To tell my FIL he smells and needs to shower

[Stumpedasatree]

I appreciate this sounds harsh but it is an ongoing problem. He is 80 odd. In reasonable physical health apart from some arthritis but can walk and is mobile. He has long been a water avoider and favours sink flannel washes rather than showers. (I know this as i spent over a year living with him and my OH 20 years ago when I got acquainted with his personal hygiene routine). His routine has not changed since, and he has probably got more neglectful of it with age.

He smells awful, his clothes are stained and dirty, and unfortunately he has no sense of personal space so gets very close to you when he is talking. It's almost intolerable. I have small DC and dislike him hugging them because they will smell afterwards.

He does not pick up on subtle hints at all. Yesterday I asked him outright if he was having difficulty getting in and out of his shower and he claimed no problems at all. I want to do this gently but I cannot skirt around the issue when he doesn't pick up on hints at all.

My DH is useless. Knows he smells but hates to deal with it.

Sorry, should have added to my post, buy all new underwear! (Is incontinence an issue? Tena do pants for men)

A once a week bath may well be fine when younger, with flannel washes, but when you are older, many men dribble (for want of a better word!) as their bladder/muscles deteriorate, often people can't bend to get to their backside etc. If you sit in wet/same clothing for days or even weeks then you can get infections/thrush or skin deterioration (breakdown). Horrid, especially if it can be prevented. It's not just a smell issue, but a health one.

It might be “rude” to talk to him about his poor hygiene, but it’s also rude of him to not take care of his hygiene and force his unpleasant odour onto others. We’re not talking about mild BO as a one off are we?

Let’s be honest, decades of ‘flannel washing’ means that he hasn’t had a proper clean in a very long time. Especially his nether regions and underarms. I can just imagine how unpleasant that must be, especially if his clothes are seldom washed too.

If you can’t be bothered to wash yourself or your clothes, you can’t be offended if people want to spend less time with you as a result.

Sorry, not read all the replies but does he do his own washing (when he does it!)? Can you help him out by getting him some basic new stuff and coming round regularly to bung a wash on for him?
Is his shower a cubicle or over the bath? An over the bath one would be harder to get in/out of obviously...

Seriously to all the people saying leave it?
Just tell him that they children won’t be hugging him anymore as he smells and you don’t want them getting ill. He’ll probably get grumpy and refuse help/cleaners etc but what can you do. If you don’t tell him he won’t know,

I doubt this is a simple fix, the guy is in his 80’s and it doesn’t sound as though he has ever been terribly domesticated.

Does he have a walk in shower? Can he manage without the fear of slipping? Is he able to care for his hair properly in the shower and reach all areas of his body adequately without losing balance? Maybe a shower chair and removable hose/head.

I would think his clothes would be the major source of the odour. Why can’t your DH have a word and negotiate to start doing his washing? Including sheets as I would bet these have not been done for ages.

Is he incontinent? That really causes people to whiff if they don’t use incontinence products and change them regularly.

Instead of getting on an Internet forum you need to be working with your DH to either organise the required assistance or provide it.

Blimey. There are some dismissive and unpleasant posts on here. Some people really do despise older people, don’t they?

He probably knows but he doesn't care, he thinks you should all just put up with him because he's the head of the family, the elder male.

He probably knows but he doesn't care, he thinks you should all just put up with him because he's the head of the family, the elder male.

@LaMarschallin
You are fighting a lost cause 🤣😂.

All of my gps used to have various odours, some th ast would mask with perfume and freshly washed clothes. My gm once laughed about showers and baths swaying nobody over a certain age could get into our out of either so everyone flannel washed and someday I would too. I have arthritis and at 39, can totally envision never having a bath again, I totally wouldn't be able to get out!! Their generations find our generations washing ott and our generation are shocked at their hygiene. If he is happy, healthy and has no other signs of anything then I'd offer to help with laundry and leave it at that. And kids hugging gps has always been a thing, just leave them hug their relatives!!!

Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse...

I have an elderly male relative who had the same problem. I bought him one of those seats for the elderly that fit across the bath 'that will make flannel washing a lot easier as any excess water will go in the bath and not on the floor'.

It was even more successful than I had hoped for as he found it easier to use the shower head!

@Wheat2Harvest Great idea. Maybe a step stool too to help him climb in and out?

What I find disturbing about this thread is people making plans for this man without any real knowledge of his circs.

You cannot just buy another adult different underwear, or sneakily take his washing away, or 'insist' he has a shower. IF he is getting health issues as a result of not washing, that's one thing, but there is no indication that is the case here.

Look, I shower every day and wear a complete change of clothes every day. But I am capable of acknowledging that that's a relatively recent development. My mum grew up in the 50s and will laugh about how people used to bathe once a week, wear two shirts a week, wear the same stays for days on end, and no one used deodorant, etc. The FIL largely grew up in that type of culture. My mum actively regards regular head to toe washing as unhealthy, especially antibac products.

The FIL's refusal to wash may be a sign of mental deterioration. In that case, of course it needs addressing in a loving manner. But it would equally be a cultural difference between someone born in the 30s and people born in the 70s/80s/90s.

To put it in perspective, I remember a post on here about a woman in her 50s having a younger HCP describe the fact that she didn't shave her pubes as 'evidence of a lack of self-care'. People on this site freak about their MILs having keys to their houses and neighbours trimming their plants. How the hell would you feel if someone younger decided that your personal grooming wasn't up to snuff and they were going to enforce a more rigorous regime on you?

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff

This is true (certainly) for my Ddad that he had grown up only bathing once a week , if that, and clothes were washed far more infrequently. He says their school jumpers were washed once a term.
Growing up it was always a joke that ddad never had a bath (but i don't remember that he smelled) but as he got older though i did notice and came to realise that DM had previously washed clothes, towels and bedding much more frequently than he did when alone I used to put a load of washing in his machine when i was there (to "help out") but wouldn't try to swap clothes.

The issue is none of this is a recent development with him. He has never washed regularly, and I have known him for over 20 years. He also has always smelled to a lesser or more serious extent. I therefore do not think I can assume a mental or physical deterioration as a sole cause of this.

He definitely grew up as some OPs have mentioned viewing daily washing as abnormal.

Thank you for the helpful advice. I will ask my DH to handle it gently and have a quiet word with him. He has done this before unfortunately.

I think it's ok to tackle this if it makes him offensive to others. But gently, because it is his right to manage his own personal care. Intervention would only be justified if he was having difficulties.

He has never washed regularly, and I have known him for over 20 years. He also has always smelled to a lesser or more serious extent

What does not regularly mean though? My grandparents showered once a week. It was habit as no bathing facilities when young, just a bath that was carried inside, manually filled with hot water and the whole family used the same water from oldest to youngest. Then there was an outside bathroom, then by the time they had an indoor one washing once a week had been the norm their whole lives. However, clothes were always kept clean, my grandmother washed clothes daily and sheets once a week. All bedding also got a good airing once a week. They never smelt and we live in a hot country! Only time there was an issue with smell was when one became incontinent when very old but at that time they were in a nursing home that showered them daily which helped but didn’t eliminate it.

When I was in uni, our share houses only ever had outside bathrooms. No way we were showering daily in winter (although our winter would not seem cold to many). We had an informal roster on weekends based on who would be home when split over the time as hot water ran out quickly and took a while to reheat for the next person. We never smelt. We all wore clean clothes though. I know this as was very hard to get everyone’s washing done each week, lots of negotiating as priority loads with washing machine. Most showered daily in summer though as no reason not to.

I doubt his smell is from showering weekly, I’d think it would have to be more infrequent and the main contributor would be dirty clothes.