To think that actually, autism can be a bad thing and it's okay to say that?

[User172818289]

My DS (5) was diagnosed a year or so ago. He is almost completely non-verbal, not potty trained and not looking like he will be for a while if at all, has to go to a special school and doesn't really interact with anyone much. We have basically accepted that he is not going to be able to have a 'normal' life, although we do things to make his life enjoyable and easier!

New colleague at work, started at the beginning of September has a son about the same age as DS. She asked what school he went to, so I explained that he has autism and goes to a SS. She goes 'Well autism isn't a bad thing' and goes on to talk for about 20 minutes about her autistic brother, who has 2 degrees, a girlfriend, a reasonably normal sounding life I would say.

Of course we love DS with all our hearts but I can't help sometimes wishing he didn't have autism. I tried to say something along those lines to colleague, I said something about yeah but he can be challenging sometimes and she said that I shouldn't define him by a label and there are no limits on what he can do.

AIBU to think actually autism can be a bad thing? I am not trying to offend anyone on here, please feel free to take this down if anyone is offended.

[LoseLooseLucy]

It's a very contentious opinion sadly araiwa. I've seen some pretty bad comments on Facebook groups aimed at parents who have stated they wish they could take the autism away. I would in a heartbeat 🤷

[Sleepyblueocean]

'There are no limits on what he can do’

Yes that would piss me off.
It's an annoying thing when said about anyone else's child.
I think there are different autisms with different challenges.

[Landltara]

Yanbu I am autistic, classed as high functioning, but my life feels incredibly shit, stressful and a constant struggle because of my autism and the issues that come with that.

[RandomMess]

YANBU!

[Livelovebehappy]

I guess it’s a bit of a minefield saying the ‘right’ thing when speaking to people who a autistic DC. Your colleague was probably trying to put a positive spin on it to maybe make you feel better by hearing how well her own family member had done? Or if she had gone the other way and said ‘omg, you poor thing. Your poor dc, life is going to be so difficult for you’ you may have reacted by being upset she was making it sound so bad. I’m sure the colleague was saying what she did from a good place, and wouldn’t have wanted to upset you at all.

[sweetkitty]

YANBU

I’m a SEN teacher and I work with severely autistic non verbal children whom I love dearly but it is very hard work but then I put on a bus at 3pm I have no idea what it’s like to parent a severely autistic child. I’m sure every parent wouldn’t want their child to be autistic.

[MadameOvary]

Of course! It can and it is.
My DD is autistic and it's looking increasingly likely that I am, too.
For some, autism is a superpower.
For others, it's the opposite.
Both viewpoints are valid.

[DaisyDreaming]

I think so many adults with autism who are online and out and about have changed how people see autism. For example those who are married, live independently, have a job, went to uni etc but struggle when over whelmed label themselves as ‘frequently non verbal’ and find the label high functioning offensive. It doesn’t give any kind of voice to those with a loved one who have never said a word in their life, are in nappies and self harm through frustration as they can’t communicate their needs. You can feel about autism however you want but I would struggle to hear that from someone if I were you. It’s hard enough accepting your child won’t have the life you imagined for them and people going on about those with autism who are able to do everything you wish for your child must be so hard

[OtraCosaMariposa]

DD's best friend has Asperger's. She's not a Sheldon either. She is in mainstream school but struggling badly. She can't concentrate enough to take things in, doesn't do the social stuff, still believes in Santa at 15, just a very different soul who doesn't understand why everyone laughs at her. I know for her Mum it's a real worry what's going to happen to her as an adult.

YANBU OP, it's tough.

[Readytogogogo]

Your son sounds similar to my nephew. Your colleague is a clueless insensitive idiot.

[Pagwatch]

It’s so difficult
The last thing that parents of newly diagnosed children, young adults with asd or indeed anyone who regards their autism as an important part of who they are need to hear is negativity.
But it is silencing. Because my son can’t speak then I have to speak for him and I have been berated for being ‘negative’

Some on line advocates and autistic people even have a term ‘martyr mommie’ where they attack women who talk about their difficulties supporting children with ASD. They inevitably claim that the mother is selfish and narcissistic and making things up. It’s vile.

People like my son are being wiped out of public discourse - which is inevitable of course.

[Kittenbittenmitten]

Of course YANBU. I have worked with some people who are severely disabled by autism and others seem, on the surface, fine. There's a huge spectrum like CP in that some people are so severely affected they cannot walk or talk, are doubly incontinent and are profoundly intellectually impaired. At the other end, the only problems some people might have is stiffness or a lack of coordination.

[Villageidiots]

My db has autism. His life isn't great. He is quite isolated and struggles with a lot of things. Hard to generalise as it's such a broad spectrum but from my experience it isn't something to be welcomed.

[SafetyAdvice0FeedWhenAgitated]

YANBU
The most heartbreaking thing I have ever read was an interview with a mother of autistic son. He is non verbal, aggressive, really strong and very low functioning. It wasn't in UK, where she is there is no school nor any care home to actually take him. She had number of broken bones, various injuries etc caused by him.

