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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that actually, autism can be a bad thing and it's okay to say that?

505 replies

User172818289 · 06/10/2019 14:44

My DS (5) was diagnosed a year or so ago. He is almost completely non-verbal, not potty trained and not looking like he will be for a while if at all, has to go to a special school and doesn't really interact with anyone much. We have basically accepted that he is not going to be able to have a 'normal' life, although we do things to make his life enjoyable and easier!

New colleague at work, started at the beginning of September has a son about the same age as DS. She asked what school he went to, so I explained that he has autism and goes to a SS. She goes 'Well autism isn't a bad thing' and goes on to talk for about 20 minutes about her autistic brother, who has 2 degrees, a girlfriend, a reasonably normal sounding life I would say.

Of course we love DS with all our hearts but I can't help sometimes wishing he didn't have autism. I tried to say something along those lines to colleague, I said something about yeah but he can be challenging sometimes and she said that I shouldn't define him by a label and there are no limits on what he can do.

AIBU to think actually autism can be a bad thing? I am not trying to offend anyone on here, please feel free to take this down if anyone is offended.

OP posts:
x2boys · 07/10/2019 15:08

No.parent on here was talking about PottedShrimp,experience though Finite they are talking about their own ,my child is non verbal ,he's in nappies he will never live independently , I can't see the positives in this ,even some posters on here with a diagnosis of autism say they hate their diagnosis are they wrong too ,the fact is in less you walk a mile in my shoes you have no right to tell me i shouldn't wish thing,s were different.

HeyNotInMyName · 07/10/2019 15:12

@Booboostwo, I am sorry but I think we are totally at cross wired there.
I staed that my choice of the word COPE was probably not the right one so why are you still goig on about it?

I also said clearly that I'm not ASSUMING you or anyone else doesnt cope but I am assuming the POSSIBILITY because if the person does then its nicer for them if i am mindful and maybe taking steps to help rather than the opposite and assuming they have no issue or struggles??

PralineCookie · 07/10/2019 15:12

Being human can sometimes be a bit crap. ASD people don't have a monopoly on crap lives. And some lives are crappier than others, some ASD lives, but also some NT lives.

I agree, but for me my autism makes my life much harder and less pleasurable. I can still have a good life but it really has held me back and I won't pretend otherwise. That doesn't mean that life would be perfect without it or that all people with autism feel the same way.

DuckWillow · 07/10/2019 15:13

pottedshrimps, I don’t think anyone here has said autistic people should not exist.

I am autistic as is my son.

Would I take away the difficulties he has which cause him distress? In a heartbeat.

Would I take away his autism which makes him quirky and is a part of who he is? Not at all.

I wouldn’t mind finding life a little easier at times but I manage in my own way.

Branleuse · 07/10/2019 15:13

Some neurotypicals have much much shittier personalities than a lot of autistics I know. They do seem to have an easier ride in life for a lot of stuff though, so I guess its swings and roundabouts.

Aoibhneas · 07/10/2019 15:14

FFS you are allowed an opinion

somebrightmorning · 07/10/2019 15:14

on a bright note, have we made it past the 300 mark without any appearance of the Holland poem?

Booboostwo · 07/10/2019 15:15

HeyNotInMyName sorry something is being lost in translation. As I understand it putting a word in quotation marks means you don't mean it sincerely, as in She is 'sick' again, implies that I think she's faking the illness. But I see that you didn't mean it that way, so apologies.

HeyNotInMyName · 07/10/2019 15:17

Being human can sometimes be a bit crap. ASD people don't have a monopoly on crap lives. And some lives are crappier than others, some ASD lives, but also some NT lives.

That is totally true!
I would also add that some NTs are twats/controlling/not very nice people and so are some aspies.

finitemonkeys · 07/10/2019 15:17

@BarbariansMum
@finitemonkeys that's such a flawed arguement. Being mixed race is not a disability, being gay is not a disability. Autism is a disability. It doesnt just stop being disabling if everyone develops a positive mental attitude towards it.

Just because you consider it a disability, it's not clinically defined as such and many of us don't experience it like that.

Oh, and 70 years ago, being gay was very much considered as a disability. 100 years ago, being black was considered a disability. You could still legitimately argue that it'll make their life harder in the future because they're still expected to navigate a society that isn't advanced enough to accept differences without friction.

Why do you think you're entitled to label me as disabled because my brain doesn't work the same way as yours?

@PralineCookie - I wasn't intending to be patronising any more than you were intending to be deliberately offensive to pottedshrimp when you said you'd rather avoid her. I'm not silencing parents of autistic children, I'm trying to get them to think about the language they're using and the effect it'll have on their children - you know, the ones they want to thrive and do well.

