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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my FIL he smells and needs to shower

94 replies

Stumpedasatree · 07/10/2019 07:02

I appreciate this sounds harsh but it is an ongoing problem. He is 80 odd. In reasonable physical health apart from some arthritis but can walk and is mobile. He has long been a water avoider and favours sink flannel washes rather than showers. (I know this as i spent over a year living with him and my OH 20 years ago when I got acquainted with his personal hygiene routine). His routine has not changed since, and he has probably got more neglectful of it with age.

He smells awful, his clothes are stained and dirty, and unfortunately he has no sense of personal space so gets very close to you when he is talking. It's almost intolerable. I have small DC and dislike him hugging them because they will smell afterwards.

He does not pick up on subtle hints at all. Yesterday I asked him outright if he was having difficulty getting in and out of his shower and he claimed no problems at all. I want to do this gently but I cannot skirt around the issue when he doesn't pick up on hints at all.

My DH is useless. Knows he smells but hates to deal with it.

OP posts:

Minioooons · 07/10/2019 07:09

it would be cruel to do so unless he lives with yourll. How often are you seeing him. If he hasnt done anything about it in 20 years then hes probably not going to start now.

Icantthinkofanewname87 · 07/10/2019 07:12

It would be rude and hurtful.

PillarOfSalt · 07/10/2019 07:13

It’s a really awkward one. If it was me I’d want to know and feel mortified if people were uncomfortable around me due to my smell. I think you just need to sit him down alone and have a proper talk about it. Say that you’re worried about him as he’s obviously not looking after himself properly and that can be a sign that he’s struggling.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having a stand up at the sink wash though. If it’s done thoroughly then you do get properly clean and use an awful lot less water.

Nanny0gg · 07/10/2019 07:14

Does he have carers?
Could you/Your DH at least help with the clothes washing? Thats the biggest problem

sheshootssheimplores · 07/10/2019 07:15

I suspect it will be his clothes that smell more than his body.

Cornishmum00 · 07/10/2019 07:16

A flannel wash can be ok if done properly, it may be more the clothes so perhaps offer help with washing them if you are able to

MargotLovedTom1 · 07/10/2019 07:18

Your husband should help him with his laundry if it's obviously a struggle. He's in his 80s - it's likely that he needs help rather than pointed personal comments.

boringisasboringdoes · 07/10/2019 07:19

Your DH should tell him and offer help/to arrange help with washing.

His dad might ignore him though.

Fairylea · 07/10/2019 07:21

To be honest at 80 now you’re not going to change him. Not worth the battle or hurt it will cause to be honest!

PennysPocket · 07/10/2019 07:22

Why are his clothes stained and dirty?

It's more likely his clothes that smell so him showering would not make much difference as his clothes will still smell.

Is he having trouble doing his laundry?

Could DH not offer to help him by doing his washing or paying for a service wash once a week?

Fisharesexierthanme · 07/10/2019 07:26

Flannel and sink washing is not sufficient for every day. It is fine as long as dive thoroughly and as long as the person is having a proper bath/shower at least once a week. Bodies exude oils and sweat and shed skin and this is only properly cleansed by proper washing. A flannel by the sink is able to deal with the icky bits but it is completely unlikely he is scrubbing his back, legs and chest thoroughly.

Beautiful3 · 07/10/2019 07:36

When my dad stopped washing do much and applying deodrant, I told him he smelled bad. He said he couldn't smell anything so got a bit lazy with the hygiene. He started applying deodrant again and washing more. Tell him.

endofthelinefinally · 07/10/2019 07:42

I agree that he needs help managing his clothes. His son could make an effort to make sure he has enough clean clothes to change daily, a laundry basket and a functioning washing machine. A weekly load of washing should be adequate for a single person.
If DH doesn't want to help his dad with a weekly proper shower, he could organise a professional helper.
Does FIL have a walk in shower with grab rails?

LaMarschallin · 07/10/2019 07:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

adaline · 07/10/2019 07:44

Why isn't your DH helping his dad out?

kristallen · 07/10/2019 07:45

I'd start by offering to do his laundry if he's nearby. Insist. If he declines a few times then say something along the lines of I just don't like to see you in dirty clothes. If he says they're not, then I'd say sometimes they can smell a bit dirty and you're worried about him. Can even say the soap powder isn't what it used to be and it doesn't keep worn clothes as fresh as it used to, so nowadays we need to wash our clothes after every wear or two

He may get upset or defensive but a message will have been conveyed.

As for the flannel wash..I'm really not sure how to get an elderly man who has a very long established habit into changing it. But at least if he's in clean clothes every day or two days it should make a massive difference.

Teacakeandalatte · 07/10/2019 07:45

Get your dh to tell him you are both concerned about him and think he may not be taking care of himself properly. This is probably a sign he is not coping with everything well. Is the housework getting too much? Is he eating properly? Offer what help you can as a family and help him find solutions if you are not able to do things yourself, such as a cleaner, laundry service, meals on wheels etc.

BertrandRussell · 07/10/2019 07:45

If you live near enough, your sh could collect and do his washing every week. I bet that would make a huge difference.

BarbariansMum · 07/10/2019 07:46

If you tell him, what do you think will change? Do you have the sort of relationship where you can say that? Is he the sort of person that would take it on the chin and change? Can he even change?

I think if you are going to say something, then you need to couple that with a practical offer of help. Shower seat and rails. Help with laundry.

mintich · 07/10/2019 07:47

I have small children and one of their grandfathers is 80, the other grandfather is 69. Some people have old parents!

EleanorReally · 07/10/2019 07:48

I would offer to help with laundry but no mention of him smelling or the lack of washing. uncalled for

NoSauce · 07/10/2019 07:49

Yes ask to do his washing for him for starters.

Do your children really smell after hugging him? And your husband still won’t say anything?

alphabetti · 07/10/2019 07:54

I would buy him some new clothes and see if that helps. If not you do need to sensitively tell him as he will become ill through bad hygiene otherwise.

My children are teenagers now and my grandma is 86. My mum is 63 however a friend of mine has a 4yr and newborn and her dad is 80 and mum 73 so it is possible for a grandparent of young child to be 80.

underthebridgedowntown · 07/10/2019 07:58

@LaMarschallin what a weird thing to say. As you said yourself, people have children at a variety of ages.

OP - agree with PPs, your DH should talk to him about laundry. See if that fixes the problem first, and then address the personal hygiene after. It's kinder to sort it out than to leave it, it's possible he could end up with skin problems if he's not cleaning himself properly - older skin is so much more delicate and needs looking after.

LaMarschallin · 07/10/2019 08:11

underthebridgedowntown

@LaMarschallinwhat a weird thing to say. As you said yourself, people have children at a variety of ages.

You're right; it was. I have my own reasons, but - looking back - my post read very randomly.
Sorry, OP.

I just hope the OP finds out her FiL's age before he's 90 because they might want to send him a card to mark the date.

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