Family causing Christmas stress. What would be fair? Long!

[MeredithGrey1]

Sorry, another Christmas one, and a bit long, but I’m not sure what’s fair.

My parents always had Christmas just them, me and my siblings, no extended family ever, while I was growing up.
DH’s parents always had (and still have) one set of DH’s grandparents visit 24th-26th, and the other 26th-28th, alternating each year who was there for Christmas Day.
We have spent two previous Christmases visiting my parents 22nd-24th and DH’s parents 24th-27th, meaning that we see everyone (both sets of parents plus both sets of DH’s grandparents) over the Christmas period.
This year, my parents have started making noises about how they won’t ever see DD (who will be 6 months this Christmas) on Christmas Day if this arrangement continues. But if the arrangement changes and we visit my parents for Christmas Day, at least one set of DH’s grandparents won’t see DD at all over Christmas, whereas with the current arrangement my parents do at least see DD over the Christmas period, just not Christmas Day. This would upset DH’s parents and whichever set of his grandparents we didn’t see.
Due to distances we can’t split Christmas Day, nor can we visit my parents for Christmas Day, but see DH’s parents both sides of Christmas and therefore see both great grandparents. We also cannot host at ours due to lack of space. We also don’t want to spend it just the three of us, as we do like seeing wider family over Christmas.
What is fair? Do we ignore the presence of DH grandparents and just alternate between parents, or do we try to make sure we see everyone, even if my parents don’t get Christmas Day? DH and I can both see both sides, so we haven’t argued about it, we just want to keep everyone happy. Neither of us had this issue growing up, as DH just had GPs who visited alternate christmases, and my mother flatly refused to invite anyone, or go anywhere because she wanted Christmas just to be her and her “little family” (so I do find it a bit rich she’s now pestering for Christmas with her grandchild when grandparent/grandchild relationships were not at all important to her when I was a child, but that’s a side issue!).
I’ll put voting buttons in but they don’t actually reflect how I feel, as I haven’t decided!
YABU - alternate christmases
YANBU - stick with current arrangement

What do you and your dh want to do? I'd go for that.

Sod what your parents/ his parents / his grandparents want, because the fact is you're going to upset someone whatever you do. What do you want?

You should just alternate years and maybes
stay a bit longer. So you only visit one set of parents.

This will also give you time at home over the Christmas period which will be nicer for your child as she grows up and makes friends.

I haven't voted because I don't think it is black and white ,

My thoughts are: if you didn't have to take anyone else's feelings on board then what would you and dh prefer to do? Because that is important.

Also, whilst I feel that surely it is more important to please dd's grandparents rather than her great grandparents??? I mean they've had their time surely?

and you seem a little about your parents' requests due to what they used to do when you were a child and in a way I don't blame you.

You have an awful lot of people to please so to be honest I would do it as you and your dh would prefer because as they say, you can't please all of the people all of the time. And the way it is now, you at least do see everyone .

Why can't the visiting grandparents stay at a different time so that they can see your dd? If your in laws and their parents are going to be that upset not to see your dd over Christmas, then it won't be much of a sacrifice to change things by a day or two.

I think it would be very sad, unfair and hurtful for your mum for you to basically tell her she will never get another Christmas Day with her daughter and granddaughter just so that you can accommodate great grandparents at their convenience.

Surely you just explain this to DH’s parents and grandparents. Maybe they can come up with a compromise whereby they switch their days around so one set visit 21st - 23rd and the other visit 23-26th for example. Then, every other year, you visit DH parents 22nd - 24th and your parents on Xmas day

I don’t think it’s fair for your parents never to spend Xmas with you

Have you pointed out to your mum her hypocrisy?

Quite frankly she's lucky you don't follow her lead and have just the 3 of you at home every year and exclude them completely considering that was the example you were given throughout your childhood.

The existing arrangement seems to suit everyone except your mum, who is already getting more time with her GC than she ever allowed; I'd stick with that.

Honestly? I would stay at home with just you, DH and your DD. It's far too much drama otherwise.

What do you and your dh want to do? I'd go for that.

