Family causing Christmas stress. What would be fair? Long!

[MeredithGrey1]

Sorry, another Christmas one, and a bit long, but I’m not sure what’s fair.

My parents always had Christmas just them, me and my siblings, no extended family ever, while I was growing up.
DH’s parents always had (and still have) one set of DH’s grandparents visit 24th-26th, and the other 26th-28th, alternating each year who was there for Christmas Day.
We have spent two previous Christmases visiting my parents 22nd-24th and DH’s parents 24th-27th, meaning that we see everyone (both sets of parents plus both sets of DH’s grandparents) over the Christmas period.
This year, my parents have started making noises about how they won’t ever see DD (who will be 6 months this Christmas) on Christmas Day if this arrangement continues. But if the arrangement changes and we visit my parents for Christmas Day, at least one set of DH’s grandparents won’t see DD at all over Christmas, whereas with the current arrangement my parents do at least see DD over the Christmas period, just not Christmas Day. This would upset DH’s parents and whichever set of his grandparents we didn’t see.
Due to distances we can’t split Christmas Day, nor can we visit my parents for Christmas Day, but see DH’s parents both sides of Christmas and therefore see both great grandparents. We also cannot host at ours due to lack of space. We also don’t want to spend it just the three of us, as we do like seeing wider family over Christmas.
What is fair? Do we ignore the presence of DH grandparents and just alternate between parents, or do we try to make sure we see everyone, even if my parents don’t get Christmas Day? DH and I can both see both sides, so we haven’t argued about it, we just want to keep everyone happy. Neither of us had this issue growing up, as DH just had GPs who visited alternate christmases, and my mother flatly refused to invite anyone, or go anywhere because she wanted Christmas just to be her and her “little family” (so I do find it a bit rich she’s now pestering for Christmas with her grandchild when grandparent/grandchild relationships were not at all important to her when I was a child, but that’s a side issue!).
I’ll put voting buttons in but they don’t actually reflect how I feel, as I haven’t decided!
YABU - alternate christmases
YANBU - stick with current arrangement

Personally I don't see what is so important that everyone needs to see your DD at Christmas. Your current arrangement sounds exhausting! I think you should spend some Christmases with your DP and some with your DPIL. You can always visit one of the sets of grandparents early December or January. Although you say you like travelling at Christmas you may not like it as much when your DD is older and you perhaps have more children. Your DD may also prefer to be doing activities at home, playing with their new toys and doing as they please rather than long Christmas dinners with adults. So I wouldn't set anything in stone.

I got tired of this every year, everyone wanting something different and my family being piggy in the middle. Now I do whatever the fuck I want and everyone else can figure themselves out. This year I'm going out to eat and if extended family want to come that's up to them.

Go to your parents and travel to his on 26th. Make sure GP set 1 stick around so you see them when you arrive for dinner together (possibly with GP set 2 if they've already arrived), before set 1 head off.

@TatianaLarina I used to love it.

Then I had to be an adult and manage everyone else’s expectations while no one cares about mine, as “your an adult” and “we need to see the grandkids”

I’m trying to take it back, but someone always cries because we aren’t giving them what they want. (The criers are never actual children)

*youre
Ffs

Im with a pp. Stay at home. If you want you could uggest times when you will be happy to have visitors popping in for an hour - if theure so desperate to see the grandkids/great grandkids then theyll visit you.

I think your parents get priority over your DHs grandparents. A two or three year rota would be best, one year with his family, one year with your family, one year at home.
I would be very sad if my DC spent every Christmas with their in-laws instead of us.

The only issue here would be if DH objected to alternating as you don’t seem to care either way. He doesn’t. So alternate. As a child we rarely saw GPs at Christmas but that was because they weren’t bothered not because my parents didn’t want us to. Your mums relationship with your relatives has no bearing on her wanting to see you her GC.

What MintyMabel said...

So much angst. Make sure you visit family when you can and then the 25th wont be such a big deal.

Actually....make sure your solitary elderly relatives aren't alone on the 25th as it does hurt that bit extra to be alone then- that is the only thing I would be paying attention to in all of this palaver

Just a heads up that whatever you decide to do next year and the year after, might not be something that works going forward.

Initially we had a 3 year rota (my parents, DH's parents, on our own). Once the kids were more into Father Christmas, we wanted to do our own traditions at home. Stockings were getting a bit complicated.

So, we started having Christmas Day at home. It's better for the children certainly. They enjoy being in their own beds, they enjoy having all their toys at home to play with. We enjoy being in our own house too. We see family before Christmas and directly after Christmas. Christmas Day is one day of the year, the children can absolutely have a very special day with the GPs at any time over the festive period, without all the hype and expectation that the 25th December brings.

MIL was particularly upset. They don't come to us though, I expect because they'd stay in a hotel. I met DH at uni, we lived where the work was/is and neither of us live near our home towns. It's how it is now and how it is likely to be for our children. But I would have had my time doing stockings and FC with DD and DS, when they have kids it will be their time to do those things, maybe at my house, maybe at their own, maybe somewhere else.

I highly doubt my mum would be willing to visit us, she'd want Christmas at her house.

Hmm. It seems like she wants your family there to complete her idea of Christmas. But it's your Christmas too.

Stick with the current plan, your parent can make new traditions around Christmas Eve etc, any complaints point out her double standards...

You and your baby are not Christmas decorations to be put on display at your mum’s house to complete her ideal Christmas. Do what works for you.