Actually, someone on this thread made a good point about people having different opinions - oh yeah, here it is:

@PralineCookie
Yes, heaven forbid that other people dare to have an opinion.

Or is this a debate that's only open to people agreeing with the OP?

Nonnymum · 07/10/2019 15:17

The autistic spectrum is very wide. I think your colleague was being insensitive. But she probably thought she was helping by telling you a positive story.

Branleuse · 07/10/2019 15:17

for all those that would remove their childs autism, as if its some seperate curable virus, leaving them with a perfect child. Good luck with that. Fingers crossed eh.

PralineCookie · 07/10/2019 15:18

Some neurotypicals have much much shittier personalities than a lot of autistics I know

Well of course they do. I know people who are NT who are dicks and I know people with autism who are dicks. I know lots of nice autistic people and I know lots of nice NT people. Has anyone said that all NT people are all perfect and lovely?

HeyNotInMyName · 07/10/2019 15:18

@branleuse, in which ways do you think they have an easier life?

PralineCookie · 07/10/2019 15:21

It seems that again some of the autistic people who are shouting everyone down again, including other autistics. Of course differing opinions are allowed but a PottedShrimps' posts were nothing but abuse. Some of her posts were deleted now but I said that I'd rather avoid her after she ranted about avoiding NT people. That's why I said it.

HeyNotInMyName · 07/10/2019 15:21

I wouldnt want to remove 'the autism' out my child or H.
But I sure as hell would love to remove all the difficulties they have in communicating for example. Because its making things much harder for them, which then creates anxiety and destroys their self worth.

Branleuse · 07/10/2019 15:21

@HeyNotInMyName

Like seem to have fewer issues holding down jobs. Were often able to cope with school better, if not enjoy it . Better organised in life, fewer social difficulties or sensory issues, fewer nervous breakdowns, better at maintaining traditional relationships. That sort of thing

x2boys · 07/10/2019 15:22

I doubt my child would be perfect if I took.his autism away ,but he would least be able to talk to me ,go to the toilet ,look.after himself when he's an adult ,you might not see autism as a disability finite but it certainly is for my son .

PralineCookie · 07/10/2019 15:23

I'd remove mine if I could. I'm not just my autism. I don't think it's possible but if I had a magic wand I'd remove it in a heartbeat. That I don't have a magic wand doesn't mean that I wouldn't like one. I don't think a winning lottery ticket is a likely scenario either but I'd still like one.

silly0ne · 07/10/2019 15:23

My eldest son is in residential care because we simply could not provide him with the care and support he needed. It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make and I still feel guilty that we had to make it. We just could not keep him safe. My youngest son states that he feels like killing himself because he has no friends and 'no life'.

So, yes, if I could wave away the barriers that cause my sons such distress and keep them so confined, I would do so.

Booboostwo · 07/10/2019 15:24

finitemonkeys what is the clinical definition of a disability? A significant mental of physical impairment that substantively limits (an aspect of) a person's life. As such the definition is subjective - purposefully so. And I think you are mixing up the inclusion of homosexuality in the DSM as a mental illness with it being a disability. I am not too sure anyone has ever claimed that homosexuality is a disability. Psychiatrists used to think it was a mental illness but that has now been revised (as is common with the list of mental illnesses), and it is a protected characteristic in many legal jurisdictions but that is all.

Branleuse · 07/10/2019 15:25

I dont agree with pottedshrimps view either, and its one of the reasons I cant deal with, or got banned from a couple of groups for autistic women on facebook. I can understand the anger sometimes, but to me, its like the anger directed at men from some feminists. I understand it, but I dont share it, and its not common to all feminists who understand that we live with and around these people and theyre not enemies. I know LOADS of NT people who I feel totally get it and arent dicks about it, and then there are a lot of others who are just awful, really negative, think that our children should be removed from situations and that we are making excuses and are lazy etc.

PralineCookie · 07/10/2019 15:26

So if people who are NT have an easier life, why is it wrong for me to wish away my anxiety. Depression sensory issues, emotional lability, self harming, struggling to read emotions, tell when people are joking etc?

ClownsandCowboys · 07/10/2019 15:29

Cancer is bad, epilespy is bad- doesn't mean the people with those medical conditions are bad.

@finitemonkeys as it happens I have Bipolar Disorder- I consider it a bad thing.

My dd considers autism a bad thing, she hates it.

BarbariansMum · 07/10/2019 15:29

@finitemonkeys care to quantify that? What percentage of autists dont experience autism as a disability? And what of those who do? Are they allowed to agree with the OP? She only proposed that it can be a bad thing, not that it always was.