I probably lean towards the sticking with what we do currently and DH leans towards alternating. I get on very well with his parents and grandparents, and he gets on well with my parents and we like having a family Christmas with extended family. Since I never saw extended family at Christmas when I was growing up, I think it's lovely that DD will have christmases with GPs and GGPs. Plus with my parents, Christmas was sort of like any other day (I don't mean to sound ungrateful, we had presents, but it wasn't a bit thing with family, food, games, general merriment etc)

We solved it by seeing none of the grandparents on Christmas Day (3 sets due divorce). Christmas is just us at home, think of christmas as a period of time, not just one day. Touch base with everyone but not on the key day then no one can feel slighted.

one year your parents 22-24th, then his 24-27th

next year your parents 23-26th then his 26-27/8

Stick with what you do now, it sounds lovely and it suits you.

What your mum did or didn't do when you were kids isn't really relevant here as she obviously cares more about seeing her dd and grandchild at Christmas than she did seeing her parents or grandparents. That's fine. She's allowed to feel that way.

I think it's actually really harsh for you and your dh to spend each Christmas with his parents, ensuring that they and his great grandparents will always get to see you dc on Christmas Day, whilst feeling annoyed that your parents would also like that same opportunity. I think you should alternate Christmas Day each year.

Due to large family and divorces, we celebrate as we see fit on actual Christmas Day, then on Boxing Day we have an open house at my dad's house, with a large buffet.
Anyone not seen on Christmas Day or in the run up to Christmas will get their presents on Boxing Day.

Certainly helped with divorced brothers seeing their kids and seeing all family together.

Can you do one in three at your parents for Christmas day, then the other two as you suggested in your OP? Just for the next three years, then review.

I don't know how old your DH's grandparents are, but it's possible this would be a fairly short term arrangement anyway...

Also bear in mind that as your dc gets older (and other dcs come along?) the prospect of spending every Christmas travelling, packing presents, never getting settled, not getting your own home ready for Christmas, having to let FC know which house to deliver to... is not going to be that great.... so don't commit to any pattern long term.

Do what suits you. The second you start changing your plans to suit other people, you build a rod for your own back, and they expect to have their own way all the time - trust me, I speak from experience.

Christmas is not just one day. Your child will be more than happy to get their presents from your parents another day. Through the whole time I was growing up, my grandparents were never pushy like this to see us, and what we did always worked fine. We would go and see my mum's parents on boxing day (until they were too old to cook Christmas dinner, so they came to us Christmas day anyway) and then went to see my dad's family over new year.

Do what suits you, and don't let anyone tell you different.

If you’re not absolutely set on going to your parents for Christmas Day every other year, maybe you could try alternating but on a three year basis? So spend two years doing what you have done (your parents for before Christmas Day then his with alternate GPs at Christmas itself). The third year, spend time with DH’s parents before Christmas (and the GPs can rearrange visits that year if they want to see your DD) and spend Christmas Day with your parents. Could something like that work?

Why can't you do 23-25th your parents and 26th-28th his? You get to see them all including both sets of GPs and your mum gets Xmas day with you

Then alternate next year

What is fair?

The only “fair” answer is to alternate Christmas days.

It would not be “fair” for one set of DDs grandparents to see her every Christmas and the other never to see her on Christmas.

Your DH’s grandparents can change their visit dates as a PP suggested so each of them gets to see her over the Christmas period.

But, saying that no one can force you to do what’s “fair”. You can do whatever you want.

I like your arrangement and can't see why your parents can't just bring Christmas forward one day, since it wasn't such a big thing for them in the first place!

It's not like your baby is going to know any different for a few years yet - time to worry about it when she starts to understand dates!

Is there any chance at all that your parents could maybe visit your DH's parents too, or is that too difficult distance/relationship wise?

Sounds like you are mimicking your Mother by preferring to have your own Christmas, regardless of relationships. Maybe your daughter will mimic you in the future and only have Christmas Day with her DH's family, as you did.

Why is it so important for people to see people on a specific day?

Just do what you want to do, what works for you.

As long as your children have a relationship with their relatives, it doesn’t matter who sees whom on any given day.

Just stay at home, just your DH and DC.

See extended family before/after.

We have a similar situation as family all spread out. Sometimes we have Christmas just us. Sometimes they come to us, sometimes we go to them.

I don't really get why it's so important for the great grandparents to see you children on Christmas day - any other day in the Christmas period should be fine. They should be able to understand they are not the only family to consider!

I would do a year your parents, a year his, and a year at home. As children get older, they have more of a say - mine have asked that we go to nanny's this year which is out of sync.

We might see the one remaining great grandparent, but we probably won't. She's not very nice.

I can never understand why, when ££££’s are spent on DC for Christmas they are promptly carted off to other people’s houses.

Stay st you own home Xmas day, then visit everyone else on the days between Xmas and NY.