Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To get ready for disappointment on my birthday

86 replies

Helpmelmaooo · 07/10/2019 01:20

Just to start out I really hope I don’t sound ungrateful and I really don’t expect a lot for my birthday. Since moving out and having children of my own I obviously don’t expect much from my parents and siblings etc, usually get a card with a couple of gift vouchers or some cash and sometimes something like a new pair of earrings etc which I’m delighted with.
However my partner has made me feel really sad every birthday I’ve had with him even though it’s only been three. We live together and have a two year old and I’m in the early stages of a new pregnancy.
First year together I was 200 miles away at university so I came home for the weekend, went for a meal with my family then went for a drink. Had to stay two hours after I wanted to go home bevause he was enjoying himself with his mates. He gave me a cheap 25 inch tv unwrapped which I never used. No card.
Second birthday together I was 8 months pregnant, he wanted to meet his mum and friends in the pub so that’s what we did, sat there all night unable to drink with him saying “we’ll go as soon as I’ve finished this pint” then ordering another one. Eventually did go home but he brought his mate home with us and they sat up all night drinking while I went to bed. The present was a 50p corner shop card with £200 in cash and I was told “£100 of that is for the bills”.
Third birthday (last year) he went out the night before my birthday and got so drunk he stayed at his mums, slept through the whole day from his hangover and I ended up going out on my own with the birthday money from my mum because he was too hungover. He gave me my presents two days later still in the amazon packaging, a cheap dressing gown (he knew I had an expensive one that I love) a mug and some chocolates. No card again. These presents were okay but I just thought it was so thoughtless that he obviously ordered them after my actual birthday and didn’t even bother to wrap them or get a card.
This year I’m just dreading that horrible feeling again, the other day he went into town to do “birthday shopping” and he claims he’s doing good this year but he came back empty handed and had obviously been sat in the pub all day.
I might also add that he earns very decent money. I really hope I’m not sounding ungrateful, I would be happy with even just a hand made card if he was skint but he has the means to get good presents, he is just very uncaring with my birthday.
P.s he is a good dad and partner just every birthday I end up going to bed early to cry

OP posts:

NoNoNoOohmaybe · 07/10/2019 07:10

When it gets to his birthday but him 2 new car mats and a comedy letting and give it to him 3 days late. If he's not bothered then he obviously is the type who doesn't get birthdays. If he is bothered he's a selfish dickhead.

But tbh I couldn't be doing with the consistently putting his own desire to go to the pub over you.

Minioooons · 07/10/2019 07:11

Surprised you went on to have another baby with a man that clearly puts his own needs first...

The typical usual story. 'Great dad, great husband' but massive red flags waving which the op is clearly blind to.

QueenAnneBoleyn · 07/10/2019 07:19

You don’t sound ungrateful at all.
DH and I both like to celebrate our birthdays in different ways. After the first couple of birthdays I had with him I had to spell it out for him (albeit nicely).

SinkGirl · 07/10/2019 07:22

I’ve grown up surrounded by men like this OP.

He’s a selfish, alcohol-dependant piece of shit who doesn’t value you.

The problem is that deep down you’re holding on to this fantasy that your birthday will trigger some huge shift in his personality and he’ll prove to you how much he cares about you with some grand romantic gesture (or even just by considering your feelings and thinking of you at all).

He’s already demonstrated to you over the last three years that he’s incapable of this. You’re stil hoping it will change. It won’t .

The question is whether you can live like this longterm. And even if he pulled out all the stops for your birthday, would that even come close to making up for his behaviour the rest of the year? There’s no chance this behaviour is limited to your birthday, it’s just that your bar is so low you accept it the rest of the time.

Teacakeandalatte · 07/10/2019 07:23

What's he like the rest of the time? Is he ever thoughtful?
How about you get him to look after dc and go out with your mum? That might make him think.

bookwormsforever · 07/10/2019 07:26

You’ve only been with him three years yet you have a 2yo and you’re of again?

What made you think he’d be a good father if he regularly prioritises alcohol over you?

He sounds like an immature, selfish, lying, thoughtless knob.

I’d have dumped him after the first birthday tbh, but that’s a bit late.

What’s the rest of your relationship like? Are you constantly disappointed there too?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 07/10/2019 07:27

He’s selfish and thoughtless, I doubt very much that it’s only once a year.

ReturnofSaturn · 07/10/2019 07:29

Oh dear, he sounds like a waste of space.

