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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get ready for disappointment on my birthday

86 replies

Helpmelmaooo · 07/10/2019 01:20

Just to start out I really hope I don’t sound ungrateful and I really don’t expect a lot for my birthday. Since moving out and having children of my own I obviously don’t expect much from my parents and siblings etc, usually get a card with a couple of gift vouchers or some cash and sometimes something like a new pair of earrings etc which I’m delighted with.
However my partner has made me feel really sad every birthday I’ve had with him even though it’s only been three. We live together and have a two year old and I’m in the early stages of a new pregnancy.
First year together I was 200 miles away at university so I came home for the weekend, went for a meal with my family then went for a drink. Had to stay two hours after I wanted to go home bevause he was enjoying himself with his mates. He gave me a cheap 25 inch tv unwrapped which I never used. No card.
Second birthday together I was 8 months pregnant, he wanted to meet his mum and friends in the pub so that’s what we did, sat there all night unable to drink with him saying “we’ll go as soon as I’ve finished this pint” then ordering another one. Eventually did go home but he brought his mate home with us and they sat up all night drinking while I went to bed. The present was a 50p corner shop card with £200 in cash and I was told “£100 of that is for the bills”.
Third birthday (last year) he went out the night before my birthday and got so drunk he stayed at his mums, slept through the whole day from his hangover and I ended up going out on my own with the birthday money from my mum because he was too hungover. He gave me my presents two days later still in the amazon packaging, a cheap dressing gown (he knew I had an expensive one that I love) a mug and some chocolates. No card again. These presents were okay but I just thought it was so thoughtless that he obviously ordered them after my actual birthday and didn’t even bother to wrap them or get a card.
This year I’m just dreading that horrible feeling again, the other day he went into town to do “birthday shopping” and he claims he’s doing good this year but he came back empty handed and had obviously been sat in the pub all day.
I might also add that he earns very decent money. I really hope I’m not sounding ungrateful, I would be happy with even just a hand made card if he was skint but he has the means to get good presents, he is just very uncaring with my birthday.
P.s he is a good dad and partner just every birthday I end up going to bed early to cry

OP posts:

DuchessofManchester · 07/10/2019 07:58

Stop buying him expensive presents... if he can't be arsed neither will you from now on.
Plan a lovely evening out with your friends... he's going to let you down so take control and plan the birthday you want, minus him.
I'd be tempted to sell the PlayStation and use the money to treat yourself instead.
I hope you have a lovely birthday

Trewser · 07/10/2019 07:58

I send dh links.

Trewser · 07/10/2019 08:00

But then dh wouldn't dream of going to the pub, and the last time he got really drunk was about 15 years ago, so I'd say thats your problem really.

purpleolive · 07/10/2019 08:01

He sounds like an alcoholic.

WeDidNotChangeTheLocks · 07/10/2019 08:02

@Helpmelmaooo you dont sound sound selfish at all. He sounds very thoughtless and doesnt prioritise you even on your birthday. One thing struck me though, I dont mean to sound goady, but you know you dont HAVE to sit in the pub while he gets tanked up. You can get up, leave him to have "one last pint" and go home.

Trewser · 07/10/2019 08:03

Yeah, the drink is far worse than the shit birthdays. Shit birthdays impact you once a year. His drinking will impact you and your children for the rest of your lives.

Butterymuffin · 07/10/2019 08:05

I know he’s going to want to go to the pub afterwards

So why does he have to get his way? You can say no. Have you never done this, or is it that he gets really unpleasant if you don't go along with what he wants?

BertrandRussell · 07/10/2019 08:05

He’s like this every weekend, isn’t he, OP?

AmIThough · 07/10/2019 08:05

Does he always spend this much time drinking or is it just on your birthday? That seems like the real issue.

Also don't understand why you'd spend £300 on him knowing it's only going to make you resentful on your birthday.

Have you told him he's shit?

ShatnersWig · 07/10/2019 08:06

You knew what he was like and decided to have a first child with him.

You still knew what he was like and decided to have a second child with him.

Not the best at making sensible decisions for your children, let alone yourself, are you?

LagunaBubbles · 07/10/2019 08:09

Why are you putting up with him and having children with him? I can't imagine doing something on my birthday I didnt want to do in favour of what he wanted to do, just why wouldn't you say anything?

acatcalledjohn · 07/10/2019 08:16

A good partner would give a shit about your birthday. He can't be bothered.

You're pretty irrelevant in his eyes.

