“Over attachment”

[TheSheepofWallSt]

Haven’t been on MN much in the last 6 months, but whenever I’ve popped on, there seems to be at least 2 or 3 trending threads with mothers handwringing over “over attachment” or being “too attached” to their babies.

Invariably it transpires that they are being told by family or partners that they ought to let their very young babies (under a year) go for overnights - in some cases week long trips- with their parents, in laws, husband ... and that the gut wrenching terror this inspires is unreasonable .

AIBU or is this a) a trend and b) A fucking horrifying one at that.

And I worry is a symptom of the age of “gratification at any cost” What sort of world is it where mothers are told “ignore every screaming instinct” to hold onto your baby, and hand it over to other adults for their convenience or to play at “babies” with?!

I don’t think I said anything to suggest otherwise

If you read my PP you will see I am using my experience with SIL to express my opinion on this and that is exactly what is going on here. I am fully aware SIL is her own individual case and not the same as everyone else.

My underlying point throughout has been that there is no need for such offence or outrage that people (mostly grandparents) are offering to take babies overnight. I think in most cases (defiantly all cases that I am aware of) are coming from a place of concern and are genuine offers to help. Grandparents have raised babies before too. If there are trust issues then totally, I would agree no over nights or time there without primary carer but.
It’s not always grans trying to take over or telling mothers they aren’t doing the best job.

The ‘problem’ in these MN threads isn’t the overnight but that the ‘wrong parent’ (usually the DP’s) is asking to have the child overnight
And this I totally agree with!!

When dgd was very small and dd and her dh needed sleep, I went round to their house and held the baby in the night. I didn't take her away.

That’s lovely. When mine was quite little (under a year) I wouldn’t have slept without her in the house anyway, so someone taking her to their house wouldn’t have helped.

You're damned if you do, damned if you don't, really. Welcome to motherhood.

For every 'it's important to be with your baby as much as possible for the first few years of their life' there's a 'it's unhealthy to be with your baby and sacrifice your career'. Women just can't win 🤷‍♀️ And the worst part is that it's often other women - mothers - judging each other.

Personally, I decided early on that I didn't want my DD going into four or five day a week childcare at an early age, but I'm speaking from a place of privilege because I can a) afford to do that and b) I run my own business so can please myself. Other people's circumstances differ, and that's fine.

The one thing common on the threads where the OP doesn't want their baby going away overnight is that they generally lack any support from their partner. Often they are under pressure from the very person who should support them, which is very sad. My DD is 8mo and perhaps I am 'overly attached', but I don't want her staying overnight away from me yet (and no one has offered anyway ) and my DP would support whatever makes me feel comfortable because my feelings and emotions are important to him.

DD1 may have still needed me at one, but you know, being able to pay the mortgage and energy bills is pretty nice too.

My DD is 8mo and perhaps I am 'overly attached'

You’re not. The human race would be a memory if there was such a thing as being ‘too attached’ to your helpless, non-verbal, can’t feed itself progeny.

I've seen this cropping up more and more, except it's generally quite horrible with the pressure/insistence amongst my antenatal Group and friends.

It's odd because I literally only went to my grandparents for overnight visiting on the rare occasion, I'm talking from about 5 maybe? Or six? I was definitely in school.

DD1 may have still needed me at one, but you know, being able to pay the mortgage and energy bills is pretty nice too.

Absolutely right. Those things have to come first. But that doesn’t mean that people who are able to do both (pay the bills and stay at home with their small children) are “overly attached”.

Also I think it's great for DPs to be left with small children for a day or weekend from time to time if they are not the primary care giver, so they can really appreciate what you do as the pcg.

And you are really making a rod for your back not to, IMO.

When I used to go running with a organised group on a Saturday morning some of the women, on learning I had small DDs, were like "So where are your DDs then?" Er, with DH? Where else would they be? "Oh, you have him well-trained." WTF?

Mine are older now (9 and 7) but when they were small we made the decision that they wouldn’t stay away overnight until they could tell us about it, and tell us if they didn’t want to go.

So they first had a sleepover at granny and grandads at age 3 and 5, had a lovely time and have done it on a few occasions since.

I would never have left them as babies and to be fair, no one offered anyway

And you are really making a rod for your back not to, IMO.

It’s funny, though, that “rod for your back” is really my hypothetical problem, yet other people seem to care about it as if it’s theirs? So, even though the person who is (might be) suffering from the “over-attachment” to a small baby is me, the rhetoric around it is often suggestive that it’s the baby suffering: that I am not taking into account their “need” (which doesn’t exist when they are very young) for a wide range of relationships.

I think very often the real unfulfilled “need” (want) when a mother doesn’t quickly detach from her baby sufficiently to allow close relatives “their time” with the baby is theirs. Not the baby’s. Not the mother’s. Not the father’s.

