To think that actually, autism can be a bad thing and it's okay to say that?

[User172818289]

My DS (5) was diagnosed a year or so ago. He is almost completely non-verbal, not potty trained and not looking like he will be for a while if at all, has to go to a special school and doesn't really interact with anyone much. We have basically accepted that he is not going to be able to have a 'normal' life, although we do things to make his life enjoyable and easier!

New colleague at work, started at the beginning of September has a son about the same age as DS. She asked what school he went to, so I explained that he has autism and goes to a SS. She goes 'Well autism isn't a bad thing' and goes on to talk for about 20 minutes about her autistic brother, who has 2 degrees, a girlfriend, a reasonably normal sounding life I would say.

Of course we love DS with all our hearts but I can't help sometimes wishing he didn't have autism. I tried to say something along those lines to colleague, I said something about yeah but he can be challenging sometimes and she said that I shouldn't define him by a label and there are no limits on what he can do.

AIBU to think actually autism can be a bad thing? I am not trying to offend anyone on here, please feel free to take this down if anyone is offended.

PottedShrimps. I'm autistic and I can't bear autistics with this attitude that you have . That no one can say a word against autism. Well fuck that I hate having it and I don't hate so called NTs. They're no more a hive mind than people with autism

Its like you cant even be positive about yourself and your own children without having to make concessions about how AWFUL it is for parents and partners of other autistic people.

You're no better than white supremacists

How dare you?

I love my children more than life but you don’t get to tell me how not difficult my life is, or call me akin to a neo nazi because i find it difficult.

Just because you are autistic, you don’t have the right to make assumptions about my children or about. The chances that they’ll ever be discussing autism on a message board are slim to none, so I guess you’ll never know.

I'd sooner avoid you, PottedShrimps.

How do you think an autistic kid would feel reading this?

Are your kids aware that you consider them to be a nuisance?

Sue me then. I'm autistic and one of my biggest fears is having an autistic child because I don't know how I'd cope and I know what I've suffered because of it. It isn't everyone's experience but that's mine, and it's as valid as yours.

Again just because some individuals with autism don’t see their autism as a problem or a bad thing that doesn’t mean those who do are wrong.

Ds hates his autism and the problems it causes it. It’s the reason at the age of 9 he is in antidepressants so ye a lot of his autism is bad. That doesn’t mean I don’t love him more than anything and wouldn’t do anything to help him but I’m also not going to be false enough to say it’s all wonderful coz it isn’t

Yes to an extent being positive is good. There are many ways I have suffered because society just doesn't accept me when really a little understanding and patience would be all that's needed. However, there are times when, for me, being autistic is just crap to be honest, and why shouldn't I be able to feel like that?

I've spent 37 years struggling through life and to be told I have to always be positive about that is offensive really.

yes, let's improve awareness and show that autistic people are valid, can achieve things etc but let's also appreciate how difficult it can be for autistic people and their families

Why can't we have a conversation about things like this without people wanting to get the thread shut down?

How is it disabalist,is it wrong that parents of children who will never live independently might never talk ,might never come out of nappies ,wish their child didn't have autism and learning disabilities? One person's experience of autism is one person's experience ,my son isn't a second class citizen either I would lay down my life for him ,but it doesn't meAn I wish things weren't different .

The only one I see whining here is you.

I was one of the 99% that voted Yanbu and I have autism.
Saying the disability can be bad does not mean the person is. My autism wrecks my life, I'm barely living at all, I break down over the simplest tasks people without autism do easy breezy.

Your posts about nts are really offensive

I actually think the disablist bit is when people try to deny that it is an issue for a lot of people. That is trying to negate the daily issues faced by so many

Well why my autistic child can talk let alone read so he won't be reading this

I actually think the disablist bit is when people try to deny that it is an issue for a lot of people. That is trying to negate the daily issues faced by so many

This. It'd be disablist if I tried to claim that it makes everyone miserable but that's clearly not the case, but that doesn't mean that my negative feelings or those of anyone else aren't equally valid as those who are comfortable in their skin.

Yes, heaven forbid that other people dare to have an opinion.

You clearly have absolutely no idea what life is life for my children or for me, so your opinion is irrelevant. You can talk about yourself and how you feel and you have no right to talk about anyone else.

