Family causing Christmas stress. What would be fair? Long!

[MeredithGrey1]

Sorry, another Christmas one, and a bit long, but I’m not sure what’s fair.

My parents always had Christmas just them, me and my siblings, no extended family ever, while I was growing up.
DH’s parents always had (and still have) one set of DH’s grandparents visit 24th-26th, and the other 26th-28th, alternating each year who was there for Christmas Day.
We have spent two previous Christmases visiting my parents 22nd-24th and DH’s parents 24th-27th, meaning that we see everyone (both sets of parents plus both sets of DH’s grandparents) over the Christmas period.
This year, my parents have started making noises about how they won’t ever see DD (who will be 6 months this Christmas) on Christmas Day if this arrangement continues. But if the arrangement changes and we visit my parents for Christmas Day, at least one set of DH’s grandparents won’t see DD at all over Christmas, whereas with the current arrangement my parents do at least see DD over the Christmas period, just not Christmas Day. This would upset DH’s parents and whichever set of his grandparents we didn’t see.
Due to distances we can’t split Christmas Day, nor can we visit my parents for Christmas Day, but see DH’s parents both sides of Christmas and therefore see both great grandparents. We also cannot host at ours due to lack of space. We also don’t want to spend it just the three of us, as we do like seeing wider family over Christmas.
What is fair? Do we ignore the presence of DH grandparents and just alternate between parents, or do we try to make sure we see everyone, even if my parents don’t get Christmas Day? DH and I can both see both sides, so we haven’t argued about it, we just want to keep everyone happy. Neither of us had this issue growing up, as DH just had GPs who visited alternate christmases, and my mother flatly refused to invite anyone, or go anywhere because she wanted Christmas just to be her and her “little family” (so I do find it a bit rich she’s now pestering for Christmas with her grandchild when grandparent/grandchild relationships were not at all important to her when I was a child, but that’s a side issue!).
I’ll put voting buttons in but they don’t actually reflect how I feel, as I haven’t decided!
YABU - alternate christmases
YANBU - stick with current arrangement

Stick with what you have now & point out to your Mum that you never saw your grandparents on Christmas Day. Also whoever said upthread that great-grandparents are less important than grandparents...I treasure the fact that my daughter had a wonderful relationship with my grandmother for 6 years ( and with her own grandparents).

Stay at home and invite whoever wants to come- they may have to stay in a hotel locally.

You need to have a strict ish policy of 1 set of GP one year, 1 year at home for your own family, the next for the other set of GP followed by 1 year of your own family.
If you keep going away for Christmas you will never have the pleasure of having your own family celebrations in your own home.
Being at the beck and call of GPs has ruined Christmas for me as I never had a holiday in my own home while the children were small. Always going away.

Stick to the current arrangement. The grandparents might not be around much longer and your mum sounds like she’s being a bit of a brat - it’s not like she doesn’t see you at all!

Just focus on each set of parents and alternating them....you cant please everyone and I would prioritise grandparents over great grandparents....maybe they will need to start altering when they visit instead?

Designate Christmas to be celebrated with great-grands at a different time. One set on 25th Nov and one set on 25th Jan.

Christmas day has been moved in the past officially and is celebrated on different days by different cultures. Create your own tradition that suits you best.

Stick with what you are doing now, the grandparents are not going to be around for ever

Stay at home alternate Christmas and invite your parents 24th-25th.
Then go to DH parents and see if they could adjust their hosting dates so that you overlap with both sets of DH grandparents?

Sounds like you are mimicking your Mother by preferring to have your own Christmas, regardless of relationships.

I don’t think that’s fair, my whole post is about how we want to please (and see) everyone. And besides, despite my mum having a fairly good relationship with her parents, we saw them once a year, for a week in the summer. We saw my dad’s parents once every 18 months for a long weekend because my mum finds them annoying. That’s absolutely not what I’m trying to do!

my mother flatly refused to invite anyone, or go anywhere because she wanted Christmas just to be her and her “little family” (so I do find it a bit rich she’s now pestering for Christmas with her grandchild when grandparent/grandchild relationships were not at all important to her when I was a child, but that’s a side issue!)