Bear in mind that as children get older they may ask to have Christmas at their own house, so they can play with their toys.

I think my childhood christmases skew my view of this, but when I was a child all I wanted was to see GPs at christmas

Do you think part of you is trying to punish your mum? Otherwise it seems a bit odd that you’d stop your DD seeing one set of grandparents at Christmas.

Personally I'd do 22-24th at your parents.

26-28th at DH

25th at home!

Then alternate the before and after every year to ensure you coincide with various family members.

We never went to GP for Xmas but I couldn't imagine not going to my parents Xmas day.
We go for about 4-5 hours though (dinner and presents!)

I couldn't imagine waking up anywhere other than home Xmas day!

I think what you've been doing is fine, but I can also see why you and your husband might feel the need to alternate to be more equal. Whatever you do, it seems like you're trying to make sure everyone is included, and you're making much more of an effort than many would.

Speaking from my own experience, some of my fondest memories are of Christmas Eve parties with one side of my family. The season was even more exciting and magical before Santa had come. Of course, some adults don't see it that way and get hung up on seeing people on Christmas Day. Would you parents be placated by having a video chat on Christmas morning or afternoon?

Your set up is v similar to ours.

You'll find on MN that the "just stay at home", "own little family", "resentful children dragged around" trope is strong.

My Mum always insisted it was just the four of us and I longed to see family. I still feel awful now that my dad's parents in particular never got a big family Christmas as they had no other children. I am close to my 94yo grandma and I know she still feels sad that she never saw her grandchildren, not even once, on the 25th.

I always vowed that I would spend Christmas with as many people as were willing and just being at home wasn't my first choice, particularly as we lived in a tiny house and couldn't host.

We alternated for a long time until we were lucky enough to have a house large enough to accommodate family and now we also get to host. My Mum and MIL also love to host. No resentment anywhere and I LOVE Christmas.

My children are not and never were resentful, nor did they miss out on playing or similar. Both cite family as what makes Christmas and when I tentatively asked last year if they'd prefer it being just the four of us, they were aghast! At 12 and 8, they're well able to express their preferences.

Christmas is a twelve-day festival, not a single day! I think your DM is the unreasonable one here. Will her DGD look, sound, smell or taste any different on one particular day of the twelve? What is it she wants to do that can only happen on the 25th, realistically? Unless it's a church service, I don't see it.

Does your DM want to be seen to be No1 in all this, I wonder? And I also wonder how the second-biggest Christian - and pre-Christian - festival full of light and love and generosity can be so often turned into a battleground within and between families.

I reckon you do what you and your DH feel like doing. Perhaps tell DM you've decided to follow her model this year and see nobody but your 'little family'. 😉

It is lovely that it is you that wants slightly more to spend the day with your dh's family and your dh that is leaning towards a turn and turn about.

I would be inclined not to make it into a strict 'turn and turn about' as things change, as your dc gets older, and, potentially if there are other dc later.
I also think it depends a bit on the age / fitness of the GGPs. It would be unusual for a grown man with a family of his own to have two sets of Grandparents not only still with us, but well enough to cope with having small children around for a full day for very many years to come. You might want to factor that into the equations.

I don't know what holiday time you / your parents get around Christmas, but what about the option of them hosting "Christmas Day" on the 22nd / 23rd or the 28th or something ? - Having the full dinner, and opening presents with your dc on a day that isn't the 25th, but is "their Christmas Day". Bonus, you get two days. By the time your dc is old enough to know everyone doesn't have two Christmas days, they will realise it is a bonus... win win.

When my dd was born she had 5 GGPs. Now she has 1. We tried to see all GGPs every Christmas period and don’t regret it. Lots of memories.

Christmas is magical. I love it but why don't you let your Mum into a little secret.... Santa is a flexi worker! If she checks in Lapland early enough he'll come Christmas Eve Eve to hers!

Your mum set the precedent of not seeing extended family on Christmas day so it's her turn to be on the receiving end of her rule. It's lovely that your in-laws host their own parents at Christmas & that your baby will see them. Tough cheese on your mum for not hospitable enough earlier to lay claim to seeing her grandchild at Christmas. You reap what you sow.

Where does Santa come to? Do the parents live a distance away, that you stay a few days at both? Surely that can't continue long term? You're putting yourselves under pressure to be away from home for close to a week in order to keep everyone else happy?

If Santa comes to your in laws house every year then I can't understand your own mother being put out that they get to share that every year and she doesn't. In my mind though, the solution would be to stay home in Christmas Day. Just yourselves. Relax. Start your own traditions. Let your child enjoy the excitement of opening her presents and being able to enjoy them in the relaxed setting of her own home.

Visit the relatives over Christmas, but nobody on the day.

Agree Fluffy, you reap what you sow!

By that token, the op is going to be very lonely at Christmas when all her dcs decide that too........and go to visit their dp’s family every year!!

It's irrelevant what the OPs mother did years ago. Her mother has told her daughter that she would like to spend Christmas with her grandchild and the OP has decided she doesn't want to do this and is using what happened years ago to justify not disrupting her Christmas. If you don't want to spend Christmas Day with your parents then fine, but own your decision rather than blaming on stuff that happened years ago.

I think it's very hurtful to prioritise her dh's parents and grandparents every year, and in years to come she may find out what this actually feels like when her own children start doing exactly the same thing to her.