How is usually? Does he make you happy? Is he thoughtful? Does he do his share of housework/childcare? Does he pull his weight? Does he make you feel valued?

If not, could be worth considering if you would be happier without him.

BertrandRussell · 07/10/2019 07:29

I find it hard to believe that he is like this on your birthday but a loving and supportive partner and father the rest of the time...

bubblebar · 07/10/2019 07:31

Does he only act like this on your birthday then? Or does he always prioritise the pub?

fedup21 · 07/10/2019 07:36

I find it hard to believe that he is like this on your birthday but a loving and supportive partner and father the rest of the time...

This!

I would sit him down today and tell him it’s ridiculous but you are actually dreading your birthday. Tell him exactly why-from what you’ve told us here. See his response.

If he does nothing to change, that says a lot really and then you have some difficult decisions to make.

Iamanaubergine · 07/10/2019 07:38

Does he have any redeeming features? You’re obviously quite young still if you were at university just 3 years ago. Your life doesn’t have to be like this - you don’t have to stay with him just because you have children.

Raphael34 · 07/10/2019 07:40

He’s a selfish, inconsiderate, immature, alcoholic liar. But he’s a great partner and dad 😂

Raphael34 · 07/10/2019 07:41

Why have you had two children with this man?

Lazypuppy · 07/10/2019 07:43

Why did you spend so much on his birthday when he is so crap at yours?

Personally, i don't know why you are with him, he sounds so thoughtless

Lazypuppy · 07/10/2019 07:44

@Why have you had two children with this man?

This

Lexplorer · 07/10/2019 07:44

Stop doing nice things for his birthday and expect nothing back. Thoughless people aren't worth the effort.

frazzledasarock · 07/10/2019 07:45

Why are you sitting around watching him get bladdered on your birthdays, when that’s not what you want to do?

Why are you spending so much money and effort on his birthdays when it’s not reciprocated?

How is he a great dad and partner?

He sounds utterly shit.

Alloftheboys · 07/10/2019 07:46

His priorities are

Drinking

2.going out

Mates

The kids are somewhere after number 3. You and your birthday are at the bottom of the list.

BagpussAteMyHomework · 07/10/2019 07:47

Seriously there is no point having a go at the OP for having the children, and it’s pretty unkind. Life is complex.

Bobthefishermanswife · 07/10/2019 07:49

Oh bless you! It feels really shitty because it makes you feel like you're not special. Initially I was going to say my dp is the same, but after reading your updates he's not, he's just rubbish at birthdays (I organise all gifts for birthdays now otherwise no one would get anything, his parents and sister included) but he goes all out for Christmas.

I haven't got any advice except maybe enlist your eldest next year, say to them "mummy would really like x for her birthday tell daddy" and hopefully they will tell him enough and he'll get himself sorted?

Gwlondon · 07/10/2019 07:49

Don’t buy him expensive presents. Buy him the equivalent he gets you. Clothes. Chocolates. I think tell him exactly what you want, as in send him a link. He can’t really be bothered to think for himself so just say exactly what you want. If he can’t deliver then scale down your presents.
Don’t let him spoil your birthday because you are waiting for him to do something special. He isn’t going to. Just ask for exactly what you want. And go out with people that care about you on the day.

NoCauseRebel · 07/10/2019 07:51

Let’s take the birthday out of the equation for a second. What is he like the rest of the year? Because I highly doubt that this is the one day when he behaves like this while being an exemplary father and partner for the rest of the year.

And if it is only your birthday when he acts like this, I would be inclined to ask him why it is he feels that you shouldn’t be entitled to a day which is just for you and while he only ever gets drunk on that day.

But I think you know that it’s not just your birthday, but that your birthday highlights what he’s actually like the rest of the time.

Trewser · 07/10/2019 07:52

He's immature with a drink problem. If you want a good birthday you need to organise it yourself and stop prioritising what HE wants. And stop spending so much on him. Are you both very young?

Gwlondon · 07/10/2019 07:56

Ps
My husband isn’t great on my birthday. But I either tell him exactly what I want or just accept I will be disappointed. When year he told me the night before he didn’t have anything. We were at my in-laws. I didn’t sleep all night because I was ashamed that my in-laws would see he didn’t have a present and sad for myself. He went out in the morning and bought a photo frame. Some people are thoughtless. (Horrible frame)
But...
I do not go to great lengths on his birthday. If I feel vulnerable I tell him exactly what I want and how important it is to me.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread