Family causing Christmas stress. What would be fair? Long!

[MeredithGrey1]

Sorry, another Christmas one, and a bit long, but I’m not sure what’s fair.

My parents always had Christmas just them, me and my siblings, no extended family ever, while I was growing up.
DH’s parents always had (and still have) one set of DH’s grandparents visit 24th-26th, and the other 26th-28th, alternating each year who was there for Christmas Day.
We have spent two previous Christmases visiting my parents 22nd-24th and DH’s parents 24th-27th, meaning that we see everyone (both sets of parents plus both sets of DH’s grandparents) over the Christmas period.
This year, my parents have started making noises about how they won’t ever see DD (who will be 6 months this Christmas) on Christmas Day if this arrangement continues. But if the arrangement changes and we visit my parents for Christmas Day, at least one set of DH’s grandparents won’t see DD at all over Christmas, whereas with the current arrangement my parents do at least see DD over the Christmas period, just not Christmas Day. This would upset DH’s parents and whichever set of his grandparents we didn’t see.
Due to distances we can’t split Christmas Day, nor can we visit my parents for Christmas Day, but see DH’s parents both sides of Christmas and therefore see both great grandparents. We also cannot host at ours due to lack of space. We also don’t want to spend it just the three of us, as we do like seeing wider family over Christmas.
What is fair? Do we ignore the presence of DH grandparents and just alternate between parents, or do we try to make sure we see everyone, even if my parents don’t get Christmas Day? DH and I can both see both sides, so we haven’t argued about it, we just want to keep everyone happy. Neither of us had this issue growing up, as DH just had GPs who visited alternate christmases, and my mother flatly refused to invite anyone, or go anywhere because she wanted Christmas just to be her and her “little family” (so I do find it a bit rich she’s now pestering for Christmas with her grandchild when grandparent/grandchild relationships were not at all important to her when I was a child, but that’s a side issue!).
I’ll put voting buttons in but they don’t actually reflect how I feel, as I haven’t decided!
YABU - alternate christmases
YANBU - stick with current arrangement

I actually think it's good to put the onus on them to be the ones to travel sometimes actually - you may find that they're not so desperate to see you if it means adjusting their own 'traditions'.

That's probably true, I highly doubt my mum would be willing to visit us, she'd want Christmas at her house.

You can see from the replies that everyone has different ideas about how it could be .

Which is why I and others think you should whatever you and your dh want .

Well do what you want but you are prioritising DH's GP's over your DD's actual GP's and I dont think that's fair.

Maybe you should have a three year rota

I don't buy into the idea you need to see EVERY parent at Christmas. It's too much in many cases!!

Stay home

They can visit you

Stay home

Visit them other days

Just stay home

I'd alternate and go to your in-laws on the 26th on the year you are at your parents. That way could briefly see the first GrGP's and spend time with the ones leaving.

Either that or a three year cycle.

*ftr we live local to all grand parents
Christmas morning is for us.

We do three meals with grand parents between 24-26th.

Neither of us are only children. Christmas stresses me out. I’d love to ignore them all for a yearz

Leave the arrangements as they are, they are quite fair. So what if your parents don't see their grandchild every Christmas day, there are other days.

Stay home and issue an open invitation for them all to visit you.DD is still little its easier for you to "deal" with her at home, put her to bed etc.

See who really wants to spend Christmas with your little family!

I would alternate, that’s the fairest.

Do the GGPs really care about seeing a baby on Christmas Day?

I am hopefully going to point out an alternative, your current Christmas is this

DH’s parents & one set of DH’s grandparents visit 24th-26th, and the other 26th-28th

We have spent two previous Christmases visiting my parents 22nd-24th and DH’s parents 24th-27th, meaning that we see everyone (both sets of parents plus both sets of DH’s grandparents) over the Christmas period

How about you still see everyone the same as you currently do except you travel back home on 24th so that you wake up in your own home on Christmas day so that you can set your own traditions with your Dh and DC. Then go to PIL on 26th so you still see that set of Grandparents.

It might mean you go earlier and come back later but you still get to see everyone, and spend a day just your family. It is much more fair that way. As children we did Christmas eve maternal Grandparents, Christmas day just us, Boxing day paternal Grandparents. My Mum said it was the only way to keep it fair. Alternating means someone feels left out and then who gets the "first" Christmas for the baby?

If you spend every Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at your ILs, they get to experience Santa coming and Christmas Day with your DC and your DPs miss out every year. The fairest way is to alternate each year. The current arrangement means your DD never spends any Christmas Day with one set of her GPs. Can you visit the GGP at a different time? Sooner or later, it will change anyway because your DC will want to stay in their own home and play with their toys there.

It's just another day - why people get so worked up about whether or not they are going to see kids for the day I cannot understand. Christmas Eve is much nicer anyway - be like the RF and open presents after dinner then!

Family causing Christmas stress

Isn't that why we have families?, it seems its what they do best;!!

I think the fairest would be no-one on Christmas Day, but that is not something you wish to do. So alternating the next best option left it seems.

you need to alternate between your parents and DH's, it's the only fair way. If DH's GP's alternated themselves when he was a child, then they will understand why you are doing it now.

You will need to stand firm, but I can see why your mum would be upset if every single year you are at DH's parents.

YABVVU Just because your dm did Christmas that way doesn’t mean you have to. You say GPatz isn’t fair saying “Maybe your daughter will mimic you in the future and only have Christmas Day with her DH's family, as you did.” What’s not fair about saying that?

Are you trying to punish your dm for what she did at Christmas when you were a child? If so, you should consider how you would feel if your dd (and any other dcs you have) does this and says that they will be visiting her dh’s family every Christmas?? Would you be happy NEVER seeing any family (including any future dgcs) on Christmas Day, because they have acted in the same way as you did for every Christmas??

I’m sure that puts a different spin on things, doesn’t it, unless you would be happy being left to spend Christmas alone every year?? At least one parent, your DH, can see what’s fair and what isn’t!

Well do what you want but you are prioritising DH's GP's over your DD's actual GP's and I dont think that's fair.

Maybe you should have a three year rota

Yep.

Your DH’s grandparents got to see their grandchildren open their presents on Christmas Day every other year. Why don’t your parents ever get the chance to see their grandchildren open their presents?

Christmas makes people so crazy

Does anyone actually enjoy it?

Gosh how complicated. Once children come along it gets worse. We used to alternate between parents each year, spent Christmas with one set, then new year with the other set. Then my children realised that they never spent Christmas or new year at home which they resented.

Can you stay at home and issue an open invitation for anyone to come to you, just cram them in your house lol

GPs definitely take priority over GGPs, they’ve already done their GC.

I love Christmas to whoever asked!

“GPs definitely take priority over GGPs, they’ve already done their GC.”

This is a fair comment: it is ad for your parents never to see their grandchildren at Christmas. I loved it that my grandparents came to our house for Christmas Day and dinner when I was small.

It would be fair to alternate so your DM gets to see you all on Christmas Day every second year. I doubt that DH's GPs would be upset if they got to see you on the 28th at their own house rather than at your MILs.