B00kworm86 · 07/10/2019 08:17

My H was just like this...he's my EXH now.

RightYesButNo · 07/10/2019 08:36

I find it hard to believe that he is like this on your birthday but a loving and supportive partner and father the rest of the time...

Another person who agrees with this from Bertrand. I find it very hard to imagine that the rest of the year he does 50% of the housework, more when you’re struggling with pregnancy symptoms or exhaustion, watches his/your child so you can go out with your own friends for a bit or just do something on your own, allows you to have 50% of the weekend lie-ins, asks you what you want to do of an evening most evenings, etc. All the things that make up the give and take of a caring relationship. My DH is shit at gifts, no doubt about it, but he shows me he cares about me every day of the year, in ways similar to the ones I’ve mentioned, so it doesn’t have the same “sting” to it as it would if he didn’t do all these things and I pinned my hopes on one day a year for him to “prove” I mattered.

Is this going and sitting in the pub thing an everyday affair for him? It sounds like it, if he can’t even take a break for your birthday. Is it actually what you want to, not on your birthday, but ever? Maybe we’ve all got the wrong end of the stick, and he actually is extremely thoughtful otherwise and just suddenly becomes overly attached to drinking and the pub and ignoring your needs when your birthday rolls around, but that would be a little odd.

As for your birthday THIS year, I would speak up. About all of it. Tell him how the last three birthdays have gone and you’re not doing it again, you’re not going to the pub, that you’re going to one of your friends’ houses to do films and face masks (if you fancy that) and he’s responsible for sorting child care. And that your presents this year determine his presents next year. You were kind enough (kind of a mug - sorry, OP) to get him an extravagant present for his recent birthday, but if he does his usual thing with presents for your birthday this year, he’ll be getting a 50p card and a packet of expired Hobnobs.

It’s time to use your voice. No one enjoys having these types of conversations, but if you intend to stay together, you can’t just cry on your birthday for the next 20 years. Or worse yet, stop crying because you’ve just given up on it. You deserve a lovely birthday, @Helpmelmaooo

SherbetSaucer · 07/10/2019 08:36

Probably not the best idea having two kids with this guy within three years! You’re stuck with him for life now.

Disfordarkchocolate · 07/10/2019 08:42

I would be very worried about his drinking, it sounds like it's his relationship of choice. You don't even sound second.

Newmumatlast · 07/10/2019 08:46

Tbh it sounds like there is a bigger issue than your birthday gifts. Unless he just so happens to like to avoid your birthday in particular so much that he drinks himself stupid each year, your comments about his alcohol consumption hint at a wider issue. He doesn't sound as though he prioritises you and your little family at all generally - so the birthday behaviour is just a further example of his general behaviour. I am not sure why you are with him and having more children together based on what you've said. Personally I wouldnt stand for it. Perhaps it's time for a serious conversation about his behaviour beyond just the birthday gift issue.

2beautifulbabs · 07/10/2019 09:01

Yikes op I feel sorry for you your not ungrateful btw it sounds more like your partner has some issues with alcohol if he can't possibly spend a night out just having a meal with you and then home or being able to go out and buy you nice gifts the shocking thing for me was the money in the card but then getting told that half of that was for bills that's shocking.

Also op does he actually help out with household chores childcare etc?

TheFaerieQueene · 07/10/2019 09:03

I am more and more astounded by the number of intelligent women who saddle themselves with such dreadful partners.

KellyHall · 07/10/2019 09:05

Having been in this situation, I imagine you mean he has the potential to be a great partner and father because he probably is every now and then, when he's not at the pub with his mates.

Keep telling him life is short, he's missing out on the magical time with his young children and he's neglecting you when you need him.

He'll either step up and be the man you know he can be. Or he'll continue to be a selfish arsehole and you'll have to make some very difficult decisions about your future and that of your children.

Nixen · 07/10/2019 09:06

Cracking idea to have another kid with this guy 🙄

Sohololopopo · 07/10/2019 09:22

You don’t have a birthday problem OP

You have a husband problem.

Cliche.

JorisBonson · 07/10/2019 09:24

This reminds me of when my ex got me a teapot for my 30th birthday then made me make the tea.

tinytemper66 · 07/10/2019 10:24

Just buy yourself what you want and say this is what you got me for my birthday

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 07/10/2019 10:45

Dont want to knock you when you're down. Your partner is shit. Sounds like an alcohol problem. Why did you settle for this?

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