“Over attachment”

[TheSheepofWallSt]

Haven’t been on MN much in the last 6 months, but whenever I’ve popped on, there seems to be at least 2 or 3 trending threads with mothers handwringing over “over attachment” or being “too attached” to their babies.

Invariably it transpires that they are being told by family or partners that they ought to let their very young babies (under a year) go for overnights - in some cases week long trips- with their parents, in laws, husband ... and that the gut wrenching terror this inspires is unreasonable .

AIBU or is this a) a trend and b) A fucking horrifying one at that.

And I worry is a symptom of the age of “gratification at any cost” What sort of world is it where mothers are told “ignore every screaming instinct” to hold onto your baby, and hand it over to other adults for their convenience or to play at “babies” with?!

“The children shipped from pillar to post that spend hardly any time with their primary caregiver I would argue and the evidence supports are the ones which will have greater issues in later life.”

Actually, it's poverty which has the biggest detrimental effect on child development. Children who attend high quality childcare providers tend to do well.

unfortunately you're right NKFell

I’ve told multiple people I don’t see why I should ship my child away for a night, what for? For me to sit on my arse for a bit longer? Given ds is not a difficult baby.. he’s slept all night from 6weeks, besides the odd wake up, so I’m not exhausted. He’s been on a reliable eat n nap schedule for months too so I know during the day I have 30-45minutes to do whatever once he’s asleep... I have hoovered the couch next to him and he hasn’t stirred so it’s not like I’m creeping around. He likes the pram etc so I’m not limited on doing things for screaming yet (I shall eat my words once he’s a toddler).

But I don’t mind people I trust to listen to take him for a few hours when I actually need them. That leaves me one person. Even though there’s plenty of offers.. but I think it’s reasonable to not trust someone who frequently tries to feed a baby things they’re allergic to or won’t listen that a newborn can’t be in a car seat for that long.

@LettuceP I was in a bear identical situation with my ds too

My in laws would put me in the "over attached" category for sure. Nearly 3 year old has had two overnights with them so far, one year old hasn't had a night away from me yet.
I actually don't give a fuck what they think. I'll do what I think is best for my kids.
What saddens me is that it is ALWAYS the women who judge my parenting choices, never the men.

@Lunafortheloveogod do you not see how offensive and judgmental you're being? Using words like 'ship' and phrases like 'sit on my arse for a bit longer'. Why not just assume that what works for you might not work for others?

@NKFell as I go onto explain that’s all I’d actually be doing as ds isn’t a difficult baby to deal with, he’s quite happy if he’s fed n clean and I do know not all babies are like that.

If you’re offended by simple words not aimed at you or your own child that’s your own issue not mine.

Fortunately what works for me is not giving my child to someone who “forgets” what he’s seriously allergic to and always forgets his medications. That alone probably doesn’t affect the majority either.

I don’t really understand the point of your post tbh Luna. You’ve got one easy baby. Good for you. You are also unlucky enough to have crap grandparents. Pretty specific to you and not really relevant to the idea of babies being away from their parents as a whole?

@Lunafortheloveogod I’m not offended, I’m pointing out that your words can very easily be interpreted as offensive about a subject that can be quite touchy. Words like yours (and others) can easily make mother’s feel rubbish and like failures.

I'm not sure that a few trending threads on MN (and threads only ever trend when there are strong views on both sides) constitute 'a fucking horrifying trend'.

These threads always get so nasty, with half the thread accusing the other of being cold and unfeeling and that half calling them martyrs back. I didn't go anywhere without DS for about five months and then went back to work full-time at six months, so do I win/lose the thread because I'm both an overattached martyr and an unnatural robot woman who should have never bothered having him?

I think lots of posters have missed the point, and there’s a lot of projection going on....

I left my DS at nursery 4 days per week, 8-9 hours a day, from 1 so I could work. I am hugely, powerfully attached to him, and he to
me. The two things are not mutually exclusive.

My aibu is this nonsense phrase “over attached” “too attached” - particularly in reference to maternal instincts and behaviours that are totally on the spectrum
of normal.

I wonder where this has come from. The idea that not wanting to leave a small baby overnight, somehow deviates from normal feeling?

That’s all.

My SIL used to say that my DS has to learn to mix in an effort to have him to herself. This really used to get me upset and for that reason I never left him with her.

I have never pressured DDIL and DS now he is a dad. I have had DGC overnight once so far at their request.

I have always ensured that my DS spends plenty of time at his GPs house, and he has had sleepovers from being 4 months old.

My reasoning for this was not about dinners and 'nights off'. It was so that he and they would be very close, and so that in the event of him needing to go there in an emergency, he would not be distressed.

A couple of years before children my DH suffered a sudden unforeseen illness and was in intensive care followed by a month long hospital stay on a specialist ward 60 miles from our home. I know people who have toddlers even who have never spent a night away from their mothers and always wonder what they would do in that situation with the additional stress on top of an already awful situation.

I really agree with you on this. I think mothers (and fathers) should be able to parent in the way that feels right to them. If someone feels comfortable leaving a young baby then I wouldn't judge them but it's very wrong to put pressure on a mother to resist her natural instinct to stay close to her young baby. I appreciated having some help overnight when DS was newborn but it used to give me physical pain to be away from him. It's such a small amount of time that they are small. My 19 month old has never been away from me overnight; the few times I've had to leave him at bedtime for a couple of hours he has been really upset and I can't see the point of putting him through it. I know my mum is really looking forward to having him overnight at her house once hes night weaned but she would never push it.

I'm probably considering overly attached and have been accused of being controlling and I couldn't care less. I didn't have children so as IL's would have a play thing to have overnight. When planning our family I fully intended and expected to put my social life on hold for a few years while they were still so small. The time goes so quickly and I intend on soaking it all up and enjoying it as much as possible. I don't understand some GP's need for extended 1:1 time along with my DC's. I certainly never had that.

I find the ones who accuse us of being overly attached/controlling etc (Grandparents mainly) were SAHM's themselves who never worked so had all this time with their own and did everything themselves

Look at the people saying this stuff - it's almost always the grandparents or other close family...

'You are too attached and need to leave him/her more' = 'I want you not only to leave baby with me more but to be out of the way completely so that I can pretend it's my baby/do stuff my way/do things you don't agree with like giving your 3 month old a taste of baby porridge or giving your two year old three massive bags of chocolate buttons in a row'

IGNORE.

@FizzyGreenWater exactly!

YANBU. Totally agree.