She said that she knows he will kill her, but she still loves him and knows it won't be his fault.

[Rachelover60]

You're not at all unreasonable. Autism can be a handicap. Your colleague's brother is obviously in a different place on the spectrum.

[Mightygerbil]

YANBU. There is no one size fits all with autism or any other condition for that matter. How autism affects your colleagues brother is very different to how it affects your DD. So many people have stereotypical of what autism and that it manifests in many different ways and no two people have the same experience of it. There’s a huge thing about embracing and looking for the positives of some conditions that arise out of these stereotypes ie people with Downs Syndrome are all loving and gentle, people with autism are all great at maths, art etc and just think a bit differently to those who don’t have it. As with any stereotype they’re not helpful and I imagine they’re very frustrating to be on the receiving end of.

[SuitedandBooted]

YANBU. I know a family whose autistic daughter has a successful, and normal life - I mean that in the sense she has friends, job etc.

I also know another family who will always be full-time carers for their child. He will never be independent.

The extent of the spectrum is vast. I really don't think people appreciate that. They see the "genius" types in the media - the artists, musicians etc, and just think "What's the problem?" A few hours spent with my friend's son would soon show the problem, in all its full, life-restricting glory

[Mightygerbil]

Sorry I meant your DS

[TruJay]

I came on to say exactly what dyrne has said about Sheldon. People ask me what dd’s ‘special power’ is all the time those people are dicks!
Of course it’s fine to say it’s a bad thing, it’s not something we would choose for our children to have. Although I have thought about whether I would take away dd’s autism if I could and I always find that really difficult to answer as she wouldn’t be dd without it. Echolalia has given her the most amazing American accent ever too which always makes everyone happy when they have a little chat with her. We’re in Yorkshire so it’s hilarious.
I never thought she’d talk but now she does, I never thought she’d be out of nappies but she finally is (through the day).
She’s make great progress but she still isn’t like her peers and I don’t think she ever will be, I don’t know if she’ll be an independent adult, it’s one day at a time.

Some family don’t get it, “but she doesn’t look autistic”, “but she’s really cute”, “well when I saw her last week, she was completely normal”. Apparently the half hour some family members see her and she doesn’t have a meltdown or a sensory issue means we’re juat making it all up.

It’s bloody hard op wherever on the spectrum our children are. One minute my dd can be happily holding my hand looking ‘normal’ the next she’s bolted, stripped naked and is pooing in the middle of the park or she’s joined another family having a picnic and has sat on a strangers knee and is stealing their food or having one hell of a meltdown with everyone staring and I just want to sit and cry while she punches me in the face as I try my best to help her.

You are entitled to feel however you wish to feel, no one understands autism until they live it. Sending my love

[AllThatGlistensIs]

I just wish people would understand the vast, vast spectrum and difficulties that arise with autism. I have two diagnosed dc, one very high functioning, supremely intelligent, doing excellently in mainstream yet not a shred of common sense in them, and the other who is mostly non verbal and has profound learning disabilities as well. The latter will never ever live independently.

One persons experience of autism does not mean all are the same.

It’s fucking infuriating. I often say I would dearly love people to come and stay with us for a week. Let’s see how utterly exhausted and hopefully wiser they’d be at the end of it.

[Durgasarrow]

People are fucking idiots. They confuse acceptance of someone with a disability with the idea that a disability is not disabling.

[bakesalesally]

My DS is one of the most loving and wonderful people that I have ever met. He is high functioning and has learnt a lot of social cues parrot fashion so a lot of people don't see the anxiety, confusion, frustrations, obsessions and anxiety he has over the most basic things.

I would never change who he is, but I would take away his autism in a heartbeat. I am pretty sure he will be ok, but I am not sure if he will ever live independently. Which is a worry.

People do say some ignorant things. Sometimes I let it breeze over me, somedays I take it as an opportunity to educate and some days I bear my teeth and growl loudly.

[Babybel90]

My brother has autism, it definitely limits him. He struggled through mainstream school by taking only the core subjects and with one to one teaching assistants, but he cannot work because he cannot follow instructions or relate to other people at all. He really struggles with it.

He will likely never work or have a relationship or his own family and if I could stop him being autistic I would in a heartbeat.

[ibanez0815]

yanbu. I have a low functioning DD.

unfortunately, those on the low functioning end of the spectrum don't have nowhere near the same public profile as those who are very bright, articulate with successful careers and leading independent lifes.

The whole neurodiversity movement which seems largely driven by those on the high functioning end of the spectrum who see their ASD as a mere 'difference' or even a superpower a la Greta doesn't help.

[Sleepyblueocean]

Sometimes on here you get someone with a child with a different sort of autism from my son's banging on about how their child knows right from wrong and autism is no excuse etc. I think sometimes people with a family member with a more higher functioning autism can be blinkered about it isn't the same for everyone.