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Original poster

To get ready for disappointment on my birthday

86 replies

Helpmelmaooo · 07/10/2019 01:20

Just to start out I really hope I don’t sound ungrateful and I really don’t expect a lot for my birthday. Since moving out and having children of my own I obviously don’t expect much from my parents and siblings etc, usually get a card with a couple of gift vouchers or some cash and sometimes something like a new pair of earrings etc which I’m delighted with.
However my partner has made me feel really sad every birthday I’ve had with him even though it’s only been three. We live together and have a two year old and I’m in the early stages of a new pregnancy.
First year together I was 200 miles away at university so I came home for the weekend, went for a meal with my family then went for a drink. Had to stay two hours after I wanted to go home bevause he was enjoying himself with his mates. He gave me a cheap 25 inch tv unwrapped which I never used. No card.
Second birthday together I was 8 months pregnant, he wanted to meet his mum and friends in the pub so that’s what we did, sat there all night unable to drink with him saying “we’ll go as soon as I’ve finished this pint” then ordering another one. Eventually did go home but he brought his mate home with us and they sat up all night drinking while I went to bed. The present was a 50p corner shop card with £200 in cash and I was told “£100 of that is for the bills”.
Third birthday (last year) he went out the night before my birthday and got so drunk he stayed at his mums, slept through the whole day from his hangover and I ended up going out on my own with the birthday money from my mum because he was too hungover. He gave me my presents two days later still in the amazon packaging, a cheap dressing gown (he knew I had an expensive one that I love) a mug and some chocolates. No card again. These presents were okay but I just thought it was so thoughtless that he obviously ordered them after my actual birthday and didn’t even bother to wrap them or get a card.
This year I’m just dreading that horrible feeling again, the other day he went into town to do “birthday shopping” and he claims he’s doing good this year but he came back empty handed and had obviously been sat in the pub all day.
I might also add that he earns very decent money. I really hope I’m not sounding ungrateful, I would be happy with even just a hand made card if he was skint but he has the means to get good presents, he is just very uncaring with my birthday.
P.s he is a good dad and partner just every birthday I end up going to bed early to cry

OP posts:
MrsApplepants · 07/10/2019 01:24

I agree this sounds shit and it sounds like he’s a bit too easily distracted with alcohol for my tastes, but have you told him how you would like your birthday to be?

Original poster
Helpmelmaooo · 07/10/2019 01:35

@MrsApplepants I have given him suggestions on presents (I’ve said things I need like a new coat that will fit me as I get bigger and that I’ve lost one of my favourite earrings, and just said I’d like to have my mum babysit and go for a meal with him and friends and possibly a wine spritzer afterwards. My friends are all up for going for dinner (I’m pretty limited as I’m pregnant) but I know he’s going to want to go to the pub afterwards and I’ll be sat like a lemon all night. He is very easily distracted by alcohol and gets carried away so I want to avoid that. But I know for a fact that he hasn’t got me anything at all so far. He has lied and said he’s ordered me a few little bits but they never came in the post (I’m always here when he’s here) and nothing else has been delivered so I’m wondering if it’s going to be the same as every other year with shit last min presents I wouldn’t even use. It just makes me feel like I don’t matter.

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpmelmaooo · 07/10/2019 01:40

Might also add that his birthday was two weeks ago and I forked out over £300 for a PS4 and games that he’d been wanting for months plus little bits from our daughter. Also forgot to add to my original post my birthday when I was pregnant the first time his mum told him to book me a pregnancy massage and he’d told me he had booked one. On my birthday I asked when it was booked for and he said he’d booked it but forgotten to pay for it so it was cancelled, this made me feel really shit because it was so obvious he hadn’t even bothered looking for one let alone booking and I honestly felt like I obviously just wasn’t worth it

OP posts:
MrsApplepants · 07/10/2019 01:45

Some people aren’t great at doing birthdays etc. To give the benefit of the doubt, maybe he is one of them. Maybe you will always have to buy your own presents. But one key thing stood out for me here and that was when you said he would want to go to the pub after the meal, leaving you like a lemon. Hang on. It’s YOUR birthday, it’s not about him. He should be doing what you want to do, putting you first. He sounds very self centred and I think this is the problem that needs solving. The birthday present issues are really just the symptoms.

Herocomplex · 07/10/2019 01:51

Does he usually prioritise the pub? I understand you’re talking about your birthday here but maybe that’s the only time you think you can expect to be put first?

AlwaysCheddar · 07/10/2019 05:30

So alcohol comes before you repeatedly get you think he’s a good dad and partner??!! No, he’s a selfish knob.

