/10/2019 10:30

@ittooshallpass

Småland is for children over 3 years( in counting down for DC2) you cannot drop off a newborn.

This leaving babies with grandparents is something for me that happened in my parents generation. It wouldn't happen for me how as parents too far away/old and due to breastfeeding.

Passthecherrycoke · 07/10/2019 10:33

There has been one of these threads Confused

I was over attached to my first baby. It didn’t do me nor her any favours and I promised it wouldn’t happen again.
I have a firm healthy attachment with my second and love it

Lazypuppy · 07/10/2019 10:37

“ignore every screaming instinct” to hold onto your baby, and hand it over to other adults for their convenience or to play at “babies” with?!

I've never felt this, same as plenty of mums i know. My dd has gone for sleepovers with relatives since 8 weeks old.

I love it because we get time to ourselves as a couple and i know she is happy, cared for and can be comforted by other adults.

I love my dd, but i dont want to be attached to her 24/7/365!

Just because i've had a child doesn't mean i'm not me anymore.

notso · 07/10/2019 10:41

I don't think anyone should be pressured into leaving their baby if they don't want to.

I have however seen family members and friends who are very reluctant to leave their baby even for a short time for say a dentist appointment. Those babies and mothers have then really struggled when the baby has had to go to childcare after maternity leave.
I've also seen mothers who quite obviously would benefit from time away from their baby, they're exhausted and clearly not themselves. Their partners and families can see it and maybe suggest time away but the mother takes offence. It's a difficult situation to be in. I can see how these mothers would feel pressured but the reality is it's coming from a good place.

littlemeitslyn · 07/10/2019 10:43

Another unnecessary swear word from the ignorant

sheshootssheimplores · 07/10/2019 10:45

Well it would have been over my dead body if any family member had tried to prise either of my babies away. As it is they were solely raised by me and DP for the first few years. I never had a babysitter and was there for every bedtime. Neither of them were fussed at all when they left my side to do preschool and subsequently school. Not even a backward glance.

So it obviously did them no harm at all and I was equally glad to be able to get on with other stuff.

Batcrazy101 · 07/10/2019 10:59

My SIL had her 1st baby just over a year ago. This baby will not even go to their dad because baby is so attached to SIL. SIL will pick up child as soon as she makes a noise, doesn’t like the thought of baby “being upset” She is now not going to go back to work because “baby needs her”.

I was with MIL and SIL when MIL said if SIL ever needs a break (baby still not sleeping through the night, gets up at least twice a night) then she can take the baby and let her get a rest. My DH then told me SIL has been in touch and said that MIL is being pushy about having the baby overnight and she doesn’t want the baby out overnight. When I was there this definitely wasn’t the case MIL was very clear that it was only is SIL feels she needs the time.

I think some mothers can be over bearing and it does have a detriment to a child’s development. When my DH (who is amazing with babies and young kids), his brother or any stranger enters the same room as the above mentioned child she will scream her head off. Instead of working on this SIL will remove child from the room and DH (or anyone who has upset baby) is not allowed to be in child’s line of sight in case she gets upset. How is this good for the childs development!

These offers of overnight stays sometimes are coming from a place of help and concern than a “greedy gran” trying to have alone time with a baby. It just depends on how the mother is feeling and how they interpret the gesture.

Personally I think time away from a clingy baby helps mum to refresh and refocus, yes mums should never be forced to be away from their child but sometimes mums also need to understand that their anxiety is being transferred to their child and need to work on that rather than seeing every offer of help as a criticism.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 07/10/2019 11:02

She is now not going to go back to work because “baby needs her”.

I find it weird that anyone would have a problem with a mother’s view that a one year old baby needs her mum.

FizzyGreenWater · 07/10/2019 11:08

She is now not going to go back to work because “baby needs her”.

Sorry but at a year old, that's a perfectly reasonable opinion!

Johnjoeseph · 07/10/2019 11:08

People should only do what they're comfortable with. For some that will mean never leaving their young DC for more than a hour or two for others (like me) that will mean happily jetting off for a week in New York and leaving two under two with their grandmother! I think most fall somewhere in between but no one should be pressured either way.

Passthecherrycoke · 07/10/2019 11:10

Well she’s giving up her pension, income, risking her employability and financial independence so it’s not that great an option, particularly if she had been intending to go back.

Batcrazy101 · 07/10/2019 11:10

I find it weird that anyone would have a problem with a mother’s view that a one year old baby needs her mum.