@PralineCookie
PottedShrimps. I'm autistic and I can't bear autistics with this attitude that you have . That no one can say a word against autism. Well fuck that I hate having it and I don't hate so called NTs. They're no more a hive mind than people with autism

No, they're not. But they are the default and they make up the rules, which we have to try and fit into and get constantly told that we're failing. I'm sorry that you hate your autism but it's part of you and you're not going to get over it, so hating an innate part of yourself and sucking up to the NTs doesn't seem entirely healthy. Self-esteem is one of the biggest casualties of having ASD in an NT world - having autism doesn't make you lesser, it makes you different and you'd do well to come to terms with that.

PottedShrimps is angry. It's not easy hearing your daily experience dissected and negatively commented on by people with the luxury to not have to work through it. She has every right to express that anger and talking down to her or mocking her because she's not reacting in a typically NT way is an experience she'll be very, very used to by now.

Her point stands though - imagine if this were a thread full of white parents talking about how difficult life was for their mixed-race children and how they wish they could be white in an ideal world. Or cis parents talking about their gay children and wishing they could be straight "because it'd make the lives easier".

For example, the last time I flew, when I checked in and asked if there was anywhere quiet in the airport that I could wait in, I didn't actually get an answer. The check-in clerk completely ignored me, turned to my DH and said "if she's going to be a problem on the plane, we won't be able to let her fly."

So, yeah - constantly dealing with issues like this, cumulating in one giant shit-sandwich of feeling like you're a nuisance, that your weirdness is making someone uncomfortable and they see and talk to you like an idiot child, then I'd say that anger is a normal and healthy response to prejudice and discrimination.

I sometimes think my autism is a big issue for me, but then I think again and realise actually it's not. I see my autistic son and he's a happy little soul and I see that it's not defined by our autism but by the people who surround us.

40 years ago I was surrounded by people who were cruel or didn't care. My classmates had zero tolerance and excluded me from everything, Later on my employers made no allowance for my needs and therefore I couldn't keep a job. I developed an eating disorder because I wanted to fade away and disappear as I already felt invisible.

40 years on and my son is surrounded by people who love him and care for him. His classmates have an understanding of his difference and are so kind to him and try to make sure he's included. Other parents are more understanding of both of us. When I don't attend loud school social events they send me videos and photos of DS so I can still see him.

I guess what I'm trying to sat is that our autism is the same but it's our life experience which defines whether it feels like a good or bad thing.

There is a boy at my son's school who is autistic. He is happy has lots of friends and intact the other kids in the class sense a niavity and innocence in him and are protective of him. He's clever, loving, caring and says how he feels no matter when or where. I have commented a few times that the world could do with more people like him in it.

Then there is a boy in a ASN school my husband works in. He is non verbal, when triggered is violent and lashes out through agitation and fear. He is learning 5/10% of the time he is There, the rest of the time he is having to be calmed, being removed from the class, being taken walks outside etc. His parents get no sleep and are constantly worried he will hurt himself or others.

They are both autistic.

I find the audacity of some people to criticise those who would take away their child's autism laughable. How dare you judge someone and their lives based on your own experiences or your own journey. Aren't we all different?

OP of course YANBU

Don't be so patronising. I am well aware that autism doesn't make anyone lesser. I didn't claim that. I don't think that I am lesser because I have autism, not at all. I just hate the issues that it causes me. It makes life harder and less pleasurable for me so I wish that I didn't have it.

I live with autism too so I know how frustrating it can be, and I have anger issues, though I only take them out on myself but that level of anger(and mine) is neither healthy or appropriate. She's in serious danger of choking on her own bile.

I could say I'm equally angry and upset about repeatedly being shouted down over and over again by autistics like PottedShrimps who can't bear to let others speak about their very different but equally valid experiences of autism. Why should I and others be silenced just because we have a different opinion? Why should the parents of children with autism be silenced? It impacts on them too. Acknowledging that doesn't mean that they love their children any less. I've been a career and the one needing care. Both parties need and deserve support.

@finitemonkeys that's such a flawed arguement. Being mixed race is not a disability, being gay is not a disability. Autism is a disability. It doesnt just stop being disabling if everyone develops a positive mental attitude towards it.

YANBU.

I would take away the Autism and it's associated difficulties from my 2 DC if I could.

Being human can sometimes be a bit crap. ASD people don't have a monopoly on crap lives. And some lives are crappier than others, some ASD lives, but also some NT lives.