AufderAutobahn · 07/10/2019 06:07

No, you don't sound ungrateful at all. He sounds like a selfish arse, blatantly ignoring your needs so he can just keep drinking with his mates.

I would leave him out of future celebrations and focus on people who really do care. He's not worthy of your time.

BagpussAteMyHomework · 07/10/2019 06:11

Sorry this doesn’t sound great. He sounds very immature. I’m guessing it’s not just on your birthday that he behaves selfishly but it’s the day you notice it the most. Who is looking after your baby/toddler while he’s ‘getting distracted’ with alcohol and lying around hungover for hours?

My ex was like this and it didn’t get better.

readingismycardio · 07/10/2019 06:12

The problem is not that he's not good at gifts. Problem is he's a selfish arse, who probably has an alcohol problem and doesn't give a fuck about you. Sorry, I gotta say the MN classic "you have a DH problem". And a big one.

OneAndDone86 · 07/10/2019 06:16

You don't sound ungrateful at all! All you are asking for is a little effort. Its not that hard to be unselfish for one day of the year, your partner should want to make you feel special.

ukgift2016 · 07/10/2019 06:16

You are focusing on your birthday when your real issue here is his excess drinking and his going to the pub.

You sound young. You only been together 3 years and already have TWO children. You had two children with a man with alcohol problems.

You are focusing on the wrong things.

Shoxfordian · 07/10/2019 06:17

He seems thoughtless. I expect it's not just your birthday, how is he on your anniversary or valentines or christmas? Equally shit?

It seems like you could do with standing up for yourself a bit more. I wouldn't personally agree to go to a pub all night when I'm pregnant as watching everyone else drink isn't that much fun.

Chamomileteaplease · 07/10/2019 06:17

I would really love to hear in what ways he is a good dad and partner Hmm

Breastfeedingworries · 07/10/2019 06:18

Not sure how he can be a great dad and partner.. sounds like he’s a selfish man. What are his good qualities? So we can get a fuller picture and work out if it’s just a birthday thing. Incidentally ask for money each time, and treat yourself. Spa day with a friend would be nice x

RhiWrites · 07/10/2019 06:19

he is a good dad and partner

I feel like this is something you tell yourself, not actually the reality of the situation.

It’s not just that he puts no effort into your birthday, he’s selfish, and he lies about having booked or bought things he hasn’t. Why are you with a person like this and having multiple kids with him? Can’t you imagine better?

Elodie2019 · 07/10/2019 06:23

All this going to the pub, staying at his Mum's, seeing his mates, going into town (and ending up at the pub)... this is all year round isn't it OP? He sounds like a waste of time.
Are you sure he's a good DH, father?

Elodie2019 · 07/10/2019 06:25

As for this year, make your own plans. Arrange to see/stay with your family or friends. He can come along if he likes but make it about what you would like.

Swinningforza · 07/10/2019 06:29

You poor thing. That is truly shit. I have experienced very similar. In the end I asked him to totally ignore the date and I would make my own plans entirely.

It was shit. Unmumsnetty hugs Flowers

pictish · 07/10/2019 06:43

Sounds to me like alcohol trumps all. He likes drinking doesn’t he? And every one of your scenarios highlights how it comes back to his desire to be doing it.

I don’t know what else to say really.

flouncyfanny · 07/10/2019 06:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kristallen · 07/10/2019 06:48

Op book a restaurant for you and your friends. Don't give him a chance to mess up your evening. You know it'll be crap if he's there so take control and don't wait for him to disappoint you. You'll have a great evening with your friends. Just don't spend it wishing he was there..focus on being happy surrounded by people who love you.

And have a think about whether you need to be living with someone who can't prioritise you above alcohol for the rest of your life.

aweedropofsancerre · 07/10/2019 06:49

A good partner would be kind, thoughtful and considerate around your birthday. Especially if you were pregnant. Surprised you went on to have another baby with a man that clearly puts his own needs first...

finn1020 · 07/10/2019 06:51

What he’s saying indirectly is ... “yes, I know it’s your birthday and it’s important to you but I can’t be bothered with it as I don’t care if it’s important to you. The pub and doing what I want is important so that’s what I’ll do. I can’t be arsed caring about you.”

macmustard · 07/10/2019 07:03

He sounds like a dick. Why are you with someone who cares more about getting pissed than being with you?

Thehop · 07/10/2019 07:07

I couldn’t be with someone who put drinking and mates before his partner and family.

He’s not a great dad, because he makes the mother of his children few worthless.

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