I find it strange that people will put their child’s home in jeopardy because they struggle to be away from them. All babies need their mothers I’m not disputing that at all but they need food and a home more! They need their mother but they need more than that. If mum goes away for an hour or 2 they need to understand she will come back without any worry. Baby also needs to develop relationships beyond their mother.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 07/10/2019 11:11

I think people should do what works for their family / dc and stop judging others who do things differently! I was a young single mum, and really struggling with dd and Ds1, so from when he was a few months my parents had them overnight most weeks. That downtime was genuinely good for my mental health, and gave me space to be a teenager for a few hours. That doesn’t mean the arrangement would have worked for anyone else, and in my thirties now I’m sure I would be different as well.

Batcrazy101 · 07/10/2019 11:22

@Passthecherrycoke
Well she’s giving up her pension, income, risking her employability and financial independence so it’s not that great an option, particularly if she had been intending to go back.

Exactly!

seaweedandmarchingbands · 07/10/2019 11:26

Baby also needs to develop relationships beyond their mother.

Not really, at one. There’s nothing wrong with having a wider circle of relationships but they don’t need them.

And of course, you do what you have to do financially. That isn’t my argument. But if you honestly asked me what a child needs at one, first and foremost it is their primary career.

Batcrazy101 · 07/10/2019 11:46

@seaweedandmarchingbands

Not really, at one. There’s nothing wrong with having a wider circle of relationships but they don’t need them.

So what if something happens to SIL and baby is then left with their dad, who SIL will take the baby away from because baby cries when dad tries to play with her, Or someone else.

if you honestly asked me what a child needs at one, first and foremost it is their primary career.

A baby needs food, nourishment, stability and a place to call home. They can have all this without a mum they can’t have mum and not all of this and still be healthy.

What I am saying is that these offers of over night help can be just that, offers of help. Just because mum is primary carer doesn’t mean they are not impacting their child’s development by being overly clingy. I think this attachment is more for mothers than for the baby in most cases. So the offence, upset, outrage at the offer to have baby for an overnight stay is misplaced. Just my opinion.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 07/10/2019 11:49

A baby needs food, nourishment, stability and a place to call home. They can have all this without a mum they can’t have mum and not all of this and still be healthy.

Yup. Mum does not need to be the primary cater. But children don’t need to form relationships with people who aren’t their parents, other than for convenience at that age. They need feelings of security, food, drink and sleep.

It’s not “overly clingy” not to want to your baby out overnight. That’s silly.

Batcrazy101 · 07/10/2019 11:52

It’s not “overly clingy” not to want to your baby out overnight. That’s silly.

To run yourself in to the gound on 3 hours of sleep a night rather than accept help is not best for your baby or you.

You have your opinion on what is silly, and I have mine.

MsTSwift · 07/10/2019 11:52

God my parents were very clear no overnights until child sleeping through. Who are these grandparents desperate to have under 6 monthers for the night? Weird.

OrchidInTheSun · 07/10/2019 11:54

I can't understand why anyone would like to look after a baby overnight unless they had to tbh GrinGrin

Teddybear45 · 07/10/2019 11:56

If you have a child that isn’t breastfeeding I don’t see why a trusted family member can’t have them overnight. This would happen in the old days and even now is considered a normal thing in all cultures even co-sleeping ones. The ‘problem’ in these MN threads isn’t the overnight but that the ‘wrong parent’ (usually the DP’s) is asking to have the child overnight

seaweedandmarchingbands · 07/10/2019 11:57

To run yourself in to the gound on 3 hours of sleep a night rather than accept help is not best for your baby or you.

I don’t think I said anything to suggest otherwise. But yes, we can definitely have different opinions, both on what is silly and what babies need. When my baby was smaller, I firmly believe what she needed was me (and her dad) as primary carers. Yes, we didn’t get a lot of sleep, but it was temporary and we were okay. If it had gotten very much worse maybe another balance would have been necessary, but it wasn’t. 🤷🏻‍♀️

seaweedandmarchingbands · 07/10/2019 11:59

If you have a child that isn’t breastfeeding I don’t see why a trusted family member can’t have them overnight

My DD stopped BF at 8 months but I still wanted her with me at night, she still wanted me. We didn’t want her sleeping out and she would have got no benefit from it, so we didn’t feel it was necessary. That’s as much of a reason as anyone needs.

PlasticPatty · 07/10/2019 12:02

OP, you are absolutely right. Mothers should trust their instincts and stay with their babies, if that is what seems right to them.

When dgd was very small and dd and her dh needed sleep, I went round to their house and held the baby in the night. I didn't take her away.

Another unnecessary swear word from the ignorant
Sorry, I missed that. I did skim the thread, and still missed it. So here, have two of mine: Fuck. Cunt. Totally unnecessary, and swear words. Fucking hell, if I wanted to spend time primary school, I'd find one. Here's some more 'rude words'. Bum. Tits. Wee and poo.