Being a sahp isn’t overly attached, of course it isn’t. I know plenty of SAHP who have no problem with their children staying with other people. I know one who went on her 2 week honeymoon when her D.C. was
11 months 😂

I made a huge rod for my own back and it was / is so miserable I do try and warn others yes, if they want to ignore me fine

Have a little one who sleeps as badly at night as my little girl, we're 16 months in and still nobody has offered to take her for the night 😂 I guess between 2 and 7 wake ups a night doesn't appeal to anyone else...

I think it is very sad to see such an increase of threads such as those and also shows a striking lack of attachment underatanding. It's not "overly attached" for a 1 year old to only want their primary caregiver. That's standard for a secure attachment. The children shipped from pillar to post that spend hardly any time with their primary caregiver I would argue and the evidence supports are the ones which will have greater issues in later life. It's scary for society and the future that we have moved so far away from fostering healthy attachments with our children. Society also doesn't support healthy attachments which shows a clear lack of foresight. Many families can't afford for a primary caregiver to stay at home to raise children due to financial instability and low wages vs high living costs with many also lacking wider family support for childcare ect. I breastfed and coslept with dd2 until 18months, as a Sahm she was spectacularly "clingy". However she has just started preschool and has settled and thriving with lots of confidence. The teacher is surprised as she has never attended groups without me (but we practically lived at toddler groups), I am not surprised she's settled well! That is how it is meant to be and the children do become well balanced and happy, we as a society just don't understand that and think the adults needs or wants should come before the child's who should just slot in. Maybe a more child sensitive parenting experience would raise well balanced children with less mental health issues.

Gosh that was long, just my 2 pence worth!

“The children shipped from pillar to post that spend hardly any time with their primary caregiver I would argue and the evidence supports are the ones which will have greater issues in later life.”

What evidence supports this? My understanding is that current academic thinking discredits rather a lot of the old attachment theory.

The problem is that it's very hard to discuss any negative implications of nursery care in a way that doesn't make people defensive or risk perpetuating the belief that a woman's place is in the home (because women are still more often than not the primary caregiver).

I think it would be fine to discuss good evidence rather than people’s opinions?

Also we need to be clear what we’re discussing here- small children spending a night away from mum or a 9 month old going to nursery? Because they’re very very different things

@passthecherrycoke love the username. I don't have time to find them now, quick scan suggests this one... www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0163638303000328

Have you got any research? Always interested in this topic.
@Celebelly I agree, it's not a criticism. However, there should be a best practice for raising children. There any many different aspects of other cultures which are conducive to a happy child, I think though it would be a cherry pick of specific factors/practice which creates a holistic approach to child rearing, I do think the Western approach is way off though. The result of Capitalism and Patriarchy!

I'm actually quite fed up of hearing about attachment. For roughly the first six weeks of my ds's life I didn't want him. I kept praying someone would come and take him away, nearly walked out of the front door with plans to never come back on many occasions, only picked him up to change him/feed him/when he cried etc. I barely cuddled him, basically I just kept him alive. As you can guess I was not very well but I got better and from then on I have been a loving and attentive mother to him. He is the happiest 18 month old you can imagine, he loves a cuddle, rarely whinges, is happy with both his dad and me, he's gentle, independent, couldn't care less if I go to the loo, happy to be babysat (not that it happens often) and just generally a secure and happy little boy. Luckily he was my second and I'm quite confident in my parenting but if I wasn't then reading so much about attachment could well convince me that I've messed up my ds and been a terrible mother, even with his happy little face right in front of my proving that he's fine.

Just do what you feel is best, keep your baby warm/fed/safe, take a break if you need to but don't if you don't want to. But this obsession there seems to be with attachment does nobody any favours IMO.

I'm more on the other side of the fence tbh, I've never minded one of mine sleeping at my parent's or sibling's house and tbh MN usually makes me feel like a bad mother BUT then I realise it's an internet forum and what works for some doesn't for others and there's no right or wrong when it comes to separation from your baby.

I don't think this is new, these threads were around when DS1 was a baby and he's 11 now.

The responses seem pretty mixed in the ones I have seen, equal horror from mums who wouldn't do this towards mums who are comfortable to. Meh i was made to feel bad in real life as my mum had our DC for 1 night before they were 1. I felt it was fine and baby was happy as were we with it.

They are little for such a tiny amount of time - dinners and parties will be there when they are older

But my sanity might not be. It's important to do what works for you - hopefully without judgement

@LeaderoftheAteam I don’t have any research as I say, I don’t believe there is much quality research into attachment theory as we are viewing it (rarely being away from your child) as when attachments are not formed there tend to be serious issues involved (mental illness, neglect, death etc) bowlby etc being generally thought of as misapplied for many years now

That study is about low quality day care, but considering it’s in Israel I don’t really know what low quality day care constitutes there

Exactly @Benes ! It's never without judgement though sadly.