See, I don't see that as a side issue. I would put that front and centre: you did it your way, and expected everyone to accept it, so now you need to accept that we're doing it our way. End of.

Your mum didn't take extended family into consideration for Christmas day; you don't have to either. In fact, you're bending over backwards to make sure as many people as possible are seen over the extended Christmas period. You're doing more than your mum ever did by the sounds of it. Tell her to suck it up. Politely.

I agree with your mum, it doesn't seem that you're putting a lot more thought into your husband's extended family seeing your children at Xmas than you are her. It also sounds as though it's you doing it, your husband doesn't sound to be putting any pressure on.

Is there no way of you doing Xmas and hosting everyone? Or meeting at a restaurant?

(I will also add I think you're mad for doing all the running around like this. Your DC might appreciate spending some nice Christmas days at home enjoying their presents with family.)

Why do people do this for one day of the year, it's ludicrous.
They build it up to be such a big thing and are then disappointed it can't live up to expectations.
Have the day by yourselves at home, have open invitation but say when you'll be eating dinner.

No way would I host when children are little, it's their Christmas to remember and look back with fondness, not loads of people, hardly seeing their mum and not playing with presents because house is full.
You need to start thinking of your children, only.

I think grandparents trump great grandparents in this situation.

How old are the GGP's? Are they frail or likely to carry on for a fair amount of time yet? To be blunt, they have (probably) the most limited amount of time to spend with your daughter, so I do think they should have priority.
This isn't a long-term problem and sadly they may not be alive for many more Christmasses, so I think it's a really precious thing for you all to spend this special time with them. Your mother will get her turn, but she doesn't need to be a priority yet.

Alternate Christmasses, works for me.

Go your parents until 25th so they wake up with her in Christmas Day, then go to dh parents so you’re there for the afternoon onwards.

I think the options are too black and white. DH's family can change how they arrange things so everyone gets to see your little one if it's that important to them. If they choose to stick rigidly to what they used to do, they won't see their great grandchild on xmas day but that's not really the end of the world.

Only fair way is to alternate so each grandparents see dd. The one who sees you xmas day doesnt see you new year. Same with easter

Meredith what's your mum like generally? 'Cos I think that's part of the equation too. Does she always want things her way, or is the way she's feeling like this about Christmas a one off?

You'll be setting a pattern here for your LO (who, stating the obvious, won't be 6 months old forever), and you need to be thinking about what would be best for her too.

I fully understand why you're confused, and I don't blame you, but I'd be considering it in the wider picture, not just the 25th December.

When I read threads like these I feel really lucky that none of our parents have ever put pressure on us regarding Christmas arrangements. I think it's really unfair and selfish actually to try and dictate how other people spend their holidays. And just as grandparents aren't going to be around for ever, nor are children going to be small forever. So I think that within reason you should please yourselves. I also think that having a set routine is risky because then you become obligated to continue with it, probably past the point where it becomes workable for you.

We found that between the ages of about 4 and 10 that our children really didn't want to be away from home because they just wanted to play with their toys most of the time and got a bit fed up with having to pack it all away again after a day or two. And inevitably we usually ended up leaving a crucial bit of lego behind So we had a few years of always being at home on Christmas eve and Christmas day and if family wanted to visit that was fine too. I actually think it's good to put the onus on them to be the ones to travel sometimes actually - you may find that they're not so desperate to see you if it means adjusting their own 'traditions'. We always see both families at some point over the 10 days and actually when there's a big lot of you it's festive regardless of whether it's the Big Day or not.

Your DC might appreciate spending some nice Christmas days at home enjoying their presents with family.

I think my childhood christmases skew my view of this, but when I was a child all I wanted was to see GPs at christmas. Visiting my mum's parents was such a treat (it was so rare) that all I wanted was to go there, and have a Christmas with them, and with my cousins who lived near to GPs. I was so jealous of the family christmases my friends had.
But I realise that children who were carted around probably had the complete opposite view!

I would alternate-you’re not being fair any other way. It really is not fair for your DM to never get to see you on Christmas Day.
Or you can just invite everyone to you on the actual day itself but they can’t stay over and you alternate pre and post Christmas visits.